kindlovinglovelylady Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 I have been dating this fabulous man for almost 5 months now and known him for 7 months. We have been on many fantastic dates and each time that he has to leave, I miss him before he's gone! Up until recently, we were intimate however, due to my faith and convictions of the Holy Spirit, I have chosen to abstain and he is totally respectful when it comes to that. (In fact, when I have had moments since where I didn't care about my convictions, he refused to allow me to head down that path!) The night before I received such convictions, we had a very special night together and I told him that I could no longer hold back from telling him how I felt about him. He then told me that he loves me but is not in love with me. How he feels doesn't matter to me and I hope that one day he does fall in love with me. Since there is love there, it can't be that difficult, can it? I do know that he went through a rough spot in his life where he thought all women were evil and then got over that. He has admitted he is commitment-phobic and doesn't know where things will go with us. I am not in any hurry but admittedly hope that one day he and I will become husband and wife. I am a strong believer in God and KNOW that this man was put into my life as an answer to prayers over the past few years. Therefore, I refuse to give up on someone I love with all my heart and soul. He has a couple of female co-workers who are platonic who have told him that he's just chicken. From the way he's treated me on all levels, I have to believe them. His actions definitely show his feelings. He opens ALL doors for me, communicates openly, and treats me like a queen ALL the time. What does anyone think might be the issue here? Are there any men out there in their late 40s who have ever felt this way and if so, how did you know that you were in love with the woman that you are with today? Are there any late 40s women who have been in a similar situation? I guess I just need some reassurance that my friend is just treading lightly so as not to be hurt again. *SIGH* I hope someone has some advice for me. Lost In Love In The South
cupidette Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 You can't just wait around for someone to hopefully fall in love. That is no way for any one to live. He just likes having a lady and he doesn't want to be alone. You are going to have to face that there is no future with him eventually. The longer you put that off, the more it will hurt in the end. The solution is to openly declare what you have as a friendship and nothing more. If you need to seperate from him because a friendship is awkward, then do so.
Author kindlovinglovelylady Posted May 7, 2006 Author Posted May 7, 2006 Thanks for the 'advice' but I do not agree with you. I specifically asked 'how does one know when they are 'in love'. It is not just a friendship. He has professed that he will be around for a very long time and as far as I'm concerned, that's fine. Just because there is no sex doesn't mean it's just a friendship. He is one of those rare men who does understand women and hates to see women who become involved with abusers (in all forms). He has also professed that he loves me and not just as a friend. We BOTH have agreed to abstain because it is what is morally correct and he has been wonderful about EVERYTHING. I have had rotten relationships in the past and this one is definitely different. I have a time of understanding things because he is so nice and kind and sweet and gentle AND respectful. It's definitely not what I've been accustomed to in the past. So I chose to break a pattern and it has worked! I just have a simple question and didn't ask to be told that I should dump the relationship. It's not happening! Please save your advice for someone who truly needs what you suggested for me.
Butterflying Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 I really don't understand that statement, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I think it's a stupid way of telling someone that you basically, don't love them. Love is a lot of things. But one thing love ISN'T is uncertain. When you love someone, you just know. Love is a feeling. It inspires people to do positive things for whomever they love. Love will make a commitment phobe, commit. Love will make you do things you never thought you would do. But if you ever have to question what you feel, then it's not love. And if you question someone else's feelings for you, it's not love.
patsdynasty55 Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 I really don't understand that statement, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I think it's a stupid way of telling someone that you basically, don't love them. Love is a lot of things. But one thing love ISN'T is uncertain. When you love someone, you just know. Love is a feeling. It inspires people to do positive things for whomever they love. Love will make a commitment phobe, commit. Love will make you do things you never thought you would do. But if you ever have to question what you feel, then it's not love. And if you question someone else's feelings for you, it's not love. hey butterflying, check out my thread "my gf is no longer in love"
Brittanyjean06 Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 You'll know your in love when you don't have to ask about whether your in love or not:)
bunnzy Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 you are 'in love' when you feel more concerned about that persons wellbeing above your own. Which he does - because of his adhering to your decision to be chaste. He probably does not trust himself and the relationship enough to make the commitment of stating he is 'in love'. But i do agree that line about 'i love you but am not in love with you' is total bull.
LexiB Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 "I really don't understand that statement, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I think it's a stupid way of telling someone that you basically, don't love them." hmm, I dunno about that. You can love someone w/o being *in love* with them. To give my cliff's note's version, love for me implies a deep level of caring, where you're willing to do just about any and everything for that person. The tricky thing is that is doesn't neccessarily equal commitment. That's where being in love comes in ~ it's that level of caring and the desire to be with this person for the rest of your life. His admitting that he's not in love w/ her doesn't mean he's planning to run off in the middle of the night. Just means he's not sure if she's "the one" yet. The relationship is still relatively new so it's ok that she's giving him time. HOWEVER kindlovinglovelylady, just don't get into one of those situations where you're together for 10+ years and he's still trying to "figure things out" Good Luck!
Butterflying Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 love for me implies a deep level of caring, where you're willing to do just about any and everything for that person. The tricky thing is that is doesn't neccessarily equal commitment. That's where being in love comes in ~ it's that level of caring and the desire to be with this person for the rest of your life. His admitting that he's not in love w/ her doesn't mean he's planning to run off... Okay, then it would be much less annoying if he would have said, "I love you, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you." And of course, if anyone doesn't want to commit, there is a HUGE chance they might run off, eventually. That's what not committing does; it leaves the door open for escape. Don't get me wrong! I'm not saying that people who commit don't run off, too. But I just don't like the idea of a person using that "not in love with you" bull sh*t as an excuse to keep the other person hopeful. They should say it plain simple. Not in love, means not worth wasting your time hoping they will eventually, "love you."
LexiB Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Okay, then it would be much less annoying if he would have said, "I love you, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you." And of course, if anyone doesn't want to commit, there is a HUGE chance they might run off, eventually. That's what not committing does; it leaves the door open for escape. Don't get me wrong! I'm not saying that people who commit don't run off, too. But I just don't like the idea of a person using that "not in love with you" bull sh*t as an excuse to keep the other person hopeful. They should say it plain simple. Not in love, means not worth wasting your time hoping they will eventually, "love you." I understand what you're saying but they haven't even been dating for 5 months yet. Even though the OP has decided that this guy is it for her, some people need longer than a few months before making such a big decision. Being in love is a powerful thing and it's good that he's being careful not to just throw around the phrase if he doesn't feel it. I had a similar experience w/ a past relationship. We knew each other for a while before we started dating and about a month into it he said he was in love w/ me. At that point I couldn't even bring myself to verbalize the words, " I love you" let alone "I'm in love with you". During that time though, I never doubted that I could fall in love with him nor did I want to see anyone else. I just didn't want to say anything my actions and emotions couldn't back up/that I would have to take back later...and I told him that. Eventually the feelings did come naturally for me b/c our relationship had time to grow. ...of course we broke up in the end, , but that was because HE turned out to be a major jerk (basically he was the one whose actions couldn't match his words :\ ), not because I didn't tell him I loved him at the same time he did. So caution at this stage in the relationship can actually be seen as a good thing ~ he might be looking after her heart as well as his own.
catgirl1927 Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 You'll know your in love when you don't have to ask about whether your in love or not:) I agree with this!
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