Repairing relationships

[EndoftheRope]

Am I crazy?

 

I have an in-law who behaved so badly to me as a guest in my house that she has never been welcome back. (She lives 7,000 miles away, so it's not actually like I went out of my way to keep her out.)

 

Said behavior resulted in severe consequences, including, but nowhere near limited to, thousands of dollars of debt, great and apparently permanent damage to my marriage, and sending my children to live with my parents for a summer. For an encore, she spent a few years sending a box full of presents every Christmas for only my husband and kids, just to make sure I knew what she thought of me. (And no, I really didn't do anything to deserve all of this. H is from overseas, and I think she realized her brother was never coming 'home' and took it out on me, as the evil woman who took him away.)

 

While my husband knows how I feel about her I have actually never retaliated against her in any way. I have never done or said a thing to her. I have never, in speaking with her mother or aunt, talked about her. She, in turn, has never acknowledged her behavior or its consequences, and has never apologized in any way, shape, or form. Yet H and his family have very clearly taken the attitude of if only *I* would just try to get along....! Both he and his mother have strongly hinted that if I would just 'speak civilly,' although I have never spoken un-civilly to her, and although they have never taken her aside and suggested maybe she try apologizing or in some way repairing what she herself damaged.

 

Okay, am I crazy, or, in the course of normal human relations, is it normal that if someone does wrong and causes damage, that the relationship CANNOT just miraculously be okay, but that there needs to be some taking responsibility, some acknowledgement, some apology, some amends, some something?

 

Am I crazy, or shouldn't it be obvious to most people, that you can't just waltz through life leaving a trail of wreckage and expect everyone else to come to you seeking to repair the relationship you yourself destroyed? This is what they are expecting of me, and they are holding it against me that I do not repair what she damaged.

 

With some insight from a LS member, I realize I am dealing with adult children of alcoholics. I always knew my fil drank, but never thought how it might have affected H or his sister or my marriage. Some of the traits listed on the ACoA website include this blind loyalty to family (or origin, not of marriage!) and not knowing what normal is.

 

Is there any way to actually succinctly explain and get these people to understand that this is not normal, to expect other people to just keep smiling and not be affected by someone's destructive behavior??? And that it is not normal to blame others for having some feelings about the behavior but not hold accountable the one who did the behavior??? All this seems so obvious to me that I'm having a hard time boiling it down succinctly.

 

I really feel like I'm in Wonderland with this family. Is there any dealing with people like this? Should I even try?

[Walk]

Is there any way to actually succinctly explain and get these people to understand that this is not normal, to expect other people to just keep smiling and not be affected by someone's destructive behavior??? And that it is not normal to blame others for having some feelings about the behavior but not hold accountable the one who did the behavior??? All this seems so obvious to me that I'm having a hard time boiling it down succinctly.

 

I really feel like I'm in Wonderland with this family. Is there any dealing with people like this? Should I even try?

I'm curious how your husband feels about this. What's he said about it?

 

You also said his family is from oversea's. Possibly a difference in cultural aspects combined with the alcohol problem? Cultural differences can lead to arguments and bad feelings if both people can't understand why the other would act in such a way. Combine that with a distorting of acceptable behavior. If it's possible to understand the cultural difference that may have contributed to the problem, this might lessen the animosity between you and the family. Not sure if that applies though..

 

No parent wants to believe their child is the one causing the problems. Past experience has taught me that no amount of insisting they see the flaws in their family is going to work. The more you argue, the more they'll see you as the "bad" person in all this.

 

Highly doubtful you'll ever get an apology out of this person. You may just need to accept that she has a sever problem. View her as someone with a disease. Accept she is like this, set ground rules in interacting with her, and don't react when she attempts to incite you. Don't limit H's access to her, even by implying you don't like her. No emotional blackmail against your H. If it affects your marriage, speak to your H about the effects his visits have, but don't say it's because of the sister, only that after visiting with her there are problems. If he chooses not to do anything about it, then you're stuck. But attmpeting to control the situation won't make things better. Causes resentment. You can control how often you see and interact with this person, but not your husbands interaction with her or the rest of his family.

 

Those are my suggestions. Obviously I don't know the full story, or every detail, so many of these might not be applicable.

[EndoftheRope]

I'm curious how your husband feels about this. What's he said about it?

From the little he says when it comes up, it is clear that he feels if she "felt" unwelcome, then, regardless of the many facts I give showing everything I did to try to welcome her... her feelings are trumps, and I am guilty. (My feelings, I might add, do not get nearly so much serious consideration and concern from him.) He feels I should "do something," but cannot give me an answer as to what that would be, and has never once suggested to his sister that she do something to resolve this.

 

No parent wants to believe their child is the one causing the problems. Past experience has taught me that no amount of insisting they see the flaws in their family is going to work. The more you argue, the more they'll see you as the "bad" person in all this.

This is exactly why I have said nothing to my mil in all these years. I guess it's good to know I've done something right, regardless of what they all think.

 

Highly doubtful you'll ever get an apology out of this person. You may just need to accept that she has a sever problem. View her as someone with a disease. Accept she is like this, set ground rules in interacting with her, and don't react when she attempts to incite you. Don't limit H's access to her, even by implying you don't like her. No emotional blackmail against your H. If it affects your marriage, speak to your H about the effects his visits have, but don't say it's because of the sister, only that after visiting with her there are problems. If he chooses not to do anything about it, then you're stuck. But attmpeting to control the situation won't make things better. Causes resentment. You can control how often you see and interact with this person, but not your husbands interaction with her or the rest of his family.

 

I have done most of this, except that H knows well I don't like her. I have encouraged him to call and visit with the kids (a big deal in time, money, and other ways, when we're talking going overseas) and supported him entirely on that, and he still thinks I'm in the wrong. You're right that I have absolutely no control over the situation and trying to have even as little control as defending myself (which of course he sees as an attack on her) only makes it worse. However, his behavior is causing a great deal of resentment on my part.

 

It seems the only choices I have in the matter are to suck it up and accept that his first loyalty is to his family.

[VegasFan]

I deal with pretty much the same thing, but not quite as severe a situation as whatever your sister in law did. My SIL is obesely fat, has a hostile man-hating personality, blames everyone for her problems, and has little to no intelligence to boot. Her parents and sister (my wife) will sometimes call her on her behavior, but if anyone outside the immediate family says anything about her behavior look out, they'll jump up like they're on springs to defend her. It's sad and pathetic really. I don't think you can ever expect any kind of apology from her or acknowledgement of her wrongdoing from your husband. Sorry but that's my experience. Good luck.

[Walk]

If your SIL really did feel unwelcome, then it doesnt' matter how much you push the welcoming things you did. By stating that she shouldn't feel that way because you did X, Y, and Z, then you are invalidating her feelings. In which case, she feels hurt and clings harder to her feelings re-iterating that they are justified. Whereas a little goodwill sometimes will break the pattern and allow the other person to step out of the mindset of hurt in order to see the reality of the situation. The worst you have to face by extending the first hand of forgiveness is a little dent to your ego. If her response is to rub your face in it, then from that point forward cut her from your life. But at this point I feel (and completely my opinion based only on what you've written in your posts) you are not open to the possibility of there being two sides to this, that you are placing a majority of the responsibility for dealing with this on your husbands shoulders, and are unwilling to risk a small amount of ego in order to resolve this.

 

Your husband, who I agree isn't handling this very well, is caught in a bind. His loyalty to his family and his loyalty to you are at odds. It seems as if you are feeling as though his first loyalty is to his family. But I don't see that. He's honored your wishes and seems as though he's attempting to stay within the bounds that you have set. He's trying to comprimise. I realize you probably feel angry at him for not backing you up in this, but it seems to me that he's attemtping to keep everyone happy, and pretty much failing at it. I think he could really use a hand in this, or some leeway. Yet no one's giving it. Definitely not his sister, and although you're really trying to be accepting of his association with his sister, he knows you're not happy and you're still pretty angry about this. So although you say it's he goes and visits, he knows it's going to cause problems with you later.

 

If you were him, what would you do? Would you ostricize your family for your husband if situations were reversed? If you felt your sister/brother had truly felt unwelcomed, yet known your husband had tried his hardest to welcome him/her... who would you side with? Would you easily choose one over the other?

If you can honestly say the sister is a liar and making things up, then stand your ground. But if she isn't normally this way, then what caused it this time?

[Walk]

double post...

[EndoftheRope]

If your SIL really did feel unwelcome, then it doesnt' matter how much you push the welcoming things you did. By stating that she shouldn't feel that way because you did X, Y, and Z, then you are invalidating her feelings. In which case, she feels hurt and clings harder to her feelings re-iterating that they are justified.

A fair point. Had it been just her feelings hurt, I think I would be fine with apologizing THAT she felt unwelcome. There is, at a certain point, however, a question of what exactly I'm apologizing for, as I went to great extremes to do everything for her visit and accommodate her every wish.

 

And here's one of my problems: the double standards. I do understand and even agree with what you're saying to a large extent. The problem is that H takes this attitude toward her feelings (her feelings are sacred), but mine are dismissed with ridicule. H seems to feel that I am responsible for her feelings regardless of all I did to make her feel welcome; and that I am also solely responsible for my feelings despite her behavior and she is given a pass. This double standard is one of the things that makes me feel his first loyalty is to his family.

 

So although you say it's he goes and visits, he knows it's going to cause problems with you later.

Actually, it doesn't. We just don't talk about her when he comes back. It's the situation and his attitude in general-- that I should have done, and should now do, something differently, and yet he can't tell me what--that is the problem.

 

If you were him, what would you do? Would you ostricize your family for your husband if situations were reversed? If you felt your sister/brother had truly felt unwelcomed, yet known your husband had tried his hardest to welcome him/her... who would you side with? Would you easily choose one over the other?

I would have been shocked and horrified had my sister behaved and treated my husband that way. I would have told her I'm sorry you felt that way, but have you considered the things that have been done for you while you're here? I know my husband's character well enough to know he wanted you here and did everything he could for you. We are a unit, and I would like my husband to be treated respectfully. When you can do that, we'd love to have you again. Yes, because I love(d) my husband and had great faith in him, I would easily have taken his side, without hesitation. I believe very strongly that, in general, spouses owe each other loyalty and defense and trust, and, yes, I would have given that to my husband.

[EndoftheRope]

If your SIL really did feel unwelcome, then it doesnt' matter how much you push the welcoming things you did. By stating that she shouldn't feel that way because you did X, Y, and Z, then you are invalidating her feelings. In which case, she feels hurt and clings harder to her feelings re-iterating that they are justified.

A fair point. Had it been just her feelings hurt, I think I would be fine with apologizing THAT she felt unwelcome. There is, at a certain point, however, a question of what exactly I'm apologizing for, as I went to great extremes to do everything for her visit and accommodate her every wish. My problem is with her behavior, H's defense of her behavior, and his criticism of me which I most definitely did not deserve.

 

And here's one of my problems: the double standards. I do understand and even agree with what you're saying about feelings to a large extent. The problem is that H takes this attitude toward her feelings (her feelings are sacred), but mine are dismissed with ridicule. H seems to feel that I am responsible for her feelings regardless of all I did to make her feel welcome; and that I am also solely responsible for my feelings despite her behavior and she is given a pass. This double standard is one of the things that makes me feel his first loyalty is to his family.

 

So although you say it's he goes and visits, he knows it's going to cause problems with you later.

Actually, it doesn't. We just don't talk about her when he comes back. It's the situation and his attitude in general: that I should have done, and should now do, something differently, and yet he can't tell me what--that is the problem.

 

If you were him, what would you do? Would you ostricize your family for your husband if situations were reversed? If you felt your sister/brother had truly felt unwelcomed, yet known your husband had tried his hardest to welcome him/her... who would you side with? Would you easily choose one over the other?

I would have been shocked and horrified had my sister behaved and treated my husband that way. I would have told her I'm sorry you felt that way, but have you considered the things that have been done for you while you're here? I know my husband's character well enough to know he wanted you here and did everything he could for you. We are a unit, and I would like my husband to be treated respectfully. When you can do that, we'd love to have you again. Yes, because I love(d) my husband and had great faith in him, I would easily have taken his side, without hesitation. I believe very strongly that, in general, spouses owe each other loyalty and defense and trust, and, yes, I would have given that to my husband.

 

I guess it gets back to that the real issue is with H.

[EndoftheRope]

By the way-- thanks for taking the time to talk with me about this.