In Sync Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Well to start it's officially been 7 months of never having heard from the x. It's been one emotional roller coaster. I finally got to a place where I felt free and over it, and then it stopped. (I never broke NC) but I have often thought about him. For some reason I haven't put this neatly in a box and conquered my recovery fully. I have read that sitting on unexpressed anger (hurt feelings that I never expressed towards him during our relationship) and by sitting on it all of it, that unvented anger has turned to guilt and now all that pent up energy is resurfacing only now I feel sad and depressed..or stuck. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I'm a second behind or have delayed reactions because I'm lost...I keep waiting to feel better and then its like no, I'm not. What is going on? Why can't I let go completely?
Buttaflyy Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 As much as I dont want to say it, the answer is that "time heals all wounds". As lame as it sounds it's true. I've been there for longer than I'd like to admit. Stuck in a limbo trying to get over a guy. And it's also true what u said about not feeling closure because you never expressed to him how u felt. It took me about 3 years to truly get over him. Everytime I thought i was, thought I moved on....NOPE, Wrong! Until one day I realized that I had stopped thinking about him completely. Prior to this he crossed my mind in some way...DAILY. The strange thing is that I didnt want to be with him and I knew I had to end the relationship. I think it was so hard because I did everything so quietly and never told him how badly he was hurting me throughout the relationship. One day you will experience the same thing after you have sorted it all out in your mind. Life goes on and you will find love again.
Chinook Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Sometimes, it's the push and pull of the grieving process. You lost something that was precious to you. There is no shame in feeling sad, hurt, angry, regretful and even guilty at these things. The problem comes when it's an ongoing problem. It's a rollercoaster. One day you go forward 2 steps, then next you come back a step. You'll get there. The only sure thing about this is that you will get there... only thing is, no one can say for sure when. take care of yourself and go easy on yourself. You're a human being, with a heart.. which has taken a beating. It needs some care and attention to heal.
Author In Sync Posted May 5, 2006 Author Posted May 5, 2006 ..... Everytime I thought i was, thought I moved on....NOPE, Wrong! Until one day I realized that I had stopped thinking about him completely. Prior to this he crossed my mind in some way...DAILY. yes, exactly. He still crosses my mind. the whole relationship from good to bad is still there..only I'm not crying and missing him, as I use to..now my feelings are rather on the pissed off at him. But if I'm still pissed I suppose that's an indication that deep down I'm still hurting...I don't know what more I can do to put it behind me. It's like a shadow that follows me, and I'm reminded that my heart has not healed, despite all my accomplishments and achievements..all the things I do or have done...being rejected by him is in the back of my mind...ugh.
bendit Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Patience In_Sync. Patience... give it a few more months of....NC. you are guaranteed to feel fantastic. regards
jerbear Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Here is something that might help. Somewhat passive agressive behavior. Join or learn karate or start punching the punching bag. Goto a place like an arcade and shoot a few things for that unexpressed anger of 7 months.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 yes, exactly. He still crosses my mind. the whole relationship from good to bad is still there..only I'm not crying and missing him, as I use to..now my feelings are rather on the pissed off at him. But if I'm still pissed I suppose that's an indication that deep down I'm still hurting...I don't know what more I can do to put it behind me. It's like a shadow that follows me, and I'm reminded that my heart has not healed, despite all my accomplishments and achievements..all the things I do or have done...being rejected by him is in the back of my mind...ugh. I think you and I are in the same place. Only I still cry about him at least twice a week. Some of that is my very depressed state of mind, and some of it is because my emotions seem to vacillate between anger and longing....back and forth. And I can't seem to find any relief from thinking about him nearly every minute of every day. I know what you mean about it being like a shadow that follows you....it's always there, always reminding you that he's gone, but not out of your heart and mind. I wish I could tell you when these feelings will end, but this is the first time this kind of pain, anger and longing have lasted this long for me. I'm usually ready to move on by now...but somehow this was different. He was different. I think the worst part of all of this is how it's left me feeling about men and relationships in general. I really feel like there is no one on the planet, especially a man, that I could ever trust with my heart again. Men hit on me, and all I can think is, "sure, you say you're a nice guy, but you're just a wolf in sheep's clothing, just like he was. You're going to deceive me and hurt me, just like him." Perhaps I've taken all I can possibly take, and this last hurt was my breaking point. Sorry I don't have any advice other than to tell you that you're not alone.
Author In Sync Posted May 5, 2006 Author Posted May 5, 2006 .... I'm usually ready to move on by now...but somehow this was different. He was different. I think the worst part of all of this is how it's left me feeling about men and relationships in general. I really feel like there is no one on the planet, especially a man, that I could ever trust with my heart again..... Perhaps I've taken all I can possibly take, and this last hurt was my breaking point. This is the closest description of what I'm secretly thinking.... I've read everyones replies, if not once then twice...and each one of you've have a point that I need to onsider...it was just time for me to reveal this secret or struggle I've been having lately. As for starting the punching bag exercise...have done so..even got myself gloves and it does help..my arms look good... I guess I need to keep at .....
Buttaflyy Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 yes, exactly. He still crosses my mind. the whole relationship from good to bad is still there..only I'm not crying and missing him, as I use to..now my feelings are rather on the pissed off at him. But if I'm still pissed I suppose that's an indication that deep down I'm still hurting...I don't know what more I can do to put it behind me. It's like a shadow that follows me, and I'm reminded that my heart has not healed, despite all my accomplishments and achievements..all the things I do or have done...being rejected by him is in the back of my mind...ugh. Your're right! You are still hurting and angry and that is part of the reason that you (we) seem to prolong the healing process. Rejection has a way of making you insecure and doubtful of yourself. This is why I think that it is very important that you stroke your own ego as much as possible. Love yourself and realize that you desrve better! You will soon feel better too.
shelters Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Hi In Sinc, This has already been said, but have patience with yourself. I have been in love twice in my life (my recent ex being the 2nd time). My first love relationship ended 9 years ago. Because the grief process is never linear it is hard for me to say when I 'got over' that relationship. I would say looking back it was around 2 yrs after the break-up with the last year filled with months where I wouldn't think of him at all and then suddenly I'd be thinking of him for a couple weeks- that sort of thing. But y'know what? There are so many positives that I got from that heartbreak. Specifically, I have oodles of compassion for people in general. It made me a better sister, friend, daughter, etc. I will be a better mother and wife because of it. It helped me to grow as a person and refine who I want in a life partner (because we have to take responsibility for the types of partners we are attracted to). I could go and on. Whenever you are ready to look for your own personal positives from your heartbreak you will find them. The shift in mindset from what-I-lost to what-I-gained is something that helped/helps me bigtime. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but the Universe is abundant in love.
Author In Sync Posted May 5, 2006 Author Posted May 5, 2006 Your're right! You are still hurting and angry and that is part of the reason that you (we) seem to prolong the healing process. Rejection has a way of making you insecure and doubtful of yourself. This is why I think that it is very important that you stroke your own ego as much as possible. Love yourself and realize that you desrve better! You will soon feel better too. The more I peel away the more I see one more truth after another..I am angry at myself. I'm angry at myself for not protecting myself from an abusive person, I'm angry at myself for exposing me to such a toxic relationship...like I should have known better..I'm angry at myself for not being stronger. Now and Then. So it's thoughts like these that stand in my way of self love. On the otherhand I do pamper myself when it gets out of control. I'm planning a vacation, I buy myself that special fragrance ..I continue to pursue my goals..still..I guess in a nutsehll I feel like two intense feelings are battling inside me..My will to love myself more. Believe in my self-worth vs. Fighting against the lack of self-worthy images I bought into by his words and rejections.. Damn I'm a mess today!
KittenMoon Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Sorry you're feeling so down, In Sync. The "limbo" feeling is awful. I keep thinking it's more like Purgatory, with us punishing ourselves. It's hard to avoid toxic relationships in life, in any area. I have had many toxic friendships, the latest of which was my ex's female friend who I loathe now for still being able to see him and hang with him while I can't. I wish every day that these sort of toxic people get their due (but then I kinda hate myself because I had one toxic friend in high school who really did have some awful things happen to her so I hate having wished her ill) You should forgive yourself, not him. Not all that glitters is gold, right? That doesn't stop it from glittering and interesting us. Try not to tell yourself you CAN'T trust anyone again- if you don't dwell on it it will just happen.
Buttaflyy Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 The more I peel away the more I see one more truth after another..I am angry at myself. I'm angry at myself for not protecting myself from an abusive person, I'm angry at myself for exposing me to such a toxic relationship...like I should have known better..I'm angry at myself for not being stronger. Now and Then. So it's thoughts like these that stand in my way of self love. On the otherhand I do pamper myself when it gets out of control. I'm planning a vacation, I buy myself that special fragrance ..I continue to pursue my goals..still..I guess in a nutsehll I feel like two intense feelings are battling inside me..My will to love myself more. Believe in my self-worth vs. Fighting against the lack of self-worthy images I bought into by his words and rejections.. Damn I'm a mess today! OMG! It sounds like I am talking to myself!! Meaning that I know exactly what it is that you're experiencing right now. Know this... You have the support of many sisters who have been through (going through) the same exact thing. I'm telling you that I know all about self doubt!! That was the hardest thing to get passed, but as someone previously stated, take this as a learning lesson. Two things can come from this...It can make you wiser and stronger, or it can make you carry this baggage into your future relationships. I fortunately was able to gain wisdom from my situation and now can identify true love. Don't let this spoil you into being a scorned woman. I sat around for years thinking that it was my fault for being taken by that a**h***. I was so blinded by "love" for this guy at the time, that I let him use me in every sense of the word. Especially, financially, and it took time for me to recover from those loses. But I know that all in all, my generosity wasn't the bad part of it all. My kind heart is a good quality in me, that in the right hands, will be appreciated. He on the other hand was an abuser and GOD will deal with him. Be strong! Don't feel as if you are to blame! Learn from this and you will be just fine.
dgiirl Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Insync, you're not alone. I wish I had some advice, but I still think about the jerk on a daily basis. I think maybe instead of beating yourself up over the fact that you're not over it, just accept that it's OK to not be over it. As long as you are still living your life and going out and having fun, then it's OK to still grieve. It takes a while for all the negative feelings to be emptied out of our system, and i dont think our body can handle it being emptied out all in one shot, so it empties just enough, then takes a break, then empties just a little more, then takes a break, etc. As long as you are still being productive and finding little random moments of happiness, then you are doing your job. Let time take care of the rest. As for fear of trusting another person, I dont know how to deal with that. It's one of my major issues right now, and I often cry because I fear that I would allow myself to never get invovled with another person. But it takes time to trust people. Just the other day I was thinking how I put in SOOO much time thinking about my ex and here is my coworker who treats me really well and actually makes me feel a lot better than my ex does the few times we talk. I'm obsessed with little crumbs my ex gives me, and here's a really nice guy who wants to get to know me better. What the hell is wrong with me for wanting my ex and not this guy? *shrug* Just be patient.
Numbheart Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 and here's a really nice guy who wants to get to know me better. What the hell is wrong with me for wanting my ex and not this guy? *shrug* Just be patient. Nothing to do with the person, (you or him) just timing, thats all
Author In Sync Posted May 5, 2006 Author Posted May 5, 2006 ...Two things can come from this...It can make you wiser and stronger, or it can make you carry this baggage into your future relationships. I fortunately was able to gain wisdom from my situation and now can identify true love. Don't let this spoil you into being a scorned woman. I sat around for years thinking that it was my fault for being taken by that a**h***...Don't feel as if you are to blame! Learn from this and you will be just fine. One lesson that I have already taken from this is never underestimate the personal damage we do to ourselves by maintaining a relationship with an extrememly toxic (in my case a verbally abusive) person. To walk away from it. Pronto. It's like trying to get the mud off my soul and spirit. I've gotten alot of healthy and positive advise today and I must admit I have been hard on myself with expectations of thinking I should done and beyond this. You've guys have made me see that I'm not alone..(there have been times that I literally walk down the street and want to ask strangers..Hey have you ever gone through this crap?? Am I the only one who's felt like this for so long??) Ok, so I haven't actually done it but I was this close to doing it.
jerbear Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 As for starting the punching bag exercise...have done so..even got myself gloves and it does help..my arms look good... I guess I need to keep at ..... Nice arms... In regards to talking to strangers, makes us more human and trust our fellow humans. It was a step for me, most of the strangers I've bumped into did experience my issues and even gave advice and the final outcome of their issues.
Author In Sync Posted May 6, 2006 Author Posted May 6, 2006 ... this limbo place is worse than the actual initial shock of when he broke it off...at least in that stage I could identify exactly why I was hurt. Now it's just my mind asking the same question over and over and trying to come to terms with the fact that to someone I once loved is gone, they cut themslves out of my life because I was no longer viable. Wow.
Chinook Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Two things can come from this...It can make you wiser and stronger, or it can make you carry this baggage into your future relationships. I think this statement said right in the middle of a big paragraph is really important. The thing you should think about is what can you take away from the relationship... some day, you're going to go into a new relationship. Someday you're going to meet someone worthy of your love, trust, honour and respect. Please think about the things which shape you as a person. What things do you need to take away from this break-up with your ex which will shape you into a better person, a more positive person, a person capable of trusting and giving of themself...? This life...? Everything we do...? It's all pointless if you don't do it 100%. It's all pointless if you don't put your heart and soul into every single relationship and interaction you have. Even just with friends. Everything else is just time wasting. So why waste your precious time and someone elses carrying baggage and crap that neither need..? Why waste your time holding onto stuff which hurt you when you can also use that hurt to make you so much better and more worthy than your ex ever deserved. The harsh fact is, someone walked away. BUT an even truer fact is, that someone else will NOT walk away and will LOVE, honour and respect you for exactly who you are. You need to make sure you're ready to meet that challenge - so you don't fail yourself and you ensure that you give yourself the BEST opportunity.
Author In Sync Posted May 6, 2006 Author Posted May 6, 2006 This life...? Everything we do...? It's all pointless if you don't do it 100%. It's all pointless if you don't put your heart and soul into every single relationship and interaction you have. Even just with friends. Everything else is just time wasting. So why waste your precious time and someone elses carrying baggage and crap that neither need..? Why waste your time holding onto stuff which hurt you when you can also use that hurt to make you so much better and more worthy than your ex ever deserved. The harsh fact is, someone walked away. BUT an even truer fact is, that someone else will NOT walk away and will LOVE, honour and respect you for exactly who you are. You need to make sure you're ready to meet that challenge - so you don't fail yourself and you ensure that you give yourself the BEST opportunity. Thank you for that Chinook..Thank you, All.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 The harsh fact is, someone walked away. BUT an even truer fact is, that someone else will NOT walk away and will LOVE, honour and respect you for exactly who you are. Maybe in fairytales, movies and romance novels, but that's not how it always works out for a great many people.
Chinook Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Maybe in fairytales, movies and romance novels, but that's not how it always works out for a great many people. There is nothing remotely romantic about trusting someone else and taking that chance. You can't do that if you're holding onto hurt, bitterness, regret and anger from a previous relationship. Sad fact is, what is past is past. It's how you deal with the future, YOUR future which matters. The person who walked away certainly doesn't care about it. I agree, that romance isn't all fairytales and light and I learnt that the hard way. But it still remains that if you want that love, respect and honour, you have to be able to give it too. Yes, some things don't work out... but they don't work out for a reason. In my experience that reason is more often than not inside the reasoning of the dumper... nothing to do with what a dumped person did or did not do.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 In my experience that reason is more often than not inside the reasoning of the dumper... nothing to do with what a dumped person did or did not do. Thank you for saying that Chinook. I really needed to hear that, because it's so hard not to feel like "if I was only good enough, they would still be with me". I am slowly getting my confidence back. Doing little things to make me feel better, and pretty. Got a sexy haircut today, and have been working hard to exercise (as much as I can with a bum knee) to get that adrenline and seratonin going. I know that I have a ways to go yet in order to get over the bitterness and cynical thinking about love and men in general. I guess time does heal....but it seems slower for me now than in the past.
Chinook Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Thank you for saying that Chinook. I really needed to hear that, because it's so hard not to feel like "if I was only good enough, they would still be with me". I am slowly getting my confidence back. Doing little things to make me feel better, and pretty. Got a sexy haircut today, and have been working hard to exercise (as much as I can with a bum knee) to get that adrenline and seratonin going. I know that I have a ways to go yet in order to get over the bitterness and cynical thinking about love and men in general. I guess time does heal....but it seems slower for me now than in the past. You're very welcome lady. As I said, when a relationship ends it's because of a specific reason. Of course as human beings we're crap at telling the truth. We hide behind assumptions that he have about our partners and we tell them 'it was this reason', leaving that person in the position of thinking and feeling like they could have done more. When, the actual fact is, they couldn't have done any more... the person doing the dumping is reacting to their own internal desires, feelings, intuitions etc. The person doing the dumping rarely thinks about how the person being dumped may actually be feeling. Sure, they know they feel bad but hey, people get hurt all the time right..? The classic one is 'its not you, its me' and then they don't qualify that statement - so the person who is dumped thinks 'well, how wasn't I good enough?' When in actual fact, all the dumper needs to say is 'actually, I cannot give you what you need. I cannot continue in this relationship because MY feelings changed... nothing you did or said, changed them'. Obviously if it's infidelity then it's obvious WHY the feelings changed. The problem is, people rarely take care when dumping someone - they rarely make the effort to ensure that they hurt that person as little as possible.
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