rossm Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 I'm a MM who has been having a short affiar (a few months) with a MW. My relationship with wife has slowly deteriorated over the past 8 years, but I wasn't looking to have an affair. The affiar found me. OW was having major marital difficulties and was looking around for what else was out there. She came across me by accident, we really hit it off, both emotionally and physically. Our feelings for each other are very strong, but we each do not want to leave our spouses. We spend a lot of time IMing, occasionally talk on the phone, and get together discretely on a regular basis for coffee or drinks or intimacy. best friend of OW is also having an affair, but is using it as a tool against her husband (she conveniently left clues for him to find out). Their marriage is now on the rocks (probably by design), it is ugly, and OW has essentially become the counselor for both sides. Seeing how bad it is for the friends must have brought about the fear of OW losing her own marriage. Yesterday, OW told me that she still loved me, but the guilt had gotten to her. She wants to continue a relationship with me just like we had, but without the sex and intimacy. The classic "let's just just be friends" line. Essentially, OW dumped me. And it hurt, because I still desire her both emotionally and physically. I don't get it. Why keep an affair going but downgrade it to simply an emotional one? Can someone offer insight into this? Also, and the big question. Can we "just be friends" now that we've crossed the line? Will I get over my physical desires for her? She claims to still have them also, but the guilt is keeping them in check. I still care about her, but she really hurt me. She expects everything to be the same as before, just without the intimacy. But in talking with her since she dropped the bomb, it doesn't feel the same to me.
miho Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 hmmm...i think very difficult on your part to be just friends, almost impossible and pointless. you want sex with her, don't you? unless the whole affair had started off without sex, just emotional. i think she is selfish, she had enough fun, started to fell guilty and wants to end the sex part now, and left you there hanging. i think you could only accept it and leave her, don't be friends with her or you will feel more hurt. just take it that your girlfriend has dumped you, is very hurting, i understand.
Grizzly Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 The short answer is no way on God's green earth. What you've done is ALWAYS going to be between you. Read the book Not "Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., for a thorough examination of the problem. You would also benefit from reading Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. He goes into detail on why affair partners can never again see each other at all.
Fun2BMe Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 I think it will be too difficult for you to only be friends without the intimacy. It seems as though she is afraid her husband will find out just like her best friend's did and needs a break. Cut her off completely until she decides to include the intimacy back into the relationship. It will be easier not to see her at all than to see her and want more than what she is willing to give to you.
xxrubyredxx Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 I'm a MM who has been having a short affiar (a few months) with a MW. My relationship with wife has slowly deteriorated over the past 8 years, but I wasn't looking to have an affair. The affiar found me. OW was having major marital difficulties and was looking around for what else was out there. She came across me by accident, we really hit it off, both emotionally and physically. Our feelings for each other are very strong, but we each do not want to leave our spouses. We spend a lot of time IMing, occasionally talk on the phone, and get together discretely on a regular basis for coffee or drinks or intimacy. best friend of OW is also having an affair, but is using it as a tool against her husband (she conveniently left clues for him to find out). Their marriage is now on the rocks (probably by design), it is ugly, and OW has essentially become the counselor for both sides. Seeing how bad it is for the friends must have brought about the fear of OW losing her own marriage. Yesterday, OW told me that she still loved me, but the guilt had gotten to her. She wants to continue a relationship with me just like we had, but without the sex and intimacy. The classic "let's just just be friends" line. Essentially, OW dumped me. And it hurt, because I still desire her both emotionally and physically. I don't get it. Why keep an affair going but downgrade it to simply an emotional one? Can someone offer insight into this? Also, and the big question. Can we "just be friends" now that we've crossed the line? Will I get over my physical desires for her? She claims to still have them also, but the guilt is keeping them in check. I still care about her, but she really hurt me. She expects everything to be the same as before, just without the intimacy. But in talking with her since she dropped the bomb, it doesn't feel the same to me. Theres usually always a motive behind this innocent seeming, 'can we be friends', I think and you've made it blatently obvious in your post, why you'd like to remain friends.......you still want her. Yeah, sure....go ahead and be friends, but you'll be only letting yourself in for an emotional roller coaster ride, IF, the friendship doesn't pan out as you want it too, which is to get back with her. God, how many times have we all heard that one......my marriage was crap and so was OW's......ROFLMAOOOOO!!!!
Trimmer Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Cut her off completely until she decides to include the intimacy back into the relationship. Interesting advice. My advice is to cut her off completely until your divorce and her divorce are both finalized. You are having an affair. I don't have any advice for how to heal or improve your relationship with your OW. What I recommend is to figure out whether you can heal your relationship with your wife. Speaking of whom, do you have any feelings for her? You said you don't want to leave her, why not? You are not only having an affair that (I assume) you are hiding from her, but you are agonizing over the subtleties of whether or not you will be able to continue with your OW as "just friends", and how hurt you are that you can't continue the sexual part of your affair. So back to my question, why don't you want to leave your wife? Unless you've got more to say about her, you seem to have completely given up on her. Why not let her know the truth so she can make her own decision whether to move on and maybe eventually find someone who cares? Maybe you'll find more sympathy or advice for how to handle your A in the OM/OW forum, I don't know. I'm probably sounding pissy here, and I don't mean to be, but your concerns all seem to stem from how to continue handling your affair, with no thought to healing your marriage, or the hurt that you are causing your wife. You do know this won't stay a secret forever, don't you?
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 I am mirroring exactly what Trimmer said. What about your wife? Do you love her? Do you two have children together? If so, have you thought about them and the consquences of your affair on the whole family? Seems right now though that the MW has your attention, your affection and your heart. It's an intense crush, feelings you've not felt in a long time as that is just what happens in long term relationships and marriages, that 'honeymoon phase' doesn't last forever. You are addicted to the feelings this woman brings out in you OR you are really inlove with her...Only you know the answer to that. I don't know. It's obvious that she is not willing to give up her life, all that she knows for you - So take that into account about YOUR own life. Everything that you have now - Kiss it goodbye if you want, but don't get divorced (if that is an option for you) until you give your marriage a real good chance of working. I say, take her lead, end the affair completely, and work on your marriage. There is NO point in being friends with the MW, she will cause you more pain and you won't be able to focus on your wife and give her the love she deserves. Good luck and I hope you take the time to really think about the advice given to you.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Ross, I am a MW in love with a MM. We have not had sex (but we did pretty much everything else). I can understand your 'addiction' to her. I do. But it is partly due not being able to see her as often as you like. A majority of the 'addiction' is due to the fantasies that you create in your head. I hate to tell you this, but you have two choices here: either 1) end the marriage and be with this woman; or 2) several all ties with this woman. These are tough choices but that is the only way to 'cure' yourself.
jonesgirly Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Ross: #1) If your OW is feeling 'guilty', good for her - SHE IS! She has broken the bonds of intimacy and trust that are a true foundation to her marriage. Maybe she realized this, and fearing the loss of her family, has decided its just not worth it. #2) See #1, and you should feel the same way. If you don't, then be honest with both yourself and your wife, and leave your marriage.
Guest Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Buy the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. She is the 'expert' on infidelity, and it will justify the answer to your question - no, you can't just be friends.
Blind Illusion Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 No, you can't be just friends. This doesn't have anything to do with the extramarital aspect here. I'd feel that way if you were simply unmarried lovers. Perhaps, after time...people, later on, possibly could become friends but that's when BOTH parties have stopped yearning for something more. Otherwise, it's torture trying to move a relationship back a level. It's like when people live together and then try to move back to the dating level. What invariably happens is the parties move back together or they break up. It's hard to go backwards in life. I have been there. You start listening to their words for some sign of anything romantic. You start wishing things could be like they used to be. A certain sadness sets in....a void. You keep that void because a little bit is better than nothing, or so you feel, and you claim to settle for friendship only. Deep down that's not what you want though. I should probably listen to my own advice sometimes.
sirjay Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 I am in a similar situation. i had an affair and when she broke up with me, i decided i wanted to leave my long term GF and be with her but she didnt want me to, but said she had also realised how much she loves me and wanted to be "best friends". i had no idea how that could be and could only think she was playing to get me back, having done something similiar the year before. however, after 3 months of making the changes she wanted and leaving the GF, she still wouldnt take me back and we were still just hurting each other more and more so now i have tried to cut it off completely. it doesn't work.
Mz. Pixie Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 No, you really can't be friends under most circumstances........ I was friends with my OM before the affair for eleven years. Because of some legal issues we've had to stay in remote contact- very limited mind you. I have zip, nada, zero feelings for him as a lover. The bloom went off that rose after our fling, my divorce and me getting caught. We were only intimate like two times and it wasn't love, for me at least. It's been over two years since I went down that road, and I'm married again to a wonderful man. He knows that OM and I have to talk to each other rarely and he's okay with it. That's because I tell him everytime OM calls me, etc. Since she called it off with you and it wasn't a mutual thing and you still have feelings for her, I'd say no you can't be friends. Perhaps you could invest some time in your marriage?? How about counseling?
guitar71 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 no friends - that's is BS. you have a wife - end this other thing. all this other stuff is total deceit.
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