AriaIncognito Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 I can't think of a good title for this one. Guess I'll just get into it. What would you make of the following situation. Two people are dating but not in a committed relationship of sorts (meaning not calling themselves bf/gf but also not seeing other people) for about 3-4 months so far. The man loves the time he spends with the woman. He tells her that whenever he's with her, he feels great. Doesn't worry about the relationship or how he feels, etc. However, when he's alone, without her, he starts to feel apprehensive that something isnt right. This usually happens after talking to his family it seems (as theres some issues with his being jewish and her not. his mom seems ok with his, his dad i'm not sure, and in general he's not sure how they'd feel about it for a long term). He keeps in pretty constant contact with her, pretty much daily in some way. He even brought flowers and groceries over when she was sick, so he obviously cares about her. Has anyone ever experienced this in a relationship? Feeling fine and happy when you are with the person, then feeling confused when you weren't? If so, what was causing the confusion? What did you do about it? Was the only remedy time? Walking away? Thanks for reading and I look forward to your replies. :-) Jennifer
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 Communication. It's obvious that nothing is being talked about, neither of you really know where the other person stands, feels or wants. That confusion is not knowing what is going on in the other persons head! So, ask! If you two enjoy eachothers company and want it to turn more serious, pick a day - Go somewhere quiet and talk openly and honestly.
Author AriaIncognito Posted May 7, 2006 Author Posted May 7, 2006 The thing is, it's talked about quite often. He can't seem to pinpoint what it is that's making him apprehensive. I dont know how he can be 'forced' to figure it out, when he honestly doesn't seem to know what's causing it. it's quite baffling, for sure. The uncertainty seems to be talked about every few weeks. I guess one could say she should walk away from him until he has a clue, but she doesn't want to do that just yet... Jennifer
noclobber Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 I can perfectly emphathize with your situation. I was going out with a woman to dinners, movies, games, concerts etc... just the two of us.. so they were really like dates. We like each other and care for each other. But when I wanted to take it to the next level she said she can't b'cos I am not her type. She is Jewish and I am a Hindu and she said she can only marry a Jew or atleast a Christian. She said she only have me as a friend. This may not be the exact thing that is happening in your case but you have explicitly stated that your guy is Jewish so I'm speculating that the religious difference may be a problem. It's best to have a heart-to-heart talk with this man and know his motives for sure. Good luck!
Author AriaIncognito Posted May 7, 2006 Author Posted May 7, 2006 Hi noclobber, and thanks for the reply. :-) I'll stop talking in 3rd person now. Not sure why i started the thread that way... Anyway, he and I have discussed the whole religion thing. We've even had talks about what we personally believe in, religious labels off, and well, he said "are you sure you're not Jewish?" so obviously my beliefs are quite in line with his. He has told me that he is afraid of disappointing his family, by not marrying within the faith, but for some reason, he's still with me. He and i have had talks about his faith, and what it would entail if we were to be a long term thing. His particular area of Judaism is reform, and they do consider children jewish if at least 1 parent is jewish, and the child is raised jewish. He knows that I would be willing to raise children that way, if it's important to him. I'm not particularly rooted to my religion (baptist, fyi). I am pretty sure a happy medium could be reached on the subject, so I've not spent too much time worrying over it. I guess I'm old fashioned and I figure where there's a will, there's a way, or love conquers all, or something like that. I feel like, if we are in love, there will be nothing we wont be able to face together. However, we both have to be of the same mindset for that to work, obviously. I sincerely hope that he can ease his confusion. I've been as open and honest as possible. He tells me that i've been nothing but wonderful, and that i do nothing that makes him start thinking this way. It's something with him. Yesterday he brought me to a party that his former coworkers were having, and they loved me. The hostess mentioned that she had met his ex (they were together for several years, lived together) and she said that she "worked him over pretty good", so i'm not sure if maybe there's more that I don't know. She also told me she didn't like the former gf, that she just didn't seem like she treated him well, seemed like a princess, etc. When I left the party, she kept telling me I was more than welcome back, even "if i dump him" (she said jokingly), so I know I have her approval. I dont know if he brought me there to get more opinions of me, or what. I guess time will tell on that one. I'd love to talk to the hostess again, to get more details on what she was telling me, but we were only alone for about 10 minutes, so we didn't get much time... Anyway, there's more for ya to read. Happy replying :-) I really do appreciate all the responses! I love having LS as a sounding board, and a place for us all to keep our sanity in this insane dating world. Jennifer
noclobber Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 You are welcome I also remember your previous threads where you had the same confusion. By this time concerns about the religious differences should have been discussed and a firm decision must have been made. But from this thread it looks like it is still a problem and that's why I feel that you should have a talk with your guy before you fall even harder and deeper. It's very clear that you two like each other a lot and you are willing to raise your kids Jewish. That says a lot about your love for this man and the level of committment you are showing in this relationship. I think you are a wonderful woman and he is a lucky man to have you. I really hope and pray that it works out for you. Keep us posted!
MadDog Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 It sounds like he's emotionally invested in you. Knowing that you see other people can't be a good feeling for him. Is religion the only reason you two aren't in a committed relationship?
Author AriaIncognito Posted May 7, 2006 Author Posted May 7, 2006 MadDog, I don't see other people....I'm not sure where you got that impression? Let me know in case i need to update a post or something. I'm very committed to him and I won't see anyone else until this plays out. I enjoy being with him a great deal. He's a great person, our morals are very much in line, we get along fabulously. Can talk for hours and not get bored or run out of things to say. I truly enjoy our time together immensely. He knows I will not see other people. I told him this recently. He has also agreed that if he were to want to pursue someone else, that he'd let me know, because I told him that would change my mind on things, as I'm mentally and emotionally now committed to our relationship, whether or not the label exists or not... Jennifer
Author AriaIncognito Posted May 7, 2006 Author Posted May 7, 2006 Is religion the only reason you two aren't in a committed relationship? If it were up to me, we'd be in a committed relationship. The only reason we aren't, is because of his "uncertainty" when he's apart from me. He says that he shouldn't ever feel uncertain about it, that something MUST be wrong, though he can't pinpoint what that could be, since when we talk or are together, he's very happy. Sigh. Very frustrating indeed... Jennifer
MadDog Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 If it were up to me, we'd be in a committed relationship. The only reason we aren't, is because of his "uncertainty" when he's apart from me. He says that he shouldn't ever feel uncertain about it, that something MUST be wrong, though he can't pinpoint what that could be, since when we talk or are together, he's very happy. Sigh. Very frustrating indeed... Jennifer Whoops. Misread your post. I thought you said not committed and seeing other people. If you two aren't seeing other people, isn't that pretty much the same as a commitment minus the title? I always thought a committed, exclusive relationship just means you're only going to see each other unless you two break up. Isn't that sort of the situation you're in right now? It sounds like your guy just has insecurities. It might not seem like it but it's actually a good thing you're not in a committed relationship with him because if there's one type of person who makes a relationship really miserable, it's insecure people. You have a sort of a conundrum here. You obviously want to be in a committed relationship with him, title and all. Are you staying with him hoping he'll change his mind with time or are you willing to accept that things could stay this way indefinately?
Author AriaIncognito Posted May 7, 2006 Author Posted May 7, 2006 I definitely wouldn't want things to stay this way indefinitely. I'd hope that in time, he'd discover what's bothering him, and we'd come to an answer one way or the other. I've been trying to give him the time/space he needs to figure that out, because I do enjoy his company and think we have great potential as a couple. I realize that all we seem to be lacking, is the label. However, without knowing he's fully committed, via actions and words, I find that I get jealous thinking maybe he could be out finding someone else. He always assures me that he isn't, that he'd not have the time even if he wanted to since he spends so much on me anyway, but I guess I have my own insecurities (don't we all). Of course, my logical mind tells me that if he doesn't see the good thing he has in front of him and goes out and finds someone else, that it's his loss, and not mine, but of course my heart would hurt very badly if it came to that. Unfortunately, there's not much room for logic, when it comes to the heart. Jennifer
MadDog Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 Ah yes. The ever present bifurcation between logic and emotions. It, along with our mortality, is what makes us human. So you're at the 4 month mark. You probably know this but you can't wait forever; well, I guess you could but you won't be very happy doing it. I hate to be the bringer of bad news but if nothing's changed a few months from now, there's a good chance he'll be the way he is now indefinately. It's kinda like people that go into comas. Statistically, if you don't come out of it within the first couple weeks, there's a very low chance you'll ever come out of it. The last thing you want is to look back 2-3 years from now and realize nothing's changed. I've always been a fan of the "accept them for who they are or dump them but don't expect or wait for them to change" theory." I think the #1 mistake people make in relationships is to expect their SO's to change, especially when their happiness relies on that change.
Author AriaIncognito Posted May 7, 2006 Author Posted May 7, 2006 Ah yes. The ever present bifurcation between logic and emotions. It, along with our mortality, is what makes us human. So you're at the 4 month mark. You probably know this but you can't wait forever; well, I guess you could but you won't be very happy doing it. I hate to be the bringer of bad news but if nothing's changed a few months from now, there's a good chance he'll be the way he is now indefinately. It's kinda like people that go into comas. Statistically, if you don't come out of it within the first couple weeks, there's a very low chance you'll ever come out of it. The last thing you want is to look back 2-3 years from now and realize nothing's changed. I've always been a fan of the "accept them for who they are or dump them but don't expect or wait for them to change" theory." I think the #1 mistake people make in relationships is to expect their SO's to change, especially when their happiness relies on that change. I realize that i can't let it go this way forever, and that eventually, i could be left with a very hard decision on my hands (to walk away from someone i potentially have fallen in love with) but I guess I can't give up the possibility just yet. I've always been of the you can't change them camp either. I don't want him to "change" so to speak though. Confusion does occur at times, and people then come to a realization which solves the confusion. This wont change the person he is. If i were to be sitting here saying "he's jewish and i want him not to be" well then that would be a change to the person. I merely want for him to come to a decision on his feelings. He obviously cares a great deal about me, as proven by his actions. A guy wont offer to come over with a bag full of groceries and flowers, and then take you to the doctor, then come back and cook for you, if he doesn't care. He also wouldn't wait on doing "the deed" if he didn't care about how it could affect you (we waited 2.5 months). He also wouldn't care so much about hurting me with his indecision. He mentions to me that he's afraid that i'll get hurt and he doesn't want me to get hurt. I said either way, it can hurt. Be it in a committed titled relationship or not. We've invested the time in this and the emotions. I really don't want him to change. I enjoy the person that he is, quirks and all, but I would like him to understand what it is he wants, in terms of us. Jennifer
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