Author stillafool Posted June 4, 2006 Author Posted June 4, 2006 Chumps, I'm sorry that you are going throught this and wish you luck. Is this your H's first affair? Or is he a multiple cheater?
RecordProducer Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 Chumps, you actually confirmed my assumptions. You stated that you do trust him partially (want to give him a chance), don't hate him, don't feel that YOUR principals or pride have been stepped on, etc. I just made a list of possible reasons. I also think that some wives don't really care about their husbands so it doesn't matter to them whether they cheated or not; some have boyfriends too; some are scared to leave; some are very much in love with them and hope that things will change; some were raised that marriage is a sacred refuge you don't abandon easily; and some just don't want to abandon a good life style they've had for many years. The question was actually "Why do wives stay with men who CHEAT?" - not who cheated in the past and stopped. Would you stay with your husband if he continued to cheat on you? Well many women do. So what makes them stay?
Chump64 Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 Sorry, I guess I misunderstood the question. I don't know why people stay with known cheaters who won't stop, because continuing that kind of behavior is a deal-breaker for me. I think that's a very good question but I'm sure it's also complex. Here's the only thing I can think of: I suspect if I were a homemaker with no income and limited experience/education (eg limited earning potential), and I was in that situation, I might feel trapped and it would either be nearly impossible for me to leave, or it would take a long time to organize an exit plan that would make leaving an economically viable solution. People tend to sneer at this "comfort" thing or "money" thing. But financial health is a very serious concern. Feeding, clothing, educating and insuring children is nothing to be taken lightly. This is one reason I think it's wise for everyone who enters into a marriage -- male or female -- to have a solid education and a career track going. I tell my kids they have to be 25 years old and have a master's degree under their belt before they can get married. Of course I am joking, as I have no control over their adult lives, but I hope they will take it to heart. Stillafool: This was the only affair he had, to the best of my knowledge at this time.
silktricks Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 The question was actually "Why do wives stay with men who CHEAT?" - not who cheated in the past and stopped. Would you stay with your husband if he continued to cheat on you? Well many women do. So what makes them stay? They may not know (or believe) that he is cheating. They may love so completely that they don't care. They may have a strict religious nature that doesn't believe in divorce. They may believe the children are better off if they stay. They may believe that he will "come around" in the end. They may have become so beat down by life they feel they don't deserve anything better. But as with everyone else, the only answer I can give is speculative. I can answer why I stayed with my husband who cheated. I can not answer why so someone would stay with one who continues to cheat, as I would not. Why was this question posted on the OW/OM forum? The only answers you will get here are, as I said, speculative. Post on the infidelity forum if you want answers from people who may actually know.
Guest Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 I was so entertained by this same question directed to you a few days ago and you went off the handle and were so offended then. But today you wish to answer the exact question and did so very eloquently and to the point. I guess it was not your day then.
Author stillafool Posted June 4, 2006 Author Posted June 4, 2006 Sorry, I guess I misunderstood the question. I don't know why people stay with known cheaters who won't stop, because continuing that kind of behavior is a deal-breaker for me. I think that's a very good question but I'm sure it's also complex. Here's the only thing I can think of: I suspect if I were a homemaker with no income and limited experience/education (eg limited earning potential), and I was in that situation, I might feel trapped and it would either be nearly impossible for me to leave, or it would take a long time to organize an exit plan that would make leaving an economically viable solution. People tend to sneer at this "comfort" thing or "money" thing. But financial health is a very serious concern. Feeding, clothing, educating and insuring children is nothing to be taken lightly. This is one reason I think it's wise for everyone who enters into a marriage -- male or female -- to have a solid education and a career track going. I tell my kids they have to be 25 years old and have a master's degree under their belt before they can get married. Of course I am joking, as I have no control over their adult lives, but I hope they will take it to heart. Stillafool: This was the only affair he had, to the best of my knowledge at this time. If this was his first mistake he deserves to be forgiven in my opinion. It could have happened to anyone once. BTW, the W I am talking about is an attorney. She doesn't practice because she doesn't work and hasn't in 18 years. So education is definitely not her problem.
Author stillafool Posted June 4, 2006 Author Posted June 4, 2006 Oh the other thing is she definitely knows and has caught him time and time again. He says I'm sorry, she's hurt and that's that. I think her self esteem has probably taken such a beating from him.
Author stillafool Posted June 4, 2006 Author Posted June 4, 2006 They may not know (or believe) that he is cheating. Why was this question posted on the OW/OM forum? The only answers you will get here are, as I said, speculative. Post on the infidelity forum if you want answers from people who may actually know. The reason it was posted here is I didn't know any better. When I first came to LS the OW forum was the forum I belonged to so I stayed over here. I actually posed the question to OW but I see everyone reads all the forums whether they apply to them or not.
silktricks Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 I was so entertained by this same question directed to you a few days ago and you went off the handle and were so offended then. But today you wish to answer the exact question and did so very eloquently and to the point. I guess it was not your day then. I'm assuming this is addressed to me, but as I haven't posted here in quite sometime, I'm also confused by your statement. Would you care to elaborate? (Preferably with a sign-in so that I know who I'm talking to.)
onceacheat Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 Because the wife is weak and pitiful. All women have a very weak and ugly side which is shown in this circumstance as well as the one where they are the OW. Why does the husband cheat? Cause he knows he can get away with it and/or his wife will forgive him and give him more chances. Simple as that. As long as your hubby realizes you will tolerate poor choices, he will continue them again eventually and figure the same acceptance and forgiveness will occur. If the affair was well planned out and over the span of 5 years, I wouldn't expect a miracle. You just need to learn how to accept his cheating if you want to stay with him. And many women will because they are too weak to deal with the consequences. They would rather even be oblivious to the fact. And The cycle continues. I REMEMBER reading ONE POST ON HERE WAY BACK where supposedly the affair was over about 2 years prior, yet a matron at the restaurant called the wife by the mistresses' name. Of course the wife still can't face it that her hubby is still cheating/lying again. I wish people would wake up! How man red flags do you need? It's easier to live in fantasy land trusting your hubby, i know that, i've been there, but eventually you have to come back down to earth and face the light of day.
Blind Illusion Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Here's something else I wanted to throw out regarding why people stay with a cheater/abuser..whatever the crime might be. I think that sometimes women tend to take it as a personal failure when a marriage is bad or dissolved. Every so often, I read on the Infidelity forum about how the wayward spouse humiliated them with their behavior and I cringe. Somehow or another, life has gotten as such where the neutral party is feeling ridiculed and not the one doing the actions. One should not feel humiliated by the actions of another....it isn't any reflection of them at all. I don't think this scenario is any of the LoveShack stories I have read per se...just another possible scenario of why people stay in bad relationships.
RecordProducer Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 You have a good point, probably very truthful, Blind Illusion. Others suggested other possible reasons too. I think most of them also think: "She wants me to throw him out so she can have him... Well I won't!" Let's base on the stories we've read on LS. The BS' story: the BS loves her spouse, feels like they've had a good marriage all those years, have children, and the husband has been a good father. They don't feel like divorcing, they don't want to go through the pain and put the kids in the middle too so they forgive. They also don't want to let their families down. So they choose between two evils: to suffer because of his infidelity or turn their (and their children's) lives totally upside down and struggle in every aspect of life. They just don't feel like dropping everything just because their husbands loved other women for a while. They would rather give them a chance. They even see it as a challenging life task, promising themselves that if he lets them down - he is out. Moreover, after the wife discovers the infidelity, she gets to be the boss (maybe for the first time in their marriage) and set her own rules that he needs to obey. The husband starts paying a lot of attention to her, compliments her, shows affection, hangs out with her, becomes a better father, lover, and person. They can't resist it. Many BS' have stated that their marriages have become "better than ever" after the affair. What we don't know is why they stay with a serial cheater. I think the OW's story explains that too: Almost all OW have described the marriages of their MM in a similar way; they have nice and big houses, lots of savings, 2 or 3 children, the wife doesn't work and it would be hard for her to find a job if she suddenly stayed on her own. They claim that the wives are totally clueless of the affairs, although their husbands get their asses home at 4 am every night, talk to them long hours on the phone and in messenger programs. This is actually why the OW fall for their MM - if they'd spend one hour every other day with them, the OW would never take the affair seriously. Back to the wives... no man, be it a president of a multinational corporation, a truck driver, actor or lawyer, goes out every night and comes home in the middle of the night without cheating. So those wives must know, but they pretend to be deaf and blind. They don't want to know. We've read many stories about wives not being interested in sex with their husbands so they probably expected from them to look for it elsewhere anyway. And finally, who says that the BS is not a cheater and the OW to someone else at the same time? Of course, most men hide their affairs very well so we can't ask ourselves why their wives stay with them as they are really oblivious.
Chump64 Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 One should not feel humiliated by the actions of another....it isn't any reflection of them at all. I am glad you see it that way, BI. I agree with you. I am hurt, sickened, grief stricken, etc., but I am not humiliated. I did not cross that line, my husband did. But I seriously doubt that most people at LS feel that way. If that were the case, why would there be threads upon threads -- and posts upon posts -- about this topic in which the betrayed wife is (figuratively) beaten to a pulp by posters? I mean, just look at the post right before yours. That person says the betrayed wife is "weak," "pitiful" and has an "ugly side." Because she is a victim? This makes no sense. The "blame the victim" mentality is a very, very common type of thinking here at LS.
memphissouthernbelle Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Ok. I live in Memphis, TN. It is 7:00 am here. My MM just left after a night with me. We get off of work at 2 am on Sunday nights and his wife knows this. I know her so I know that she knows this. I think she just stays because she is too lazy to go out and put some makeup on and snag someone else to support her. She NEVER has said anything about J staying out late with me. I know this is just my situation but I am sure some of you out there probably have had the same sort of thing going on. I mean, how could they NOT know? Even people J and I don't know very well figure out in about 20 seconds what is going on between us. I think that a lot of wives just don't care and really don't want to catch their husbands and try to avoid it at all costs.
zarathustra Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 One should not feel humiliated by the actions of another....it isn't any reflection of them at all. I am glad you see it that way, BI. I agree with you. I am hurt, sickened, grief stricken, etc., but I am not humiliated. I did not cross that line, my husband did. But I seriously doubt that most people at LS feel that way. If that were the case, why would there be threads upon threads -- and posts upon posts -- about this topic in which the betrayed wife is (figuratively) beaten to a pulp by posters? I mean, just look at the post right before yours. That person says the betrayed wife is "weak," "pitiful" and has an "ugly side." Because she is a victim? This makes no sense. The "blame the victim" mentality is a very, very common type of thinking here at LS. Chump, that person who said that doesn't belong here and that opinion is just shows a person who lack empathy and compassion. In my opinion (yes, I've been cheated on, but not as a wife but I had a cheating BF), I think that as long as you have the hope that a man will change his ways and that you have hope and faith in him, you will stay. When my xBF cheated on me, I didn't have the faith in him to believe that he won't do it again. Few years later, he found a new GF and was trying to get it on with me again. I told him to f-off.
MrsHellFire Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 I don't think the original poster wants to hear compassion laced with sugar on top, they want to hear the facts. it's about discerning fact from fiction. How do you know when someone does "not belong here"?? A lot of the posters sound like they've been through hell and it shows. And what would you call someone who is too afraid to leave their husband because they don't want to be alone or can't support themselves. I certainly wouldn't call that strength. And everyone has different reasons for staying or leaving, so that's not geared towards anyone personally. but the many people i've known who took physical abuse after abuse stayed cause they have never been alone, they were scared. even knowing friends who have been abused by step-parents and the mother did nothing. what kind of person is that? a weak one. her fear comes before everything else including the love for her child and it makes me sick to my stomach the things my long time friends had to endure. If my husband did cheat on me, I would be humiliated. How would it make me look when a man thinks I'm not good enough for him? That is exactly how I would feel, whether right or wrong. I might probably get over that and confess eventually, but maybe not. My family would always think of him as a complete dog. And I'm still unsure of the truth or not of my husband cheating in the past. And I really do not know what I would do. Although I find it revolting, there is a possibility I would give him a second chance. And that is because I'm not really in a good state of well-being to take care of myself right now. And of course I love him, but I would always know that he doesn't love me as much, so that might not even be a factor for me. I guess the best medicine for me would be to become more independent and seek revenge ie of seeing other men. although, nothing is for certain. the pain it would cause would be so unbearable as i have already felt some of the pain even thinking that it might be the truth. if i ever one day wake up and find out that hes did that to me, i care for him so deeply, i honestly dont know if i would make it through to the next day. id just want to end it all.
zarathustra Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 I don't think the original poster wants to hear compassion laced with sugar on top, they want to hear the facts. it's about discerning fact from fiction. How do you know when someone does "not belong here"?? A lot of the posters sound like they've been through hell and it shows. You should read the post by the moderator as for the guidelines for posting. The person (Once a cheat) I was refering to, said, "Because the wife is weak and pitiful" for staying in a relationship. I don't think that this is in any way supportive of the OP's question or is it conductive to any BSs or OWs in terms of support. Most of us don't think of the W as weak, at least not in my point of view. And what would you call someone who is too afraid to leave their husband because they don't want to be alone or can't support themselves. I certainly wouldn't call that strength. And everyone has different reasons for staying or leaving, so that's not geared towards anyone personally. I wouldn't call it weak, I would call a wife who stayed because of this kind of situation vulnerable. I wouldn't call her pitiful either. The poster did not say some women stay for the reasons above, but did generalize. So if you are a BS, you fall under that category too under his/her books.
Author stillafool Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 Well MrsHellFire I sure hope it doesn't happen to you either because I wouldn't want you to end it all. We are stronger than we know. Like I said the woman I'm talking about is an attorney so education and employment is probably not her problem. Although she did become an attorney just before they had their first child and she only worked like 6 mos. before she quit. That was 18 yrs ago and she never had to work again but she could support herself if she needed to. The other thing is after 23 yrs of marriage she would get the house, alimony, child support and everything else because like I said he makes a ton of money. So it definitely is not a financial thing from what I see. I was wondering also if perhaps his cheating keeps her constantly wanting him the way she did when they were dating. He was a major dog and some women want to conquer the "bad boy". Maybe with him cheating all the time it keeps her in that mode. I don't know just a thought. I think like MrsHellFire said it could be she's afraid of being alone or know this W's personality it's probably what Record Producer said "Why should I throw him out so she can have him"?
MrsHellFire Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 So if you are a BS, you fall under that category too under his/her books. yes i would and there is some truth to that. exactly stillafool, there are also women who see it as a competition. i honestly dont know what i would do.
Chump64 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Here’s what strikes me as odd, about asking this question in this forum. You are asking OW why they think the BW stays. The posters here (OW) will post their impression of why the BW stays, based on what her MM has told her about the situation. Yet many complain that their MM lie to them. So asking this question – and sharing answers that were given to the OW by known liars – seems defeating.
Chump64 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 The discussion about "weak" and "pitiful" is interesting. Some people think that a wife who is willing to work through every thing and consider forgiveness = brave. Of course, this only applies if the wandering husband is working on the situation 100 percent, as well (at least in my opinion). Why is it "weak" if a woman can't support herself financially? Does that mean every woman who wants to be a stay-at-home mom should get a degree and work full time outside the home just in case her husband bails on her, even if her heart's desire is really to be at home with her kids? That's a stupid reason to have a career. Being stuck in a situation due to finances is unfortunate, and maybe it's bad planning. But to call it "weak" across the board is unfair and rigid. Many women who can't support themselves are in situations where they thought their husbands had their backs, and that they were working together as a team, regardless of who brought home the paycheck. Heck, I'm sure there are husbands who even preferred or encouraged their wives to SAH, and then who later had affairs and felt saddled by the money-dependent wife.
RealityCheck Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 The discussion about "weak" and "pitiful" is interesting. Some people think that a wife who is willing to work through every thing and consider forgiveness = brave. Of course, this only applies if the wandering husband is working on the situation 100 percent, as well (at least in my opinion). Why is it "weak" if a woman can't support herself financially? Does that mean every woman who wants to be a stay-at-home mom should get a degree and work full time outside the home just in case her husband bails on her, even if her heart's desire is really to be at home with her kids? That's a stupid reason to have a career. Being stuck in a situation due to finances is unfortunate, and maybe it's bad planning. But to call it "weak" across the board is unfair and rigid. Many women who can't support themselves are in situations where they thought their husbands had their backs, and that they were working together as a team, regardless of who brought home the paycheck. Heck, I'm sure there are husbands who even preferred or encouraged their wives to SAH, and then who later had affairs and felt saddled by the money-dependent wife. I don't believe it is "weak" as much as I feel it is for one of the wrong reasons to stay in a marriage. Fear based yes, weak no. I realize eveyone has their own level of tolerance to stay in a "loveless" marriage, but heck, insecurity definately plays a role in staying for financial reasons. No matter how it it twisted, wrapped, stringed, bolted or screwed the reason is "FEAR" based. No one needs a degree to live a live of fulfillment, because bottom line is fulfillment and peace within cannot be bought.
RecordProducer Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Staying married is one thing, staying in love is another. You can choose to not divorce, because you can't be on your own for whatever reasons, but you can't choose to forgive and go on with your relationship (make love to your spouse, smile, kiss him with joy when he returns from work, prepare meals that he loves with the same enthusiasm or whatever wives do). Most BS stated that their marriage became even better after the affair so they DID get past the affair to a certain degree if they could relax and love their husbands again. So it's simply not a matter of dependency. Maybe if they were financially well established, they would leave right away - but they would come back after a while. If it's any type of dependence, then it's emotional, rather than financial. Regarding strength, in any case it takes strength to beat the weakness, regardless of whether to choose to stay or leave. It takes a lot of stamina to forgive and stay or to pack your bags and start a new life. I don't judge the women who stay. After all, why would they have to change everything in their lives just because someone chose to stick it in another woman's vagina?
silktricks Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 I don't believe it is "weak" as much as I feel it is for one of the wrong reasons to stay in a marriage. Fear based yes, weak no. I realize eveyone has their own level of tolerance to stay in a "loveless" marriage, but heck, insecurity definately plays a role in staying for financial reasons. I agree that it is a wrong reason to stay in a marriage, if that is the reason. The problem is that many OW figure that MUST be the reason a wife stays, as they can't figure out any other reason - OR because the MM says that is the reason. This is the SAME MM that the OW complains about lying about everything, but this they choose to believe. I know for a fact (because he told me) that my H told the OW that financial reasons was his reason for staying, yet the reality is that neither of us has a financial need to stay with the other. It was just a lie. So my point is that what has been said to the OW about the reason may not be.
Chump64 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Here’s another thought to chew on. If a woman is married with kids and her husband is having an affair, and divorce is tossed around but the wife balks, it could be due to custody issues. In many cases, the man will say, “I don’t want to pay custody, so I will take the kids for 50 percent of the time.” So a wife may be stuck between staying with a straying husband and seeing her own kids 100 percent of the time, or giving up her marriage and giving up her kids 50 percent of the time. You can argue all you want that a bad marriage is a bad thing for kids to live with, but the drive to keep your own kids 100 percent of the time may easily override that. In my case, I would have no problem splitting custody, if that’s what it comes to. I think I could live with a few nights of solitude each week.
Recommended Posts