RealityCheck Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 Has anyone noticed that "In" or "Since" their A, it has changed them somehow to become different in a sense of.... Hardened Bitter Angry Wiser Less trusting No patience Less tolerance Or anything else other than the above... For me, I do believe I have become wiser for the experience, and a little rough around the edges. Perhaps in time, this will pass.
Walking away Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 Definitely stronger. No doubt about that. AND, I know what I want in a relationship now. I will never settle. NEVER. If a man doesn't measure up to MY standards, he's out. No doubt about it. No bitterness, just thoughts of what might have been. But, they will pass. Time heals all wounds.
Sassy Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 Has anyone noticed that "In" or "Since" their A, it has changed them somehow to become different in a sense of.... Hardened Bitter Angry Wiser Less trusting No patience Less tolerance Or anything else other than the above... For me, I do believe I have become wiser for the experience, and a little rough around the edges. Perhaps in time, this will pass. I am that way too and don't think it will change once you are betrayed like that!! Cheating can hurt you as a person make you feel unworthy and mess with self esteem bad
zarathustra Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 Has anyone noticed that "In" or "Since" their A, it has changed them somehow to become different in a sense of.... Hardened Bitter Angry Wiser Less trusting No patience Less tolerance Or anything else other than the above... For me, I do believe I have become wiser for the experience, and a little rough around the edges. Perhaps in time, this will pass. Hardened... yes... Stronger... sometimes Fear of being vulnerable... sometimes Fear of repeating my mistakes... sometimes Fear of having a softspot for him... sometimes So many phobias, eh? Guess his breaking NC with me didn't help.
KANSAN Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 I think it's called keeping your guard up. You know the saying fool me once...
Jessie61 Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Has anyone noticed that "In" or "Since" their A, it has changed them somehow to become different in a sense of.... Hardened Bitter Angry Wiser Less trusting No patience Less tolerance Or anything else other than the above... For me, I do believe I have become wiser for the experience, and a little rough around the edges. Perhaps in time, this will pass. Yes, I have at times of NC started to feel like that, but do you know something? I REFUSE to give in to it! I refuse to get bitter, angry and less loving and trusting etc.... Being bitter only poisons MY life (no one else's! And certainly not MM's!!!) and I would prefer to be happy! Nobody is going to give me a medal for being hard and bitter and living life like it is an endurance test and not something to be actively enjoyed. I was betrayed myself years ago and I was bitter for a long time afterwards, until I decided that it was a waste of a life. So, what do I do when I feel all of the above? I try to be kind to myself, I try to learn from my mistakes (yes, refusing to be bitter does not mean that I am going to walk right into it again!), I have a serious chat with myself, and then I let go of it and move on... Is it easy? Not at all! But it is easier than to feel bitter, angry and poisioned for the rest of my life...
OzGirl Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 I think I've gone "hard" on the world around me for my experiences. But, like Jessie, I do think it's not going to be a way of life - well, I hope it's not like a habit and you just get used to it. I think it's like a protective shell at the moment. It guarantees that whilst I don't have the emotional room or ability in my life to deal with another pain, I can ensure another won't enter my life in the first place.
Sami_D Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 No, I've not felt any of those things since my affair. After my last R (the one with the abusive man) I found it VERY hard to trust anyone. The amount of lying and deception was just mind-bending. Anyone who hasn't been there will not understand what I mean, but I had a serious breakdown (I mean BIG... I mean I couldn't leave the sofa to get a drink of water) and I feared with all my being that I would never trust anyone again. Eventually, I came to realise, that you don't have to trust other people. You trust yourself. You trust your own judgment. You learn that it's actually OK to make a mistake in judgment... because that's how you learn and grow. You learn to rely on yourself. And accept your mistakes. Own every decision you make as your own. After all, you were doing your best, with the information available. Don't beat yourself up. Don't blame others. That's how I feel about life and relationships now. My involvement with MM hasn't changed that one bit. Unlike most of the OW I read about here, MM never treated me badly, always treated me with respect, always owned up to his own weaknesses, always wanted to talk 'R talk' ... He may have been M, but he was the most wonderful man, and it was the best R I ever had.
Jessie61 Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Eventually, I came to realise, that you don't have to trust other people. You trust yourself. You trust your own judgment. You learn that it's actually OK to make a mistake in judgment... because that's how you learn and grow. You learn to rely on yourself. And accept your mistakes. Own every decision you make as your own. After all, you were doing your best, with the information available. Don't beat yourself up. Don't blame others. Sami, I could not have said it better myself! This is part of my technique of being "good to myself". Yes, acknowledge that you are entitled to be upset etc, but don't kick yourself forever over it! Forgive yourself and move on so that you can be happy again....
StoneyHeart Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 I won't work closely with another person ever again. That mentor/mentee stuff just won't work for me anymore- I take my assignments and try to do them from office and ask questions on the phone (My exMM was my boss and he died). I try to get close to people when I date but really still have a heart of stone within a few weeks after I try to open up again. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THIS WAY!
My_Other_I Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 Has anyone noticed that "In" or "Since" their A, it has changed them somehow to become different in a sense of.... Hardened Bitter Angry Wiser Less trusting No patience Less tolerance Or anything else other than the above... For me, I do believe I have become wiser for the experience, and a little rough around the edges. Perhaps in time, this will pass. Hardened as in I know that whatever will happen to me, I will survive and become stronger. I'm fearless. Bitter - no, not bitter. I was bitter right after, but that passed with time, acceptance and understanding. Angry - see above. I was angry with him, his lies, and with myself falling for a liar. That's also passed with time. Wiser - that is for sure Less trusting - yes. I am less trusting and I take time in getting to know people. I also do not share anything personal with people as of now. Less patience - I'd say I have more patience and expect the same from others. I will take my time to find out who I am dealing with. Less tolerance - I have 0 tolerance for lies. Once is too many. I do have more tolerance for people's flaws and past mistakes. Go figure One thing I know for sure; I have become much happier since all the trouble has passed. I remember hearing "it will pass with time" and thinking that will never happen. It's passed, I've learned, I've grown stronger and I am happier and more confident than ever before. This experience has helped me to find out the real me. So...overall this whole thing - as much as it sucked - has been one of the best things to have happened to me overall.
StoneyHeart Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 i do agree that this has made me much much much more understanding that we are all human and nobody is perfect and we usually all expect way too much of other people.
lovernotafighter Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 i do agree that this has made me much much much more understanding that we are all human and nobody is perfect and we usually all expect way too much of other people. yes,I think I have a thousand times more empathy for people than before..and that is defiantly the good that has come from my A. No patience Less tolerance these two are the ones effecting me big time now, with MM of coarse...I feel if I don't figure out how to deal with my emotions than this is only going to get worse.
Marielle Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 When things go bad with: VUlnerable Crazy Zero personality Stupid Naive Depressed and dumb Sometimes, and then others, when we are going through "good times": I m at the top of the world Smart beautifull Powerful Independant But all these feelings have nothing to do with being in a MM/Ow kind of relationship, rather is a type of relationship we have due to our personalities...turmoil kind of affair
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