dgiirl Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 A lot of my friends have told me I was in an abusive relationship. I'm not really sure. He never physically abused me, and there were moments where he treated me nice, but there were other moments where it was emotional abuse. I'm sure I had my own part in the abuse too. I'm having a hard time getting over my past relationship, and i think a lot of it has to do with guilt, and for some reason an urge to know he loved me. I keep wanting his approval and validation and cannot seem to give it to myself. I never ever thought I would do this. I always thought I was strong and independent and I would never put up with abuse. The thing is, I didnt realize it WAS abuse. The neglect was slow over time so it was really hard to notice. Plus everyone has their own opinion and there's always one person who gives the benefit of the doubt and says you are overreacting, so you're constantly doubting yourself. I would give anything to have a guy who actually appreciates what I do, who I am, and wants to spend time with me. Unfortunately, the ones who do, come on too strong in the beginning, and I freak out and run away. I'm not use to the affection so it increases my anxiety. But I would give anything to get rid of this anxiety and to become comfortable around such men. The sad thing is, I thought i had it. I really didnt.
Fun2BMe Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 I've had a lot of good opportunities pass me by. When I was younger, I took all the nice guys for granted and here I am in my late 30s wishing I could turn back the clock. My youth was wasted on a-holes.
alphamale Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 I've had a lot of good opportunities pass me by. When I was younger, I took all the nice guys for granted and here I am in my late 30s wishing I could turn back the clock. My youth was wasted on a-holes. we've all had this happen F2Bm....I passed up on some great chicks in my 20's cause I was too busy partying. It was mainly cause they wantted to get married and have kids.....I was like "f*** that! get me another beer"...
Pyro Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Anyone of any gender who puts up with abuse at the hands (or mouth) of another has some self-esteem problems or is co-dependent. They either think they're not worthy of better treatment or they HAVE to fix it. Could not of said it any better myself. I believe that anyone who stays in any sort of abusive relationship depends on the attention that they are getting from the other and absolutely can not live with out it. Woman do not enjoy the being treated like garbage, they have just become dependent on it.
Mistaken Identity Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 My mom was in a dysfunctional relationship, as was my sister, both my brothers, and myself. My mom and I are the only ones who are divorced. The rest of them are still married. And I'm considered the failure! In fact, my brother told me there must have been something I could have done to save my marriage. Mind you, I was married to a man who was in love with our neighbor, went to jail for breaking and entering, kicked me hard in the back, told me he didn't love me and never would, etc. Fast forward to Husband Number Two who treated me great for awhile. So when he turned into an a-hole, I focused on the good times. After all, there were a lot of women who had it worse than I did. And even now that I've filed for divorce because my marriage is intolerable, I feel like a loser. Because, in my family, dysfunctional relationships are normal.
nicki Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Mistaken Identity, you are a winner! You left the jerk. You will learn to recognize the pattern you are in with men...hey, you already have if you filed for divorce. Next time, you will see it faster. Even before you get serious with someone. Trust me on that. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You grew up seeing dysfunctional relationships that you mistook for love...it's all you had to work with. Now you know better. You have experience with losers. You will have to understand that nice guys will feel boring compared to the drama of an abuser...and nice is what you want, what you deserve. In answer to the poster's question about why women stay in abusive relationships, it's about women who are unhealthy emotionally. They are simply not yet attracted to nice guys...even though that's what they think they want. They are caught in a dynamic with bad men. These women don't have proper boundaries.(I know I had to work very hard to understand this idea.) It's not a question of masculinity. Nice guys can be masculine, and not be abusive. Women need to immediately leave men who show abusive tendencies. We all date jerks once in a while. What we as women need to watch is how quickly we leave a bad situation. Until a woman does the necessary work to heal past abuse, she will continue to pick abusers. Nice guys won't be on their radar. Don't take it personally guys. It's just that you are too healthy and normal. That's a good thing.
Woggle Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 It is the difference between a little girl and a woman. There are women in their 20s and little girls in their 30s and 40s. Some women are just addicted to drama and pain. It's like sniffing cocaine and shooting heroin. You know it's bad for you but you keep doing it anyway. Men should not even try with these type of women because they are nothing but drama. Just hold out longer for a nice and normal woman.
alphamale Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Some women are just addicted to drama and pain. It's like sniffing cocaine and shooting heroin. You know it's bad for you but you keep doing it anyway. I would say most women fit this category. Women love excitement. There is positive excitement and negative excitement. Females are better suited mentally and emotionally to deal with both types. This is because they have to know how to deal with raising kids. Offspring bring both good and bad into ones' life.
Ecoastgirl Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Some are not attracted to abuse. I was not. 2 years ago I would have scoffed at the idea of any kind of abuse, either mental or physical. I am still dealing with an abusive situation. He came into my life during a hard time for me. He was kind, fun, showered me with attention. Im not one to crave attention, but it is nice to get every once in awhile. I fell for him and then he started the manipulation. Sometimes Abuse happens slowly and subtly. In my case it took me a year and half to realize how much he changed me. If he would have been like this from the start I would have had nothing to do with him. And now, even knowing how things are and finally seeing the light I STILL want to see the good in him. Why? Becuase I think more of others then myself. Becuase I am bighearted and try to see the good in all people. Because I am the perfect target for someone like that. Do I want to be?? absolutely not Am I trying to fix it? yes... but with any kind of abuse it takes time to heal and to break off ties You will never know what its like to be in this type of situation until you are... It is easy to sit back and say "well i would never ever let that happen to me" and you know what?? maybe it WILL never happen to you... But I'm sitting here, one of those people that USED to say that.. shaking my head wondering how in the hell I got myself into this postion and thinking im crazy becuase I havent totally broken ties. Im not attracted to him becuase of his masculinity... I am attracted to how he USED to be.. the man that sucked me in, in my time of need.. I am not a drama queen, and im not young and stupid. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person.
kitten chick Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Very well said Ecoastgirl. Many abusive situations do not start out that way. You don't see it until your waist deep into the relationship and it is a struggle to get out. I tried to break up with my ex 3 times before it stuck. I never thought I would be in an abusive situation. I was such a strong person before I went through it and everyone I know was floored when they found out because I don't put up with anyone's crap. Women aren't attracted to abuse, when it comes to dating many times ending up with an abusive man is pot luck. It's not like they wear a sign around their necks saying that they're abusive.
alphamale Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Women aren't attracted to abuse, when it comes to dating many times ending up with an abusive man is pot luck. It's not like they wear a sign around their necks saying that they're abusive. Every year in the U.S. approximately 250,000 men are physically assaulted or physically abused by their wives, girlfriends or ex-lovers....
kitten chick Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Every year in the U.S. approximately 250,000 men are physically assaulted or physically abused by their wives, girlfriends or ex-lovers.... thank you for those excellent statistics alpha, unfortunately I was already aware of this. The OP, however, was asking about why women stay with abusive men. Would you like to start your own thread asking about abusive women and their behavior with their men because I would be happy to comment on that as well.
alphamale Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Would you like to start your own thread asking about abusive women and their behavior with their men because I would be happy to comment on that as well. No I wouldn't.....just wanted to point out that both sexes get abused.
kitten chick Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 No I wouldn't.....just wanted to point out that both sexes get abused. Interesting that you waited until the 35th post on this thread to point it out.
blind_otter Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Every year in the U.S. approximately 250,000 men are physically assaulted or physically abused by their wives, girlfriends or ex-lovers.... I tend to wonder how many of those situations are mutually abusive relationships. My new thing. Been doing research.
alphamale Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 My new thing. Been doing research. so b-o, are you like lurking in the background doing fact-checking and statistical analysis of everyone's posts?
ms_jnj Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 It's funny... sometimes I'll meet women who are totallly into me because their first impression tells them I'm this silent, bad boy type. Only reason I'm silent is because I've nothing to say. As soon as they find out I've got my s*** together and am into other things (like reading and such), they shy away. It pays to lie sometimes, especially in Los Angeles. Too bad I'm so attached to ethics, but at least I can live in peace -- at the expense of a (supposedly) good lay with a drama queen. I don't need a stalker relationship. Sleep is too important. You seem like my kinda guy...s*** together, reading, ethics... Why do all the good ones seem to live in California?
blind_otter Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 so b-o, are you like lurking in the background doing fact-checking and statistical analysis of everyone's posts? yes. I couldn't stay away from you, ALPHA. You are my "soul mate"
Ecoastgirl Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 I will share with you something I posted on another forum: A Letter to someone who will never read it -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is a reason you are alone. There is a reason you haven’t had anyone in your life for any length of time and I know that your ok with that. I see fleeting moments of the wonderful person I would like you to be. I think about a magical 6 months where I was the best thing in your life and you proved it to me daily. You found me at my lowest and most insecure. You showered me with attention and put me on a pedestal. You made me feel like I was important and beautiful and interesting. You were in constant contact day and night. I let my guard down with you and you dug your way into my soul. Then the manipulation started but by then I was hooked. I didn’t even realize that it was happening until it was too late, until my whole being was changed. You became a drug, complete with the highs and lows. You knew what you were doing, you knew what you had in front of you and you took advantage. I am shell of what I once was. I am no longer the confident, pretty, head strong person I used to be. I am now a person afraid to say what I think, afraid to do anything wrong. You have before you a person who would have done anything for you, a person who thought more of you then herself. A person that was the perfect target for the narcissist you turned out to be. I no longer dream, I no longer look around me and see beauty. I no longer enjoy the things I used to, as there is no flavor in life. I feel betrayed and used. I look back and see how things progressed in the last year and a half and each time I try to break free you pull me back in. You pour on the charm and make me realize why I loved you in the first place. You give me hope that it is all ok again. You still say that I am beautiful and that I mean a lot to you but then you slap me down again, once I am drawn back in. It all crashes back in because all you are is cruel and hurtful, impatient and demanding. I want to become the person I used to be. I want to have no fear in life. I want to go for a drive and enjoy the scenery or a song on the radio. I want to pick up my brushes again and paint. I know that there is a part of me that you killed that I can never get back. I know that I will never be the trusting person I was before. I know that with the next person (if I have the strength to put myself out there again) I will be afraid to talk about anything that bothers me. I will cringe and shrink back at any outburst, however innocent. I will fear that someone else will have found me and will use me in the way you did. The only way I can start to heal is to pull myself away completely. I just hope that I can find the strength to do that.
kitten chick Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 ^ Wow, I feel like I could have written that right down to the paint brushes. If it's any consolation Ecoastgirl, my recovery has been slow and it's not going well but it is going and I'm getting there. It's a day to day fight to get back to the person that I used to be before I met him. I know how much strength it takes to break free from this situation and even if life does get hard for a while it's still better than being with this kind of person. I remember being at a concert in the beginning of the year and for a quick few seconds I remembered how much I loved music. I feel dead inside less and less as time passes and I'm starting to remember all of the things that I enjoyed, not all but it's a start. I still haven't gotten back to painting but I will again one day.
Noos Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Women stay in bad relationships because it's a bit like the saying "I don't want to be in any club that would have me as a member". We are suspicious of people who treat us well because we think that they must be beneath us to actually like us. We feel unworthy of better treatment, single women are made to feel worthless unless they have man in their life and therefore are too scared to be alone or they don't have the financial resources to be independent.
flowergirl Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I like this thread, Vertex, really good topic. Anyway, I know for my part I've had a pattern of being attracted to bad boys and abusive men because I have really low self-esteem due to emotional abuse by my mother, and I swallowed up any kind of attention I could get, good or bad. These guys poured on the charm and I was so needy I took the bait. The fallout from this in my current relationship is like Chernobyl, toxic remains which are hard to get out of my system. Thank God my boyfriend is patient.
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