almostthere Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 I have a lot on my mind and my bf is not a really good communicator. When we have talks about potentially negative things he just sits there like a dog who has been scolded. And then he feels really badly. Its strange that he feels that way instead of voicing whats on his mind. then i back down because i feel badly for making the person i love feel this way. so i want to write a letter to him so i dont back down and so everything gets said. We've already talked about everything...just not to the extent i want to. i this a bad idea?
a4a Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 Are you totally freaking out about moving in with him or what?........you are posting like crazy asking what to do..... is this move in the reason you feel so unsure...... if so think hard before you do move in with him.
Author almostthere Posted May 4, 2006 Author Posted May 4, 2006 Lol....yeah i guess maybe i am. i just have a lot of questions.
Fun2BMe Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 what is your situation in a nutshell? I post like crazy too when I'm going through a rough time lol
Author almostthere Posted May 4, 2006 Author Posted May 4, 2006 well...quickly...my bf's exwife said they slept together in January but told me three weeks ago about it during one of her many loony fits that she has had. she desperately wants him back. I didnt break up with him because i believe him more then her. but since then I keep getting images of them having sex while i am sleeping and while we are making love. I dont totally believe that he didnt do it. She is a loon and the fight all the time. I am not allowed to go with to drop off or pick up the kids. and she is not allowed to drop off or pick up the kids when i am there anymore. she has just been a major problem from day one for us. and continues to be. i think thats it. and we are supposed to move in together June 1st.
magda Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 I nmy experience the written word is far easier to misinterpret than spoken. If he can't handle discussing things, there's no tellign what he will think of your letter. I think work on getting through to him without putting him on the defensive.
Fun2BMe Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 Your situation sounds very similar to BayBee9404's in her thread "Is he cheating on me?" in the love, jealousy subforum http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t87680/ I prefer writing but have to agree with magda that he might misunderstand a couple of things or take them the wrong way and make things worse.
catgirl1927 Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 You can't really have a real relationship with someone you can't talk to. You guys have to figure out how to communicate before you take steps like moving in together. Frankly, you sound unsure about the whole relationship. It's a lot of baggage, this crazy ex wife. Maybe you should start by telling him you don't feel like you can communicate with him.
Fun2BMe Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 catgirl I like your adivce. I am currently having communication problems with the man I am dating and didn't know how to bring up an issue that is bothering me. I like your line. I can start by saying that I think we are having communication trouble as an opening to help me discuss the issue. I've been writing emails without sending them and have been having trouble deciding on how to approach it so far.
Walk Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 My bf has written me two letters in the 2 years we've been together. During times where we weren't able to communicate effectively. I completely misinterpreted and took them out of context. I didn't understand any better what he was saying and it didn't help solve the problems and one really contributed to it. Just keep trying... as many times as you have too. You might need to discuss (at a later time maybe) his behavior while "discussing" things, and point out how detrimental it is to good communication. What he's doing is actually a form of defensive communication, and leads to a break down. It's manipulative, even if unintentional. There are some good articles onthe net about how to work around someone who reacts this way. Not sure if you've looked at any of those yet. I know Jack Gibbs did a study on defensive communication, which might give some information on it. Some of the sites I looked up had some good tips on dealing with this type of reaction for you, and if you wanted to show it to him, some of them had good tips for people who react this way. My personal opinion is not to write the letter. Figure out what the important aspects you want addressed are. Stick to those and don't get sidetracked off it. ie. stuff that doesn't really matter or pertain.
Delectable Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Women read letters like this but Men do not. At all... If you can't talk to him how can you move in with him? I am reading your posts and I hate to be blunt - do not move in with him...in the last week you have had 'loose ends' to clear up with an ex boyfriend, sexual issues with him, and this...I mean it doesn't seem like now is the time You have posted all of these in the last couple of weeks...maybe you need to read how unhappy you are: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t87737/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t87588/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t87742/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t87740/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t87732/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t87597/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=775484#post775484 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86162/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86024/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t85786/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t80555/
Author almostthere Posted May 5, 2006 Author Posted May 5, 2006 I kind of take offense to the last post on here. I havent had sex issues. I simply said i thought it was awesome he could be capable of multiples. and i wanted to play on that. Is that bad? no, i absolutely love our sex life. As far as loose ends...ok ok I already got killed for this already. wrong words. All i meant was to tell this person that i am happy where i am and if he wanted things to be different he should of contacted me 2 years ago. thats it. I was trying to do it face to face out of respect but i got it all wrong. I dont want this lunch date guy. And finally...yes our communication in discussions is shaky. However i came from a mentally abusive marriage. So i am used to stating my opinion and getting attacked for it. so when he apologizes and says he was wrong, seriously, I feel weird. Its nothing i have ever experienced. Not with the exh or any other bf i ever had. He is seriously everything i am looking for. I just agree with some others that he carried exw baggage bigtime. its better now. she hasnt done anything since that one sunday about 3 weeks ago. its almost normal now.
Fun2BMe Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 After thinking about it some more, I think you should try to write a letter. Make it simple so there is no room for misunderstanding or attacking as he has no way or speaking back while reading it. I think it will help to communicate your feelings and for him to better understand where you're coming from. What could it hurt? As long as it's not very long and extra detailed.
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