scobro Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 I have been seeing this woman 23 for the last 4 months I am 35.Her last relationship the guy was 38 and very obsessive when they broke up.She has had to have restraining orders and phone numbers changed etc.I knew this when we first were dating and went with it.Well 4 months later we get along amazing everything good the only thing I noticed is she is very different when it comes to views on commitment.She doesn't date around is loyal but just feels uncomfortable when the subject of our relationship comes up.She would never admit to being my "girlfriend" calls it the g word, but would call me 4 times a day see me at night and stay over on weekends.We did things together and in my eyes were a "couple".I found out she suffers from what I think is depression but won't get help and just deals with it.She acted all depressed like a different person a month ago and said we need to slow things down because she wasn't ready to jump into a "serious" relationship.The strange thing is nothing changed she never slowed down and we did all the same things we normally would do and sex was geting better and better and we were becoming closer. She went away for a week last week on a cruise her sister was getting married and when she came back she was in her depressed different person mood.I said to her she is acting real different and distant and she kept telling me it's not fair to me she is so cold and pushing me away and she is not right in the head.She later that night called and we talked about it some more and she said she just isn't ready for anything serious and we need to slow things down to a complete stop and be good friends because she needs time to figure things out.I asked her the usual is it someone else or is it the way she feels about me changed.She said we are fine it is becoming too serious and she looks at commitment different than I do.So now I am giving her space and time and said I don't have any expectations of us in the future but what should I do if she calls and wants to workout which we always did together or if she calls to say Hi.I have strong feelings for her and don't want to get roped along but am willing to give her time if she needs it to come around.Is this a breakup or just time apart for a while.
Numbheart Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Is this a breakup or just time apart for a while. Who knows at this point?....from what you have said it sounds like she is trying to tell you she wants to break up. However, also from what you have said about how she has acted previously, I think you will have to wait this out and see what happens, maybe she is confused and will shortly be back in touch, there may be a small possibility she is doing this to see if you contact her? This early I see no certain answer to your question and I think only time will tell.....try not to give into temptation and allow her the space she asks for, it may work wonders.
gfto Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 It's a breakup.....for good. Sorry to say it. Anytime a woman tells you she wants to "slow things down," you're out. Don't sit around giving her time. She doesn't need it. Get new phone numbers from the ladies.
GB111 Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 Drop it. Move on. There's someone else out there. Don't torture yourself.
daphne Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 Whenever someone uses the commitmentphobe approach it generally means they're not into you enough to commit. Even if they really are a commitmentphobe, you're better off running. No. Sprinting.
westernxer Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 What did she do on her cruise, besides booze and schmooze?
Author scobro Posted May 4, 2006 Author Posted May 4, 2006 What did she do on her cruise, besides booze and schmooze? She said she hung out with gays and caught some rays. this chick is just one of those it's all about me I can't commit women.Really,her last relationship she was 19 and libved with a 35 year old who manipulated her abused her emotionally and physically so she has ton and tons of baggage that I thought she might overcome in a few months with a normal guy.The fact is she says I treat her so good that she doesn't know how to return the gesture because she says she is not sensitive and doesn'treally feel.......So this is what I am dealing with.She is stunning though and a fire cracker personality but just has tons of issues on what a real relationship and commitment is and baggage from her last breakup.It's weird because her family is like the Waltons but she is so disfunctional.
westernxer Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 ...she has ton and tons of baggage that I thought she might overcome in a few months with a normal guy. If only that were true.
Mz. Pixie Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 She said she hung out with gays and caught some rays. this chick is just one of those it's all about me I can't commit women.. Sco- Didn't you just separate from a woman who is "all about herself" and dysfunctional?? I would think that you would want to stay away from women like that. Let's try going against the usual type and find someone who is into YOU!
Author scobro Posted May 4, 2006 Author Posted May 4, 2006 would think that you would want to stay away from women like that. Let's try going against the usual type and find someone who is into YOU! I think I am a magnet for hot disfunctional women.
Mz. Pixie Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 You may want to really think about WHY you do that Sco. You've got a pattern and I think some counseling might help you to figure out exactly why you do that rather than pick some normal girl who would adore you and treat you right. I think you have the opinion that to have a beautiful hot girl you have to sacrifice some of the other things you want in a relationship- which is simply not true.
Author scobro Posted May 4, 2006 Author Posted May 4, 2006 Yeah but us Canadians are whacky people when it comes to relationships that's why we do it doggy style most often so both people can watch the hockey game;) Nah ...I know what you mean i seem to have some pattern but in both cases the women pursued me and I just sort of went with it.
Author scobro Posted May 4, 2006 Author Posted May 4, 2006 some normal girl who would adore you and treat you right. I am conviced that doesn't exist because it never has happened in all my 35 years on the planet.I am just not attracted to normal for some reason.
dgiirl Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 Yeah but us Canadians are whacky people when it comes to relationships that's why we do it doggy style most often so both people can watch the hockey game;) lol speak for yourself! I hate hockey
YellowLioness Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 I don't know your history like Pixie, but I have some things I'd like to say to you: 1) You are wrong. It's not that you are NOT attracted to normal. You are just attracted to unhealthy. 2) You can't save anyone. Having loved myself someone who was really beyond any "help" I could give, I learned that the hard way. It sounds like you are, too. 3) Maybe you are the one who is somewhat afraid of commitment. Maybe that it why you choose women who are emotional unavailable. It's the "nice guy" syndrome. 4) Sounds like you could use some counseling yourself. A therapist would be able to help you out far better then we can. Oh, and as to the original intent of your post: She may be done with you. She may not be. What you should be asking yourself is why you'd want to hang around and wait for someone who doesn't have the capability to be what you want? And she doesn't. Not right now. You could probably wait on her forever, and she'd never be ready. If she wanted to committ to you, she'd have done it before she went on that cruise. Good luck, dearie.
Chinook Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 this chick is just one of those it's all about me I can't commit women.Really,her last relationship she was 19 and libved with a 35 year old who manipulated her abused her emotionally and physically so she has ton and tons of baggage that I thought she might overcome in a few months with a normal guy.The fact is she says I treat her so good that she doesn't know how to return the gesture because she says she is not sensitive and doesn'treally feel.......So this is what I am dealing with.She is stunning though and a fire cracker personality but just has tons of issues on what a real relationship and commitment is and baggage from her last breakup.It's weird because her family is like the Waltons but she is so disfunctional. Sorry. I think it's an excuse. I simply don't think she's into you enough to commit. She's committed before to people, why not you...? Fact is, she is the one with the issues... not you. She is the one who can't feel. Not you. She is the one who doesn't want to be cornered. Not you. Personally, I think to myself... why the hell do people bother dating when they know they don't want to get into this s***..?! I think if you let her... this break up would be the start of a round-and-round backwards-and-forwards rollercoaster of on/off. You have to decide whether you want that only to lose out in the end...? See, the thing is... at the beginning, it's great. Everything is wonderful. But you know... after a while, things should settle down - where you grow into a place of love, respect and honouring the person who you're with. That includes being straight with them about how you feel. If it were me, I would take it that she simply didn't feel the same way about you as you did about her. It wasn't anything YOU did. It wasn't anything YOU said. SHE is reacting to HER own internal feelings, her own internal desires and her own internal expectations. None of those things probably have anything to do with what you said or did, or even who you are! She just changed how she was feeling. If I were you I would simply walk away with your integrity intact, and avoid these kind of women in the future (yeah, like THAT is easy!)
Author scobro Posted May 7, 2006 Author Posted May 7, 2006 If I were you I would simply walk away with your integrity intact, and avoid these kind of women in the future (yeah, like THAT is easy!) i HAVE been walking I don't contact her at all , she keeps calling me to see if I want to go to workout with her at the gym we go to.She also refuses to leave my extra set of apartment keys she has with someone I know and must give them to me in person.She says she feels weird leaving them with someone.The more i do NC the more she contacts and e-mails me.......so I don't know waz up here at all it's just a big head game.It sucks cuz I miss her but I know this whole be friends thing will be weird.The day after she said she can't date anyone right now she wanted to go to the gym with me.....usually we are all over each other now it's all different with some kind of sexual tension she even made a joke when we rubbed shoulders and said sarcastically "no touching".Usually saying goodbye at night ended with about 20 minutes of making out and fondling in the car and would lead to going up to my apt now it's like "ok see ya" So its all messed up maybe an age thing I don't know.I wish I never fell so hard for this woman and I know I did because I have that wretched feeling in the stomach and wake up at night in anxiety........ahhh isn't life grand?
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