Chinook Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Not sure if you guys recall, I was seeing a guy for a little while and he was going to propose marriage. I dumped him because I couldn't go that way and still had lots of feelings for my previous partner (not that I didn't tell him this anyways). When I dumped this guy... I just did it and walked away. I knew I was going to hurt him. I knew I couldn't give him what I needed. It was not because I actually didn't care about him as a person. He knew how I felt about long term ideas... he knew my bloody prognosis for a start!! Anyways, I digress. The issue was we both share the same set of friends from the running club. We have a site messaging system which has gotten a tad bit fraught with people being careful what they say to him and me. Then there has been the issue of social gatherings. He'd fully intended to build a nice cosy place of hating me for himself - to tell himself that's how he'd get through it. Telling himself I lied to him and it was all false. When it wasn't. The thing is, I knew this was him hurting. I knew that he would build that wall of hatred and thereby lose any future chance of trusting someone else... if the opportunity came along. If that happened, he'd miss it because he'd be too busy holding onto some misguided idea that all women are biatches. Anyhow, to cut a long story short, I contacted him today. Called him up and told him I wanted to talk. Openly and frankly. I explained that under no circumstances was I giving him false hope and we were most definitely NOT going back. BUT, to move forward, I had to explain EXACTLY why things happened why they did and how. Why it was down to me and tell him face-to-face that I was sorry for hurting him. I also said that if he needed to and if he wanted to go that way forward, I didn't see why we could not try to remain friends. I explained that it would be friends with a difference in that, one day... he is going to move on and not need me. One day he will meet someone else. After we finished talking... he said he felt like he had a stone lifted from his chest because it had taken away all the bad feelings he felt about himself and about me... not because he is hoping. But simply because I was truthful and it actually showed, that although I can't give him what he needs (and he realises this now) that I actually do care. I explained I was worried about the risk of him having false hope and basically I told him it wasn't going to happen. But sometimes, he said the most painful thing isn't losing your partner... it's losing your best friend. I have to say, I agreed with that because even though I dumped him... I lost my best friend too. Problem is, dumpers aren't allowed to be hurting are they..?!! So... dumpers and dumpees... if the opportunity arose... and you could make the other person's life easier, less painful somehow... would you do it..? If not, why...? If so... how can any pitfalls be avoided...?
Author Chinook Posted May 6, 2006 Author Posted May 6, 2006 BTW - this is not the ex-partner of 10 years. This was new guy of 6 months. XP of 10 years is the guy who is in no-contact-hell
Author Chinook Posted May 6, 2006 Author Posted May 6, 2006 I knew I couldn't give him what I needed. That's supposed to be what HE needed - I already knew what I needed (or didn't need) sheeeh! It's late here!
dgiirl Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 i've already done this... i made things easier for my ex who cheated and left me. Sometimes I hate myself for this, but it's who i am. If i've done wrong, or can ease the pain for someone else, I'll do it.
westernxer Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 If life were easier, you wouldn't learn anything. Pain is inevitable, whether you mean it or not. There is no way around it, except to deal with it.
Author Chinook Posted May 6, 2006 Author Posted May 6, 2006 If life were easier, you wouldn't learn anything. Pain is inevitable, whether you mean it or not. There is no way around it, except to deal with it. I agree completely. In fact, I think I said to him yesterday that he may find the situation too painful too. But that said, it's also no reason to allow someone to sink into bitterness and hate is it..?
westernxer Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 But that said, it's also no reason to allow someone to sink into bitterness and hate is it..? That's his problem, not yours. He'll have to learn to deal with it. Love's a bitch, and anything goes when emotions are involved.
Big_A Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Many years ago I had a gf of about one year leave me with no warning and only an explanation that she needed "space". I chased her for months and never got an explanation. In retrospect it took me longer to heal from that then many of the others because I had no idea what happened. I didn't get much of a chance to be self reflective. I think that a time of disclosure is vital to both parties, perhaps not full disclosure, but an explanation based in truth is usually the best way to do it.
Author Chinook Posted May 6, 2006 Author Posted May 6, 2006 westernxer I see what you're saying. Maybe I'm just too nice for my own good. But I feel that you can't claim to care about someone and then just dump them and walk away and say "tough luck, get on with it". It would be easier if there were someone else or some kind of reason that I did something wrong - but there isn't. I just wasn't ready for a huge commitment like marriage. I don't know I ever will be. But I don't think there is any need to let someone assume that you're being disrespectful and you don't care about what happens to them. This was someone I care about and spent time with... not just some guy off the street who I hardly knew. I know that we'll never be buddies and he even said he didn't know how I could be so supportive of someone only to wait for the day when he moves on. Sometimes though, I think we do need the people we care about. I don't think it's as easy in some cases as just going completely no contact. In this case I couldn't anyway... the situ with our friends required that there was alot of tact and diplomacy employed. Hopefully now, at least we won't be uncomfortable in social surroundings. Big A Yeah. Me too. The times I knew what happened, I was sad but I was fine in no time. The one time I didn't have a clue and someone just walked away from me... that hurt a long time. I think I tried to be truthful yesterday. Put it this way when I first saw him he could barely look at me and when he did it was with contempt and I'd only ever been truthful. I had thought it best not to waste his time... because we could have stayed in a relationship knowing it was going nowhere. But I didn't I told him outright that I didn't want what he wanted and that I liked him and enjoyed being with him but I was not walking down the aisle. But by the time we finished talking he knew where things were and he understood things and we were able to talk relatively easily and he was smiling too when he left. He said he felt better. I suppose it's a kind of closure.
silentcharon Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Pain is only a measure of how much you're willing to feel pain. Nobody's a robot, pain is inevitable when it comes to this sort of thing. Some choose to ignore the pain by smoking pot or drinking, some turn to casual sex, some choose to be isolated from the rest of the world. Some choose to face it full on, and accept so they may get by sooner. Some cannot. There is a multitude of reasons for pain, it is only a matter of how you want to accept the pain, and how much you are willing to suffer. The suffering is in YOUR hands, it is your choice as to how you want to deal with YOUR pain. If I could, I would lessen the pain somehow, but this is asking the impossible, for I have no control over how much pain the other person feels. That's just what I think.
BBetsy Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 The thing is, always be honest and don't make promises you can't keep. As long as you do those two things, no one should get hurt...
Author Chinook Posted May 6, 2006 Author Posted May 6, 2006 The thing is, always be honest and don't make promises you can't keep. As long as you do those two things, no one should get hurt... Yeah, I think that's why he felt less hurt. He was in a better place when he left yesterday.
tracerit Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Chinook, you're a great person, i wish my ex would've done something like what you did
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