country gal Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 i'm not even sure what my question is. i'm just looking for feedback on this. i've been with a guy for 2 months (although we talked for 3 prior to this... he was out of the country). we get along great. have a good physical relationship and a good non-physical relationship. he talk about alot. he seems so happy to see me and is often trying to plan for our next encounter (i have a busy schedule). he shares his writings and musical compositions with me. i'm pretty sure that he really likes me.... my problem is, he never says how he feels about me - at all. he'll compliment me on things and he'll do nice things for me and what a great smile he greets me with! but i would really like to hear it! i dont know if this is a common thing. usually the men i date cant wait to tell me how they feel about me. also, my new man has been out of the dating scene for about 7 years and seems to have some mistrust when it comes to women - although i think he trusts me. not sure if that has something to do with it. he just seems so guarded, which makes me more guarded than i would like to be - and uneasy as a result! anyway, any comments or suggestions are welcome. thanks!
SuperMonk Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 His guardedness is obviously a sign of baggage, he does like you that's a good thing and could be the only way for you to open him up. Try not to sound judgemental if you do open him up and he talks about himself. As a guarded person myself, I wouldn't appreciate it if someone where to say "You should've..." "I wouldn't have done that..." it makes the guarded person like myself feel even more guarded and closed off. Ask open ended questions and tell similar actions that he may be ashamed of to bring closer bonds. I'm not saying faking it cause obviously conciously telling your life will conciously allow him to a part of himself. Isn't that want makes a relationship stronger? Knowing each other deeply the goods and bads.
mattea Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 country gal i feel like i could have written that post! my boyfriend and i have been together for about 5 or 6 months now. his actions say he really likes me - wants to spend lots of time together, is affectionate, includes me in his friendships, tells me things about his work, interests, family, etc. but he doesn't vocalize how he feels about me. i'm thinking people communicate differently. at one point i was getting frustrated with the lack of verbal communication and i told him i just wasn't really sure how he felt about me. he seemed shocked, and said something like "i thought it was obvious by how much time i want to spend with you, but i guess i shouldn't assume that". then he told me how he feels about me. this sort of build-up of my frustration has happened a couple times, followed by a conversation where he then tells me how he feels. what i am saying is, you might have to accept that it doesn't come naturally for him to openly tell you those feelings - he might think it's obvious based on his actions - *he* might not have a need to hear those things (actions might be enough for him) - and therefore he might not get that you need to hear his feelings. the hard part is that if/when you want to know, you might have to ask. that's tough because asking is putting yourself out there to maybe hear something you don't want to hear. even though you tell him once that in addition to his actions you need to hear his feelings expressed verbally, it won't necessarily mean that from then on he'll start verbalizing regularly, if that doesn't come naturally to him. with my b/f i am trying to accept him the way he is, ask for what i need in the moment, and not let it get to me that i have to ask. it's not always easy! like you, my last couple boyfriends have been very expressive about their feelings.
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