My BF is sick, or maybe I'm just overreacting

[cathyB]

Hey guys,

I'm currently with a guy, and yesterday I discovered that he masturbates looking at photos of girl mates that he knows. He has a sort of diary on his laptop, and I was probably wrong in doing so but I read it. I don't know what to do. It hurts a lot, I mean I knew he looked at porn, he has admitted to that, & I am cool with it. But photographs of girls he knows??

 

These aren't just random girls, these are girls he claims to be mates with. Reading his diary, he says that he is in love with me, but sometimes he can't help fantasizing, and that he feels guilty, but he'd never do it in real life.

 

Honestly I felt so sick and hurt & I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him about the topic (but it's hard seeing as I don't want him to know I went through his diary). And he seems to imply that he isn't physically attracted to any1 but me (bar celebs).

 

I guess I have a few questions. What he is doing, is that normal behaviour?? I mean looking at porno is one thing, but fantasizing about people you claim to be your friends?? Should I tell him I read his diary? It's just all a lot to take atm.

 

Thanks in advance x

[TeaCooler]

well...okay, think of it this way...

 

do you really think you can change what happens in his mind? even if you ask him to stop (and if you do, he will think you're being ridiculous) it doesn't mean that he is going to stop.

 

and even if he promises to, you will never know if he did or didn't. so why not just let it go and pretend it doesn't bother you, because this is something you cannot control?you cannot control someone else's thoughts. "Do not think about this" does not work.

 

if you cannot deal with this, move on and find someone new. the new one will undoubtedly fantasize about other women as well, but try harder this time not to have it confirmed so it doesn't bother you as much.

[whichwayisup]

The fact that you snooped and invaded HIS privacy and found out something that was PRIVATE and personal (doesn't mean he is going to act upon it, he just jerks off to it) I don't think you should be too worried quite yet. Meaning, he loves you, he's not going to cheat on you.

 

The only reason why this is upsetting you is because you found out about his private thoughts.

 

DO you ever fantasize (if) when you masterbate alone? Are your thoughts ONLY of him, or does your mind wander to other men, maybe some you know, or saw, or some 'made' up guy? If yes, then the only difference is, he's beating off to women that he knows and finds attractive, and that there are photo's, not in his imagination.

 

This now is a huge problem for you. You're feeling insecure and wondering/doubting the relationship and how serious he is towards you.

 

Two things you can do. Come clean and tell him you read his diary, or just put this out of your head and chalk it up as 'I will never snoop again' and leave it in the past.

 

How good is the relationship minus this one issue?

[cathyB]

Thanks for both your replies.

 

Well it has it's ups and downs, a lot of the time I think he is getting bored of me (which he does, I can tell, as much as he'd like to deny it). Right now it is on an up, well it was till I found this. I understand I made a mistake, I shouldn't have snooped.

 

My bf never really did anything to make me feel insecure directly, he doesn't flirt with girls etc etc. Just I always felt he never wanted me as much as he wanted me in the start, but hey guys are all for the thrill of the chase. But I think he is settled now, and he is taking me for granted. I do think he's changed, but I know I can't live without him, well I can obviously, but I'd be unhappy.

 

I am insecure, because he's known some of these girls for ages. One in particular hates me (I don't know why). We have frequent convos about who we think is attractive etc. He always maintains this girl is good looking but he is not attracted to her, and that he thinks she is square etc. But then I find out he's fantasizing about her...I guess it just pisses me off that he is saying these things to please me, or 2 afraid to say them cos he doesn't want to lose me. I'm not bitchy, I still let him me friends with this girl despite the fact she hates me, but now I find out he's fantasizing abt her??? Oh forgot to add this girl is also his best friend's girlfriend of a few years. It's immoral on so many levels, albeit a fantasy or whatever.

 

Moreover, some of the girls really aren't attractive at all, but he's still jerking off to them, and it's not doing my securities any good. I wish I'd just forced myself not to look now....

 

Honestly I don't think he will cheat on me, he takes care of me so much (tho sumtyms I am paranoid that he is just going with the flow, and following the rules of a bf, rather than what he wants to do).

 

I just feel a bit dirty over the last few days, especially when he touches me, luckily it's that time of the month, so I can use that as an excuse to not do stuff. I guess more than anything it was a shock, I thought guys looked at porno.

 

Even single guys for that matter, I would have thought they fantasize abt chicks they don't know so well NOT chicks who are their friends. I have a ton of guy friends, & honestly if I knew they whacked off over me I'd be pretty sickened.

[whichwayisup]

Time to just take the bull by the horns and make plans to take him away somewhere for a long weekend. Go to a bed and breakfast, be romantic and get away from your daily routine.

 

You will forget about his whacking off fantasies. Make yourself forget because otherwise you'll drive yourself NUTS.

[Walk]

IMO, I would think that you're more upset by the fact that he hasn't been honest with you. Obviously he lied to spare your feelings, but now that you know the truth, your less likely to believe him next time he says he isn't doing something, or wouldn't. Or doesnt' find so and so attractive, or even states that you are the most beautiful, etc. This would cause me the most problems if I were in your situation... I wouldn't be able to believe that he was telling the absolute truth, and would doubt his compliments and words.

 

It might be better to confront this issue rather than try to put it out of your mind. But you'll need to do it with some kind of solution in mind, or a plan toward creating a more passionate relationship.

 

I think the only way you'll be able to re-establish that basis of trust is if you're able to talk to him about this. And not in an accusing way, but more to find out what is going on in his head. Why he feels this way, what is missing from the relationship, areas he'd like to see spiced up, things you can do to make things more exciting for him, etc. Talk to him with an open mind (no defensiveness or hurt feelings) and an outline for things you can possibly do to help create more spice in the relationship.

 

Put it this way... I don't want to know if my bf is fantasizing about other women, but I would rather know if the relationship was getting lackluster, then have it fester quietly in the background until it was too big a problem to fix. Your bf should feel comfortable enough to talk to you about his level of satisfaction in the relationship, but I don't think he does. Which means you'll have to work on making him feel safer in coming to you with any problems he may be experiencing... even if it's not something you may want to hear. But your job is to not react negatively, to keep a level head, and accept whatever he has to say, good or bad. Then work together to find solutions to these problems.

 

Instead of saying you read his journal, you could flip it around. Pretend your the one who's fantasizing about male friends. Not to make him jealous, but to bring to light the fact that you are concerned that maybe you're sex life needs some more passion. And then discuss ways to increase that.

 

Or you could just ask him how he feels about your sex life. If he just says it's fine, then ask what he likes, doesn't like, things he'd like to see more of. Area's you could work on. Maybe by being more forceful in bed, or different positions, etc... You'll have to do the digging to find answers, but the more often you do this, the safer he'll feel in offering his thoughts and feelings. Especially if you're able to do this without getting upset about what he says and not taking it as a direct insult to your sexual abilities.

 

Ask what his fantasies are, share yours... Really, honestly strive to make it as open and safe as possible so that he could come to you and say he fantasies about so and so, and know you aren't going to go screaming from the room in a ball of tears. You need him to be honest, but he can't at this point. So you have to create the environment so he can be honest with you, even if it's not something you want to hear.

 

It's easier to deal with problems as they arise, rather than push them in the dark and pretend they don't exist. They tend to come back more powerful and bigger then they started as.

[cathyB]

Hey guys I took your advice, and I confronted him about it. To cut a long story short he got really upset that I invaded his privacy, and we had a really big fight. I told him that I thought he was a sick ******. And we broke up. So for about a week no contact, he came over to give me some of my stuff back, and we started talking. And anyway one thing lead to another, and here I am back with him.

 

He said that I could read everything on his laptop, so that I could see the worst....And that after that, if I didn't trust him or whatever, then he would realise that this couldn't work, & 'd go our separate ways. All sounds hunky dori huh??

 

Well I read thru all his diaries. It's just, some of the stuff sounds sooo sick, that I swear it can't be normal. I just want to know if it is normal for guys to fantasize about their friends?? He even went to the extent of editing the fotos to make them dirty, increasing the size of their b's etc...and, well I've told him I'm ok with everything, but I think this whole thing has changed my outlook on guys in general. Are all guys this perverted?? The only thing that would be worse than this is child pornography..... I wouldn't even have thought single guys would have done all this stuff, let alone a guy in a relationship......And my bf always came across as a normal guy. He didn't seem like a vicar, but then again I didn't sign up for this!

 

I'm obviously really hurt by all of this, but I know that before I read this crap he made me happy, and I had the best 2 years of my life with him. And I know if I can find a way of dealing with all of this, we'd have such a great future. Is my bf normal...or is he a sick pervert?? I'm too scared to talk 2 my gfs about this, cos I don't want his rep ruined with my friends...

 

x

[Vega]

It's normal. Don't worry about it.

[joshua1983]

Your man definately isn't sick, he's not even a pervert. Guys fantasize about a million things.

 

In fact your guy is a saint compared to guys I know lol. He has been faithful to you & he has let you into his private fantasy world, despite knowing that you could have walked once you found out. If I was him, I wouldn't have told you (or have left my computer on for my gf to go throug all my files).

 

In short, ALL guys fantasize. Whether it's about a hot celebrity, your colleague at work who has the great ass, or the ugly fat woman who delivers your mail every day. I could probably fantasize about missy piggy frm sesame street if I tried hard enough lol And if a guy says that he has only eyes for his gf, that is bollocks. Providing there is no cheating and it is all mental, you should be allowed to express yourself however you want.

 

Anyway good luck