I'm going nuts again.

[basscatcher]

I'm going to open up about a reality that is happening to me. Please, don't anyone flame me for this. I have enough on my plate that I am struggling with. I need to share this with someone and I choose LS.. I need to get it out.

 

My feelings for a guy in my past have been resurfacing. Much against my better judgement.

I've seen him twice in the last 2 months.

I was falling in love with him last summer and he pushed me away and said he only wanted a woman to be 'in-like' or 'in-lust' with him. He ordered me to not fall in love with him.

He called me out on my feelings and became kind-of rude towards me because of them.

I chose to back off and he did as well. It wasn't easy for me to do this.

I focused on his rude behavior towards me the last two times I seen him last summer and I purposely became active in meeting other people and doing other things to distract myself from the feelings I had for him. I had to let go so I wouldn't continue to hurt myself with someone who couldn't invest himself in me.

 

From time to time he and I would exchange an email. They were very brief and curtious until the past 4 months.

 

Recently in the past 2 months he has been calling me and I seen him twice and the sparks from us ignited a flame I am haunted with again. I didn't chose this to happen. I actually believed seeing him wouldn't resurface those feelings.

 

I sense a possitive change in him since last summer. I am afraid to trust in it. I haven't acted on it either directly out of fear I will push to fast or hard and make a fool out of myself. He has offered me to come over and spend time with him and I have said no except on those two occassions.

 

This man and I have a intimacy between us on a personal and deep level. We have shared many beliefs and desires. My soul has been bared to him like no other. He knows me internally and very intimately. He see's through me and into my core. He knows my wants and needs. I am vulnerable to him and that is why I am being so cautious with him.

 

He is not someone I want OUT of my life totally because he helps me see things differently about life which in turn helps me to grow as a person.

 

My problem is this:

He is haunting me. I can't sleep without dreaming about him.

I feel my desires for him, once again take hold of me.

The two times I seen him (no sex!!) were almost magical.

I sensed something in him towards me that I can't place my finger on.

The way he looked at me for long periods of time and the way he touched me with so much sensitivity, kindness, care I could swear he was showing me that he does love me. (I'm scared to even believe in this L-word with him..)

 

In the year I have known him he has NEVER looked at me or touched me like this.

My desire to be near him, to spend time with him, to share with him hae increased ten-fold. I am fighting with myself like mad to not get caught up in his allure. I want to just fall and not get up and it is a struggle.

 

I don't trust this situation. I stuffed my feelings down and chose to move on last summer and I did that with so many struggles since.

 

Last weekend when Charlie came over I was in a really bad bad way. (It was PMS mixed with emotional stress). I talked to this man earlier on the phone and he asked me if I wanted to go out with him and he asked me if I wanted to sleep next to him that night --without sex.... I turned him down. He knew I was in a volitile mood and he was willing to subject himself to my presense in that mood. This is very UNLIKE him.. VERY...

He is a no drama kind of man, yet he was willing to put up with me that night. Instead, I chose to deal with Charlie and abuse him (which is unhealthy behavior for me to do. I was wrong in this...)

 

This other man and I have a history. I am attracted to him in every way; I always have been. He isn't the kind of man to open up about what he wants and what he feels. He shows it in his actions, in his touch, the way he looks at me, the way he always is willing to help me with my troubles whether they be mental, emotional or other.

 

I know this man cares for me. I know this man is attracted to me. I also know this man moves slowly and has asked me to accept what he can give me now and let things happen as they do.

I don't know if I have the patience to wait for a man that moves like a turtle and can only give 60% of himself to me because he has so many other things going on his life (family, work).

 

I don't know if I've matured enough to handle taking things slowly. I don't know if I have the patience.

 

I know I either need to just drop all the dreams and live with the feelings that always haunt me no matter what I do; or accept what he can give me for now and see what happens.

 

My gosh this is confusing.. I'm emotionally caught up in him again against my better judgement and I've turned this man down a 'dozen' times -so-to-speak.. I've made it clear to him I don't want to use him, I don't want to rebound to him, I need time to get myself together after Charlie.

 

He has said nothing about this. He still asks to spend time with me and respects me when I say no. Although, he still asks again days later.

 

What do I do? I can't get his eyes out of my head, I can't forget the way he is with me. I feel him... I can't describe it very well. It is powerful. We are like to magnets attracted to one another and yet we have forces holding us apart.

It is very unsettling... I want to fall in head-first and take the chance yet I don't want to out of fear of pushing to hard and to fast and he will recoil again. In a years time could he possibly have realized how much I mean to him and he wants to reach out to me yet he is afraid too?

 

I'm at a loss right now. I know I need more time to continue to recoup from Charlie and push him completely out of my life before moving full ahead. Yet this other man from my past is tempting me because I have always been attracted to him and I have always desired his intellect, integrity, humor, nature and being in my life as a mate...

[Curmudgeon]

No flame, just an honest and sincere question. Do you HAVE to be in a relationship?

[basscatcher]

No flame, just an honest and sincere question. Do you HAVE to be in a relationship?

 

No I don't. But its nice to have someone.

 

The only relationship I've been in since Jan 05 is with Charlie. The rest didn't develop into anything but attraction, a few dates, a couple were sexual and that was it.

I haven't really dated anyone serious except Charlie.

 

That's the truth.

[Curmudgeon]

I understand. It can be nice. It can also be a living hell. What prompted my question was your response on another post citing 25+ relationships in 37 years. Supposing you began at age 15, that's over one a year during the course of your maturing life. By contrast, and assuming I began at the same age (I didn't) I've had three which averages out to one every 15 years of my maturing life.

[basscatcher]

I understand. It can be nice. It can also be a living hell. What prompted my question was your response on another post citing 25+ relationships in 37 years. Supposing you began at age 15, that's over one a year during the course of your maturing life. By contrast, and assuming I began at the same age (I didn't) I've had three which averages out to one every 15 years of my maturing life.

 

Yes, I've met/dated a lot of guys.. I spent 11 1/2 years (age 18 to 29) with my XH.. Most of my dating or messing around with men was between the age of 15-18. Yes I have kissed a lot of toads in a short period of time and none turned into a prince.. I met 6 guys last summer from Feb-Oct. and the only one that turned into exclusive dating is Charlie..

[bunnzy]

What would you say or do if he just came out and stated that he loved you, needed you.

 

Would you trust him? Would you still want him?

[2sunny]

If I were you Pada - I would lay low for a while. You should concentrate on that new job you want etc.

 

Just because we are alone at times does NOT mean that we need to feel lonely. In fact my alone time helps me to understand myself more clearly and what I ultimately want.

 

Distract yourself a bit so this man doesn't get you too distracted about what you need to accomplish right now...

 

Hugs honey, you'll do fine!

[freckles3131]

Your post sounded like the "old me". The one that "needed" a man to make her happy. Sounds to me like things were not good with Charlie (I've responded to some of your other posts so I kind of "know" the situation) so you are grasping for the "fantasy". Like THIS could be "the one" I can "finally' be truly "happy"........**Been there, done that. Not knocking you, not at all....just saying from someone who had been there. (please don't take it any other way) So, how did I get to the "new me".....2 solid years of not being in a relationship/nor dating anyone exclusively. I "found" myself and after the 2 yrs. essentially alone, guess what? I was a solid, self-aware, healthy(relatively speaking, I mean we all have flaws) individual that could make better, healthier choices in men. I truly feel the above poster is onto something (coming from 2 "older" more mature posters as us....please take some head...) You could truly benefit from some alone time, find yourself, make you happy, not by needing a man. There is a difference between wanting a relationship and needing one...I feel you "need" it. During my alone time I came to the following conclusion. A good man should be the icing on the cake, not the whole cake. Meaning he compliments you and your life, he isn't your WHOLE life....

I feel you base your happiness a large part of it, on your relationship/man/feelings for him/them. Not based on finding your OWN inner bliss.

Have you considered seeing a therapist? (no, I don't think you need it in a desperate way, it just sometimes help us sort through these kinds of dilemas, and can help you with some soul searching.....)

Ok, enough "tough love"....I like you, and have read up on most of your posts. I do hope you find happiness, I wish you the best, but think you should look within.....Peace.

Life is a garden. Dig it.

[basscatcher]

What would you say or do if he just came out and stated that he loved you, needed you.

 

Would you trust him? Would you still want him?

 

If this guy told me this I would be shocked and elated. Would I trust his words--completely.... He has much integrity with me and he has always been honest and very upfront with me. He has always been caring and affectionate towards me.

 

As for Charlie, if he came back to me and told me he loved me I would be pissed off.. He has burnt his bridge.. I am having a difficult time forgiving his behavior and his lack of affection..

 

I'm doing my best to stay calm and focused on finding a different job. It's when I'm bored, at home with not much to do that my head and feelings go crazy. I tried to read a book today but I couldn't concentrate. I had to journal my thoughts and feelings and I posted on LS too.

I'm working at maintaining myself so I don't start to act desperate and become the DIVA I'm known to be.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hi!

I don't know your story... but is this guy that you have feelings for married?? If he is not, why is rejecting you and then offering to be friends iwth you in that way (ie. sleeping with you without sex)?

 

I am in love with a MM and I feel like you are feeling right now regarding this man.

[basscatcher]

Hi!

I don't know your story... but is this guy that you have feelings for married?? If he is not, why is rejecting you and then offering to be friends iwth you in that way (ie. sleeping with you without sex)?

 

I am in love with a MM and I feel like you are feeling right now regarding this man.

 

No he's not married and never has been. He is 3 yrs older then I am. He wants NO children. He is independant and not needy. He isn't clingy. He is a rather private man and likes his solitude. He is very highly intellectual and has a very high social circle. He has a good reputation.

 

He doesn't want a needy, high maintanence, whiney, clingy, demanding, selfish woman in his life.

He says I am too negative in my beliefs and that I need to work on changing that. He says I am a very caring, giving, and loving woman.

He sees my flaws as raw as they are and he sees the good in me too. He has been hurt in the past and he doesn't trust women easily. He says he knows I'm a honest and genuine person tht is why he trusts me but not enough to invest himself.

Everyone I talk to about him and everything I know about him I believe the man has genuine feelings for me. I can see it, I can feel it. He is plain and simple: SCARED... Scared to invest. Scared of being used. Scared of being hurt. Scared of being taken advantage of. Scared of failing.

 

I suspect he has future dreams of getting involved in politics and if he has a woman in his life she has to have dignity, respect, integrity, intelligence, a possitive manner about her and be supportive of him without taking the limelight of his career to her advantage to get ahead herself in life..

(I don't think I fit this image to him..Though he see's potential I could if I work on myself to be more dignified.) I think this is a huge reason why he maybe keeping at arms length to a degree. He wants to be close to me but doesn't trust me enough yet to let me all the way in his life. He has some kind of pull in his community with law officals. He can do illegal shyt and get away with it because of who he is. Which I don't know what he does entirely for a living. He has kept his occupation confidentual and most people in the community don't know what he does either? Weird.. My mom thinks he might be like a PI or something where he needs to be a unknown. We don't know. I learned not to push the topic with him.. He told me I will learn what I need to know about him when the time is right.

 

 

 

FRECKLES--Thanks for your words.. I do need guidance but I can't afford a councelor at this time and what I get from LS (sifting through the good and bad posts.) I would get from a therapist. I've had so much counceling in my life I can tell which posters in LS give the right advice. I only need to be reminded of it. This is why I love LS so much; experience and education from the other posters is free..

[bunnzy]

hey his guy your crushing on could be total spy cia or fbi!

 

Cool. But he wants to get into politics and wants a woman to fit the image?!

 

I'm glad you are secure enough to not try to change yourself to fit the 'perfect woman image' he seems to have.

[whichwayisup]

I'm glad you can open up and vent here. It IS theraputic to get thoughts out! You're very honest and speak from your heart...

 

I think that Cur touched on something, and that is your need to 'be' with someone. I worry that because now things are more or less over with Charlie and this other guy has shown interest - Or whatever he is trying to do - You're going to get hurt again. I'm not saying become a Nun or anything, but somehow you have to find other things to keep you busy and not have to rely on having a man in your life to make you feel complete. (I could be way wrong here and offbase, I don't know.) You're a good person with a big heart, so loving and giving...I just want you to find the right man who deservers that love and all that giving you have to offer. Just seems like the wrong one are appearing at your door - Are willing to take from you but not give to you.

 

Surround yourself with your family and friends - Just take a breather from men for afew months. (I mean that in the nicest way, not meant to be taken out of context.) You've been through so much emotionally and because of that I am not sure how clearly you're thinking or wanting to put yourself in another situation that will only cause you more pain.

 

Weird.. My mom thinks he might be like a PI or something where he needs to be a unknown. We don't know. I learned not to push the topic with him.. He told me I will learn what I need to know about him when the time is right.

 

Hopefully it's all legal! Or he's a Secret Agent, kind of like that movie True Lies! LOL!

[basscatcher]

hey his guy your crushing on could be total spy cia or fbi!

 

Cool. But he wants to get into politics and wants a woman to fit the image?!

 

I'm glad you are secure enough to not try to change yourself to fit the 'perfect woman image' he seems to have.

 

I have always worked on improving myself as a person long before he ever came into my life.

Since he has came into my life I have learn so much more with his knowledge then I ever have in all the reading and the counceling I have done.

I do want to change because my past has been destructive.

I have a negative programming from my upbringing that needs to change.

I have seen the glass half empty instead of half full..

I fall into the pit of self-sabatoge when things dont work out and I will tear myself down so bad I have a difficult time pulling myself back up and feel good about who I am.

I was severly verbally and mentally abused growing up by my father and step mother. It is hard to change that programming.

He calls out when he see's it in me and helps me recognize it when I do it.

He then offers suggestions to change the negative thinking to possitives.

 

I have set a standard for myself that whomever is my future has to want the best for me and will help me grow in life to be better.. I change from month to month. The person I was last month is not the same as I am today. As I grow as a person I also change and the man I am to be with also has to change with growth. I believe we must be able to do this together.

This man shows this capability.

I put him on the spot also when he steps off. He said I am the only woman whom he's accepted stepping up to him. I don't do it often because I allow him to be a man and the leader in roles as men and women though if he gets way off I will speak up..

 

I won't conform to what he wants.... I weight what he says and deceide if what he says is true and I accept it or not for myself..

 

I change for myself, not what someone else wants me to be.

[basscatcher]

You're very honest and speak from your heart...

I do. I believe in honesty. I am too honest sometimes and I hurt people unintentionally.

 

this other guy has shown interest - Or whatever he is trying to do - You're going to get hurt again.

this is my fear. he has always shown interest.. i couldn't handle how slow and reserved he was last summer. i backed off for a few reasons.

 

you have to find other things to keep you busy and not have to rely on having a man in your life to make you feel complete. (I could be way wrong here and offbase, I don't know.) You're a good person with a big heart, so loving and giving...I just want you to find the right man who deservers that love and all that giving you have to offer. Just seems like the wrong one are appearing at your door - Are willing to take from you but not give to you.

I agree here also. I don't want a man to 'complete' me because i don't believe there is such a thing. we have to be complete with ourselves and not being able to give love, attention and affection is hard on me. being able to care for a man makes me feel good about my womanhood.

 

Surround yourself with your family and friends - Just take a breather from men for afew months. (I mean that in the nicest way, not meant to be taken out of context.) You've been through so much emotionally and because of that I am not sure how clearly you're thinking or wanting to put yourself in another situation that will only cause you more pain.

i agree with this too. my family is 5 1/2 hours away. i talk to my mom everyday. as for friends i have one i am close to here and the other came back from austia tonight and lives 3 1/2 hours away. the rest of my friends are weekend party friends. it is difficult to surround myself with them.

 

Hopefully it's all legal! Or he's a Secret Agent, kind of like that movie True Lies! LOL!

I don't know what he is. though I do know he has alias names he goes by. he has two homes one he lives in the other he cant because of pesticide contamination on the property and water. he use to take in teenagers as a half way house when they lose their parents. he couldnt do that anymore because he became deathly ill due to the contamination of his property.

Its sad...

 

O well. Time will tell. he knows I don't want to get seriously involved right now and that I need to take care of myself. he knows about charlie and says i need to rid him totally out of my life. he isn't healthy for me. he brings negativity into my life and holds me back from growth.

 

i need to get to bed. have to work tomorrow. tks WWIU your words are always heart felt and taken....

[whichwayisup]

You're welcome! Sleep well and don't let the bed bugs bite!

[Art_Critic]

I think that you are still reeling from Charlie..

 

Your transfering your feelings right smack on the new/old guy..

 

Here is my advice:

 

That new/old flame.. you need to cool it with and stop talking to him.. communicating with him is messing with your head..

 

Then you need a good 3 months without anybody in your life.. I know you will be lonely.. but you haven't given yourself enough time to put yourself back on plane..

You need to work on making yourself happy without a man or a relationship then and only then can you enter a new relationship

[littlekitty]

I think that you are still reeling from Charlie..

 

Your transfering your feelings right smack on the new/old guy..

 

Here is my advice:

 

That new/old flame.. you need to cool it with and stop talking to him.. communicating with him is messing with your head..

 

Then you need a good 3 months without anybody in your life.. I know you will be lonely.. but you haven't given yourself enough time to put yourself back on plane..

You need to work on making yourself happy without a man or a relationship then and only then can you enter a new relationship

 

Word. It's time to take a step back and take time just for you. Then re-evaluate what you want. Right now you're emotionally confused I think.

 

Take care.

[Walk]

I'm in agreement with the "time out".

 

Not to mention, it seems as if you're entranced by the cloak and dagger aspect of this guy. Not that that's a bad thing, but seems like most of your posts talking about the guy are 1.) his money 2.) his secret life 3.) his persona of power.

 

I see a couple things wrong with your posts... You'll willingly state he does illegal things because of his status in life, yet stress his honesty and integrity. You state how great he is because he knows you, yet you don't even know what he does for a living. You attempt to point out how different from Charlie he is, yet the man kept his distance and with held affection from you last summer. And you also state that he didn't push you away, you withdrew. But state he told you he couldn't commit in that way to you.

 

You seem full of contradictions about this man. Each statement you make seems to have an opposite. You seem to overlook the negatives in this.

 

You may be attracted to him, but are they for the right reasons? And is he really what is best for you? You've already stated you feel he wants you to be more dignified. Why can't you just be you? You are already dignified, intellegent, beautiful, and wonderful. You aren't even dating and you say you'd have to be "more" for him to be happy with you....

[freckles3131]

I think that you are still reeling from Charlie..

 

Your transfering your feelings right smack on the new/old guy..

 

Here is my advice:

 

That new/old flame.. you need to cool it with and stop talking to him.. communicating with him is messing with your head..

 

Then you need a good 3 months without anybody in your life.. I know you will be lonely.. but you haven't given yourself enough time to put yourself back on plane..

You need to work on making yourself happy without a man or a relationship then and only then can you enter a new relationship

 

Here's the thing.....If there are feelings there, he will be there in 3 months. You will be stronger for the situation should you choose at that time to persue it. You will have a clearer head/perspective and not be in the phase you are in now. (hopefully) It is hard to have yearnings/passionate feelings and not want to act immedietly on them...totally understand..BUT, take a few months and gain some perspective. Make sure you aren't acting on purely those desires/loneliness/need. That's what I would do......the MAIN reason I would hold off is due to his being "scared". When one gets involved with someone that has this on their plate, one has to be fully prepared for the "push/pull" scenario. I fear he might end up doing this to you. You need to decipher what that would do to you, how much you are willing to tolerate should it occur and have your heart partially in check. *right now, it feels like you need a little more self-awareness, independance, self-assurance to embark on this.....Due to his being scared etc....stepping into this you need to be STRONG and not weak in the knees so to speak....Let the butterflies fade a bit.......put your thoughts into other things....I know it's exciting and hard not to "dream" but......push the thoughts aside as much as you can, for the moment....let things cool down in you. He said he wants/needs an independant, non-clingy, strong woman......I think you would be putty in his hands and ga-ga....(due to the passion you feel) You don't want to go into this only to set yourself up to fail. Take a breather.

Peace~

By the way, this is merely my humble opinion and what I personally would do...(having learned alot from my past experiences...) Not saying what's good for me, would be good for you...but, I would say the say the same thing to any of my friends.... *hug

[alphamale]

Hi PADA!

 

I would agree with A_c in post #17. Good luck.

[blind_otter]

I'm in agreement with the "time out".

 

Not to mention, it seems as if you're entranced by the cloak and dagger aspect of this guy. Not that that's a bad thing, but seems like most of your posts talking about the guy are 1.) his money 2.) his secret life 3.) his persona of power.

 

I see a couple things wrong with your posts... You'll willingly state he does illegal things because of his status in life, yet stress his honesty and integrity. You state how great he is because he knows you, yet you don't even know what he does for a living. You attempt to point out how different from Charlie he is, yet the man kept his distance and with held affection from you last summer. And you also state that he didn't push you away, you withdrew. But state he told you he couldn't commit in that way to you.

 

You seem full of contradictions about this man. Each statement you make seems to have an opposite. You seem to overlook the negatives in this.

 

You may be attracted to him, but are they for the right reasons? And is he really what is best for you? You've already stated you feel he wants you to be more dignified. Why can't you just be you? You are already dignified, intellegent, beautiful, and wonderful. You aren't even dating and you say you'd have to be "more" for him to be happy with you....

 

Good post, I agree.

 

I think you get involved in fantasy relationships inside your head.

[basscatcher]

Thanks A_C, Walk, WWIU, Alpha and Freckles. I do agree with all of you... I don't dispute it.

 

I have strong desires, this I know.

I HAVE been putting this guy off. He has propositioned me several times in the past few weeks and I HAVE said NO to him all but 2 times. Once was to fix the brakes in my car (which he did) and then we spent a little time together afterwards.

 

Here's few emails after his invitations to spend time with him. Heres a few I will share with you:

 

He asked: What would cheer you up.

I responded:

Time is my friend right now. Time to heal. Time to let go. Time to get over it all.

What I want that comes to mind would only be surface and temporary.

What I really want is much deeper then that for me.

Like you said, I look to far in the future and not in the present.

I wish many things that I can't control, because I can't control other people's hearts or lives. I can only control my own life and my heart controls me. I try to hard.

I want my life to be different.

I want to feel happiness, I want to feel at peace. I want to feel love. I want to feel content.

I want to be wanted. . I want to be cared for. I want to be accepted. I want to respected. I want to be held. I want to be appreciated.

I want to be and feel good enough...............

 

Here is a email I sent him after he offered me to spend the night with him:

............ your offer to me tonight to sleep with you is dangerous. Temptation.

You know the past between us and how my feelings started to develop in a direction you are not comfortable with.

If I start sleeping with you those feelings will be feed and you don't want that.(You expressed it previously.) I can't have a FWB because I have feelings for you!!!

 

Being in your arms a few weeks back resurfaced those feelings that I have worked at putting behind me. If I could go back to that night I wouldn't change my mind about spending that time with you. Your tenderness calmed me when I felt like I was losing myself.

You know I desire you and like your affection. You have shown me more loving affection then I have had in a long, long time. I don't want you playing with my heart and that is why I am cautious.

 

I also don't want to use you as a rebound. It is too soon for me to get involved with someone intimately. I don't want to use you; even if you don't care that I do. You don't deserve that and neither do I. You mean more to me then just a f***.

 

If you and I can't willingly allow more to grow between us then what is, then I would rather remain as we are.

 

Unless, you have had a change of heart concerning me, I can't get physically close to you because my feelings will grow.

I won't put my life on hold for a man.

 

You confuse me about your intentions. Sometimes I think and feel your sincere about me and at other times I think and feel like you want me as a play-toy only.

 

And Another refusal:

I'm sorry I didn't take up your offer last night. It was very tempting, VERY. The way you made the offer to just sleep next to you was nice. You are a comfort to me.

 

My mood was uncontrolled and I didn't want to subject you to it anymore then you already had.

You defintely don't deserve it and it's not fair for me to take it out on you. Especially, when it's not even about you. I was in a physical mood with so much aggressive negative energy running through me, I would have treated you abusively.

 

I need to get myself unstuck. I have to work on getting him out from 'under my skin'; if I can.

 

Once again, Thank you for your kindness it is greatly appreciated.

Someday, I may be able to take you up on your offer if it still stands. Only time will tell and I look forward to the time to get myself OUT of this negative rut.

 

I awoke in a much better mood today. It's a new day and I feel better. Thank you for bearing with me yesterday.

-------------------

So you can all see I have been putting him off. He is fully aware I am NOT ready to get involved with him. That I NEED my space and time. I am not rushing to him to fill in the loneliness.

I am tempted too but have held strong to my convictions except those two times.

He has respected my decisions to refuse his offers.

 

I do agree with everyone's opinions here. I thank each of you personally for your words of advice and encouragement. I sure need them.

[tinktronik]

 

Here is a email I sent him after he offered me to spend the night with him:

............ your offer to me tonight to sleep with you is dangerous. Temptation.

You know the past between us and how my feelings started to develop in a direction you are not comfortable with.

If I start sleeping with you those feelings will be feed and you don't want that.(You expressed it previously.) I can't have a FWB because I have feelings for you!!!

 

Being in your arms a few weeks back resurfaced those feelings that I have worked at putting behind me. If I could go back to that night I wouldn't change my mind about spending that time with you. Your tenderness calmed me when I felt like I was losing myself.

You know I desire you and like your affection. You have shown me more loving affection then I have had in a long, long time. I don't want you playing with my heart and that is why I am cautious.

 

I also don't want to use you as a rebound. It is too soon for me to get involved with someone intimately. I don't want to use you; even if you don't care that I do. You don't deserve that and neither do I. You mean more to me then just a f***.

 

If you and I can't willingly allow more to grow between us then what is, then I would rather remain as we are.

 

Unless, you have had a change of heart concerning me, I can't get physically close to you because my feelings will grow.

I won't put my life on hold for a man.

 

You confuse me about your intentions. Sometimes I think and feel your sincere about me and at other times I think and feel like you want me as a play-toy only.

 

And Another refusal:

I'm sorry I didn't take up your offer last night. It was very tempting, VERY. The way you made the offer to just sleep next to you was nice. You are a comfort to me.

 

My mood was uncontrolled and I didn't want to subject you to it anymore then you already had.

You defintely don't deserve it and it's not fair for me to take it out on you. Especially, when it's not even about you. I was in a physical mood with so much aggressive negative energy running through me, I would have treated you abusively.

 

I need to get myself unstuck. I have to work on getting him out from 'under my skin'; if I can.

 

Once again, Thank you for your kindness it is greatly appreciated.

Someday, I may be able to take you up on your offer if it still stands. Only time will tell and I look forward to the time to get myself OUT of this negative rut.

 

I awoke in a much better mood today. It's a new day and I feel better. Thank you for bearing with me yesterday.

-------------------

.

Pada, your giving completely mixed signals . In the first statement, you give a fairly firm NO , I need more than what you are offering. In he second one you leave off with a question of what you may soon be willing to accept.Why would he commit to more than you have accepted before when your leaving it up in the air and not even knowing yourself ?Your convincing yourself to let someone else have you at the discount price.Don't do that.

[basscatcher]

Pada, your giving completely mixed signals . In the first statement, you give a fairly firm NO , I need more than what you are offering. In he second one you leave off with a question of what you may soon be willing to accept.Why would he commit to more than you have accepted before when your leaving it up in the air and not even knowing yourself ?Your convincing yourself to let someone else have you at the discount price.Don't do that.

 

I am not willing to accept less as a permanent choice. He knows this.

 

He and I have had several conversations between these two email conversations.

He knows I am the kind of person who needs/craves/desires touch (to be held). I am a huggy person and there are times when I feel like I'm the plague.

 

He knows how much I struggle with not beign touched. He has offered to just hold me to help me feel better and calm my nerves. I have refused because I know I am vulnerable to rebound onto him. As A_C said, "I am transferring my feelings" and I don't want to do that. It isn't healthy..

I am holding my own as well as I can. If I'm going to fail and fall I would rather do it with him because I trust him and he WON'T push me.

 

Even when I want to be held I have said NO. If I feel the desperation I will take his offer up because it's my choice. For now I am holding off. I am survivie through the anxiety attacks and loneliness.

 

I cried so hard into my pillow the other night I had to switch pillows because mine was soaked from tears. My chest literally hurts inside and I feel like its going to explode at times. I breath, try to relax, try to focus on something possitive instead of my loneliness. I don't have anyone I can call when I get like that. Everyone I know would trip out and freak out worried about me if they were to encounter me on that emotional rollercoaster.

 

Believe me when I say I am holding my own. though there are times when I feel like I'm going to literally die...

I reach out to my beloved LSr's before I do anything completely stupid..

 

I hate feelings so lost.