movinon05 Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 BI and RC, Personally, I have been wrestling with this one for a very long time. As this chapter concludes in my life, that's not what I want to remember. I want to concentrate on any good things that might have resulted. I happen to think that most life experiences have some positive benefit, even if it is jut to teach us a life lesson. Anything that adds in some way to our emotional growth has to have some semblence of success in it. I'd like to think so, anyhow. I find it very very hard to look at it that way. There's a song by Trisha Yearwood called "I Would Have Loved You Anyway". Basically its about even if I had known how it was all going to end, I would have loved you anyway. Same thing with Garth Brooks' song "The Dance". I'm glad I didn't know. The way it all would end. The way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could've missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance. I still can't wrap myself around this concept. And my MM gave me that Trisha Yearwood song in the midst of the 7 yrs. I was like - What!!! I don't need this pain. I didn't need this pain. I could have lived without this pain. I finally found that deep heartrendering love and now this is what I have left? Knowing there's a good chance I will never have it again??? No thanks. I know I have grown. I know I have had some benefits. But if I walked this earth again, I would never choose to live this pain again. Sorry, I just can't accept it yet. Maybe years from now when and if I'm at a better place. But no. Not now. Sorry for the downer.
eyeswideshut Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 You know I am delusional because I read all the posts here and I keep thinking i'm not one of you, because I don't feel the pain, or out of control or really taken by this. It's more of a case of.... hmmm how perfect is this, and ooops! it's gone now. but it really wasn't long enough for me to get involved. WHICH IS WHY I NEED TO WALK AWAY NOW!!!! right? movinon, yes, I do need to be NC BEFORE his wife leaves in June. Don't worry. I've got my June all planned out already. On Monday, I received three phone calls from my "men" one who was in town for the weekend, one who wanted to cook me supper, and another who says I'm invited to his place in Aix-enProvence this summer. (just friends from over the years, but from this experience, I see friends from over the years a little less naively, hahha) But I must say, my desire to "hook" him real good came from what happened last time his wife left town. We spent three weeks together and the week she came back, he told the marriage counselor he wanted her out of the house. I felt really bad. I didn't want to "cause" all that. I was glad for him that he got a grip and decided to do the counselling "for real" without me in the picture (although i'm still there a bit) however, when I think back, we did have our good times, over the course of 5 months and when he broke it off in March, there is not much i said or did that really improved anything. So I could have gone NC back then, because nothing I did since March remains a good memory in my mind. it was all just passion and illusion. nothing real or worthy. Once he said: don't let me go just yet, I need to wean. See? It's like, he needs to wean because he is basically trying to forget about me. Argh. When I think of all these freaking guys waiting for me. My ex-fiance, (still has hope) my best friend's friend (waiting for me to get over my ex-fiance) my co-worker's husband's lawyer friend this Italian cook who apparently loves literature like i do (a friend of a friend) my summer men (a 5 year friendship younger man, a 35 year old literature PhD contender old classmate of mine, my drinking buddy who just looks good, but not my type) all these potential "men" some of the parents of my students want to fix me up with because they know I'm single hahaha And I think it's the big mystery for most of these people, on why I'm still single. The only person who knows about this affair is my best friend who is a MM himself. he is totally like: ugh, get out of this bloody affair. there are so many men taking you out all the time, why can't you see straight. But isn't it ironic, f**k! Sometimes i wonder why on earth I had to fall for the only one who was taken! why am I rambling on like this. ok i need OldEurope to come back on an give us weekly pep talks. hahahaha I'm taking a day off on Friday and will read that book Why Men love Bitches. then my bestfriend MM is coming over and he's spilling the beans on how this all happened to him years ago and he ended staying with his wife and they are now married 17 years and stronger than ever. Then he's taking me out to drink with his best friend who has the hots for me. hahah I'll be BACKKKKKK, to you guys, not HIM.
OldEurope Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 I don't need to tell the "NC"ers here what they already know, but just to always keep in mind when you think you are about to totally break, to write that "checking in" text, when your ego FLARES that he is not writing/calling with bated breath (all emotions I have lived and worse!)...Just remember: that when you do, you are going to fall right back on your rump, back to square one, and have to recover your dignity and your discipline all over again. Five, ten minutes of the satisfaction of his "presence", his attention, his voice, are not worth the days, even weeks that will follow of kicking yourself in the a$$ for having lost perspective and fortitude. Also another obvious point: Remember WHY you got to the NC stage in the first place. Seems obvious enough, but we are all too willing to cut slack, go the extra mile, carve out the extra minute, make another excuse...DON'T. If those fundamental reasons for your NC have not changed; if you find that you are living over and over and over the same cycles of discussion(argument) and activity(the limited, predictable here and there) with him, this is the truth glaring out at you--wide-eyed, unblinking, and that truth is going to stare you right down into a withering mess of lost self esteem... One of my major philosophies in life is that there is no enduring love where there is no heightened respect for another person. That goes for how he regards you as well. And to feel that respect, one must have it in oneself first and foremost. Or as a favorite quote of mine from Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" reads: "To say 'I love you', one must first know how to say the 'I'" Your fellow fighter-warrior in Love and Bliss, OE
movinon05 Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 You know I am delusional because I read all the posts here and I keep thinking i'm not one of you, because I don't feel the pain, or out of control or really taken by this. It's more of a case of.... hmmm how perfect is this, and ooops! it's gone now. but it really wasn't long enough for me to get involved. WHICH IS WHY I NEED TO WALK AWAY NOW!!!! right? movinon, yes, I do need to be NC BEFORE his wife leaves in June. Don't worry. I've got my June all planned out already. On Monday, I received three phone calls from my "men" one who was in town for the weekend, one who wanted to cook me supper, and another who says I'm invited to his place in Aix-enProvence this summer. (just friends from over the years, but from this experience, I see friends from over the years a little less naively, hahha) But I must say, my desire to "hook" him real good came from what happened last time his wife left town. We spent three weeks together and the week she came back, he told the marriage counselor he wanted her out of the house. I felt really bad. I didn't want to "cause" all that. I was glad for him that he got a grip and decided to do the counselling "for real" without me in the picture (although i'm still there a bit) however, when I think back, we did have our good times, over the course of 5 months and when he broke it off in March, there is not much i said or did that really improved anything. So I could have gone NC back then, because nothing I did since March remains a good memory in my mind. it was all just passion and illusion. nothing real or worthy. Once he said: don't let me go just yet, I need to wean. See? It's like, he needs to wean because he is basically trying to forget about me. Argh. When I think of all these freaking guys waiting for me. My ex-fiance, (still has hope) my best friend's friend (waiting for me to get over my ex-fiance) my co-worker's husband's lawyer friend this Italian cook who apparently loves literature like i do (a friend of a friend) my summer men (a 5 year friendship younger man, a 35 year old literature PhD contender old classmate of mine, my drinking buddy who just looks good, but not my type) all these potential "men" some of the parents of my students want to fix me up with because they know I'm single hahaha And I think it's the big mystery for most of these people, on why I'm still single. The only person who knows about this affair is my best friend who is a MM himself. he is totally like: ugh, get out of this bloody affair. there are so many men taking you out all the time, why can't you see straight. But isn't it ironic, f**k! Sometimes i wonder why on earth I had to fall for the only one who was taken! why am I rambling on like this. ok i need OldEurope to come back on an give us weekly pep talks. hahahaha I'm taking a day off on Friday and will read that book Why Men love Bitches. then my bestfriend MM is coming over and he's spilling the beans on how this all happened to him years ago and he ended staying with his wife and they are now married 17 years and stronger than ever. Then he's taking me out to drink with his best friend who has the hots for me. hahah I'll be BACKKKKKK, to you guys, not HIM. If this is how you REALLY feel, then this IS the time to go NC. If you are not totally in love with him and going through all these gut wrenching pains that we have gone through, then it definitely IS the time. Once you invest ALL of yourself in him to a point where your feelings are at the point of no return, it will be 1000 times harder. There's no doubt in my mind you need to go NC and stop wondering about the effects. A little attention (or a lot in your case) from other men will make you realize that he's not the only man on earth. But you can't just keep buying little gifts and be playing games with What Ifs. You do it cold turkey (tell him) and move on. He is full of NO GUARANTEES. Your situation is different than mine. Mine promised all those years he would leave so I kept hanging on. Yours is not doing that. I still say you have to let him go and let him sort his life out even if it means he goes the other route. Listen to your friend. If nothing else, he is a prime example of having rebuilt his life with his W. Proving that its very possible to do that. And there's a good chance your MM is going to do the same. Why wait and drag it out? Be done.
RealityCheck Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 Eyeswideshut..... In the beginning I was not out of control or in pain either! It took at least three months before I starting to feel much more than I thought I ever would. The craziness is, when I started to feel it really came HARD and FAST! With every phone call, email, and encounter it was like my feelings increased 10 fold! I still am trying to wrap my brain around that! So I would venture to say, if your not there yet..... "RUN FOR THE HILLS" ...."HEAD FOR THE MOUNTAIN PEAKS" because it will!!
eyeswideshut Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Well look at that! I decided to take a day off for myself. Tomorrow I am reading two books one of which I got the title from these posts: Why men love bitches. Then, my MM best friend is coming over, we are drinking beer and he is telling me all about his dreadful affair while he was married. (he is over the affair and is happy in his marriage) Then we are going out. Soooo fun. My MM wrote today again, but i will think it over for about a week and then I will write the NC email, or not, he knows it's coming, I told him once in bed that my way of dealing with things is just to disappear. I do tend to walk away from situations without explanation. I feel that to explain can be a waste of breath and energy when the person you are explaining to is not worth any of it. He'll figure it out, or if he doesn't, I will nicely let him know. That's it. And I am feeling soooo much better these days. I am so excited about being single. I've never been single a day in my life. (always trying to decide between 2 men, and it's been exhausting) I am sooooo over him. I still love him as a friend, but I will let him know that until he is ready to be friends out in the open with me, and his marriage is on solid ground, that a "friendship" is not worth pursuing if it's to be hidden.
Jessie61 Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 And I am feeling soooo much better these days. I am so excited about being single. I've never been single a day in my life. (always trying to decide between 2 men, and it's been exhausting) . Eyeswideshut, You have never been single??? Perhaps, you should focus on that for a while? It will probably be very scary for you, but you might realise that it is actually great and certainly not a handicap! (I get these sympathetic, pityful looks all the time from people which I find irritating sometimes - no one knows about MM and I have been "officially" single for 5 years! Bridget Jones in her famous diary refers to these people as "smug married people".... ) You probably also need to find out who YOU are? Not just "You and BF"? You might realise that you do not HAVE to be with someone to be happy? If you realise that you can stand on your own two feet, then you will never compromise on your standards for fear of being alone? You might even find out what you want in life etc if you a free from distraction (ie. men!)?
Sami_D Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 ... i will think it over for about a week and then I will write the NC email, or not, he knows it's coming, I told him once in bed that my way of dealing with things is just to disappear. I do tend to walk away from situations without explanation. I wouldn't rely on a man remembering something you once said in bed and attaching any kind of importance to it I think that if you're going to walk away from this, you need to tell him what you're doing. Otherwise, you will be getting 'hello there' emails for who knows how long. And that will only set you back. jmho.
eyeswideshut Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Hey Jessie, i've never been single, except for in my mind. I've always lived alone, done things as I wished and went on trips alone. Funny. My last relationship which lasted 8 years, I felt I was acting single or living the single life most of the time, because he was a workaholic, and sometimes when he'd take a vacation, that's when I felt trapped, because it infringed on my "life" hahaha. No, that is why i couldn't marry him. i hate feeling trapped. And I think the reason it lasted so long was because he was a workaholic and I was too, so there weren't very many expectations in terms of time. (sad, huh) I love Bridget Jones, I secretly wished to be her, when I was engaged. and then one day I said: to hell with it, I'm not doing this. Women do very well on their own, much more than men, i believe. i've got lots of single friends who are not even looking, and I think maybe this is why the MM had such an appeal, because I always had the upper hand on when I'm free. hahah Yes, I have to send the NC email, but i'm still undecided about that one. I sort of like being single, it's a way of life. I always had relationships in which we weren't glued together. what if I am over him and really want to be friends? i'll see. right now, I am not missing him more than i would any other close friend. Well, back to my day off! It's soo sunny here in Montreal. i'm in my undies and am reading ALL DAY.
Karis Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 For a success reported recently there was the poster called Karis. My MM did leave his wife. I didn't like the sneaking around and hiding - it made me feel bad about myself. I told him there was no way I can be the other woman and if a man loves a woman, he moves mountains for her. Told him if he loved me, then he would be with me....simple. Well, I got the response "Moving mountains takes time". So, I said good-bye. I didn't give him an ultimatum or a "leave her by such and such date. Why? I told him I was gone and if he wanted me he would do something about it. He tried calling and I ignored the calls. He called once to say that he had been doing some things. I asked him if he left her yet, he said no. BYE! Anyways, it was less than 2 weeks and he left her and came to me. We are together now, she is suing the crap out of him. He has lost everything he ever owned and worked for. Barely has gas to come and see me. Most of his family won't speak to him and he will probably lose his kids as he can't afford the lawyer due to still being in their house and paying all the bills. I feel for him but he doesn't regret a thing. We plan to marry and both know it's for good. Weird thing is I knew it when I met him, he was the one. I'm 39 and never married. Things are tough for us, got lots of things against us, but we're ok. Things between us are good. If we can do this well with all this against us, it will be flying colours when we can just live a normal, peaceful life.
Sami_D Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 My MM did leave his wife. I didn't like the sneaking around and hiding - it made me feel bad about myself. I told him there was no way I can be the other woman and if a man loves a woman, he moves mountains for her. Told him if he loved me, then he would be with me....simple. Well, I got the response "Moving mountains takes time". So, I said good-bye. I didn't give him an ultimatum or a "leave her by such and such date. Why? I told him I was gone and if he wanted me he would do something about it. He tried calling and I ignored the calls. He called once to say that he had been doing some things. I asked him if he left her yet, he said no. BYE! Anyways, it was less than 2 weeks and he left her and came to me. We are together now, she is suing the crap out of him. He has lost everything he ever owned and worked for. Barely has gas to come and see me. Most of his family won't speak to him and he will probably lose his kids as he can't afford the lawyer due to still being in their house and paying all the bills. I feel for him but he doesn't regret a thing. We plan to marry and both know it's for good. Weird thing is I knew it when I met him, he was the one. I'm 39 and never married. Things are tough for us, got lots of things against us, but we're ok. Things between us are good. If we can do this well with all this against us, it will be flying colours when we can just live a normal, peaceful life. FANTASTIC for you, Karis... Hope you're both SO SO happy :D
Pebbles0018 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 I just recently got involved with a mm. The D is stil pending. They have a child together an dI think the W abuses that. That is I think she makes the li'l boy call his daddy to come over all the time. I think if you believe in your heart that he is your other half, hang in there for the long run. (as long as it's not too long) =)
Recommended Posts