tidal Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 Recap: My boyfriend and I met at school in Michigan last July and had a wonderful summer together. I had just gotten out of a relationship and he was very supportive. In the fall, he quit his job and I helped him out financially because he I care about him. He graduated in december and was hired full-time for a company in Minnesota. He is paying me back the money I let him borrow in the fall. The Problem: My job in michigan is ending next week and the plan since february was that I would move out to minnesota to be with my boyfriend. He said I could move into his apartment with him and not have to worry about splitting the rent until I get myself situated and find a job. I don't really feel comfortable/secure moving in with him. I feel that I could handle moving to minnesota, but see moving in with him more of a risk. He, however, has absolutely no hesitations about the move and thinks that it will be great for us. On the other hand... I have been offered a rent-free room in my friend's house on the east coast, where I am originally from and have friends and family. The Real Question: For the past month I have been stressing out between places and people and emotions and logic. My boyfriend believes that this shouldn't be a hard decision and that if I really did want to be in Minnesota with him/if I really loved him then I would have no worries about moving in with him; and he feels that this decision is only hard for me because I do not love him/am not happy with the relationship. Personally, I'm just waiting to see what "feels right". So, I have to ask for your general opinoins on how easy you believe a decision like this should be?
je andre Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 what scares you about the moving in together? im asking this to know what YOU think about it. we all have different ideas about it. personally i think moving in ss a big step for a relationship. the only way i would move in with my boyfriend is if im sure that hes in a long term commitment with me.
Author tidal Posted May 30, 2006 Author Posted May 30, 2006 I am not at all concerned about his commitment to me. The relationship is completely lopsided, he is 100% sure about his love for me; I am the uncertain one. For example, he sees himself marrying me, whereas I do cannot see that yet. I told him this past week that I will move to Minnesota with him, but it hurts to say that. I don't want to live there at all but hate giving up someone who loves me and cares for me so much. I supported him when he didn't have a job, so now he is doing the same. It seems silly for me to push away someone's honest concern and care for me to leave myself in an even worse situation. When I'm with him, things are great. I am content, not passionate though, which worries me to some degree. I don't even think that living closer will bring us any closer relationship-wise, I just don't want to push away someone who loves me so much and, "on paper" is good for me.
Outcast Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 When I'm with him, things are great. I am content, not passionate though, which worries me to some degree. I don't even think that living closer will bring us any closer relationship-wise, I just don't want to push away someone who loves me so much and, "on paper" is good for me. This is a very bad reason for staying with someone. You can't manufacture love and if you try, you'll only make both of you miserable. He's right that if you did love him, you'd be excited to move to his town. Now, I'd highly recommend that you not move in with him should you move to his town - that would put much too much pressure on you both. However, feeling the way you feel, you should break it off with him and tell him everything you told us - that he's a wonderful person and you don't even know why you don't love him enough but the fact is that you don't and you're sorry but he deserves someone who does love him.
Keen Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 I'm sure you feel something for him, but the way it sounds, it seems you're not so sure about him yet. Trust your gut instincts and don't think so much about it. If you don't feel comfortable about moving, then don't. Please don't force yourself to move in this situation because it'll only make you unhappy, because you're not mentally/emotionally prepared. My boyfriend believes that this shouldn't be a hard decision and that if I really did want to be in Minnesota with him/if I really loved him then I would have no worries about moving in with him; and he feels that this decision is only hard for me because I do not love him/am not happy with the relationship. I'm not a feminist, but if your guy really loves you, then he should understand your discomfort first and foremost. This is not to say he can't feel hurt and/or rejected by your refusal. Being together takes 2 hands to clap, and if one of you is not comfortable, then you should both wait till you're feeling more ready to go.
Butterflying Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 I don't think you should relocate until you two have made serious commitments, like engagement. Right now, you aren't ready to commit to him that seriously. Therefore, moving in together will be a huge mistake. You said you don't see marrying him, yet. But living together will be EXACTLY like being married without the legal documents. Unfortunately, LDR's don't usually survive for long periods of time, especially when you're young and have soooo many options. Not moving to be closer to him could cause an end to your relationship. Perhaps you should consider getting your own apartment in MS.
Author tidal Posted June 1, 2006 Author Posted June 1, 2006 i told him a few months ago that i dont want to move in with him, but right now i don't have a job and am currently looking for one in minnesota. but i think that i will have a better chance getting one if i move out there, so until i can afford my own place, i will live with him while job searching. also, a few months ago he didn't have a job and i helped him out. now i dont have a job, and he is helping me out. i love balance in a relationship and i consider this perfect. it's just scary, i suppose, to push away help when i really need it. my friend offered me a free place to live in new jersey and i was previously thinking that ive i moved there, i would break up with my boyfriend. now, however, i am considering spending the summer in new jersey to take some time to deal with things. sort of a break, i guess. does this seem selfish? does it make more sense just to end things? or would it be the same to move to minneapolis, find my own place and figure things out from there?
Butterflying Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 Spending the summer in NJ sounds like a good plan. You'll have about 2 or 3 more months to make a decision. See how things work out, feelings, stress, emotions, ect with the LDR. I was once in an LDR where my BF (now XBF) was unemployed. He got a job offer in another city and wanted me to give up everything and move there with him because he was making more money than me. I had alot to give up: house, great job, family, friends. Since he moved to the city where all his friends and family were, he really hadn't made any sacrifices. I would have been totally dependent on him until I re-established myself. I was scared. We decided to wait three months for him to get settled in his new job. Meanwhile, I would make preparations and decide rather, or not to move in with him. At that time, we had been dating over a year. Needless to say, it only took three weeks for him to meet another woman and start dating her. He met her on his new job. I found out about it. The decision was clear: I wasn't moving in with him. Don't be discouraged by my experience. I shared this to explain, it wouldn't have mattered rather I'd moved in with him right away, or took some time to really be sure about it. It was in his heart to betray me, so he would have done it no matter what. It was wise of me to think things over. Otherwise, I would have made a huge mistake. I imagine, if my XBF had been the right person for me, he would have waited three months for me to decide. He would have been encouraging me, every step of the way, to make the move. He would have assured me it was the right decision. Instead, he showed his true colors and saved me an extra two months of stressing over him.
Love Hurts Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 Don't do it. No man respects a woman when she casts all she values to the wind and plays house with him................. I don't care what he is selling you..... in short.. you are selling yourself short. You should not leave the place of safety with family and friends to be alone 24/7 in a relationship with a man you don't know well enough. You have not given your relationship enough time to grow and discover the true person.... any relationship in the begining that is clicking nicely is wonderful and exciting.... What happens when the veil is removed and you discover the guy inside is not what or whom you thought he was.. Now you are away from family. Your safety net in any crisis.... Men have a tendency to take more risky advantage of a female with no support system (friends or family). He will see you as vulnerable. He can use that as a weapon if he is that type. Even if he is not that type of man to do that to you......... the temptation of a vulnerable female alone in his web is enough to turn him that way. Be caucious. Put the brakes on....... see how the long distance relationship goes.................. if you are meant to make it in time you will know or it could all simply fizzle out and if that is meant to be then so be it. Keep your powder dry. You are a queen, you need a king to come to you. Put a ring on your finger first ,,, lets see commitment. After the wedding.. you can wash his dirty laundry and clean up after him. Good Luck
Author tidal Posted June 2, 2006 Author Posted June 2, 2006 This is all wonderful advice, thank you! I would like to specifically address somethings... Needless to say, it only took three weeks for him to meet another woman and start dating her. My boyfriend has been working in minnesota since February and i'm sure that he hasn't strayed, which honestly, makes it worse because it is not so cut-and-dry. He is 100% committed and loves me very much. I just really hate hurting such a good person who I do care about, I'm just not happy with allthetime. It makes me feel so bad that I can't bring myself to say it and would almost rather just go along with everything, hoping that it will be worth it. Logically, that sounds retarded but it's really just so much easier. Plus, it doesn't help that i'm not positive that my alternative option to stay with friends in NJ would be fun or good for me at all. I just feel extremely dependent right now and I don't like that. But still, you all have offered some super advice and I really appreciate it!
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