Author eyeswideshut Posted May 10, 2006 Author Posted May 10, 2006 scarlett letter, are you me?? I felt I was reading my journal entry. It's been 9 months for me too, but we've always been friends, so it's just different i guess. He phoned tonight. We haven't spoken since 3 weeks ago. (he reminded me of this) He keeps emailing, but I don't respond often, (twice a week, very platonic) Anyway. He wants to come over and watch a movie. he says his mariage counseling is not really working, they are fighting more than ever. Then I said: the first two years of mariage are the most difficult, haven't you read that somewhere? Then he asks me if I think it would be difficult if it were me and him. So I gave him my honest reply: "i have no experience in that department so I can't tell you. I live alone and I don't get on my nerves." I feel as though he is really working against his will continuing to work through this marriage. But, you know, my inspiration now is Prince Charles and Camilla. hahaha i'm in the "we're just friends" mode. he's in the "i've been having the most depressing last few weeks mode, trying to wean myself from you..." why on earth is he "weaning" is that the death of us?
scarletletter Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 EWS--I'm not sure how I would behave if mm wanted to try and work on his marriage. I'm pretty sure and I would like to think that I would be GONE for good. It would be difficult to know that he is working on the marriage when he knows that I am wanting to be with him. I think you are smart to do the no contact in that respect. My mm has already been through counseling a year ago and he quit because the wife was totally pissed that the counselor was finding fault with her instead of him. He said she quit trying a long time ago. They are together for the kids only right now and I can understand that, even though it is a typical excuse. If he told me that he needed to try again with her...I would be devastated but I would have to let him go. LOVE STINKS when it causes you pain. I think you are doing the right thing...be strong.
scarletletter Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 ScarletLetter.... We have all confessed our feelings for our MM. That's why we are all here, so you really don't have to defend your reasons! Really! We completely understand. All I want to add, is be careful and remain aware. Don't get lost ONLY in your emotions. Keep your mind sharp in this situation. *BigHug* That is what I keep telling myself. I'm trying to be "not so available" and always on my toes....my heart is WAY bigger than my brain....so its tough. Maybe that is why I am sitting at my computer with 1/2 gallon of ice cream and a spoon in front of me!! LOL
rossm Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I was just wondering how you are all doing this week. Any of you broke NC? But what are you all up to? I'm curious. I'm trying to go NC. She didn't take my request very well. Sigh. She keeps trying to contact me several times daily (via IM). It is like a sweet siren song.... drawing me closer. Most of the time, I ignore her, but it is hard to. Sigh. I'll admit that I have broken down on occasion and responded. Generally with short one-word answers. I can tell that it's pissing her off. Maybe she'll stop soon.
Author eyeswideshut Posted May 10, 2006 Author Posted May 10, 2006 the thing is, my situation is not even defined as a relationship. we've know each other forever, but since our "friendship" picked up, it was a back and forth emailing thing. We were never an official couple. he wasn't even my boyfriend. So i'm only attached in the sense that I am single and he has all the qualities i look for in a man, but in reality, I know he is working on his marriage, so i didn't do the NC thing cold turkey, because I don't know how to stop a friendship. I wonder if i should stop it completely though, although i have no expectations of a future with him. (when he told me he was getting a divorce, i was a bit scared to tell you the truth because then i was afraid it would have been all my fault) I'm wondering if i should just stay out of his life, however, we are great friends and although we got intimate, and although i went through two weeks of withdrawal after, I feel stronger now, and I feel as though this friendship is worth pursuing. I won't sleep with him again and he knows that, but he keeps saying we'd be so good together. anyway. all i know, this is not lust. If it were lust, I would feel that i needed him 24/7 right? argh!!!
StoneyHeart Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I remember the exMM (gone) that I couldn't cut off alltogether b/c was boss told me that she was designing their new house (which to me was a stab that they were working on things) and I just changed his nickname in my email to "His New House" rather than his name- not sure if you have the ability to change your MM's nickname in email to something like "He's Just a Friend" or "He's Going to MC" but maybe that will help you keep emotions in check when you see an email if you can't go NC yet. I would get so mad when I'd see that name in my inbox that it wasn't as easy to draw me in (and one of my small satisfactions in life is that he put her off so much on that project b/c of me for 2 years- that's what he told me anyway- that she never did get to build it).
movinon05 Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I'm trying to go NC. She didn't take my request very well. Sigh. She keeps trying to contact me several times daily (via IM). It is like a sweet siren song.... drawing me closer. Most of the time, I ignore her, but it is hard to. Sigh. I'll admit that I have broken down on occasion and responded. Generally with short one-word answers. I can tell that it's pissing her off. Maybe she'll stop soon. One word answers is good. Its pissing her off. But she's still getting something from you to keep her going, hoping you'll capitulate. Imagine if you stopped responding altogether. She would probably get the message loud and clear and stop eventually too. NC is NC.
rossm Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 One word answers is good. Its pissing her off. But she's still getting something from you to keep her going, hoping you'll capitulate. Imagine if you stopped responding altogether. She would probably get the message loud and clear and stop eventually too. NC is NC. I know, I know. This must be what drug withdrawal is like. "No thanks, I'm trying to go clean." "No thanks, I'm trying to go clean." "No thanks, I'm trying to go clean." "Oh, what the hell. One litle hit." Sigh.
Walking away Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Baby steps, Ross. Baby steps. You are doing fine. You are human. Just keep going in the right direction. We are proud of you!
zarathustra Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Baby steps, Ross. Baby steps. You are doing fine. You are human. Just keep going in the right direction. We are proud of you! I agree with WA, Ross. I'm your greatest cheerleader! Gimme an "N"... Gimme a "C"... GOOOOOOOO NC!!! :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: Ok... I'm done my silly moments. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Get them bunnies to stop hopping!!!!
Walking away Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Geez Zara! All of those bunnies are going to give me a seizure!
rossm Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 She just tried IMing me again. "So, are you still being a jerk?" * waits awhile (no response from me)* "Yep, I guess so." Oh, please give me the strength to stay away!!!!!!
zarathustra Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 She just tried IMing me again. "So, are you still being a jerk?" * waits awhile (no response from me)* "Yep, I guess so." Oh, please give me the strength to stay away!!!!!! I'm sure that if she keeps talking to you that way, then it won't be so hard. Doesn't sound like she has the conviction to save her marriage. Keep your focus on what you want as a goal and don't lose sight. Yeah, it'll hurt. Yeah, she'll hurt, but you are doing the right thing for both of your marriages. Besides, if she doesn't want to work on her marriage, it should be your problem and she shouldn't try to make you her side dish.
RealityCheck Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Rossm... Zara is 100% correct! The OW may not be in the same head space as you are in terms of working on her marriage, but that's her problem! It is not your job to run save her from her situation! That's her responsibility! Stick to your guns! Tell her that you LOVE your wife and are trying to save your marriage! Should things change you'll let her know! You are so doing the right thing!
rossm Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I'm sure that if she keeps talking to you that way, then it won't be so hard. Doesn't sound like she has the conviction to save her marriage. ... Besides, if she doesn't want to work on her marriage, it shouldn't be your problem and she shouldn't try to make you her side dish. Ironically, she said that the reason she wanted to pull back from a physical & emotional A to just an emotional A was because she felt guilty and wanted to work on her own marriage. From what she has said, she IS doing things about it, but like zarathustra said, maybe she believes there is no hope and is just going through the motions. Hers is a really sad story. Emotionally abused as a child. Husband of 10 years who has always rejected intimacy with her. Now as a defense mechanism, she is repulsed by his touch or seeing him naked. She considered leaving him a year ago, but decided against it because she wants to honor her wedding vows. I guess that's admirable, but it sure is a lot of sufering to endure. She's been in counseling for these issues for a year. Ladies, from a female perspective, what is she doing here? Why is she clinging on? Or is she just pshcho?
zarathustra Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Ironically, she said that the reason she wanted to pull back from a physical & emotional A to just an emotional A was because she felt guilty and wanted to work on her own marriage. From what she has said, she IS doing things about it, but like zarathustra said, maybe she believes there is no hope and is just going through the motions. Hers is a really sad story. Emotionally abused as a child. Husband of 10 years who has always rejected intimacy with her. Now as a defense mechanism, she is repulsed by his touch or seeing him naked. She considered leaving him a year ago, but decided against it because she wants to honor her wedding vows. I guess that's admirable, but it sure is a lot of sufering to endure. She's been in counseling for these issues for a year. Ladies, from a female perspective, what is she doing here? Why is she clinging on? Or is she just pshcho? You know what Ross... her issues are her issues. I think she is clinging on to you because she looks at you as someone she can control or that an EA is something she can put under her control. See for me, having endured abuse (not by my people in my family), I used food as a method of control. When things don't go my way, I stop eating. I can control what goes in my mouth and how much of it goes in my body. When I lose control, I become bulimic. I don't take it out on others but I take it out on myself. So what I'm seeing is not that she's psycho, but that she is trying to find a part of her life that she can control as she cannot control her H and the circumstances within her M. It isn't admirable what she is doing because she is not keeping her marriage vows by having you in her life.. many times an EA is much stronger than a PA. Anyone can f*** with another person, but its not so easy to detatch from someone once the emotions run deep. Keep on walking, friend. Focus on what needs to be done to keep your family intact if that's what you want out of your marriage. You are strong. Keep believing that.
Walking away Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 i would also like to add Ross: People want what they cannot have. Women are no different than men in this arena. And, she cannot have you....so now she wants you. You always want what you cannot have. It is human nature.
RealityCheck Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Rossm, The reality is, you cannot help someone who doesn't want to help themselves! It is not anyone's job to take on other people's stuff! My ex H believes that if I go back to him that he will be much happier, when the cold heart truth is, it will only candy coat his issues! I told him point blank "FIX YOURSELF"! I can't help you! One thing is clear, every life experience is ALWAYS brought back to Self!
rossm Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 You know what Ross... her issues are her issues. I think she is clinging on to you because she looks at you as someone she can control or that an EA is something she can put under her control. So what I'm seeing is not that she's psycho, but that she is trying to find a part of her life that she can control as she cannot control her H and the circumstances within her M. It isn't admirable what she is doing because she is not keeping her marriage vows by having you in her life.. many times an EA is much stronger than a PA. Anyone can f*** with another person, but its not so easy to detatch from someone once the emotions run deep. Something she can control in her life. You know, that makes total sense. Thanks for the insight.
Walking away Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Yep, and her life is spinning out of control now. I agree. Good point.
zarathustra Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Yep, and her life is spinning out of control now. I agree. Good point. Yeah, its not much different than being anorexic. I can't control my life so I'll control what goes in my body. At least that was how I felt in my darker hours.
Can't Cut it Off... Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Hello all- I just stumbled onto this site & it's been a godsend reading through everything. I'm a 20-something involved in a PA (EA?) w/ another 20-something MM w/ one kid & another on the way (first child is what led to the marriage). I work with him - though luckily not in the same direct office. It started off about 8 months ago as a friendship & the conversations started to progress & we started talking about going out (he was seprated), then they got back together & I cut it off. Then a few months later, we started talking again & getting friendly again...which progressed into what we both termed a "friends with benefits" type situation over the past 8 weeks. We have great conversations for hours..but then end up getting physical. He's a self-proclaimed serial cheater -- and I have no illusions of ending up with him in the long term & am pretty sure I wouldn't want to. He doesn't bring a lot to the table in a long-term relationship setting... and I really don't think about him when he's not around. But he's attractive, athletic, fun to be around, sociable, and we get along on a friendship level really well. As someone mentioned in a previous post here - it's like I'm a drug addict & need a fix. I hate the idea of being a "homewrecker," and I never thought I'd be in this situation. I've always thought I respect marriages more than that... and I still believe I'd never "go after" a married man. But for some reason, he instigated this way back when & then we both sort of rekindled it, and I fell right into it. What's even worse - I occasionally run into his wife! Part of me wants to continue it (obviously the selfish part) b/c I like the attention-- but a big part of me also knows its wrong. And now, although I'm getting better at not initiating contact... the flirtation comes right back when we encounter each other at work (a couple of times a week)... and it usually leads to more. He's definitely getting his cake and eating it too... and I'm oddly complacent with the whole situation. I started counseling last week (for the first time ever) b/c this seems to be illustrative of my past relationship history(i was a serial dater & cheated on every boyfriend I ever had...). Thoughts, anyone? I welcome the positive and negative.
CantCutitOff Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Hello all- I just stumbled onto this site & this particular thread & it's been somewhat of a relief. I'm a 20-something involved in a PA (EA?) w/ another 20-something MM w/ one kid & another on the way (first child is what led to the marriage). I work with him - though luckily not in the same direct office. It started off about 8 months ago as a friendship & the conversations started to progress & we started talking about going out (he was separated at the time), then they got back together & I cut it off. Then a few months later, we started talking again & getting friendly again...which progressed into what we both termed a "friends with benefits" type situation over the past 8 weeks. We have great conversations for hours..but then end up getting physical. He's told me that he's a bit of a serial cheater -- (and I believe it). I have no illusions of ending up with him in the long term & am pretty sure I wouldn't want to. He doesn't bring a lot to the table in a long-term relationship setting... and I really don't think about him when he's not around. But he's attractive, athletic, fun to be around, sociable, and we get along on a friendship level really well. As someone mentioned in a previous post here - it's like I'm a drug addict & need a fix. I hate the idea of being a "homewrecker," and I never thought I'd be in this situation. I've always thought I respect marriages more than that... and I still believe I'd never "go after" a married man. But for some reason, he instigated this way back when & then we both sort of rekindled it, and I fell right into it. What's even worse - I occasionally run into his wife! Worse of all -- I'm upset that I've put myself in a potentially harmful professional situation if anything gets out... Part of me wants to continue it (obviously the selfish part) b/c I like the attention-- but a big part of me also knows its wrong. And now, although I'm getting better at not initiating contact... the flirtation comes right back when we encounter each other at work (a couple of times a week)... and it usually leads to more. He's definitely getting his cake and eating it too... and I'm oddly complacent with the whole situation. I started counseling last week (for the first time ever) b/c this seems to be illustrative of my past relationship history(i was a serial dater & cheated on every boyfriend I ever had...). Thoughts, anyone? I welcome the positive and negative.
movinon05 Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Cantcutitoff You need to start your own thread with this one. You'll get fresh responses from everyone!
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