Butterflying Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 My cousin is Tina is 6 years older than me. We've always been very close. She's like a big sister to me. Fourteen years ago, she was in a serious relationship with this guy named Victor. They have a child together, but their relationship ended 14 years ago, after my cousin cheated and had a second child with another man. Since Tina used to babysit me, I got to know Victor very well. I was about 12 years old when I met him. He was always nice to me, like a big brother because he was 21 at the time. I liked him. Actually, I had a crush on him. One evening, I was hiding in the Tina's closet. I don't remember why. She must have thought I was outside playing with neighborhood kids, or something. She and Victor came into her room and started having sex. I was afraid to leave the closet at let them know what I'd witnessed. I waited until they finished. And I never told them, or anyone about it. When Victor and Tina broke up, I was very sad. Victor was like a member of our family. I was angry with my cousin for ruining their relationship. But I still love my cousin and stuck by her side no matter what. After all these years, Victor has been in other relationships. He has two more children, but he's never been married. Victor and I hadn't seen each other since I was 12 and he was 21. Now he's 35, and I'm 26. We met yesturday when he was visiting my parents. He has kept contact with most of my relatives. Yesturday wasn't the first time he's visited my parents. But it's the first time that I was actually home to see him. I can't even explain what it was like. But it was sorta like having lost something, giving up, and suddenly finding it again when you least expect it. I was very shocked that Victor seemed as happy to see me as I was him. We exchanged phone numbers and addresses. We live 150 miles apart. He is planning to visit me, sometime, very soon so we can hang out and catch up on all the missed time. This is where my problem begins. I already know that I like this guy. I always have. Since I'm all grown up now, I can act on my desires. My parents love and admire him. But they have no idea that his and my intentions are more than just friends. If they knew, they would probably be against it because of my cousin Tina. Tina hates Victor. She treats him very cold, and always has. I've joked with her about me dating Victor because he is sooo fine. Tina says, "You can have him. I don't want his broke ass." Tina likes men who have a lot of money. And Victor is middle class. What should I do? I have been looking for love in all the wrong places. Victor is a guy whom I know won't cheat on me. He won't abuse me. He won't disrespect me. He is the ideal man for me, and I recongnized this, even when I was 12 years old. After all these years, he's still a good man. Unfortunately, he hasn't found the right woman. I feel certain that I could be that woman...but I'm not sure if it's ethical, moral, or good. Would I be selfish for pursuing this? Honestly, if I didn't think there's a chance Victor and I could be "right" for each other, I wouldn't even consider it. True love is hard to find. I just need some advice. I don't want to cause any problems in my family.
sunrise Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 I think you should talk to your cousin about this. Tell her that you REALLY like Victor and that you're serious about it. If you tell her most of what you've posted here (like, leave out the closet part?), she should understand. I don't see why she'd have a serious problem with you dating her ex -- she might disapprove, but if you make her understand that this might be the real thing for you, then she should be okay with it. So then if she's okay with it, I'm assuming your parents won't have a problem either (especially since he still visits them). Anyway, I don't think you'd be acting selfishly. Your family members would be the selfish ones, if they'd be against you dating Victor (I still don't understand why that would cause problems, especially since it seems he's a longtime family friend?). And it's not like Tina still has feelings for him or anything, right? I say go for it.
Author Butterflying Posted May 6, 2006 Author Posted May 6, 2006 I guess I'm still scared to pursue this. I don't want to tell anyone about the relationship (if one starts between Victor and me) because what if we don't work out? Then I will look like an idiot to my family. Some of them would probably be like "told you so." Last night, Victor called me. We talked about not telling anyone about this. So it will be like a private affair. I wasn't too thrilled about having to hide this because hiding idicates something we shouldn't be doing. So he was okay about us telling everyone... Victor said, all we are doing is being friends and getting to know each other. If it turns into something more, then everyone will have to accept it and he doesn't care what they think. The ball is in my court. Since I'm so uncomfortable, Victor told me he would back off until I'm certain. But I don't want him to back off. He was so sweet about this. I just want him to hold me, and tell me everything will be okay. But I feel weird since he used to be my cousin's man.
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