exMM jealous of exOW new relationship but he was never going to leave W!

[StoneyHeart]

Scenario: OW declares going back to being just friends. exMM says no problem, we can be just friends. Then weeks later asks about OW dating and she admits it, exMM is hurt but still won't leave W. Why? Is it because it is impossible to be just friends? And twist- what if OW only admitted it to make exMM jealous and get off the pot and leave W? Has this ever worked? Just trying to get a handle on why I held out so much hope.

[stillhere]

This is how my relationship goes. I work with my MM. I walked into work on wednesday, in a good mood. First minute i'm in the room with my MM, i can tell he's pissed off. Takes another 5 minutes to realize he's pissed at me. All day he won't talk to me or answer my calls. I spend all day crying because i think he's going to tell me it's over, and to be honest, i'm not ready for that. Not even 12 hours earlier we had spent about 5 hours together, and it seemed that i was actually starting to "win" in our situation. Then when he started acting like this toward me, i thought that the night before he was going to tell me it was over, but didn't know how to do it. Then i got physically sick.

To make a long story short, we finally talked and it was about another guy!!!!! He thought i was messing around with another guy at work. It wasn't true. He mentioned the time i told him that he has someone to go home to every night and i go to bed by myself and cry myself to sleep because i don't have him there with me. He thought i was looking to fulfill that loneliness with someone from work. This other guy happens to be married also.

He got over it, and he's still with his wife. I hope he leaves, but jealousy i don't think is going to be the key. I told him that if i wanted, i could go out and find someone, at this very moment, to fullfill that loneliness, but we both know i won't. He has the best of both worlds. I should go NC, but i can't, i don't want to. It would be the smart thing to do, but i can't imagine him not being in my life.

[beachrosie]

Scenario: OW declares going back to being just friends. exMM says no problem, we can be just friends. Then weeks later asks about OW dating and she admits it, exMM is hurt but still won't leave W. Why? Is it because it is impossible to be just friends? And twist- what if OW only admitted it to make exMM jealous and get off the pot and leave W? Has this ever worked? Just trying to get a handle on why I held out so much hope.

 

Yes, I definitely am familiar with this situation. I started to date an other person at his suggestion, and as soon as he saw I was going on my third date...the MM was becoming physically ill...throwing up! It was soon after that he seperated from his wife, but I ended it recently when other family members were getting harmed by this situation. I don't know if he is throwing up anymore, and I am trying not to care. I haven't talked to him.

 

Although, I am deeply wounded for ever being in this dumb relationship. I got sucked right in because of my "bleeding" heart and wanting to protect and take care of him. It's all terrible because in reality I wasn't taking care of myself by being in this. I wanted to go an exercise at daybreak today, and I didn't even wake up until 10:00 AM. All of this is very bad for me.

 

As for the other really nice, available, good looking, fit, well rounded, successful guy - he is traveling right now in Europe. I dumped him because of "Mr. MM" stomach problems. I feel like a complete idiot and should have listened to the warnings on here. I was so sure he was going to do the right thing by me...and I was wrong. People (his Mom) even thought so...but he did not. He hurt so many people as did I and the pain is going to stop now!

[StoneyHeart]

I too think back about some of the people i did date and it didn't work because I was just doing out of loneliness at night and regret choosing MM over a couple of them. But then again the A is about fantasy and feelings that all others that stack up on paper as being better (ie, #1 not attached) just don't match that. So we go on hoping. This is a great outlet though, I am so glad I found this site!

[Graydaughter]

StoneyHeart, it doesn't work! My MM encouraged me to date and then when I told him I was, he told me he didn't want me to be with anyone else. He became upset and now he doesn't even want to talk about my dating other men anymore. He knows I am trying to date someone else, but he also knows that I can't have feelings for anyone else until I move on from him. He has not shown any desire to leave his W no matter what I say or do. I have not been able to do NC but for 3 days and then I normally give in. He also said he just wanted us to return to friends, if I couldn't and didn't want to be the OW, but that changes into something more each and every time. The best thing I can do is go NC and stay there. I need to give up hope, because jealousy is not the answer!

 

I hope this helps with your situation! Every A is somewhat different, but it seems from reading the threads they all have similar responses to situations.

[Walking away]

I went out New Year's Eve with another man. My MM knew it. He texted me at midnight. E-mailed me all night long. Said it was the worst night of his life. But, guess what? He's still home with her. And, I am going out with other men. Why not? I CAN. And, I will survive this horrific ordeal.

[Walking away]

And, I am dating for ME. And only ME. I deserve it. And, life is too short to sit around and wait for something that won't ever happen.

[StoneyHeart]

that is AWESOME. So does everyone here manage to tell or not tell new BFs about MM?

[Walking away]

The men I date know that I was involved with someone recently. I am extremely honest, so I have told these men that I was involved with a MM. NOT ONE has ever judged me for it. In fact, they tell me this: His loss....my gain.

 

The RIGHT men won't judge you for your past experiences....just see that you are who you are now BECAUSE of them.

 

Hugs

WA

[pricillia]

Scenario: OW declares going back to being just friends. exMM says no problem, we can be just friends. Then weeks later asks about OW dating and she admits it, exMM is hurt but still won't leave W. Why? Is it because it is impossible to be just friends? And twist- what if OW only admitted it to make exMM jealous and get off the pot and leave W? Has this ever worked? Just trying to get a handle on why I held out so much hope.

 

 

stony heart,

same situation is happening to me, but I ask do we really want our MM

to leave other woman, won't they do the same thing to us? can you really trust him at all, or are we fooling ourselves. After two months of not being with him I went out on a date and my MM heard amout it and he has been up to his same old tricks. I have no hope of him leaving his wife and kids, come on. He keeps on asking me if I like this guy and if I was with him and he tells me that he is not ready to give this up, he insisted that I promise that I would not be intimate with him, I refused and remined him that he has someone at home and i do not.

 

You have to think what whould have happened if there was no one else, would he be doing this at all. I think that it is a challenge to the MM to see if they can gain the control back as we are for the most part a peice of property that they can use when they want and put back on the shelf when they are done. Or like a child not wanting to share his toy with another. Why would the he leave his W he has it good right now, as long as you go along with what he wants then he has it real good.

 

you are holding out hope because of the connection that you have with him, I know I am feeling it too right now but maybe you need to go out on a date with someone interesting(single of course) you may find that he is someone that you will have a connection with as well.

[StoneyHeart]

problem is is when the "real" date or "real" relationship (rebound or whatever) ends up not being all that it promised to be (well, duh, looking back) but rather than the normal reaction to the breakup (as in a reaction before MM ever existed), the reaction is to go running back to MM. THere is some good feeling of revenge in running back to MM though- if they can put us on a shelf and take us down when we want to play, why not let them be the default relationship too??? I know that is a really bad way to ever get to be in a healthy relationship....but it felt good a little to make him play on my terms. I hate myself for thinking like this. But good to get it out.

[StoneyHeart]

and of course, it wasn't really on my terms, my fantasy terms would have been it making him give me himself for real....but that probably wouldn't work in reality- you are right.

[pricillia]

problem is is when the "real" date or "real" relationship (rebound or whatever) ends up not being all that it promised to be (well, duh, looking back) but rather than the normal reaction to the breakup (as in a reaction before MM ever existed), the reaction is to go running back to MM. THere is some good feeling of revenge in running back to MM though- if they can put us on a shelf and take us down when we want to play, why not let them be the default relationship too??? I know that is a really bad way to ever get to be in a healthy relationship....but it felt good a little to make him play on my terms. I hate myself for thinking like this. But good to get it out.

 

I understand your way of thinking but that is like us thinking like the MM

I know for a while I have said to myself if he can why can't I...

He then said to me if I am with him then it is over!!!, Well guess what it is over, how can he ask me not to be with anyone else while he is with his wife right... The other day he told be that he has never done anything like this before and that he really cares for me and that he thinks about me all the time, used this approach because the other things he was trying were not working.

 

I have to keep telling myself to use my 2% rule with him, I only believe 2% of what he says. I just went to say hi to the really nice man I went on a date with and oh he looks so cute today, looked really happy to see me. and it was nice to see the smile on his face when I walked into the room.

 

Then you know thoughts of the MM cloud your head and you kind of have to slap yourself and think that he is not yours will never be and to get on with having a relationship with someone that will be there for you.

 

are you still seeing him?

[SoleMate]

..exMM jealous!...

 

Good, I hope he suffers and the exOW learns to enjoy a man who is available for a 1:1 r/s with no lies, sneaking, or selfishness required.

 

You use an exclamation point...as if there is some surprise...but there really shouldn't be. Most MM guard the OW jealously and use their great manipulation skills to wall her off from the possibility of escaping with another, available man. It's all about the MM, and he'd much rather have the OW pining and lonely for him...plus staying "faithful" to him. Duh.

[Jessie61]

that is AWESOME. So does everyone here manage to tell or not tell new BFs about MM?

 

Stoney Heart,

 

I would never tell a future BF about MM. Why? Because I would be mortified. Nobody knows and I don't want anyone to know.

[pricillia]

that is AWESOME. So does everyone here manage to tell or not tell new BFs about MM?

 

stony heart

 

for me I work with him and he heard me telling a co-worker/friend at work

about the date

[StoneyHeart]

 

are you still seeing him?

 

well, here goes my true screwed up story- fell for one MM (worshipped him) and he died two years ago (and I'm not over it despite valiant attempts). Then 6 mos ago, start email relationship with business associate (clicked just like b4, but this time I have no excuse for not knowing better). I love 2nd MM for connection over email and everyone else i have dated has SUCKED. He loves me probably more than 1st MM ever did, but still wants to just have his cake and eat it too. And, yes, I have gone no contact 7 or 8 times in 5-6 months but really warped is I love both him (very different from 1st MM) and the connection to the grave of 1st MM. 2nd MM is one who is jealous when I go on dates even if we are just friends (which we can say all we want but it isn't true). But even he won't admit to being more than best friends since the 1st month when I went no contact after 1 week because I know better. And all the rational thinking inthe world doesn't stop my version of "drunk dialing"- sending that email after I get change my mind for thousandth time. :( I may be worse at this than anyone I have ever heard of! At least somehow it is "just friends" that love each other........I have to go no contact and be strong, but I after everything I know.....still have hope and think if I hit block sender I'll miss the one note that says "I left her"...

[StoneyHeart]

how can he ask me not to be with anyone else while he is with his wife right... quote]

 

this still shocks me at how this is rational to MM!!! i guess it is good to know that he isn't only one that thinks this double standard is rational.

[StoneyHeart]

You use an exclamation point...as if there is some surprise...quote]

 

believe it or not there is some surprise- i am smarter than this but keep believing...hoping....eternally optomistic....that someone will choose me one day....

[Walking away]

Men have been known to literally move mountains to be with the one that they love. Do you really believe that your MM will not seek you out and find you if he wants you badly enough? If there is a will, there is a way. Let him miss you.

 

I think NC is the only way. Difficult? Incredibly. But necessary? I think so.

 

I read this on LS awhile ago, and I believe it to be true:

 

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results....

 

We are here for you. And, I am so sorry for your loss...

 

WA

[pricillia]

well, here goes my true screwed up story- fell for one MM (worshipped him) and he died two years ago (and I'm not over it despite valiant attempts). Then 6 mos ago, start email relationship with business associate (clicked just like b4, but this time I have no excuse for not knowing better). I love 2nd MM for connection over email and everyone else i have dated has SUCKED. He loves me probably more than 1st MM ever did, but still wants to just have his cake and eat it too. And, yes, I have gone no contact 7 or 8 times in 5-6 months but really warped is I love both him (very different from 1st MM) and the connection to the grave of 1st MM. 2nd MM is one who is jealous when I go on dates even if we are just friends (which we can say all we want but it isn't true). But even he won't admit to being more than best friends since the 1st month when I went no contact after 1 week because I know better. And all the rational thinking inthe world doesn't stop my version of "drunk dialing"- sending that email after I get change my mind for thousandth time. :( I may be worse at this than anyone I have ever heard of! At least somehow it is "just friends" that love each other........I have to go no contact and be strong, but I after everything I know.....still have hope and think if I hit block sender I'll miss the one note that says "I left her"...

 

to clarifybefore I thought you were talking about telling the MM about a new BF but you were talking the other way around, No I would never tell either. I don't think that your are the worst you got involved with someone that makes you feel alive, I am sure that there is passion and chemistry and all those other feelings that you can not explain with him.

 

MY ex MM who this past thursday managed to have me agree to being alone with him for a few moments, just kissed is all... states that he cares for me soooo much but has not bothered to contact me after the workday is through or call me on the weekends. I never attempt to call him at all. We started to become friends and I liked it that way much better, as I did not fee guilty about what I was doing to his family... remember there is another person involved just think if this were happening to you or a good friend or your sister for that matter, her man being with another woman. I have to keep telling myself that.

 

I deserve my own man not someone elses and so do you. Try as I will not to get sucked in to the 98% of lies, I know he has feelings to but use the 2% rule!!! It does a body good!!!

[StoneyHeart]

Men have been known to literally move mountains to be with the one that they love. Do you really believe that your MM will not seek you out and find you if he wants you badly enough? If there is a will, there is a way. Let him miss you.

 

I think NC is the only way. Difficult? Incredibly. But necessary? I think so.

 

I read this on LS awhile ago, and I believe it to be true:

 

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results....

 

We are here for you. And, I am so sorry for your loss...

 

WA

 

I need to write that insanity definition on everything i own since i want to break down every hour or so. I actually did send an email today = one that told him I couldn't take being just friends...but I am sure I ended short note with a crack in the door. As you can see, I am on here every couple of hours when I am obsessing about him. This may be just the place I need to go. I am in tears reading how I am not the only one- and the thing is- you guys are telling me good advice without the sting....I promise to stop sounding like a broken record, but thank you all so much for being here!!

[StoneyHeart]

I don't think that your are the worst you got involved with someone that makes you feel alive, I am sure that there is passion and chemistry and all those other feelings that you can not explain with him. Thank you! Needed to hear anythign that says i am not completely awful to everyone for this road...

 

MY ex MM who this past thursday managed to have me agree to being alone with him for a few moments, just kissed is all... felt good but made you beat yoruself up later, right?

 

states that he cares for me soooo much but has not bothered to contact me after the workday is through or call me on the weekends. I never attempt to call him at all. Same goes here. I'm sorry, I understand how difficult that is- it is such a shame to want the weekends to end quickly....

 

We started to become friends and I liked it that way much better, as I did not fee guilty So, I shouldn't be guilty for just being friends?

 

I deserve my own man not someone elses and so do you. Try as I will not to get sucked in to the 98% of lies, I know he has feelings to but use the 2% rule!!! It does a body good!!!

:bunny: I can't wait to apply this! (oh, I guess if I block him I don't get to do this either???)

[pricillia]

it must be hard for you, I don't know it is easier for me now as there is someone else that I can sense really likes me, but it has not stopped me from thinking about the MM and when I say just kissed, well it was sooo amazing, but how can we invest our feelings in someone who is not even accessable for us.

 

The whole thing SUCKS,

[stillhere]

Yeah, i thought this was about telling the MM about another man. I did see a guy while i was with my MM (he doesn't know about him and never will). It was short lived, only because that was doomed from the beginning as well. He was my exH's friend (after me and the H split, every one of his friends called me, great friends he has huh?) Anyways, the new guy knew all about my MM and was cool with it. I would talk to my MM for hours with the new guy right there. He knew he was just replacing that loneliness i was feeling. I told him that. Told him i only wanted my MM. He understood. Finally, i turned him loose, feeling guilty for being unfaithful to my MM.......screwed up thinking i know!!!!! But i wanted him to have someone that could return the feelings, because i never could. He's since tried to hook up with me again, but i won't do it.