Apathetic Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Ive been thinking recently about my situation & WHY would I "want" to put myself through all this pain & confusion?? I mean I KNOW my ex is a total jerkoff who I do not relate to in any way,know he treats me like s*** and is very disrespectful,but yet Ive continued this POINTLESS & heartbreaking situation for 2 months...I am full aware that I do not need to associate w/ someone like that & that I deserve better, but I keep torturting myself and want to know why someone who is fully aware of the situation keeps going back & getting hurt?????? Why do ppl go back running to the one person WHO HAS TREATED THEM LIKE s*** AND BROKEN THIER HEART?????? Please someoneeee answer this b/c im driving myself insane!!!!
Curmudgeon Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 There can be two reasons I can think of. One is that hope springs eternal. the other is that you keep wanting to try to make it right, or perhaps less wrong, so you CAN walk away and not have any deep feelings about it. In the end, remember that one definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again still thinking you'll get different results. The past is best left there.
Author Apathetic Posted May 6, 2006 Author Posted May 6, 2006 Thats what im saying...Im insane b/c I keep doing the same thing over & over again & end up w/ the same results!!!!!!!
destination_unknown Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Apathetic, I feel the same sometimes and i think the lion is right. You will reach a point though, where getting nothing in return, will fill you up to capacity and that is when you will be free. But also, it takes a consistent concerted conscious effort to push yourself into a new life and new mode of thinking where you let go of having any control over the situation with the ex. If you feel like you've done your best, then the best thing is to let go. Thats when they have to do the work on themselves. Have you seen anyone else? Maybe going on just one date could help remind you that you deserve to get something in return for your efforts. HUGS.
Dagny Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Because even though your brain knows rationally he's a total loser your heart had dreamnt a fantasy that is hard to let go of. But that all it is. a fantasy. Important to remember that I'm going through kinda the same thing. Wasted time with an absolute loser which I am better in every way mentally , emotionally, spiritually and financially. Though there is nothing to relate to, the only thing that kept me feeling was what could have been, and some dismal memories which I play up in my head. The best thing is just to avoid the person whatsoever. A situation change is good too. I feel for you *hugz*
Chinook Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Ive been thinking recently about my situation & WHY would I "want" to put myself through all this pain & confusion?? I mean I KNOW my ex is a total jerkoff who I do not relate to in any way,know he treats me like s*** and is very disrespectful,but yet Ive continued this POINTLESS & heartbreaking situation for 2 months...I am full aware that I do not need to associate w/ someone like that & that I deserve better, but I keep torturting myself and want to know why someone who is fully aware of the situation keeps going back & getting hurt?????? Why do ppl go back running to the one person WHO HAS TREATED THEM LIKE s*** AND BROKEN THIER HEART?????? Please someoneeee answer this b/c im driving myself insane!!!! There is an NLP saying, if you do what you have always done, you will get what you always got. It sounds stupid and so simplistic. But think about it, it is also plain common sense. If you change what you do - you will simply get different results. All you need to do is work out what it is exactly that you want so that you can make those changes (and get what you want/need rather than stuff that makes you feel crappy) See..?
Author Apathetic Posted May 6, 2006 Author Posted May 6, 2006 Thanks all for your replies.You all make so much sense,I know I need to make some changes & try to let go but I am finding it beyond difficult right now,I am in no way a stupid person but I am a total fool for him.Somebody mentioned that 'getting nothing in return' will fill me up till capacity..I believe that & have been saying to myself "why do I continue this when I am getting nothing at all from this situation except pain & confusion"..Dont know I do this to myself,dont know why I keep going back to someone like that
GB111 Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Hi Apathetic, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I am in the EXACT same boat, but I've allowed it to go on for over 2 months. I keep going back, breaking NC, and getting hurt. The only good news is that I have FINALLY reached that "breaking point" spoken of earlier. I asked myself so often why I kept doing this to myself, and honestly, in some disturbing way, it was easier to push her to the point of saying "we will never be anything more than friends" and treating me like her worst enemy. NC was just too hard for me. The shocking thing is that I'm a very well-to-do professional with a beautiful house, consider myself fairly handsome, and a very good friend. She's an uneducated alien from another country with a illegitimate child who makes minimum wage cleaning houses. Nonetheless, I loved (maybe still love) her. I'm not sure there IS any logic when it comes to love. I have, however, reached that breaking point. I cannot be disrepected any longer. I may have damaged any hope of ever even being friends, but frankly, I think I'll always have a place for her in my heart, and therefore, can never be friends. Hard to believe that someone who once stared at you with loving eyes can suddenly be so cruel, but they can. Afriad I don't have any great advice for you as I've just completed the process it appears you are completing. I wish you nothing but the best, and hope that your heart and mind heal quickly. Good luck, and stay strong. GB
2020vision Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 I can't really give you too much advice, but wanted to let you know I am going through the same kind of pain and am here for you... My ex is with someone else, still contacts me and I fall for his cheesy lines everytime. I am so frustrated with myself that sometimes I want to scream. Although, in your situation it has only been two months and you should probably give yourself a little more time. Just do the usual, NC and start living your own life for you. And give it a little bit of time and you will see your life improve. I am at 6 months into the breakup, and although I am still upset at times, I am much better off than 2 months. Good luck
dgiirl Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 I think a lot of it has to do with fear of the unknown. Change is very scary so a lot of the times we fight against it. We fear we'll never be with someone else who will treat us better. We fear we'll get hurt again. And we're lonely, so we'd rather live with what we know, then to live by ourselves. Embrace your singleness. Listen and examine yourself and figure out what it is you fear that you will resort to going back. Realize that if we REALLY want something different, then we HAVE to go through changes, in hopes of getting it.
In Sync Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 In my own self exploration in trying to understand my habitual pattern in not letting go, I learned a few insightful things about our human traits...we each have personally traits that fall into certain catgories...long story short, they are dependency, contolling and competitive. Each type handles stress and loss in the same familiar patterns. For example a dependent person who finds it hard to let go because of fear of abandonment..a controling personality may indeed want to be in control of the the relationship so that person stays in it determined to change the situation..a compeitive person wants to stay to prove to the other they are better than the failed partner... It's not that you are insane but there is something in your personality that would rather put up and maintain staying with a loser than let go. Once you look at it in the realm of why do I do this and explore what makes you tick or motivates you it's less a mystery to you. Then you can begin to identify your habits or patterns change....
Author Apathetic Posted May 7, 2006 Author Posted May 7, 2006 Hmm that is very interesting In sync..I will say that I am dependant & very fearful of abandoment,but in a way he HAS abandoned me already so I dont think thats the case..but then again who knows? I for sure dont! I was thinking before that maybe there is no complex answer,maybe the reason why I continue this is as simple as "I love him"..maybe thats why I put myself through this..arggg I dont know:mad:
In Sync Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 Hmm that is very interesting In sync..I will say that I am dependant & very fearful of abandoment,but in a way he HAS abandoned me already so I dont think thats the case..but then again who knows? I for sure dont! I was thinking before that maybe there is no complex answer,maybe the reason why I continue this is as simple as "I love him"..maybe thats why I put myself through this..arggg I dont know:mad: I don't doubt that you love him, but not to explore any behavior that accepts why you endure (and I'm quoting you from the earlier post you wrote) "he treats me like s*** and is very disrespectful." Means you think the sitution will reverse itself on its own. Sadly I think it won't. I too have had that mindset. Only loving someone and allowing them to disrespect us is not a sign of love. It's goes deeper than that. For example, surely you've seen or read or heard of some people in physically abusive relationships and are double shocked by their also saying that they were in love. No doubt they feel love but to stay in an unhealthy situation needs to be explored.
Author Apathetic Posted May 7, 2006 Author Posted May 7, 2006 I see what youre saying...I suffer from total lack of self esteem so maybe thats another reason I put up w/ it..I have no self worth,just do not think highly of myself so I am guessing since I dont love myself,why not put up w/ the s*** he throws at me,I already feel bad about myself so who cares if someone else treats me the same..? you know what I mean?
In Sync Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 It's a bit of a viscious circle...we accept or allow people to disrespect us. It hurts but we keep putting up with it. Yes we feel bad, and at the same time our self esteem diminishes. In order to stay on this path we put up defenses and then we live in a world of denial. By denial we say..it's love. 'I guess I'm just in love.' That defeated acceptance allows us to stay in the unhealthy relationship and it doesn't change. Then we blame the 'losers' (and no doubt they are) but we keep up the defense stay in denial continue to be mistreated and our esteem dwindles..and then we are so emotionally depleted we can't see that we are only hurting ourselves with this pattern. The more you explore (and I mean myself as well) the further you will see that it's just love.
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