nelly011 Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 I've been dating this girl for 2 months now. Shes gorgeous and I'm 100% in love with her. The only problem I have is shes soooo self concious about the way she looks and her weight. Shes 5'1 104lbs so in no way is she over weight. Shes always complaining about how good looking my other "girl" friends are and when she sees them she gets in this mood where she just hates me and all she wants to do is run on the treadmill for hours on end. Nothing I say or do will make her happy. I just have to wait it out and hope she doesn't hate me forever. Its almost like shes mad at me because I did something wrong. I've known alot of my "girl" friends for 4-5 years now and I've only known her for a few months now. So I really don't know what to do. I try my best to reassure her that I love her and that shes beautiful and all she says is yea right.... why don't you just go hang out with your hot girl friends. Does anyone out there have any advice on what i can do? I do love her and I don't want to lose her over something like this
Walk Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 Not much you can do... this is something she has to do herself. No one else can make you love yourself. You gotta do that on your own. Blind otter had a link somewhere in LS for an article in Psychology today, June 2006 issue. Talks about women obsessing about how they look. First part says that if you're really self-concious about how you look then you're probably hotter then you think you are. You might download it and show it to her. Otherwise, I don't think it's fair to you to have to give up your friends because of her insecurity. Assuming these friendships are platonic and you've never slept with them. Maybe someone else has a better suggestion to stop her from freaking out every time you see them... I'm not quite sure how you would handle that. Let me think on it and if I get something I'll post it.
Author nelly011 Posted May 4, 2006 Author Posted May 4, 2006 Thanks. I'll try to find that link. I've never ever slept with any of my "girl" friends. There all practically my little sisters because I've known them for so long. She really is more beautiful than any of my friends but for some reason she thinks their 100 times skinnier than she is and that there so much more beautiful than she is. It just kills me because its not even like she gets annoyed at me...she actually gets full on mad at me to the point where she'll yell at me and then go shopping and not eat all day and then run on the treadmill for an hour straight. Shes not anorxic. I mean she may be showing signs of it because she'll only eat like a cookie and rice all day and then say shes fat and needs to run on the treadmill. If anyone else has any suggestions it would really help...thanks
Walk Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 I'm not quite followin why she's mad. Why is she yelling at you? Is she accusing you of sleeping with them? Or wanting to sleep with them? What's the reason she gives for being mad? Have you tried to talk to her about this when she's not mad? Ask her whats going on and why it upsets her so much? Or if there's anything you can do to help her feel more secure in the relationship?
catgirl1927 Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 She's lashing out because she hates herself and is misdirecting her anger. Ask me how I know. I'm so sorry. Walk is right, this has NOTHING to do with you or anything you're doing. This is her problem, and she needs to deal with it. I would tell her that you understand she has low self esteem but when she lashes out at you and accuses you of things she knows good and damn well you're not doing that it really hurts you and pushes you away. Tell her when she's calm. I say this, because that's what it took for ME. My BF also told me that if I kept telling him I was ugly, he was going to start believing it. It sounds really harsh I know, but I needed to hear it. I don't accuse him of things, when I start feeling that way I deal with it. I usually tell him that I'm having an attack of low self esteem and I need to work through it. He's supportive, because I'm not accusing him of anything.
Author nelly011 Posted May 18, 2006 Author Posted May 18, 2006 I've tried really hard. The main problem I have now is she keeps thinking that every girl I walk by I'm checking out. If a girl walks by I'll look at them but I'm not checking them out head to toe. But now she throws it at my face everytime she can get it in there and shes like well maybe if I'm skinnier and prettier and looked better you'd stop checking out other girls. She sets me up for things like this. For example. She wants to work at this resturant. But she said I'm not pretty enough to work at the resturant. If I say no she'll say O so you don't think I'm pretty enough. So I go babe your def pretty enough you could def work there. So then she twists it around as if I am checking out every girl that works in the resturant. And if I don't say anything then she says what so you have nothing to say about that.Its like a lose-lose situation for me. I am completely clueless right now. I love this girl to death but it seems like I cant get through a week without this same problem happening and she won't speak to me afterwards for a couple of days and then she'll come back like nothing happened
Walk Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 The rule is... You can check out girls, but you've gotta kiss up if you get caught. So you either learn how to be more covert, or just stop doing it while she's around. But you're admitting you are looking at other girls, even if it's not a head to toe dress down, she knows you're looking and you're not denying it. So either learn to be more sly about it, or stop doing it while she's there. I'm not saying it's your fault she's insecure, but this will definitely make her feel worse about herself and cause you more headache then a glance at a cute butt was worth. I learned sometimes its better to state that you won't answer a question and let them know why. "I won't answer because no matter how I answer you'll take it wrong." And follow it up with the fact that if they'd like to discuss it, you'd be happy to. But that its a loaded question and unfair to both of you. If there are a few areas that she really feels strongly are causing her to feel badly about her life, then can you modify your behavior some to help her? Nothing that you feel is going to change the core aspects of who you are. But being sneaker checking out women isn't really a personality change, or a trait that's integral to who you are. Are there other areas she may have said she's had a problem with that you feel you could bend on? See if modifing your behavior helps any. If not, look into counselors for her, and see if she'd be willing to talk to someone about her insecurities.
Noos Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 She's not fat at all. Actaully, her BMI indicates that she's underweight and the treadmill use sounds compulsive. She needs therapy - she's either on the verge of an EO or she's already got one.
Author nelly011 Posted May 21, 2006 Author Posted May 21, 2006 Alright I need an opinion. My girlfriend wants to join a sorority on my campus. she doesn't think she can get in because she said shes not pretty enough(figured that was coming). The sorority is brand new to campus and I've never seen one of the girls that are in the sorority. So I say babe you can def get in. Your def pretty enough. Her reply is thanks I appreicate that my bf checks out girls in sororities. Is what I said wrong or classified as "checking" girls out because if it is I'll apologize if not then i don't know what to do? Thanks
norajane Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 Alright I need an opinion. My girlfriend wants to join a sorority on my campus. she doesn't think she can get in because she said shes not pretty enough(figured that was coming). The sorority is brand new to campus and I've never seen one of the girls that are in the sorority. So I say babe you can def get in. Your def pretty enough. Her reply is thanks I appreicate that my bf checks out girls in sororities. Is what I said wrong or classified as "checking" girls out because if it is I'll apologize if not then i don't know what to do? Thanks Your girlfriend needs professional help. She's only eating a cookie and rice and then jumping on the treadmill for hours. Extremely low self-esteem and belief that she's fat at 100 pounds is another huge red flag - the girl is anorexic and needs to get some help NOW. This will not get any better by anything you say or tell her about her looks. The problem is with her own self-image and she's got a warped view. Anorexics and others with eating disorders typically feel out of control in other areas of their lives, so they control the one thing they feel they can control - how much food they eat. Of course, our bodies need food, so she'll find her body fighting against her via hunger, which just makes her feel even more out of control. Her issues with you are one more thing she thinks she needs to try to control. Most universities have student health that deals with eating disorders and other psychological issues. Either go talk to a counselor yourself so that you are better able to understand and deal with her problem, or get her to with you, or try to get her to go by herself. Either way, she needs to get medical attention or she could starve and exercise herself into dehydration, malnutrition, and death - her heart could give out.
Guest Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Thanks. I'll try to find that link. I've never ever slept with any of my "girl" friends. There all practically my little sisters because I've known them for so long. She really is more beautiful than any of my friends but for some reason she thinks their 100 times skinnier than she is and that there so much more beautiful than she is. It just kills me because its not even like she gets annoyed at me...she actually gets full on mad at me to the point where she'll yell at me and then go shopping and not eat all day and then run on the treadmill for an hour straight. Shes not anorxic. I mean she may be showing signs of it because she'll only eat like a cookie and rice all day and then say shes fat and needs to run on the treadmill. If anyone else has any suggestions it would really help...thanks You need to GET RID OF HER! You can't teach self-esteem. I had a friend like this and she needed therapy. THere is nothing you can do. Sorry. She will only drag you down down down. She also needs medical help. She has BDD - body dysmorphic behavior where they only see flaws. Good luck.
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