DrumMajor13 Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Well. My ex and i were together for a year and a half. Totally happy and in love until around spring break. He went camping with three friends, and i went to san francisco... i came back, we had a small fight and BAM he wanted to break up. The fight was online (sad, i know) and he ended up blocking me and emailing me saying he didn't know if he felt the same about me anymore, after i emailed him apologizing for what i had said to initiate this fight. He got back on and told me he didn't know what to do, and asked me to come over. I went over there, scared to death, because i was sure he was planning on breaking up with me when i got there. But we worked it out... he said he wanted to break up because we had been fighting a lot lately... but he changed his mind because he loved me and was willing to deal with the fighting if it meant being with the woman he loves. For the next three weeks everything was PERFECT, way better than ever... he kept telling me how much he loved me and hugging me and kissing me in front of his friends more than ever... i thought everything was way better... we didn't fight once in that three week period. Until the day before my birthday, he told me about the drinking thing, he got drunk with two of his friends after promising me numerous times he wouldn't until he was 21... that hurt, but i went against one of my values and accepted it because i loved him so much. The next day on my birthday i was a little bit upset about it but we talked about it and i felt better and we had a blast together! That weekend was great too... but ever since the drinking thing he had been less affectionate and wanting to not see me alone or invite me with our group of friends. On tuesday i was finally invited and i got a chance to ask him what was up. I asked why he never really wanted to see me anymore... we ended up agreeing that i wasn't being unreasonable wanting to spend time with my boyfriend. I thought we had it resolved when he said "it's harder than you think tho"... and i finally dragged out of him what he meant... he said "sometimes i want to be single again". he said he still loved me, but missed the single life. I told him if he needed space or a break, i'd be willing to wait as long as he needed... he just needed to tell me what he needed. He said to not worry about it, because if anything happened it would be after prom. (which was that saturday) because he didn't want to ruin it. So for the next day and a half, i was in a state of absolute torture... couldn't stop crying (which i tried not to let him see, but he did... and he held me and told me everything would be ok). He knew how upset i was and how much it was killing me to be wondering, so on thursday he broke up with me. He said he simply didn't love me the way he used to anymore. He still cared about me, but he wasn't "in love" with me. I asked then what was with the past three weeks of being totally happy and in love? He said "i've been feeling this since around when we almost broke up before... but i thought it would change, so i kept it going cuz i thought i would fall in love with you again". He held me and kissed my forehead trying to make me feel better while he was doing it, he said he'd still be there for me and he REALLY wanted to be able to be friends and asked if i still wanted to go to prom with him. Now this whole prom thing, it's more complicated than it sounds... we rented a limo with a BUNCH of friends who really were counting on me being there... so if i bailed, i would be disappointing them too... so i said yes. He came and checked on me later that day for a second. During prom he was wonderful, trying to make my night special and not ruin it more than he already did... he held me, hugged me, kissed my forehead, slow danced (quite closely) with me, held my hand, whispered in my ear, told me how gorgeous i looked, and even made a sexual comment or two (i reminded him he wasn't allowed to do that anymore... and he said "well tonight, i am"). And for the most part i was having a good time... it wasn't awkward at all, but i was still hurting really badly. Cuz as they say "the worst way to miss someone is to be right next to them, knowing you can't have them". On the ride home tho... someone said something about wanting to go next year so he was going to dump his girlfriend and find a senior for next year... (he was kidding)... and my ex jokes "well, technically i'm single so... *laughs*"... and for the rest of the night i just wanted to die. I wanted to go home so badly but i didn't have my car. We went to a restaurant after prom and i went into the bathroom and cried... he knew i was hurting so he was really upset too, not talking and looked like he was about to cry... which was totally opposite of how he normally is. When we got back to our friends house where we all stayed the night, he kind of ignored me... of course i fell right to sleep. In the morning, everyone went upstairs for breakfast... i was just miserable, trying not to cry... so i called for a ride and snuck out without telling anyone. They all understood. But he REALLY REALLY REALLY wants to be friends with me, and i know without him in my life i'll be miserable. But i loved him so much (and still do) that it's hard to be around him knowing that he's not mine anymore and he doesn't love me anymore. My question is, is this "friends" thing a possibility? Or are we just doing more harm than good by trying?
jerbear Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Right now the break up is still fresh. Do you really really need him, want him, can't live without him? If he is trying to stay friends it is part of either a slow heal or trying to "have your cake and eat it too" (back burner) Maybe a few months later or later on in life, you two maybe friends; it will not be the same regardless. The relationship maybe weaker or stronger.
Author DrumMajor13 Posted May 8, 2006 Author Posted May 8, 2006 What do you mean by the "have your cake and eat it too" thing... do you mean something like "friends with benefits"?
jerbear Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 What do you mean by the "have your cake and eat it too" thing... do you mean something like "friends with benefits"? Friends with benefits is one. The others are emotional support, keep the person around with benefits of bf/gf without the commitment, demotion to "friend zone", etc... I would say use your judgement. I personally have not kept friendships with ex's.
Author DrumMajor13 Posted May 8, 2006 Author Posted May 8, 2006 yeah, i'd never do the "friends with benefits" thing. And you know, it would really help me a lot to know why he wants to be friends. I know for me, i want to be friends because i really can't see my life without him in it in one way or the other. He's been my best friend for a year and a half... the one i talked to about EVERYTHING... how can i just let someone like that out of my life forever?... i'd also really like to know what happened around spring break to make him just stop loving me... i wish i had the guts to ask. But it is really hard to accept that we're not "us" anymore. That i can't hold him or kiss him or hug him or love him anymore. It hurts.
jerbear Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Sounds like you are asking for reasons/closure, or seeking some sort of validation. Nothing wrong with keeping someone as friends however it seems you have desires for a 2nd chance in the near future. Are you around 21 or older? There is still a future for yourself. I remember being around his age. I've always wanted to be friends and learned as I got older, friends are great but only after being away from another to have some romantic feelings wear off. So be yourself, wait a few days (ie. 1 to 3 months), limited contact but avoid crossing lines if it works for you and him. IF the friendship lines get crossed; issue MAY arise.
NotAnotherTeen Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Im a junior in high school, and i went through about the same thing u did. i started dating this girl back in december, and for a while things were great. i really, really liked her, and she felt the same. she would always tell me how much she cared about me, and how she wished i knew how much i meant to her. then something happened. she just stopped caring about me as much. at the time, i didnt fully realize it. i mean, i knew something was different, but i wanted us to be together so much i just ignored it. and then came prom. i could just sense that something was wrong, and it made me feel bad, and that night she slow danced with some other guy and kinda flirted with one of my friends. i brought it up at the after prom party (not the official one btw) and she got all offended, and then she said she didnt kno if she wanted a boyfriend anymore, and that we should take a break. she told me to ask her out again on friday (this was saturday night). the next thing i knew, she was making out with this guy she had just met. it hurt me so bad, i just wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere. then later on she made out with one of my friends (obviously not one of my better friends), and i that about killed me. i left the party as the sun was coming up, and i found out a couple days later that she actually ended up sleeping with this guy. i was hurt worse than i ever thought i could be. i had cared for this girl, and she did this to me. i tried afterwards to remain friends with her, cuz she really wanted to. i would suggest against this. when i was around her, i had to put on this mask, i had to make up a person that was happy, confident, and with out a care, when deep inside i wanted nothing more than to hold her in my arms and cry. every time i had to assume the role of this person, it got harder, and harder. the reason i suppose i tried to stay friends was because i still wanted to be with her, but its for the best to not be friends. lately, i havent been talking to her. i still care about her, and yes, ignoring her is hard too, but its helped me move on. of course, this is just my take. i really do wish you the best, cuz i kno the pain you feel.
robot Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 You might never know what happened in the spring break. I'm quoting from another source that best describes this: Ultimately, you are not going to fully understand "what doesn't click"... It is unlikely that he can explain in a way that will make you say. "Oh, I get it", and leave it at that. That's partly because he probably doesn't quite understand, either. You may just have to live with that for a while. As for your friendship issue. You just need to be friendly (note the difference) when he talks to you. You don't need to do any more but concentrate on school/friends/life. Friendship is a good thing to keep, but let yourself move on first.
panthera_leo Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Hey there Wow your post looks like something i would write. Well hun, I know the pain your feeling and its torture. I hope it helps to know that many others are in the same position as you..you're certainly not alone in this one. Ive been through what your going through...its been nearly 3 months now for me and i can tell you...i am feeling alot stronger. I am 20, he is 21. In short form, my ex and i were together for over 2 years, we thought we had everything planned out. Things turned sour... very sour! He wanted a break because we'd been arguing alot and i was very shocked but i said ok, i think its a good idea. I couldn't BARE it. I was constantly crying. I didn't know where i stood. I was in pain, just like yourself. He knew i was feeling this way, so he said it was best we broke up. His reasons: "i want to be alone right now", "i miss the single life", "i feel like something is missing". Like your ex, mine was adamant he wanted to be "good friends" for the next few years and then maybe... we could rekindle our relationship. My response: "on your bike". I know your hurting right now hun...i know your pain. LET HIM GO. I loved mine very much..and still do, but i need to take care of myself and that means NO CONTACT (and certainly NO FRIENDSHIP) until i can really handle it. Like both of our guys, they are very young, they need to grow as people and at this moment in time they obviously feel inadequate in some way. I think they need to find that quality in life... and being in a relationship wont allow that. He wants to be able to go out and not "report back" to someone, he wants to be alone..not because of you... but because of HIM. Its very selfish i know, but its best that it happens now and not later on down the line when your married with house and kids. You need to remember that its not because of what WE did... its because of what they NEED to do now and nothing you can do will stop that. You cant control how he feels, you cant persuade him otherwise. The only thing that you can do... is leave him to it. Let him go, dont be friends (not just yet) - you really cant handle that (trust me), rebuild your confidence, go out with friends, have a blast everyday and show him you can live without him. Dont initiate contact, let him contact you, and if he does chose wisely whether to respond. If its meant to be, somewhere down the line you will be together - but under your terms. This is an oppurtinty for you to work on yourself and think about what you really need in a relationship. See it as a challenge - the most famous people dont get swamped by challenges, they make the most of whatever comes their way. I wish you luck. I think posting here really helps. Many of us would be lost without LS! *hug*
Author DrumMajor13 Posted May 8, 2006 Author Posted May 8, 2006 Thank you for your advice. Perhaps you could help me with this too? It's about one month before graduation. When Nate and I started dating, our separate friends kind of morphed into one big group. And they LOVE hanging out with him... he is always there, and if he's not, people are all depressed and keep saying how much they miss nate. He's the "life of hte party". They all hang out in a big group (with him there) after school like every day, and not being with them would mean sitting at home doing nothing and having no life, because those are all my friends. And Since i only have about one month to really see all these people before God knows what happens, i really don't want to just isolate myself because of Nate. It would only hurt me more... and i know it would hurt him... he's already looking and acting really depressed because he knows how bad he hurt me, and knows there's nothing he can do about it. What do you think?
panthera_leo Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 No way... THIS GETS EVEN SCARIER! Your ex is called Nate?.. short for Nathan yes? Thats my ex's name :/ aaahhh. Right about the friends thing. We first of all know, that you CANT hang around your ex, for your well-being. So hangin out with your friends in a big group while he is there, really isn't the best thing to do at the moment. If they are your friends, they will hang out with you separately... they are "your" friends as well as his. They should respect the fact that you need time to heal from him. I have never been in your situation, as my ex and i have a different group of friends, but i can imagine it is hard for you. But i really dont think its a good idea that you go out in a group with your ex. Your feelings for him are too strong at this moment. Its a hard one but your friends should understand that. Hope this helps
NotAnotherTeen Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 i live in a small town, and everyone is kinda close knit, and so my ex is at all the parties and everything. this last weekend, i was hangin out at my friends shop where he and his band practice, and she and one of her friends (who is a wild child) came down. it was kinda awkward for me, but we didnt really talk, and i just focused on my friends. i kno it can be uncomfortable, but sitting alone at home just sux, and it might cause u to dwell on wat happened. hang out with ur friends, cuz they will be there for u. if hes there, just be cool and confident. show him that u can be just fine without him, cuz in time u will be able to.
Author DrumMajor13 Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 yeah, it is really hard to be around him sometimes. Other times it's doable. And he's trying really hard to make things ok for me. He talks to me like we're best friends... well he did until it started setting in and i started not being able to be around him. And i know he really wants to be friends, and i really want that too. He is my best friend and i don't want to live life without him in one way or hte other. I"m so confused.
batesal Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 he REALLY REALLY REALLY wants to be friends with me, and i know without him in my life i'll be miserable. But i loved him so much (and still do) that it's hard to be around him knowing that he's not mine anymore and he doesn't love me anymore. My question is, is this "friends" thing a possibility? Or are we just doing more harm than good by trying? I know that you love and care about "Nate" alot, and I know that you want to be his friend with the intentions of getting him back, but what if he gets into another relationship? Are you going to be ok with him dating another girl? If the two of you are ok, and had a mutal agree to be friends, then IT WILL WORK. You have to understand one thing though. He has no obligations to you, meaning he doesn't have to see or talk to you unless he wants to. That is what sucks the most about having a ex as a friend. If you want to get him back, you have to let go of your feelings and accept for the moment in time that it is over. Contiune to be you as you were when you broke up, but don't always expect that when you want to hang out with him that he will. He may be going that now, but i hate to tell you eventually it will become less and less. I seriously do hope that the 2 of you do get back together. Keep a postitive attitude about things and you will get what you want. It WILL take time. it is really hard to be around him sometimes It will be hard to hang out with him. He will say things that will make you feel good, and he will say things that will hurt you. You have to accept both, but make your mind not beleive what he says. As not NotAnotherTeen said. "you have to show him that you can live without him." I know because I tried. I tried to be a friend to my ex. I personally beleive that I was more of a friend than she was. Snice we had been broken up, she had cried on my shoulder 3 times, but when I was going through a situation she didn't want anything to do with it. She would call and want to hang out, but when I called and asked to hang out, she was say no. You need to set some ground rules, so if it doesn't work out as friends, you will not get hurt, thinking that you can change his mind by being around him. He broke your heart, you NEED to remember that. Make sure also that you are not always calling him, that he is calling some as well. You do not want to feel too attached. Yeah you did say that you cannot live without him. ARE YOU SURE? You can live without him. You got this far without him, and you can go the rest of your life without him, IF you want to.
Author DrumMajor13 Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 Just to clear things up, i don't have intentions of trying to get him back. I want him to be happy, and he said he didn't love me in a romantic way anymore so i don't want to force anything if it wasn't meant to be. But he is a good guy and a great friend, and i don't want to lose someone like that. Yeah i thought about him finding someone else... and right now i know he just wants to be single... so at least that gives me a little while to heal before having to see that. If it were right now, it would kill me. But all in all i just want him to be happy.
panthera_leo Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 If he really really wants to be your friend then he will understand that you need a while to heal. You cant go from being in a relationship to being friends with someone you love so much... you really cant. If your worried about losing him. You wont lose him if he is really genuine about being a good friend to you.
Author DrumMajor13 Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 should i tell him that i need time first? Or should i just take the time... making it seem like i hate him or something. Cuz he's the kind of guy who will take it the wrong way and think that i hate him and never want to see him again. Perhaps a simple email to let him know that i need time to heal before i can see him... etc. ??? or what?
robot Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 To answer your last question directly: You should concerntrate on yourself, not on him. You guys will naturally see each other in places, so don't worry about telling him anything. Be you! Emailing him sounds something like you owe him $5k, and have to wait a couple of months to pay it back. So its not necessary. Finally, I hope the next three things will answer some of your remaining questions. Because it has helped me to get through my breakup:You don't have to speculate/think about what he thinks. You are separated now. If he is happy or unhappy its not really your problem. You just need to be friendly when you talk to him.If you ever chat with him. Don't talk about the breakup and your past history anymore, its over. It will just open up your woulds and his wounds again.Pick up a hobbie/somthing to do. ONLY return to this website when you are sad/depressed/can't be bothered doing any proper work (like me right now). Don't bookmark anything around here, just get the whole sad thing out of your sight.
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