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When you forgive...how do you forget?


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Posted

For those of you how know my relationship my bf's exw has been a huge problem. About 3 weeks ago she said that they had slept together in January. She came over to my BF's house to drop off their children and i was there. she threw a fit (she really wants him back) and told him she was going to tell me what they did together. the scenerio keeps playing in my head. Did she say threw the door I am going to tell her? Or did she say I am going to tell her we slept together? If she didnt say the last part of that sentence then how would he know she was going to tell me that? I thought about our relationship 3 weeks ago and whether to believe him or not. He has slept with her since they seperated but as he says it was just for sex nothing more. Who knows?! But it was months before we got together. I have slept with my ex after the divorce too. Trying to rekindle things for the childrens sake. I forgave him telling him that I dont believe him or her. But no one has any proof they did or didnt do it. I thought I moved past this since i made my decision but then last night while we were making love the thought crossed my mind again...as it does from time to time since then. if he did do it then he is the best liar i have ever met. if he didnt then shame on me for doubting him. In either case we are planning to move in together in 3 weeks. And since i cant move past this I kinda feel like taking a few days to myself to really think about this. I mean I do love him with my whole heart. But these images of him and the exw, they are horrible. Its not like i am trying to think about this. It just happens. Maybe because he moved back in with his dad and they lived there once. Recently. Since i already forgave him is this my issue now? Do i have the right to bring this up to him again? is this normal?

Posted

Pick and choose your battles. I wouldn't bring it up . I think you can forget what he done but your heart will never forget it. He would be stupid to ask you to forget. You will be more cautious the heart never forgets something like cheating. Makes you more aware though of how much you trust.

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Posted

Right...because all that would ahppen anyway is he would say no i didnt do it again. I dont know what i need him to say. i dont know why i get images of him and her sleeping together. i really dont want to think about that.

Posted
Right...because all that would ahppen anyway is he would say no i didnt do it again. I dont know what i need him to say. i dont know why i get images of him and her sleeping together. i really dont want to think about that.

 

I know what you are saying but with me he went to a nasty trashy whore and that makes your self esteem really down. I have dealt with it but it has taken a lot of time. You take as much time as you need. Noone can tell you how to feel and when to heal. You deal with it how you can. The reason they get on the defensive side cause they knew they messed up and afraid of losing you for good!! I try not to picture that with my man cause she was trash and thought of it makes me sick. It is still fresh for you so it is normal . Maybe you should go talk with a counselor about your feelings trust me it will help.

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Posted

I know. the problem is that i am in love and love makes youdo things or go through things you normally wouldnt. he is amazing. the absolute only issue we have ever had was his exwife. other then that we dont fight. and we dont even fight about that either. i guess i am just trying to be careful. ive been divorced once. i am not repeating that. as far as needing help...from friends sure...but not professional. What is wrong with trying to think things through? I am much better at thinking things through when i can write them. I guess thats why this site is addictive for me. its like writing in a journal except you get responses for people other then yourself.

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Posted

Thanks Delectable...I reread the posts. its all the same thing. over and over. how many times can someone possibly complain about the same things. i act as though i am not talking about myself...however it is true. we had a talk last night. went...decent. I just told him things i have held on to for to long. hopefully now we can move past it. But in all the posts it comes down to me saying that i love him and our problem being his exwife. hopefully he gets it now after last night. i thought is was a positive talk. we didnt yell i just said that it really bothers me how he lets these situations happen. and how he needs to think how he would react if the situation were reversed. and mostly how he would feel. And i ended it with he needs to choose who he feels that he needs to make feel uncomfortable.

Posted

You can't alienate trust from a relationship, -that is- if you're serious about the relationship.

 

*Trust is fundamental.*

 

If trust issues were pre-existing, and they still haven't been dealt with, then they'll just cause problems in any relationship you ever have.

 

If you get help with them, -sort them out- then you are much better off in all your future relationships when you are faced with the same, or similar situations as you are currently dealing with, which induce feelings of jealousy and doubt in regards to your partner.

 

If you've never had trust issues and they do, one day, appear in your relationship, you shouldn't ignore them.

 

They only get worse, if you do.

 

Dealing with them doesn't necessarily mean that you start making accusations to your partner, abruptly end the relationship, nor that you conveniently adopt the popular, physcoanalytic and trendy belief that your trust issues are a result of your parents divorcing or your father abandoning you.

 

That may be true, in some cases, but your background may not truly produce enough experiences to merit that answer.

 

Although, your circumstances seriously need to be examined, try to be careful not to compound the whole thing with more complicated stuff that doesn't even apply to you, just because someone suggested a reason that seemed to make sense.

 

Look for your own individual answers.

 

Get to the bottom of your own problem. Start keeping an eye on the *big picture*, as well as the more tell-tale, revealing, "little" things, -and learn what details that are truly significant in this.

 

All of them will not apply, some will just be trivial, -others will be more important.

 

You battle a great deal of doubt with this type of situation, and then there's the attachment emotions involved.

 

Those high-voltage love emotions (mixed with jealousy and confusing your basic territorial feelings) shouldn't be used a whole lot in choosing your direction in how to handle this.

 

Easier said than done.

 

So, let your life experience up to this point, and your *brain* do most of the thinking and decision-making for you.

 

You'll know it in your gut when the circumstances have gotten way past what you can deal with, and your boundaries have been seriously crossed.

 

Rely on what you already know is reasonable, and implement what you learn is reasonable, as you go through this.

 

Keep your self-respect.

 

Don't give jealousy -yours or someone else's- a foothold on destroying your life, and don't allow yourself to be a doormat.

 

There's a balance in there somewhere.

 

Give all you've got to find it.

 

-Rio

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Posted

Thank you Riobikini...great post. That helps out a lot and gives me something to think about this weekend.

Posted

That was a really insightful post Rio. Thank you for posting that.

Posted

Almostthere, Walk....you are both graciously welcome.

 

(Smile)

 

Yours,

-Rio

Posted

I wouldn't forgive him at all if I were you. I would divise some plan of revenge against him. Sorry forgiveness is not my strong suit. I believe in getting revenge on those who have hurt me even if it wasn't cheating.

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