iminbadshape Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 I did it! I had an affair! I was wrong! It was wrong! We were wrong! I had an affair for a year. The other person left their spouse with promises of me doing the same. I didn't. The problem we fell in love. We fell in such big love. I am so upset I am not sure if it is because I feel rejected for the reason that the person found another. Not just another, but a person that I know. Now I am not friends with this person but they work with my spouse and my spouse tells me everything that is going on in the new relationship. Now I know this is ALL TOGETHER WRONG! I told my spouse I came clean. We are separating. It is the smart thing to do. We are doing it amicably. The other issue was too little to late for the one I want to end up with. They are now in a rebound relationship and have taken every step to take themselves far away from me. I know they love me and are still in love with me. How do I know this? They told me last time we talked (3 days ago) when I had a weak moment and called. But you know what? That night they were with their new rebound, sleeping over. How can they be over me so fast? How can they just turn that love off? What do I do? I am mess it is affecting my job, my day, I am sad all the time. It has been a week since the break up Do I give them their space? Or do I go see them. My friends say to give space and they will come back. There really wasn't any closure but I know they were in pain over the fact I did not leave my marriage. I want to see them to tell them how much I hurt and love them. When I did not leave my spouse I was told there is no snese in staying in our affair because the vision of us is impossible. And guess what? The new rebound person can offer so much more than me. I miss that person so much. My heart hurts so bad. I feel like a zombie. Do you think they will ever contact me. We will be in social circles soon and I don;t know what to do. Do you think they hurt still or have been hurting for a long time and have gotten over it? Please help I am so upset
Adunaphel Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 How do I know this? They told me last time we talked (3 days ago) when I had a weak moment and called. But you know what? That night they were with their new rebound, sleeping over. You were with your spouse, whom you had basically promised to leave. The other person left their spouse with promises of me doing the same. I didn't. What did you expect this person to do? To be there waiting for you after he/she left her marriage to get together with you and you didn't? How can they be over me so fast? Of course he/she is not. How can they just turn that love off? They can't. A huge disappointment can kill the love you feel for someone, though. Starting a rebound relationship is not the wisest thing in the world, but what would have you expected him/her to do?!? How can you complain? If a rebound relationship helps you to get over someone who deceived you and is not good for you, great. Anything that helps to make you feel better, is better than feeling like you are someone's disposable toy. What do I do? You said you are separating. Tell this to the other person, if you really are in love with him/her. Separate and divorce for real. Hope he/she will eventually get together with you. I guess it's all you can do. I think your friends might be right, the person might come back to you. But it will depend mostly on what you do and on your behaviour. And yes, give him/her space. Let him/her know that you feel bad about their rebound relationship, but don't use it against him/her. Let him /her know you are still in love. By the way...were you ever *actually* in love? Why didn't you leave your spouse, then? Could it be that you are *not* really in love, but you *feel* that you are in love right now because the rebound relationshiop thing hurt you and your self exteem? Concentrate to find out what you*really* feel for that person. Also, ask yourself: would have you came clean with your spouse if the other person had not had a rebound relationship? One last thing. I might have been a little harsh, but congratulations for coming clean with your partner. I wish many more people would do so. It was the right thing to do, both for you and your spouse.
Author iminbadshape Posted May 4, 2006 Author Posted May 4, 2006 First off, Thank you so so so much for responding to my post. It helps so much to see it from another view. It really really does. I feel so alone in this. I can;t sleep. I get up early. I have a pit in my stomach. I cry in the shower. I don't want to work or go out with friends. I know I did the right thing by finally leaving my wife but I can't help but think of the new rebound my girlfriend is with. He actually works with my wife. Again, Do you think she is thinking of me whike she is with him? How can she be so strong not to contact me? Does she realize the new guy is not me? Does she even care? I struggle with contacting her because I feel like a sad sack. In three days it will be a year that we were to be together. Should I send her a message, or text and if so what good will that do? She may have been trying to detach herself for a while now and maybe I just didn't listen. Maybe I missed the signs from being a selfis A**. I wonder if I just leave her alone she will miss me enough to wonder what I am doing and will want to contact me when she is ready. Any thoughts? I can't help but think if I leave her alone she may come back. She has to miss me. She has to miss us I want to call her and tell her how much I love her and hurt and I have done that already so I do not know what use will be. I am in such pain over this and you are right I do not know if it is love or a self esteem issue.
Sami_D Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 Hello there. Sorry you're feeling so bad. Hmm... what I'd do... try to calm down a little. Calling her when you're all desperate is no good (though understandable). Besides... in these matters, there really is no rush. And she's probably going to think you're just after her because she's moved on and has someone new... so... take your time. Give yourself some breathing space. Allow her to see that you're not contacting her out of jealousy, egotism or whatever. Then, in a while, perhaps send her a letter or email or whatever, calmly telling her how you feel about what you've done. Telling her that if she wants to talk to you about getting together now you've finally separated from your W, that you will listen to whatever she has to say, but that you understand if she doesn't want to talk, and tell her that she need not worry, you won't keep contacting her. Wish her well. And then leave her alone to think about it. Even if she never contacts you again... that's the only fair, respectful, and honourable thing to do. Yes... I am sure she misses you, hasn't really 'moved on' yet exactly BUT... she has every right to go about her new life however she wants to, unmolested. Best of luck with it all. You're not alone... there are many of us here in a right flaming mess.
zarathustra Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 First off, Thank you so so so much for responding to my post. It helps so much to see it from another view. It really really does. I feel so alone in this. I can;t sleep. I get up early. I have a pit in my stomach. I cry in the shower. I don't want to work or go out with friends. I know I did the right thing by finally leaving my wife but I can't help but think of the new rebound my girlfriend is with. He actually works with my wife. Again, Do you think she is thinking of me whike she is with him? How can she be so strong not to contact me? Does she realize the new guy is not me? Does she even care? I struggle with contacting her because I feel like a sad sack. In three days it will be a year that we were to be together. Should I send her a message, or text and if so what good will that do? She may have been trying to detach herself for a while now and maybe I just didn't listen. Maybe I missed the signs from being a selfis A**. I wonder if I just leave her alone she will miss me enough to wonder what I am doing and will want to contact me when she is ready. Any thoughts? I can't help but think if I leave her alone she may come back. She has to miss me. She has to miss us I want to call her and tell her how much I love her and hurt and I have done that already so I do not know what use will be. I am in such pain over this and you are right I do not know if it is love or a self esteem issue. Hi there... I'm sorry to hear how lonely you feel. Find a hobby. Keep busy. Take the time to 'find yourself' again. I think sometimes we are so very much defined by the relationships in our lives that its hard to imagine life alone. When she left her husband to be with you and you didn't leave your wife, she was forced to learn to deal with living life without you. Let her do that for a little bit and you live life a little for a bit and if you still love her, and she loves you, then you'll find your way back to each other.
Owl Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 OK...first off, go see your doctor about anti-depression meds...if you weren't depressed before this, you are now! A lot of the advice you've received so far makes sense... Start working on getting your focus onto something else. Get a hobby...start working out...anything that will take up your time and energy so you don't spend all of it worrying about her. Ask your STBXW (soon to be ex-wife) to stop talking about her. Start working to 'get over' her as best as you can...but I do agree with sending her a last 'closure' note telling her that you and your W are seperating and divorcing. Right now, you're going through 'withdrawl' from the end of the affair. The 'death of the relationship' if you will. It's TOUGH...but it's also not forever. You WILL feel better eventually...and when you do, don't be amazed to find that your feelings for your wife never changed and now you'll start grieving the loss of THAT relationship as well. My suggestion...take some time, and seriously break off active contact with BOTH women if you're going to seperate...give yourself time to recover from ALL of this...then try to figure out what you want out of things. Also...suggest to your wife that she go to http://www.marriagebuilders.com and look at their forum to help her deal with the emotional trauma she's going through as a result of this. My wife felt like you did when HER affair ended. WE were planning on seperating...she couldn't imagine staying with me after what had happened. Guess what? A month later she realized she was still very much in love with me...two years later we're still together. There's no need to rush through anything right now...give yourself time to sort out your feelings (and give both ladies time to sort out theirs)...and THEN make plans on your future. Right now, focus on getting through the withdrawl and depression you're dealing with now...and in 30 days take a stock of things and decide what to do then.
Author iminbadshape Posted May 20, 2006 Author Posted May 20, 2006 Since the death of my affair. My OW has been contacting me to see if I am OK. She says she has moved on to another and knows I am not happy. She says she feels guilty for leaving me and wants me to be happy in whatever I do. She sometimes text messages me to see how things are going with my wife and me. She says she is worried about me. Yes, I have had weak moments and called her up crying and drunk. She still crys and I don"t understand Y? She ended it. What does she want!? She is messing with my head. She will contact me. Tell me she was thinking about me all day and then when I respond once or twice she stops. What is going on? Does anyone understand this!? It hurts to know she is with another and not only do I miss her terribly. I am hurt and now I am getting angry. Cause if she is still contacting me how can she be having sex with him? Part of me wants to kiss her and hug her and the other part is just getting angry. But I know I want her in my life. WTF!?
Sami_D Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 Hello again, Last time you wrote I advised you to calm down, give this woman some space to think, and for you to get your head together. I suggested no contact (or very limited contact) while this happened. Owl suggested you get to the doctor and sort out your depression. I still think that this is what you should be doing. But you're not. You're calling her up when you're drunk. She says she's worried about you... but she also seems to have moved on. I don't want to upset you, but I think that she will want to keep her distance from you until you get your head sorted out. Calling her when drunk, getting angry about it... you're reacting very badly one way and another and you really do need to back away from this right now or you'll shove her further away!!! I don't know what she wants. But I can bet that what she wants isn't a drunken mess who let her down badly once and now can't get a hold of themselves (sorry to sound harsh, but that is the reality). HOWEVER much she still might love you and care for you, she's doing the right thing in keeping her distance, and even... moving on without you. You have to get a grip. YOU do. It's no use complaining and wondering about her behaviour, about her contacting you and then not responding after a few messages. YOU have to take control here... of yourself first. But for what it's worth, I'll take a stab at second-guessing her behaviour. She still has affection for you, cares about you... but she has either determined to get on with life with this new man (it's no use you describing him as 'rebound' because she may well have decided she prefers him to you and there's nothing you can do about that) OR she still considers that she might get back with you, but you are scaring her off with your out-of-control behaviour. Just my opinion. But really... whatever is the case with this woman, you HAVE to get a hold of yourself. Please take care.
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