Total rant

[Walk]

I'm dumb founded. Utterly dumb founded.

 

So my bf gets home.. granted, he just worked 40 hours straight okay, so he's obviously exhausted. I hear his car pull up and I get the coffee brewing (he really enjoys a cup when he gets home.) and I open the door. Usually his hands are full, so instead of having to juggle it all I try to get the door for him.

 

I made him corn bread muffins.. not scratch, but still... I bought him audio books yesterday, which weren't the most exciting but something for him to listen to while he's working and hopefully pass the time quicker. Worst case, they were $6, so he could toss 'em if they sucked.

 

Fixed the plumping under the sink that broke this morning. It completely came off the traps and dumped nasty dish water and coffee all over the kitchen floor. Covered it! But I got it all cleaned up and fixed before he got home.

 

Cleaned the house, washed his clothes, set out a fresh towel for him so he'd have it all clean and fluffy after a hard day of work.

 

I have this week off, so a large majority of this was done out of sheer boredom. Except for the sink.

 

Anyway, he walks in the door, I offer to take his bag while he gets his boots off and stuff. He jerks it away. I go make him a cup of coffee and he takes it from me and dumps it down the sink. Then says it would've gotten cold while he takes a shower. He takes a shower, sits down on the couch and immediate starts with....

 

"I hate when you jerk the door open. I don't want you greeting me at the door. It bugs me and I'm telling you not to do it anymore. And don't ever try to take my bag again. It's demasculating. Having a woman take a bag from a man... And last, what happened to asking me if I wanted coffee first, instead of just assuming?"

 

uh... whatever. I say okay. He sits there awhile pissy. I ask if he's hungry. Actually I'm pissed off and I'd love to scream at him for being an ass, but he hasn't slept in several days, and he just worked 40 hours straight and has to be back to work in less then 6 hours. Okay... I ask if he's like chicken. He says too spicy. I say hamburgers... no... He says I must be really hungry, I said not really... I had been, but getting my ass jumped really killed it. I tell him to let me know when he's hungry, and go back to reading the magazine I'd been reading while he took a shower. I turn the page, he says "If it's going to be like that, then I'm going to bed." Now he's sitting up there. I can hear him light cigarette's, one after the other.. click... click...

 

I knew this was coming... was too good, for too long...

 

I try to pull my fair share since he's paying for all the bills while I go to school. I try to give the benefit of the doubt because he's exhausted, and only sticking at this job because of me. He hates his job, and that in itself will cause animosity and anger.

 

f***in' a. this is retarded.

 

I'm done ranting, i guess. just pissed and hurt.

[jerbear]

Sorry to hear about his day.

 

Probably a bad day for him. let him be for a few hours then go say hi.

 

Keep posting if it helps.

[Touche]

Wow, WHAT a jerk! I'd never put up with that kind of behavior. NEVER!! You somehow need to let him know that you do NOT need him to support you. The balance of power is all in his favor. You not only don't need him to support you, you don't need to take a load of crap. I'd cease and desist ALL "favors." Stop greeting him at the door, stop with the coffee, stop with the offers of dinner. And I'd sit down with him and tell him that you know he works hard and you appreciate it. You know he's exhausted when he gets home but it gives him NO right to treat you the way he does when you're trying to be nice and helpful. I'd tell him that as it stands now, it's not working for you. And then I'd ask him what can be done to fix it. Then just see what he says.

 

He's either going to back off and change his ways because he'll be scared of losing you, or he'll tell you it's over. Might as well find out now..but continuing to let him treat you that way, should not be an option.

 

Goddess or doormat? Which one are you? Which one do you want to be?

[Alexandra]

Walk,

 

First off I know we had a minor run-in a while ago so I perfectly understand if you don't want to hear from me. Second, a rant, by definition is a venting exercise where one doesn't really expect feedback.

 

Despite those though.... it does sound like you have a lot on your plate. Emotionally at least. The decision you two took to have you finish school is absolutely admirable but having lived through a few of those situations and having helped others through them I know for a fact how strenous such times can be.

 

That it will take both of you -but especially you, the woman and the one going to school at that- an extraordinary amount of committment patience, diplomacy, calm and wisdom is no news. He has the more practical burdain, he needs to deal with long hours and frustration indeed but you on the other hand need to deal with those AND his reactions to what he has on his plate.

 

From the tone of your post it seems to me like you're having quite a bit of strength ammunition in your favour. Other women would have been far more hurt and upset to have had him (who possibly had a bad day at work or is just exhausted) react like that to kindness.

 

I have very little advice, I'm sure you know what could work, little things, like finding the right time to talk to him again and reaffirm both your commitment to the hard times in the name of what goals you want to achieve together, reassurance, intimacy, and so on.

 

You're walking a difficult line but I have a sense you'll do great at it!

[Walk]

The man is a veritable walking ball of fury, and I've gotten over trying to talk to him when he's like this.... He'll be pissed for days too, so it's not as though a few hours will make it better. *sigh*

 

Guess I'm more upset with the fact that I was really trying to go out of my way for him lately. Do extra nice things to show that I appreciate how hard he works. But doesn't matter what I do, he finds fault in it. Before he left it was comments about how I didn't make his to go cups fast enough and how I should've known he had to leave right then.. even though he didn't tell me. Then comments about how even my cooking is always f***ed up, half of it burnt the other half still frozen. yada yada yada.

 

Can I dis-invite my bf to my graduation party? Think I'd rather drink alone then have this thing come with me.

 

Thanks for the good thoughts Jerbear. You're right though.. he's just pissy about work. He needs sleep and a lot of time off. Hopefully he'll get the sleep.

[Art_Critic]

he's just pissy about work. He needs sleep and a lot of time off. Hopefully he'll get the sleep.

 

Why make excuses for his behavior ?

 

You are responsible for what you do and say and they are responsible for how they react to it..

 

And the same goes in reverse..

 

They are responsible for what they do and say and YOU are responsible for how you react to it.

 

 

Stop excusing his behavior and make him responsible for treating you like crap

[jerbear]

A few days? What is going on with him? Did he say anything other than be pissy?

 

If he gets sleep, wakes up, and still pissy, kick his ass! His behavior over the days is unacceptable. Has to be something, resentment, bad week... he has to say something.

 

Of course you can dis-invite him but I say it is a bad idea.

[kitten chick]

Sorry that you're still dealing with his anger Walk. Keep venting if it helps.

[Walk]

First off I know we had a minor run-in a while ago so I perfectly understand if you don't want to hear from me. Second, a rant, by definition is a venting exercise where one doesn't really expect feedback.

 

The decision you two took to have you finish school is absolutely admirable but having lived through a few of those situations and having helped others through them I know for a fact how strenous such times can be.

 

I don't carry grudges, and especially not from LS... so I'm open and willing to listen to any and all advice. Whats in the past is the past.. So please don't think I'm harboring any animosity toward you.

 

You implied you helped put someone through school. Were there things that your SO could've done to make things easier on you? Or make you feel like you weren't busting butt to make ends meet while they were coasting..? Especially in between semesters when the other person had more time on their hands.

 

His jobs pushing him for more and more, and I have this week off. Creates a lot of bad feelings in a person.

[Alexandra]

You implied you helped put someone through school. Were there things that your SO could've done to make things easier on you? Or make you feel like you weren't busting butt to make ends meet while they were coasting..?

 

That's a very good question. Of course they weren't doing half of what you are doing, they were just ungrateful bastards! - Joking but I have felt that at times, it's not unnatural, the trick is to catch yourself in time not to let it spill and men aren't all that good at rationalizing seemingly irrational feelings.

 

I don't think I can serve as an example on this. I've spent half of my life taking care of others (from a sick mother to a very young brother) so responsability wasn't new to me, neither was the mechanism in which to repress anger when it became too much and it all felt too unfair.

 

I've worked with men in his situation though and it seemed that despite how it is more expected socially it's still making them struggle at first. I'd guess it's his first time having to deal with taking care of someone other than himself, right? That he has that big of a responsability?

 

The way you help -in the house, in trying to serve him- show you care and appreciate it. Maybe you need to verbalize it more. Not in the whinny "Awww babe you're my hero" mode necessarily but in occasional serious conversations in which you positively reinforce his efforts by explaining they mean much to you as well as remind him of the goal. You can help him get through it if you keep his eyes on the prize.

 

Ultimately, while I strongly disagree with what was said above about him being a jerk and you needing to be bitchy in return, I think what you're doing takes FAR more strength, you might give the guilty feeling more thought and try to ease it. Even if you express appreciation it would help to be less weary of what to do and instead set firm mental goals (e.g. "Yeah it's tough on him but in two years I'll pull my weight ten fold after getting my career started" sort of thing).

 

In other words worrying about how he deals with this and helping him with it is admirable and necessary, letting him express too much anger is potentially damaging on the long term as you'll grow less and less secure and he'll get used to an abusive behaviour even after the stimulus is gone hence possibly creating a dysfunctional relationship.

[Walk]

Stop excusing his behavior and make him responsible for treating you like crap

 

He feels his boundaries were crossed. He didn't yell, he didn't scream.. just said this is the way it is.

 

wait.. I bytch on here all the time about what an ass this guy is, and always get the same responses. "don't let him treat you like that", "dump the guy" , etc. etc....

 

So obviously it's not something I've done (leave him) and I feel there's more benefit then bad in the relationship as an overall. But I'm starting to question my motives, and thought processes. Meaning.. I'm not so sure I'm not sticking it out just so I can graduate. Because without him, I wouldnt' have the added financial support I need in order to continue taking classes. Financially aid and loans still came up $3000 short of actually cost of attendance and that didn't cover living expenses. I really hope that's not the case... That's wrong. Evil, morally reprehensible... but every time I think about getting out, that's what comes to mind..... usually I'm pissed, so "I love him" is shoved pretty far down.

 

And I am absolutely mortified to anger him. Not that I'm scared of him, or think he'd hurt me.. but the emotional aspect of it. I feel like my body goes into shock. My brain shuts down, my heart rate skyrockets, I feel sick. So it's this twisted need to always keep him happy. And to keep him happy, I can't bring up things I feel are wrong. Like this for instance. And he doesn't see how it's wrong, so to him I'm pitching a fit about something that he felt justified in doing.

 

Worse yet... half the shyt he says now I don't even listen to.. Or I listen with half an ear. If this had happened even six months ago I would've been sobbing on the floor... Now, I'm really just wasting time because I'm angry and bored... Which means I dont respect him, or his views... I've been pulling back from the relationship, and he's commented on it this week. But I'm still pissed about something that happened nearly 2 years ago, and we've discussed until it's worn the f*** out, but we still don't see eye to eye on it.

 

I don't know... I know I've gotta either grow a back bone and to hell with his anger, or figure something else out... He doesn't see how any of this could even possibly be him. He thinks he's justified, no.. he's doing me a favor, by explaining the rules and guidliness so that we can get along in peace. And I absolutely hate authority.

 

Never mine.. I'm drinking.. so half this craps cause I'm getting tipsy...

[Art_Critic]

He feels his boundaries were crossed. He didn't yell, he didn't scream.. just said this is the way it is.

 

wait.. I bytch on here all the time about what an ass this guy is, and always get the same responses. "don't let him treat you like that", "dump the guy" , etc. etc....

 

So obviously it's not something I've done (leave him) and I feel there's more benefit then bad in the relationship as an overall. But I'm starting to question my motives, and thought processes. Meaning.. I'm not so sure I'm not sticking it out just so I can graduate. Because without him, I wouldnt' have the added financial support I need in order to continue taking classes. Financially aid and loans still came up $3000 short of actually cost of attendance and that didn't cover living expenses. I really hope that's not the case... That's wrong. Evil, morally reprehensible... but every time I think about getting out, that's what comes to mind..... usually I'm pissed, so "I love him" is shoved pretty far down.

 

And I am absolutely mortified to anger him. Not that I'm scared of him, or think he'd hurt me.. but the emotional aspect of it. I feel like my body goes into shock. My brain shuts down, my heart rate skyrockets, I feel sick. So it's this twisted need to always keep him happy. And to keep him happy, I can't bring up things I feel are wrong. Like this for instance. And he doesn't see how it's wrong, so to him I'm pitching a fit about something that he felt justified in doing.

 

Worse yet... half the shyt he says now I don't even listen to.. Or I listen with half an ear. If this had happened even six months ago I would've been sobbing on the floor... Now, I'm really just wasting time because I'm angry and bored... Which means I dont respect him, or his views... I've been pulling back from the relationship, and he's commented on it this week. But I'm still pissed about something that happened nearly 2 years ago, and we've discussed until it's worn the f*** out, but we still don't see eye to eye on it.

 

I don't know... I know I've gotta either grow a back bone and to hell with his anger, or figure something else out... He doesn't see how any of this could even possibly be him. He thinks he's justified, no.. he's doing me a favor, by explaining the rules and guidliness so that we can get along in peace. And I absolutely hate authority.

 

Never mine.. I'm drinking.. so half this craps cause I'm getting tipsy...

 

I never said dump him.. I said to stop excusing his behavior

 

 

Please re-read your entire post to me as if you were someone else and you were reading it to give them advice..

 

interesting huh ?

 

 

Boundaries are important.. you need to show him where yours are..

[jerbear]

Never mine.. I'm drinking.. so half this craps cause I'm getting tipsy...

 

Both of you seem to be upset and pissing each other off more.

 

Alcohol is bad and can escalate the issues. He crossed the line, you are upset, he is pissed, you are pissed.

 

I think you two need to take a step back, goto each other's respective corner, calm down, then talk.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Walk,

 

May I ask how old you and your BF are? He sounds very immature to me... because he cannot control his emotions and seems to fire at anyone closest to him just because he's 'tired'. Geez... that's the LAMEST excuse for being an a**-hole!

 

He is putting you down for no fault of yours... I hope you understand that part. It is really up to you to decide what to do about this temper of his. Being on LS is definitely a good way - I wish I knew about LS 10 years ago!! ( I would definitely NOT have married my H!)

[Walk]

Alexandra

 

We just had a huge discussion on sunday about this... which is partly why I don't understand the level of animosity from him. I'm going to be done in one year, I promised him that. Let him know what career I was planning, what level of income that provided, and that I would then be happy to take over all the bills for as long as he would like... I trust he won't say years...

 

I really thought he understood that I was going to do everything in my power to ensure this didn't go on indefinitely, but had a set end point. April '07.

 

But he doesn't believe I'll actually get a job after that. He's experience has been that women use men for money. Take and take... They quit their jobs and "say" they're going to school. Then fail all their classes and it never ends... And since I just failed my first class...... I'm wondering if he's starting to think I might get into that cycle.

 

He's had responsibility before. He took care of his mother while she was dying. Took her for dyalisis (sp?), paid all the bills, and took care of his 5 yr old nephew all at the same time. Arranged and paid for her funeral, etc.. But I swear he can't handle stress...

[Touche]

He feels his boundaries were crossed. He didn't yell, he didn't scream.. just said this is the way it is.

 

wait.. I bytch on here all the time about what an ass this guy is, and always get the same responses. "don't let him treat you like that", "dump the guy" , etc. etc....

 

So obviously it's not something I've done (leave him) and I feel there's more benefit then bad in the relationship as an overall. But I'm starting to question my motives, and thought processes. Meaning.. I'm not so sure I'm not sticking it out just so I can graduate. Because without him, I wouldnt' have the added financial support I need in order to continue taking classes. Financially aid and loans still came up $3000 short of actually cost of attendance and that didn't cover living expenses. I really hope that's not the case... That's wrong. Evil, morally reprehensible... but every time I think about getting out, that's what comes to mind..... usually I'm pissed, so "I love him" is shoved pretty far down.

 

And I am absolutely mortified to anger him. Not that I'm scared of him, or think he'd hurt me.. but the emotional aspect of it. I feel like my body goes into shock. My brain shuts down, my heart rate skyrockets, I feel sick. So it's this twisted need to always keep him happy. And to keep him happy, I can't bring up things I feel are wrong. Like this for instance. And he doesn't see how it's wrong, so to him I'm pitching a fit about something that he felt justified in doing.

 

Worse yet... half the shyt he says now I don't even listen to.. Or I listen with half an ear. If this had happened even six months ago I would've been sobbing on the floor... Now, I'm really just wasting time because I'm angry and bored... Which means I dont respect him, or his views... I've been pulling back from the relationship, and he's commented on it this week. But I'm still pissed about something that happened nearly 2 years ago, and we've discussed until it's worn the f*** out, but we still don't see eye to eye on it.

 

I don't know... I know I've gotta either grow a back bone and to hell with his anger, or figure something else out... He doesn't see how any of this could even possibly be him. He thinks he's justified, no.. he's doing me a favor, by explaining the rules and guidliness so that we can get along in peace. And I absolutely hate authority.

 

Never mine.. I'm drinking.. so half this craps cause I'm getting tipsy...

 

So you are just using him now. Well, only you can decide if you can live with that. What a s***ty situation. He sounds just like my ex-husband. Ugh. And you sound exactly like me when I was with him. Only I could never use somone like that. I was with him because I loved him. But he did not appreciate nor deserve my love. So I left. And so should you. There is more than one way to skin a cat. You can still finish school. Maybe it will take a little longer, but you CAN finish without taking someone's abuse. Where's your pride? Where is your integrity?

[TeaCooler]

i think if i were supporting someone so they can go to school, i would also be pretty annoyed if that person failed a class.

 

is there a reason you failed? or rather, why did you fail?

 

maybe he's thinking you should spend less time hovering over him and more time on your homework.

 

just a thought.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

We just had a huge discussion on sunday about this... which is partly why I don't understand the level of animosity from him. I'm going to be done in one year, I promised him that. Let him know what career I was planning, what level of income that provided, and that I would then be happy to take over all the bills for as long as he would like... I trust he won't say years...

 

I really thought he understood that I was going to do everything in my power to ensure this didn't go on indefinitely, but had a set end point. April '07.

 

But he doesn't believe I'll actually get a job after that. He's experience has been that women use men for money. Take and take... They quit their jobs and "say" they're going to school. Then fail all their classes and it never ends... And since I just failed my first class...... I'm wondering if he's starting to think I might get into that cycle.

 

He's had responsibility before. He took care of his mother while she was dying. Took her for dyalisis (sp?), paid all the bills, and took care of his 5 yr old nephew all at the same time. Arranged and paid for her funeral, etc.. But I swear he can't handle stress...

 

You know what you sound like you are making a deal with the devil: take care of me until I finish school and then you can have my soul for as long as you please.

 

When I finally put my foot down and told my husband in no uncertain terms that I was going to leave him if he doesn't change for the better (ie. being more considerate, more helpful around the house, more understanding, more affectionate, etc..) - he started to change. His attitude improved and he is treating me better. You see, as long as you "allow" him to walk all over you, he will!!

 

Take care of youself.

PS. I still want to know how old you are.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Walk said:

I don't know... I know I've gotta either grow a back bone and to hell with his anger, or figure something else out... He doesn't see how any of this could even possibly be him. He thinks he's justified...

 

He just sounds very egocentric.

[Walk]

I never said dump him.. I said to stop excusing his behavior

 

Please re-read your entire post to me as if you were someone else and you were reading it to give them advice..

 

Boundaries are important.. you need to show him where yours are..

I know you didn't say dump him. Others have so I added that.

 

I re-read it.... I know I have some screwed up issues. Otherwise I wouldn't be on here. But this same issue of not wanting to anger him, is the same issue I have with EVERYONE. Not just him. My family, my friends, my co-workers, boss, the mail lady... Everyone. Do I just grab my proveribial balls and say to hell with it? Let the cards fall where they may? I can't!!! I have no balls!!! (that's a joke.. btw)

 

re-reading...

 

I think I'm nuts. that's what I just read.

 

I'm not sure.. I'd say she has to deal with her fear of upsetting people. That she shouldn't put up with his shyt. That she should talk to him about it, and try to get him to understand how hurtful he is, and if he doesn't, then she should leave.

 

And I would say she needs to stand her ground or it'll happen again, and again...

Ever hear that Johnny Cash song "I won't back down.." good song.

 

Thanks Art.. I think I figured out a small part of it...

[Walk]

So you are just using him now. Well, only you can decide if you can live with that. What a s***ty situation. He sounds just like my ex-husband. Ugh.

 

I didn't say I was, I said I feared I was.... Big difference really. If I don't worry about it, then it could become a reality.

 

And the dilema I'm hit with is that he's absolutely fantastic the majority of the time, but for these occasions of extreme a**h***ness. So I weigh the good and the bad..... A few words while he's in sleep deprevation from not sleeping more than 6 hours in the last 3 days.... or the 2 years of unending support and love and caring.... then another instance of him being kind ass.. It's not all bad.. or I would just leave.

 

Where's your pride? Where is your integrity

I've been looking for those. Think I left them somewhere in North carolina...

[Walk]

i think if i were supporting someone so they can go to school, i would also be pretty annoyed if that person failed a class.

 

is there a reason you failed? or rather, why did you fail?

 

maybe he's thinking you should spend less time hovering over him and more time on your homework.

 

just a thought.

Quite possible.

 

I failed because I honestly did not understand anything in that class. he taught theory, and tested in practical application. I got 4.0's in the other four classes I took... I even had my bf to help me study for the final in teh one I failed.

 

But I could see how it would bother someone if you don't actively see them studying or working on classes work.

[Walk]

PS. I still want to know how old you are.

31... bf's 32. 6 months older than me.

 

You said he's changed... How long has it been?

[Alexandra]

We just had a huge discussion on sunday about this... which is partly why I don't understand the level of animosity from him.

 

These are the sort of talks that bear repeating, hard as it is. Especially since he seems to have a history that may point to the contrary. And in between the talks you need to find ways of reminding him of them. I understand how you'd feel fearful to do so because of a dismissive or angry reaction but if you keep at it they will diminish and eventually pay dividends.

 

What you concluded after A_C helped you see is valuable too. That is a deeper issue and you will have to deal with it later but I'm not sure it's a good time to do so now when you deal with school and a strained relationship.

 

Where's your pride? Where is your integrity?

I've been looking for those. Think I left them somewhere in North carolina...

 

There's plenty of pride and integrity in fighting for a relationship. That she can handle things in a different manner at times, maybe. But it's for this that she's fighting

 

And the dilema I'm hit with is that he's absolutely fantastic the majority of the time, but for these occasions of extreme a**h***ness. So I weigh the good and the bad..... A few words while he's in sleep deprevation from not sleeping more than 6 hours in the last 3 days.... or the 2 years of unending support and love and caring.... then another instance of him being kind ass.. It's not all bad.. or I would just leave.

 

....and I for one think she deserves a round of applause for thinking things over and trying to grow stronger not a slap on the wrist.

 

Walk you were upset, you made it sound like he was constantly abusive, like you are potentially afraid to leave for financial concerns, like he was insensitive and all bad. I would bet that's not the case. You've been upset, you're probably tired and tipsy -you said- at this point. Could you get some rest and post again tomorrow and try and make up a "Positive Vs. Negative in My Relationship" list? Not a comparison either, two list rather, one for good things one for bad things. It may give you some clarity.

[TeaCooler]

Quite possible.

 

I failed because I honestly did not understand anything in that class. he taught theory, and tested in practical application. I got 4.0's in the other four classes I took... I even had my bf to help me study for the final in teh one I failed.

 

But I could see how it would bother someone if you don't actively see them studying or working on classes work.

 

could you drop it somehow?