stillafool Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 I met him when I was a 22 yr.old secretary and he was a 26 yr.old Harvard attorney. He swept me off my feet. I had never felt passion and love like that since my first love in high school. He wined,dined and took me everywhere and showed me everything. I didn't have a college degree and I knew that bothered him but I liked what I did for a living and loved my job. All of his friends were Ivy leaguers and it did cause me a lot of insecurity to be around them. But when I was with him I was happier than I'd ever been in my life. We never spoke about love although I was deeply in love with him. I found him to be emotionally unavailable to me. He asked me once when we made love to tell him I loved him and I told him flatly "NO"! Afterall, if you want to hear that from a person shouldn't you be the one to say it to them first? No, I don't think, no I'm sure he didn't love me. We would see each other about 2 to 3 times a week. This went on for 2 years. At the beginning of the 3rd year he told me his ex girlfriend's best friend (a law student) from back east was moving into his house because she was going to work at his law firm for the summer. I knew our relationship couldn't survive that; although he made it seem purely platonic. (Later I found out they did sleep together). I also found out that he had starting dating another girl from a well to do family. He told me he was having a party but never invited me to it. He was going to have her there instead of me I'm sure. I was so hurt. I met another guy that summer who I was quite passionate about. He loved me and wasn't afraid to say it or show it. I thought thank you God for sending me someone who can help me get over this Jerk! He found out I was seeing this new guy and went into a jealous rage after treating me like crap all this time. He demanded I stop seeing my new guy right away and I said stop seeing that girl. He said no way and I said no way on my end. Well we kept sleeping together and dating behind my new boyfriend's back. His new girlfriend on the other hand knew he was still seeing me and told him she didn't care she wasn't going to give him up even if he did still want to date a girl like me. (I guess she meant someone who isn't good enough for him). Well, soon my new boyfriend found out I was still sleeping with "HIM" and broke up with me. Of course my old boyfriend was so happy about that and he was dating me and his other girl for almost a year when he called me at work one day and said he was going to Europe. I said with who the new girl? He said yes and she was paying for the 2 week trip. When he came back he called me and told me he got engaged while in Europe. I wasn't devasted as I figured I got what I deserved by not leaving him alone and staying with the other guy who had really loved me. I told him congrats and I wished them well. He tried to see me constantly but I made it up in my mind that I wasn't going to be yet still a fool and continue sleeping with him when it was clear he didn't want me. He tried everything and every way possible to get me in to bed but I stuck by my guns. He became angry and almost obsessed with trying to hurt me after that. Including inviting me to his wedding and getting upset because I didn't want to come. Even after they got married he was still calling me and even lied once and told me they were separated to try to see me. I still said no. I changed my address and phone number and wiped him from my mind. In the last 15 years he has asked person after person about me and asked them to tell me to please contact him. I never did and finally someone told him I am now married. It has been 20 years since I talked to him but he has never really left my mind. This January I woke up thinking about him/us and it has been 4 months and I still can't get him off my mind so I contacted him 2 weeks ago and he is now a big whig. We had a long conversation and he told me he has been married with kids for 20 years but has struggled with fidelity. He even told me he took his ex girlfriend (before me) to dinner two weeks ago. I have to be honest with you butterflies returned to my stomach the moment I heard his voice. He wants us to get together for dinner to talk over old times. I finally told him that I had been in love with him back then. He told me he had never felt passion with anyone the way he did with me and he has tried to recreate it but hasn't been able to. He never said I loved you too. What am I doing still thinking about this man after all these years???? My God, am I crazy because I've been fantasiing about having an affair with him. What the heck??? If nothing else it feels good to tell all of this nonsense to someone. Please tell me what you think and don't try to spare my feelings. I've pretty much made it up in my mind I won't have dinner with him as I wouldn't want to hurt my husband.
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 We had a long conversation and he told me he has been married with kids for 20 years but has struggled with fidelity. He even told me he took his ex girlfriend (before me) to dinner two weeks ago. BIG red flag! The fact he has and continues to cheat on his wife, just shows what sort of person he is. He isn't capable of having a loving relationship with one woman. He is selfish and needs other women to meet ALL his needs. His poor wife and children... By involving yourself in his life again is very unhealthy for you. NO good can come of this, even if he makes you feel good and has stirred up feelings again. Rise above it, leave it in the past and forget him! If you don't, you WILL get your heart broken. And don't think you can fool around with him without having feelings and strings attached... I've pretty much made it up in my mind I won't have dinner with him as I wouldn't want to hurt my husband. Good, I didn't have to say that for you. Focus on your husband and your marriage. Leave the past in the past. Don't EVER put yourself in a situation with the MM where you can't say no. Plus, you do not want to hurt your husband and ruin your marriage JUST for a good sex session. It's not worth losing everything you have in your life now, a home, a marriage, family, inlaws, friends, the comfort of your life... Please go read afew threads in the infidelity section of betrayed spouses. I don't believe you really want to do that to your husband and inflict so much pain on him and turn his life upside down, ruin all his love, respect and trust, faith in you as his wife. Once that is gone it is SO hard to get back - Again, just go read some threads, here and in the other section. Good luck and keep posting.
Adunaphel Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 You are not crazy. Well, if you are crazy, you are in good company. I still get butterflies whenever I hear from a married guy who basically treated me like ****. You said not to try to spare your feelings....well, here I go. Mind that I am not trying to judge you. I'm just someone who still has butterflies for one of the biggest ******* I've met in my life. I will be harsh because when my friends were harsh to me, it was of some use. Like it or not, this guy did not contact you because he still has feelings for you, or because he realized he cares about you. He is just looking for some sex outside his marriage. He has called you not because he thinks you are so special, but because he wanted to see whether you still have feelings for him, and therefore can be talked/persuaded into sleeping with him with little effort on his part. You told him you were in love with him. He understood very well that you are still very attracted by him. Be very careful, expect the worst from him. He has very likely labeled you as an easy prey. Do not put yourself in situations where things could slip out of control. If he starts telling you that he loves you, or worse, acts like he is in love with you, assume that he is just playing a role. Assume that he is just making fun of you, that he basically wants to use you and then get rid of you like you are trash. He never respected you, except perhaps in the early stages of your old relationship, when he was sweeping you off your feet. If you are anything like me, you are still attached to an a**hole because he acted like the most charming guy in the world for a little while, and you are deluding yourself that if he was so caring and full attention once, he can *still* act like that towards you again. Do not fall in this trap, please. If you are anything like me, you probably are in love with the charming person that made you feel like this He swept me off my feet. I had never felt passion and love like that since my first love in high school. He wined,dined and took me everywhere and showed me everything. at 22. Guess what? such a person does not exist. The man you still have the butterflies for probably never existed, if not inside your head. You fell in love with a fantasy. You fell in love with the role he was playing. If you ever see a glimpse of the guy who charmed you at 22, run like hell, because it will be a facade!!! This guy led a double life when you were dating. Treating you like crap. Treating his other girlfriend like crap. And how is he treating his wife now? like crap. Guess how he'd treat you? Yes, you got it exactly. You have fantasized about having an affair with him. It happens. You are not crazy. You can control your fantasies only partly. Juste remember that fantasies can be very, very different from reality. [i learnt it the hard way, I fantasized a lot abot the MM I had a short affair with. The fantasies were the most exciting ones I ever had in my life. Actually, masturbating to those fantasies was the best sex I had in my life (jeez, hope my ex-bf does not read this). The only time anything sexual happened between he and me...well, it was surely one of the lowest points in my life. He basically insisted about me giving him a blowjob even if he could clearly see I did not feel like it, came in my mouth while having oral sex without even a warning, acted coldly before and afterwards, the following day when we talked on the internet he criticized a detail about my looks, spoke to me in a hurtful, insensitive way about what had happened, and much more than this. So much for the perfect fantasy! And guess what, I still have butterflies in the stomach the once-in-a-dozen time he tells me something nice instead of acting like a jerk. And if I happen to fantasize about him, of course, the fantasy is great. So see, if you are crazy, you are in good company!] What if you ended up cheating on your husband(who loves you and whom you love) with this guy? - for all you know, it could be an unpleasant experience. This guy has gotten older. He could have gotten overweight. He could go limp while having sex. He could have lost his charming ways. Even if he was still very attractive and even if the sex was good, he'd still be a jerk. Who knows it better than you, who have played second fiddle for so many years? What if you have sex once and then he disappears? What if he acts unpleasantly? Then you'll be hurt, fooled, feeling awful. What if you are just one of the many women he's cheating on his wife with? - The only sure thing you know: if anything happens, you'll regret it for your whole life. You love your husband. If anything happens and he finds out, your marriage might end, and you would lose the really important man in your life. If he does not find out, you'll feel guilty and hate yourself for the rest of your life. This guy is venom, he has poisoned your life for too long. Please do not allow him to do further damage. Please allow yourself to be happy with the man you really love (a *real* person, not a frigging fantasy of the prince charming you met at 22), do not risk screwing everything up for the dangerous "butterflies in your stomach" feeling you are experiencing for a guy *who exists only in your head*. The *actual* guy is a selfish, controlling, jerk who has not respected one single woman in his life that you know of. Including you. Do not be fooled, you mean nothing to him. Just an easy prey. Do not play along with his mind games, or you'll end up with your heart shattered (NOT because of him, you'd eventually realize he's not worth it, but because of your husband) and your whole *LIFE* screwed up. ....................................... hey, I took you literally about telling you what I think. You already decided to do the right thing I've pretty much made it up in my mind I won't have dinner with him as I wouldn't want to hurt my husband. I am very glad that you are in the right mindset, please stick to this decision, it's you happiness and your marriage that are at stake here.
Author stillafool Posted May 5, 2006 Author Posted May 5, 2006 thank you guys so much. I really need to hear this stuff. I know it in my mind but it really helps to have it confirmed. I'm so glad I found this board because you friends won't tell you the hurtful things you really need to hear to jolt some sense in your head. That was funny when you said he may be fat and "limp" (he was limp at 26) so I can only imagine that by now.
whichwayisup Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Everytime you feel the urge to see this guy or talk to him, log onto LS and we'll make sure you won't. Just remember how much you have to lose...And this guy isn't worth losing all that you know and love. Adunaphel, that was an excellent post reply!
Author stillafool Posted May 6, 2006 Author Posted May 6, 2006 Thanks Whichwayisup. I feel better this morning after reading you guys post yesterday. Now I realize what a dog he still is and always will be. It's funny how people don't change. I was thinking about when he told me that he has struggled with fidelity in his marriage because he just loves women and can't help it. Also when he told me he took his ex girlfriend to dinner 2 weeks ago and I said to him about his w - "She let's you take ____ to dinner?" He said the restaurant called the house to confirm the reservations and he was to take his w out the night prior for her b-day so when the restaurant called she thought he was taking her out 2 nights in a row. When the w found out she asked him what was the 2nd reserve for and he told her the truth. He said she "went off" but he took his ex out to dinner anyway. I was thinking if my husband did that to me I would be devastated. I would imagine by now his w is use to this behavior. He makes a lot of money and has a lot of prestige and it's amazing how many women will put up with anything rather than give up that lifestyle.
Author stillafool Posted May 6, 2006 Author Posted May 6, 2006 I just want to thank you again Adunaphel. I just read your post again this morning and it really helped me so much. You were so right he has always been just a fantasy in my head. He's such a dog. He is so selfish and only wants what he wants for him. The only reason he got married was to have children (and extention of him). He never intended to do right by any woman. I wonder how many mistresses he's had in 23 yrs?
Adunaphel Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 I just want to thank you again Adunaphel. I just read your post again this morning and it really helped me so much. You were so right he has always been just a fantasy in my head. He's such a dog. He is so selfish and only wants what he wants for him. The only reason he got married was to have children (and extention of him). He never intended to do right by any woman. I wonder how many mistresses he's had in 23 yrs? You are very welcome. I will post in this thread again later(I would do it now but I have to go offline). Stick to your purpose, you have nothing to gain and everything to lose if you fall for him again. and keep us posted! whichwayisup Adunaphel, that was an excellent post reply! thank you. I guess I should re-read it myself:D , since I am still thinking about MM, pretending that someone else wrote it. It's easier to give advice to others who are in your same situation, i guess. You are more detached. And it's easier to realize that someone else is hurting herself, than to realize that you are hurting yourself .
fanou22 Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Watch "Match Point" and see how it ends. When I started reading your post, all I could think about was that movie.
Adunaphel Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 One last thought before I go, there is a joke that says: "What are attorneys good for? They make used car salesmen look good." My MM sells cars. When I read your post, my first thought was that there is quite a lot of truth in some jokes, ain't there?
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Hi Stillafool, I am a MW who is also having butterflies and tingly skin sensations EVERY time I think of my MM. I have been married 10 years and I don't want to lose it over some 'fantasy' as Adunaphel said. It is so true: it is really all in our head. We see what we want to see. After reading your original post... I feel there is one point that other posters here have not addressed yet. That is your self-esteem. 20 years ago, this guy basically told you in so many ways that you are good as a sex toy but not as his wife. I can only imagine how that must have torn down your self-esteem and killed your affection toward other men!! Now, how many years did it take you to recover and move on? Exactly!! Now that you are married with a loving husband (or maybe not, but HE doesn't have to know that), you are actually in a better position than he is. Give him all notions that you are happy and in love with your husband - and THAT is the best revenge for all your pain and suffering years ago! As long as you do not meet him or give in to any of his requests, YOU are in control. He will fantasize about you and he will yearn after you - like the way you did for him! See my drift? Don't lose this precious opportunity to regain your self-respect and teach this man to respect you! On a side note: not many of us OWs have the opportunity that you do. So use it wisely.
Adunaphel Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 After reading your original post... I feel there is one point that other posters here have not addressed yet. That is your self-esteem. KnowHowLoveFeels made an excellent and very, very important point. Give him all notions that you are happy and in love with your husband - and THAT is the best revenge for all your pain and suffering years ago! As long as you do not meet him or give in to any of his requests, YOU are in control. KHLF is right. Allow me to add the this would not be only the best revenge, but the *only* way you can be "repaid" of the way he treated you. If, again, you are anything like me (I hope not, because I'm seriously screwed up when it comes to self esteem issues, but just in case), you might think that *if only* now he found out that he is in love with you, that he eventually has developed feelings for you, you would....well, be repaid of the way he treated you all those years ago. My english is not good and I am sure that "repay" is not the right word.....what I mean is that you might fall in the trap to believe that if he falls in love with you, or finally treats you nicely, then your pride, or self esteem, will heal from the hurts it received when you allowed him to treat you badly. Like saying...."he used to treat my like a sex toy. I deserve that he falls in love with me after all the crap I put up with. If he falls in love with me(or even if he finally treats me nicely), then things will be even. If he finally acts all interested and caring and romantic again, it will be the very best thing for my pride". Well, wrong. First, he will not fall in love with you. If you fall back for him, you'll be used again. The way he is actually behaving towards his wife, his other ex, the way he insisted to contact you, point toward that direction. Then, even if it happened, it would not be *really* good to your self esteem. Yes, you might get a little more than crumbs. But you'd be getting the message that you are still there at his beck and call after so many years, and after having supposedly moved on with your life. And that you'd throw your marriage down the drain in a moment just for him. He'd have all the control back in his hands, even if he managed to treat you like a princess (and he would not even try to, let alone manage to). If you show him that he is out of your life, and you would not touch him with a stick from two meters of distance, that would give you great feelings! KnowHowLoveFeels is *so*right. He will fantasize about you and he will yearn after you - like the way you did for him! See my drift? Don't lose this precious opportunity to regain your self-respect and teach this man to respect you! If you get this opportunity, though, no slippings are allowed! One last thing. That was funny when you said he may be fat and "limp" (he was limp at 26) so I can only imagine that by now. So even the sex would very likely be not that great. It would not be really worth it to risk breaking up your marriage and feel bad for the rest of your life even if this guy was a sex-god. If you throw away your marriage for a guy who -aside being a selfish, controlling, lying, cheating jerk - is a huge disappointment in bed, you'll also feel very stupid. I know it's not about the sex, even when you fantasized about having an affair with him, it is not the thought of jumping his bones that gives you the butterflies, is it? It's just a deep desire to see that all those years you threw away loving a jerk were not entirely wasted. You want him to finally appreciate you for the great person you are...like "he treated me badly for so long, he finally realized I'm a lovely person". Which is not going to happen. You are a lovely person, I'd bet anything on it, you can see it from what you write, but this guy is not one who can appreciate good qualities. Sorry if I seem to just have "assumed" a few things... it was more a "just in case this stuff is going through your head" thing. No offence, I hope.
Author stillafool Posted May 6, 2006 Author Posted May 6, 2006 You are right again Adunaphel. Thank you Knowhowlovefeels you are right about my self-esteem and it took a real beating. I was determined not to take it out on another person and God blessed me with a good husband. I feel ashamed to even think about going to dinner with the MM who never saw me as good enough for anything but some one from the wrong side of the tracks to *----*. But I do feel like I was the lucky one instead of his W. I know where my husband is when he gets off work he comes straight home to me. I use to think how lucky she was to being marrying this Prince and he would be romantic all the time and make love to her every night. How young and stupid I was.
movinon05 Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 Also when he told me he took his ex girlfriend to dinner 2 weeks ago and I said to him about his w - "She let's you take ____ to dinner?" He said the restaurant called the house to confirm the reservations and he was to take his w out the night prior for her b-day so when the restaurant called she thought he was taking her out 2 nights in a row. When the w found out she asked him what was the 2nd reserve for and he told her the truth. He said she "went off" but he took his ex out to dinner anyway. I was thinking if my husband did that to me I would be devastated. I would imagine by now his w is use to this behavior. He makes a lot of money and has a lot of prestige and it's amazing how many women will put up with anything rather than give up that lifestyle. Damn! I am so naive! I can't imagine there are guys like this other than in movies! Sorry, stillafool, but he is a scumbag! And all you have to do is put yourself in that situation being the W to know what he is really like and how YOU would feel. This guy will NEVER change.
Author stillafool Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 I was doing so well and was putting him out of my mind. Then he called me yesterday morning. I was a mess after we got off the phone. Everything I wanted to say (don't call me anymore and leave me alone) went right out the window the moment I heard his voice. The things he says to me and the sound of his voice drives me crazy. I asked him if he told his wife we talked the other day and he said no. I said yeah you're probably still in the dog house from taking out your other ex girlfriend the day after your W's B-day. He said "Oh that was completely innocent". That was about business and my W knows that that's why she let me go to dinner with her. He said "but if I take you out to dinner I can't promise that it will all be innocent because of the way I feel about you". Then he says "why haven't you called me? I knew you wouldn't call me unless I called you first. I was starting to think it was a dream that I talked to you 17 days ago." The only good thing is he's 3500 miles from me but wants to send for me. Of course I'm not going but I want to so bad. Also I feel I'm way too old to be acting and feeling like this. Adunaphel, what do you think? Also how are you doing? You are so busy helping everyone else--how may I help you?
Author stillafool Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 Adunaphel, I read your orginal post again and I think or hope I feel stronger now. Thinking about him is taking up so much of my time. Oh my goodness!
Adunaphel Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Have you considered telling your husband? I'm very serious. Possibly telling him *now*, and not before the situation gets out of control. Does he know about this guy in your past? If so, you could tell him that this guy has contacted you, you love him(your husband, I mean) , you would never cheat on him (your H, again) but that you are very, very upset and enraged. That he brought back unpleasant thoughts about the past. Which would basically be the truth, wouldn't it? Turning to your husband for help could be very useful in 'cutting the bud' of a potential affair, I think. Also, bringing all of this "to the light", would automatically help you NOT to cheat on your H. If your H trusts you, he will understand that you don't want to cheat on him. If he has noticed that you have been acting strangely and he has become suspicious, he will (I think) feel better than if he went on seeing "red flags". If nothing else, he might appreciate the honesty. Also, if you tell him, not looking bad or suspicious in your H's eyes might even become a priority, more important than mulling over the other guy. Also,the more you talk to him, the more you are giving him the opportunity to damage your marriage. If you send him an email or call him, you are giving him evidence that he could use against you. Have you ever thought of this? What if you continue hearing from him, he does not get what he wants from you, or does not get enough, and decides to hurt your marriage? What if one day he is bored and decides to contact your H and boast that he has seduced you? He could just show him evidence that you talked, and your H's imagination will be set at work. Do you think a guy like the one you are dealing with would care to cause huge trouble in your life? If he does not care about damaging your marriage because he wants to sleep with you, do you think he'd not be able to damage your marriage because you did not want to sleep with him? BTW, could this guy damage your marriage in any way? Does he *already* know of anything that your H might not like? I do not wish to scare you into not having an affair, I am just worried that you might be playing with a time bomb, that could go off at any moment unless you find a way to dispose it safely. perhaps telling your H could be a way. Adunaphel, what do you think? Also how are you doing? You are so busy helping everyone else--how may I help you? thank you for asking, and thank you for replying in the thread I had started. It's a great help. And I'm not really helping much anyone else, I've always been more of an " advice taker" than and "advice giver" here on LS. I am doing pretty bad, because I'm hurt, I am waiting to calm down a little before I thank properly and reply to you and the other LS that gave me advice. I can't handle writing about my MM when I'm so upset.
Adunaphel Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I almost forgot I was doing so well and was putting him out of my mind. Then he called me yesterday morning. I was a mess after we got off the phone. Everything I wanted to say (don't call me anymore and leave me alone) went right out the window the moment I heard his voice. The things he says to me and the sound of his voice drives me crazy. I'm sorry you had such a reaction when you heard his voice. I have no advice about how to break such spells. Could use some advice myself. But I think it's natural not to be able to control emotions properly in such cases. You have sent him clear signals that he has still power over you. Not good. I asked him if he told his wife we talked the other day and he said no. I said yeah you're probably still in the dog house from taking out your other ex girlfriend the day after your W's B-day. He said "Oh that was completely innocent". *cough*bullsh#t*cough* That was about business and my W knows that that's why she let me go to dinner with her. Testing how much you will believe. Either lying about having had dinner out with his ex to make you jealous (it was you who reminded me recently that men play games, you are right!). Or lying about it being innocent. (btw, I don't think the "my wife knew it was about business" and his "I went out with ex-gf even if wife was upset" story match. ) Or perhaps it *was*innocent, but not out of his *choice*. He just didn't get any from his ex gf. Or -again-perhaps it was not innocent at all, but what use would it be to tell you so? He'd just make you feel "one of the many OW in his life". Not convenient for him. It's in his best interest, at the moment,to make you feel special. He said "but if I take you out to dinner I can't promise that it will all be innocent because of the way I feel about you". Just informing you that he wants to have sex with you. Then he says "why haven't you called me? I knew you wouldn't call me unless I called you first. See? he's assuming his call is welcome. he's assuming you are into him again. he's assuming he can have you in a heartbeat. I was starting to think it was a dream that I talked to you 17 days ago." Oho, hear, hear. He's acting all caring and romantic. Like he has been counting days since the last time he spoke to you (he has a calendar at hand, I suppose) The only good thing is he's 3500 miles from me but wants to send for me. Consider yourself lucky. Of course I'm not going but I want to so bad. Also I feel I'm way too old to be acting and feeling like this. Glad to know that you are not considering actually going. And you are never too old to bee feling like this. Hey, many people *have* affairs so thay can feel younger!
quankanne Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 hate to say it, but everything you've written about what he says and how he acts is one HUGE RED FLAG – he's interested only in controlling you, and will do everything in his power to make you believe your whole life has been leading up to this, a chance to be with him even as he is legally and morally committed to another. mind you, I think it's pretty much a natural thing for a person to fantasize about a past love interest, but it's a whole other ball of wax attempting to act on that fantasy. ask yourself this: as appealing as your ex is, will it be worth walking away from trust and love your husband has for you? Will you be able to live without his respect? Will you be able to look yourself in the eye or hold yourself proudly after cheating? Is this man worth making yourself heartsick over? Most importantly, is this the kind of person you want to identify yourself as, someone who is unable to uphold a vow to be true to that person who vowed to be true to you? this isn't intended to be harsh, just an honest survey of your beliefs and the consequences of possible future actions. Like I said, I can't think of anyone who hasn't fantasized about another, or who has out of anger wanted to hurt their partner, but thinking about it is waaaayyyyy different from acting on it. try this: when you hear his voice and you feel weakened, flip on a switch to your husband's voice. I think it's gonna strike you that your husband's is the one that rings true ... hugs, quank
Author stillafool Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 :laugh: :laugh: Oh Adunaphel, you had me crying with laughter reading your post because you are so right now that (I've showered and washed him right out of my hair) I read your post!!! You know him so well. Well, I won't even tell him my husband's name. He does not have my email address (I almost gave it him but didn't) and the only phone number he has is on one of my business lines that no one answers but me. I've basically decided that I am going to tell the MM I am not coming out there, I love my H and wouldn't do anything to hurt him and I really don't see any need in further communication and hang up the phone on him. I'd really like to get it over with but I will not call him and say that or he will think I was looking for an excuse to hear his voice. If and when he calls again I will tell him. He wouldn't really cause trouble for me because he doesn't want me to do the same for him (though she's probably use to him doing this to her) but I could make trouble for him in other ways because he's well known in his city. I just think I have to have the "balls" or should I say "ovaries" to stand up to him and be a woman instead of the girl who use to idolize him. I'm like you too Adunaphel, when I'm upset I can't talk until I think things out. I hope you feel better soon. Why don't you take a hot bath and have a nice cup of tea? Remember though, as long as you feel down he has the power. As long as you feel the way you do now he is happy. Thank you quank, it feels better to know that my fantasizing about him is somewhat normal. You are right about him making me think everything in my life has been leading up to and back to him. It's so funny you said that because I had thought that. Glad to know if you saw that it shows me it's only another illusion.
ronnieromance Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 Wow, stillafool...Tough place to be! I have a woman I still think about too...They don't call me RonnieRomance for nothing! LOL Your lawyer friend is, from what you describe, like a lot of male friends are/were. He sounds like he should just get a fling account and dispense with the intimacy. Bottom line for me, though, is that in my world karma exists. Put yourself in the other parties shoes and then decide. -R-
Author stillafool Posted May 29, 2006 Author Posted May 29, 2006 Okay, I wasnt' going to fly to L.A. to visit him,but he was to call me 2 weeks ago to find out for sure and I haven't heard from him. It is driving me crazy as to why he didn't call me back. Even though I should be happy he didn't and get on with this NC thing. I guess my feelings are hurt.
movinon05 Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Okay, I wasnt' going to fly to L.A. to visit him,but he was to call me 2 weeks ago to find out for sure and I haven't heard from him. It is driving me crazy as to why he didn't call me back. Even though I should be happy he didn't and get on with this NC thing. I guess my feelings are hurt. Seems to me he wasn't really honest about wanting you there and didn't want to encourage you. Another leading you on type thing.
Author stillafool Posted May 29, 2006 Author Posted May 29, 2006 you are absolutely right, but why would he do that? I never told him I wanted to come.
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