Drewau2005 Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Hi My wife and I have been seperated for some months. She has initiated any contact in recent times after leaving me a card saying it was all over. At that stage I made no contact and, eventually she called to say she missed me. We have seen each other a few times since them and it has been amicable. When she has called I have always acted friendly but apathetic. She just called to ask if she could borrow a heater and I agreed and she is picking it up while I am at work. All very polite and respectful. My question is what do I do know ? What do I need to do to rekindle the relationship without scaring her away ? I feel there is still something there form her point of view and there certainly is from mine. We have been married 9 years. Any thoughts greatly appreciated and good luck to everyone. Drew
Alexandra Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Ummm I'm sorry Drew, I'm not very clear, I must be missing some info. You've been married for 9 years and then she all of a sudden left a card of all things and ended it? Even more, you left it at that? We're missing a lot of background here. What caused the split, how come you were reacting like that to it and so on.
Author Drewau2005 Posted May 3, 2006 Author Posted May 3, 2006 Hi Aleaxandra, Yes, sorry I did leave a few things out. We have been married for 9 years and things have been relatively good at least up until August. My wife has been undertaking a lot of new age courses in the last 2 years and he reason for leaving was that we 'were on different paths'. I was aware that we had drifted a little in the 2 months or so before she left and tried to get her to do things that we could bothe enjoy -movies, ete ect. We have had lots of great times together so her decision came as a a bolt from the blue. With her new age interests she only really wanted to do things in that area and not anything else. I tried to be supportive, and indeed, if I say so myself I was but to no avail. Her family background was a little unstable and I feel she is still searching for something. I just wish I could help her find it. As I said she has made attempts at contact and i would really love things to get back on track but my poor heart has been trampled. Drew
Alexandra Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Thanks for that, that makes far more sense... So it's been a few months now of limited contact. How do you feel? I do understand you want to make it work but to have played the past few months so "cool" so to speak it must indicate something, either that you needed a break yourself or that you are just that insightful and have that much will power and thought it would have an effect on her. Now back to her for a bit. First a hazardous question. Are you absolutely sure that it was only the "different paths" and never about a potential romantic interest? The reason why I ask is that very often out-of-the-blue splits are caused by such situations and the answer on how to fix that is a tad different from how to fix a lack of common interests. Her interest in the philosophy -if it's rather a movement I apologise, not completely sure about that one- is not a bad thing in itself, often times partners having found a personal interest helps the relationship, that it didn't in your case can indeed be connected to many things, older deeper issues in the marriage that matured, her family history, etc Her taking up the interest -especially with that much fervour- sound like as a form of escapism. I know your question was only about now, how to handle contact now but the reason I dwelve on these is because I don't believe a marriage is better served if a break or a conflict -be it a civilized silent conflict like yours- is swept under the carpet and forgotten before both partners have looked into what causes. Sometimes if that's attempted the same unresolved deeper issues come back later on and cause the same undesirable reaction and you wouldn't want that. There are no children, right? Has she said she wanted a divorce? Theoretical issues aside, you do indeed need to carry a careful attitude for now and up until you know what her intentions are but to find out what they are, and depending on what sort of communication you two had previously, talk to her, ask her about what she feels and wants. Evidently not while she picks up the heater though Maybe take her out for dinner one evening could work... would that be too formal? But again, reconciliation aside, whatever caused this won't just vanish unless you both understand what it was and eliminate it.
Author Drewau2005 Posted May 3, 2006 Author Posted May 3, 2006 Hi Aleaxandra, Thanks for your reply and your wisdom. You are absolutely right, what caused it is the nub of the issue and I guess that is what I don't really know. The explanantions she gave I met with what I thought was logical explanantions that 'different paths are often healthy' and similar arguments. I think the real reason is that she has been continually searching for something and needs to do that on her own. We don't have children but I am ready to consider that. Also I work in financial markets and tend to be practical by necesssity and not spend a lot of time pondering meaning. That said, I do think deeply about things but tend to be happy with my lot. She has mentioned divorce but only in passing. I just wish she could accommodate her search within the marriage and that I could facilitate that. It hurts. Drew
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