Juggs Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 So, after 8 years together, 3 of which married, my husband wants a divore.... We've had major communication issues for a few years and most recently, I got pregnant then my husband had an affair and now wants a divorce... Swears it has nothing to do with the affair but funny how the timing works out and how he refuses to stop talking to her.... they are "just friends" now.... So.... Here I am, a month after giving birth to my first and likely only child faced with divorce and being a single parent. He swears we can still be a family and travel together and such.... he still loves me and is attracted to me so he says.... he acts like there's nothing wrong when I come home from work.... but yet he wants a divorce... I have chosen to move out this weekend as I can't take the mixed signals and I can not take the rage I go into whenever I see him IMing with her or text messaging with her... I think he should dump the ho and try to see what happens over the next year and see if we can fix this for our daughter's sake... after 8 yers, he seems to be in a big hurry to end this now.... I'm so confused, hurt, scared, depressed.... Just don't know what to think or feel any more.... I know I don't want to get a divorce then act like we're still married, just that he's free to date now.... It will kill me.... but he says I am being selfish by saying that if we divorce he goes his way and I go mine and he can visit with his daughter whenever he chooses.... This is the very last thing I ever expected to have to deal with when I saw the plus sign on the pregnancy test.... This was not an unexpected pregnancy, we had been trying for a year to get pregnant.... He met the woman he had the affair with on a cruise we both went on with friends... I know she isn't our only problem, but it's the one that cuts the deepest... Any input, insight, advise....anything.... would be welome at this point.
Curmudgeon Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 How too bad. I can think of lots of less than complimentary ways to characterize him but I think I'll refrain. Suffice it to say, you and your child deserve ever so much better. How should you feel? Probably about the way you do now, hurt, scared, depressed, upset, helpless, hopeless, angry, bitter, confused, and more. What should you do? Concentrate on you, the baby and a healthy pregnancy and delivery. Get in touch with family and friends, tell then what's going on and don't be too proud to accept whatever help and support you need. When you're able, plan on how you're going to support and take care of yourself and your child and don't count on him for a thing. His "plans" are all about him and I think he's an unreliable jerk. Don't expect a thing from him. When you have no expectations, you can never be disappointed. I'm really sorry this is happening to you and YOUR baby.
Alexandra Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Is couples' therapy not an option? If the answer is "no" I strongly urge you to find a counselor for yourself at least. You are dealing with a lot of things, some of which you seem to have accepted as normal despite how they are heavily dysfunctional and the next following months will be essential for your mental well being especially with how a pregnancy is a trying time in itself. I can't say this enough, get professional help, please.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 I'd recommend to you that you buy and read a copy of Surviving An Affair by Harley. Also read a copy of Love Must Be Tough by Dobson, and The Five Love Languages by Chapman. You are more powerful than you know. There's ALOT you can do to bust this affair up. While you're reading, I think it's wise to be sweet and to keep the lines of communications open. This will confuse him, and keep him guessing about you. Meantime, expose his affair to all the important people in his life, anybody who has influence over him. It'll p*ss him off, but it won't affect the outcome of the marriage. IOW, if he's going to come back....he'll come back anyhow. It's not your job to sweep his dirt up under the rug. If the OW has a spouse or significant other, expose the affair to them too. This will cause stress in her life, and force the affair out into the light of day. It's not quite as romantic when all your important people know you're just a run-of-the-mill adulterer. And don't negotiate on the exposure either. Don't tell him you're doing it. Just get it all done in one fell swoop before he can try to bargain with you. After you've read Surviving An Affair, you'll understand better why it's important to be attractive and approachable here in the beginning of your campaign, and why it's important to not cover up the affair. You're setting him up, and teaching him that you're still a great person, but that you're not going to be disrespected. A few months down the road, you'll withdraw and he'll feel a vacuum effect in his life, an empty space that used to be filled with YOU. That'll give him pause, because no matter what else OW is....she's not uniquely you.
Mistaken Identity Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Don't put up with his mistreatment of you. It sounds like he wants two women. It seems, too, that men have a habit of disappearing--either physically and/ore emotionally--when their women get pregnant. My STBXH did it quite a few times. This thing with the OW probably won't last. And you may not want him when his affair is over. Be strong.
dorothys Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 My story is very similar, except without the affair. I am going through a divorce after 1yr of marriage. We had a new baby in February, and that same day my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. Quite a shock I must admit, things weren’t going the best but I had no clue. Since he filed for divorce he has become more clingy and loving. We still live together by the way, at least until the end of the month. He says he still loves me and freaks out if I don’t say, “ love you” back. I have asked about the possibility of going for counseling, but he says it is too late for that. Still he acts like he is totally in love with me. Text messages me love notes. Puts my pictures up in his office, and wears this wedding ring. When we talked about moving, he suggested that I move to the same apartment complex as him. Isn’t that weird?? At first I was devastated about the marriage breaking up, but now I am looking forward to moving. His mixed messages are driving me crazy. Any suggestions on how I should handle this situation? I must add that an affair is not a possibility. We spend every waking moment together, and that is not an exaggeration. Also I must add that he is a 100% devoted father. Our daughter is his whole world, and he filed for shared custody of her.
Alexandra Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 I have asked about the possibility of going for counseling, but he says it is too late for that. There's no such thing as "too late" when it comes to getting professional help.
dorothys Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 I don't think it is too late for counseling, but he does. Can't really get him to save this marriage if he doesn't want too. But I am confused by his behavior. Does anybody have suggestions what to do or what is going on?
Touche Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 How too bad. I can think of lots of less than complimentary ways to characterize him but I think I'll refrain. Suffice it to say, you and your child deserve ever so much better. How should you feel? Probably about the way you do now, hurt, scared, depressed, upset, helpless, hopeless, angry, bitter, confused, and more. What should you do? Concentrate on you, the baby and a healthy pregnancy and delivery. Get in touch with family and friends, tell then what's going on and don't be too proud to accept whatever help and support you need. When you're able, plan on how you're going to support and take care of yourself and your child and don't count on him for a thing. His "plans" are all about him and I think he's an unreliable jerk. Don't expect a thing from him. When you have no expectations, you can never be disappointed. I'm really sorry this is happening to you and YOUR baby. Very good solid advice here except for one thing. "Don't expect a thing from him." and "Don't count on him for a thing." NO! You have a RIGHT under the law to expect him to help support the child that you had together. Do not let him walk away from his financial responsibilities to you and your new baby. I just had to mention it because maybe it's obvious but when you're under such emotional turmoil it may not be. You need a good lawyer. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Please do give marriage counseling a chance for the sake of the baby. maybe your husband is just confused? but do talk to a lawyer if there is alot of money at stake. I'd definitely recommend reading a book or two on how to handle an infidelity problem. Know that you are not the only person going through this. here on LS, there are many, many of you!
Mistaken Identity Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 It sounds like these men don't want to grow up. Maybe they are terrified of responsibility. Is this a possibility?
dorothys Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 Mistaken Identity- You might be right about in my case. My husband filed for divorce from his first wife after only about 2yrs of marriage. They had a one-year-old son at the time. He seems better able to commit to parenthood, than marriage. I might add that he is a devoted father to both of his children. I am not ready to give up on this marriage. Please read my earlier posts on this subject. Hopefully, someone can offer some direction or advice. I have tried everything to bring him around including being distant and going with the “flow”.
Mistaken Identity Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Dorothy S: This could be totally crazy, but my gut reaction was that your husband is gay. Is there any way that's possible?
dorothys Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Yes, I am sure my husband is not gay. I think it is some type of commitment issue. He is in love with the idea of marriage, but then he lacks the skills or drive to keep it going. It is like he wants his cake and eat it too. Because of the shared custody we will see each other everyday. How do I get him to come around and see what he is loosing? Right now, he has a win-win situation.
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