Whatever happened to Jonesgirly??????

[jonesgirly]

Geez.....not trying to assume anyone is curious, just thought I'd post and get some opinions

 

I've already gained back some of the weight I lost on the "infidelity diet." Of course, with my state of mind, it makes me feel fat (although I'm just back to a size 9 US). I'm sure because my husbands' "friend" was a size 0 24 year old, anything over anorexic would be huge to me

 

Nothing much has really changed in the last couple of months, with the exception of me finding he had posted a 'personal' ad on Yahoo, and had emailed three women looking for a 'relationship'. I kinda think that was the last straw for me, and didn't even really get all that angry over it. It was kinda funny the way I handled it.....I simply printed out the three emails he had sent, and left a sticky-note on them that said "you really know how to make your wife feel special, don't you?". Never said a word to him, just left him with the knowledge that he had been 'discovered.' So of course, the next morning he's all about being 'sorry'. He even sent me an email with all of his passwords (although I'm not sure that he sent me ALL of his email accounts). All I could think was: "if you're so damned determined to 'fix' what you broke, you sure aren't going about it the right way." And for some reason, this didn't have the effect on me that it should - I wasn't even upset! Maybe I've just resigned myself to knowing that he will never be what "I" think is a person of integrity. His explanation, of course, included the fact that he was "looking for someone to talk to." My, my, talking sure is appealing with OTHER people now, isn't it?

 

You should read my threads at this point to understand where I'm coming from (if you're not familiar).

 

Apart from all of the above, I'm in a funk again. I know I'm depressed, and yeah, I should see an IC. But I'm not, so I will turn to my LS friends again.

 

My husband starting posting to some kind of 'positive feelings' board about a month ago. Apparently, one of the members replied to him that 'if he wasn't sharing his postings there, he was continuing his secrecy from me.' So, of course, he sent me the link (to his postings). What REALLY bothered me about it was his profile:

 

Here I am again, apparently moving on from another relationship (marriage). This being number three. This one has ended over a percieved affair I had with a girl much younger then some of my own children. It was more of a fatherdaughter relationship then anything. I admitted it to be much more in the hope my wife would forgive me and we could move on from it. No such luck. Here we are months later and our relationship has deterierated to the point of no return I am afraid. No matter what I admit feeling or saying, it just isn't enough apparently. My wife is the one person I have always had on my mind. We grew up together but things never worked out for us way back when.

 

Now, if you've read my links and threads from the past, you know this guy can be almost certified as 'dangerous' for me. But OF COURSE, he never mentions any of the things that have gone on (i.e, arrested for domestic violence, etc.).

 

I truly, really, absolutely believe that he has NO idea that he's betrayed my trust. I don't think he is capable of feeling any sort of empathy for another person. (make sure you've read my prior threads in order to understand)

 

I especially like the fact that he considers his affair to be only "PERCEIVED" by me as one (not really one, I guess). In fact, in further postings, a member asks if he actually had an affair, and of course his reply was "no."

 

His lack of remorsefulness or sincere understanding of the situation, all this time, leads me to believe that; A) I'm crazy, or B) He is......and I should run.

 

Yesterday, while he was at work, he wrote a list of "things" that he wanted to say. He indicated that he can't ever remember what to say to me when we're 'in conversation', so he needed flash-cards. In reality, all of his notes were things that would've come NATURALLY to a person who KNEW that they had hurt and betrayed their spouse the way he did.

 

He even admitted that I "wasn't valuable to him during that time." Okay, so when DID I become valuable? It wasn't because I 'caught' him in the act(s) and busted him, so WHEN was it? I don't think it EVER was, and I can't even IMAGINE being married to someone (FOR ONLY 1.5 YEARS) that I didn't think of as a VALUABLE person to me!

 

Because I can think logically, it may result in my depression/realization that maybe "I" think more of HIM than he EVER did of me. Do you see the same attitude as I do? Am I looking for something I'm never gonna get?

[Curmudgeon]

I don't really know your story but I do know a bit about infidelity. It's why i divorced the ex. I have to wonder why you put yourself through this and what's in it for you. Clearly the relationship/marriage has a sick twist and I would think you'd want and deserve better.

 

The first time I forgave. The second time I divorced. Looking back, I wish I had done so the first time. It would have saved me five years.

 

Isn't there a pattern here that really doesn't bear repeating?

[jonesgirly]

and in the midst of all this sickness, I know you're correct.................

 

God, I hate being human.

[Curmudgeon]

But it is, after all, easier said than done, isn't it? that's why I stuck it out for 25 years. Looking back, I really wish I hadn't because the relationship was never that good to begin with.

 

I might be able to say all the right things but you have to do what's right for you.

[whichwayisup]

This is how people grow and learn. From mistakes.

 

Just try to make the best of your life NOW and let the past be in the past. It's OK to look back once in a while, but when you do - Remember you wouldn't be where you are now - Even if it took longer than you thought it would.

 

Good luck and stay happy!

[Mz. Pixie]

Hey hon, I remember you!

 

He posted that, knowing that he was going to send you the link so that you would read it. It's all about him trying to make you "think" nothing happened. The bottom line was and always will be that he took time away from focusing on the marriage to talk to this girl.

 

And posting personal ads?? WTF is he thinking?

[jonesgirly]

Hey Mz.P - glad you remembered me! This really is the only place I feel comfortable posting on my 'issues' because of previous positive experiences. Plus, sometimes I look at what I've written and think "there is no way you could SAY any of this to someone, they'd think you were certifiably crazy."

 

Thanks again to all who take the time to give me a reply.

 

 

Okay, so......I'm not sure if he posted that info thinking I'd see it or not. It was several weeks into his 'experience' there before he sent me the link. I could also tell that he only posted on it from his work computer by the time of the messages, so he kept it pretty well hidden from me. Which, in reality, is actually even worse for me/us.........the feelings I've had that he just doesn't 'get it' and that I was never really worth the effort required to repair what he had broken are pretty much confirmed by his statements. Especially when I believe that he didn't initially post it that way for ME to see, but was looking for others to pat him on the head and tell he seems like such a swell guy.

 

And its not like he offered many of the other sordid details either. I swear he seems to be looking for someone to tell him that everything he does is 'okay.' I believe that he has convinced himself he has done everything possible to fix this, and its now MY fault that the relationship has crashed and burned.

 

I can honestly say that he has SAID many things, but hasn't actually DONE any of them.

 

I also mentioned that me finding the emails he sent to three women (looking for a relationship) kind of erased any sort of progress made that week!

 

I guess he just doesn't feel that HE should have to do anything...after all, he didn't do ANYTHING wrong! He TELLS me he knows he had an EA lasting over a year, I have every right to be angry at the betrayal, that he knows he needs to fix 'this', etc.

 

And then of course, he'll get pissed off and storm out of the room if I'm angry. Oh - but wait, there's more! He'll send email 'offers' to three other women "looking for a relationship"..........and he just DOESN'T GET why I don't 'believe' a word he "says."

 

Of course I'm feeling kind of depressed, I'm still no where near where I need to be with all of this. I'm either married to a narcisstic pathological liar, or maybe he's got some sort of brain tumor?

 

It feels like he's placed the burden of relationship rescue on ME. I have had to deal with his serious anger management issues, his suicidal actions, his threatening demeanor, and complete lack of believability. And thats just in the time since I discovered his special little "friend" he'd had for over a year! What has HE had to do for ME? Maybe I've tolerated too much.

 

I know at some point I will need to give up, but its like I want him to know that he could've repaired this, but it was HIS choice not too. Its amazing to see his lack of conviction when it comes to really putting forth effort in rebuilding the trust he broke, especially when he was so very clever in his ability to hide his relationship (and other little 'things'), for an extended period of time! I guess I should take his inaction as the real 'truth' and listen to what it is saying. I guess I should just understand that I wasn't worth it.

[sylviaguardian]

Geez JonesGirly,

 

I don't know what to say...I know that you've struggled with this for so long and he just seems so..smug and unrepentant.

 

Did he post the personal ads before or after you found out? I am sorry to say this and I have to watch what I say, given that I am a pretty cyncial kind of gal, but I don't buy any of this.

 

You do not post personal ads because you want 'someone to talk to'. There are plenty of other places to post. I would not be surprised if that profile was there for your eyes.It doesn't matter if he wrote it earlier because he could have amended it. I would check the dates for that.

 

As for his profile, no=one would admit to more than they had actually done in the hope that they could move on!!! Everyone who has been here for a long time knows that what the WS tell us is only ever the tip of the ice berg! It may very well be true that you are the one person he always has on his mind but it is also true that does not know how to have a honest relationship.

 

The fact that he has never admitted to anything makes me think that he is unlikely to change. We can never change until we really examine our own behaviour and your husband is in denial still.

 

Oh hun, I don't want to sound pessimistic but if you were my friend in the real world, I would be very concerned about you. You admit that he has been arrested for domestic violence and he is still playing stupid mind games with you, trying to make you doubt yourself. Do not EVER believe that you are crazy! That's what they want you to think. You sound more sane more together than I have ever heard you.

 

I don't like giving black and white opinions but if you asked me if this man was likely to change in the future, I would be inclined to say no. Some people get over infidelity but only if the WS takes responsibility for it and addresses their behaviour. I can't see any of this happening.

 

Wish I had something more positive to say but I don't. Just remember, sometimes out of the flames rises a phoenix.

 

Big hugs,

Sylvia

[jonesgirly]

Sylvia - you truly are a very perceptive person, and your words clarified a lot of my thoughts. He posted his profile to the YahooPersonals site mid-Feb, and sent introductory emails to the three hotties he wanted to "get to know" at that time. The 'feel good about yourself community' website just recently became a place for him - around the beginning of April. Its not a dating-type community, but a think-tank type of group of people.

 

I must be accepting a larger chunk of my reality now, because I'm becoming even more intolerant of his 'games'. Short of becoming the textbook definition of dysfunctional, things are becoming clearer to me.

 

He has always played various cards: 'anger management' problems, depression, suicidal, defensive, combative, avoiding, ignoring, etc. The problem is, he just never stopped the 'BS' and took responsibility for his actions. No genuine remorse, no sincere attempt at making amends. Oh, but he'll expend an enormous amount of energy on 'playing' the part of "I understand" man.

 

Trouble is, he doesn't get it.

 

In fact, I told him last night exactly how I felt - "If you don't get your head out of your ass and start doing something, we're done." I explained that I can express my thoughts and feelings, point out concrete reasons why and how I form them, and am always more than willing to discuss any differences of opinion. I am MORE than tired of his comments like "I didn't think you wanted to talk to me" or "I didn't know what to say, you were so angry", or "You're never going to get over this", or (my personal favorite) "What should I DO?".

 

But he never disagrees with me, and constantly says he's sorry, I should be angry, I should've been allowed to express that anger, he knows he's responsible, he knows it was wrong to do, knows he has to rebuild my trust, knows it will take some time and he wants to do it, blah blah blah blah blah blah

 

And then he'd walk into our office and email three women he thought he'd like to 'get to know' on yahoo personals.

 

And of course, to this discovery he says; I know it was wrong, I won't do it again, I just wanted to talk to someone, blah blah blah blah.

 

It is starting to appear as though his whole personality is some kind of 'actor', and he'll use whatever emotion is handy to deflect responsibility. Sometimes he'll just get angry, sometimes he'll just sit there looking all sad, sometimes he is obviously thinking about what he'd like for dinner when I'm talking, etc. But NEVER is there truly a day that I can look at him and 'know' that he really does understand, and really IS trying to make amends. Nope, na da, hasn't happened, don't have much hope left that it ever will.

 

Its funny too, that during the time he should've been working on rebuilding the trust, he's out there looking for someone to make HIM feel better (I guess). Very selfish man, indeed.

 

My point being though (and I've expressed this to HIM) is that everytime you get 'busted' for something when you're supposed to be bending over backwards to prove your credibility - your score goes from ZERO to NEGATIVE 10. So instead of attempting to improve NO credibility, he's got to work just to get back UP to zero!

 

And I'm pretty much not buying ANYTHING he says to me anymore. His actions have proven his true motives and/or feelings. He wanted to argue and argue with me that his 'profile' description on the 'feel good' website was actually how he felt LAST year (the 'perceived affair' comment). I quickly pointed out to him that he wrote the description SIX FREAKING WEEKS AGO, NOT LAST YEAR! I then had him read it aloud (to me). Oh, and sylvia - I totally had him read the part where he states that he 'admitted to more than it was so we could move on' and just looked at him. I asked him what DIDN'T happen that he told me, and of course, nothing. This was just part of his attempts to 'explain away' any responsibility. Almost laughable.

 

I pointed out that it sounds as though he's looking for someone either to feel 'sorry' for HIM, or tell him everything he did was "okay". There was NO mention of reality - it should've/could've said: "I'm a guy who screwed up, I love my wife and want to fix my marriage, can someone help me?"

 

He states over and over that he "didn't know what to do" to help repair our marriage. When I ask him if all the links I sent, books I gave, and articles I highlighted (indicating you do: A,B,C to fix it) were unclear, he just says "no, I know, I know." So really, he DID know what he SHOULD do, but chose the more dramatically challenging role of 'emotional-chaos man."

 

I too feel that he is unlikely to change. I'm much LESS emotional now, and more able to see him clearly when we're discussing our issues. I can more frequently point out that his 'defensiveness' is not really appropriate given the circumstances. Before now, I would've just gotten my feelings hurt that he was being so insensitive (lotta good that did me then!).

 

I can see how a weaker person may have been manipulated by my husband. And he can spend every waking moment trying a new 'act', but I will not be playing into it anymore. I too am not very optimistic about the outcome here, but that is ALL up to him!