BeautifulLife Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 I was just wondering if there was anyone here whose MM had actually left his wife. If so, are you still together? Was it worth it? How long did it take? Any experiences would be helpful. My apologies if this has been covered before. On another note, I did give my MM an ultimatum....tell me whether he is staying or leaving by the first weekend in June. (You can see my story under the "Looking for insight" post.) If he still doesn't have an answer for me by then, I'm done. This A has only been going on for 2 months, but it is 2 months too long for me. As of now he says he really doesn't know what he is going to do, or even which way he is leaning more strongly towards. I told him I'm preparing to have my heart broken....he says that's not going to happen, but won't tell me that he is positively leaving either. So we'll see. I doubt that he leaves though. So please send positive thoughts my way that I will have the strength to go NC after this. I know it will be hard as my birthday falls shortly thereafter, and I do not want to spend it alone.
scarletletter Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Not yet...still hoping that someday things will go my way. Trying to be patient in the meantime. There have been some success stories on here that I have read. The thing is, most of those people don't come here anymore because they are not needing any more support. I know of two off hand that have success stories. Hope they are doing okay now. There is no way I'm ready to give the ultimatum yet. He is not ready for that either. I am waiting until the timing is right and then I will let him make the decision, not me. I don't want to be the one that forced him into doing something that he was not ready to do for his children's sake. I don't think I would be comfortable with making him make a choice at this point. If you are going to do it, stick with it and don't back down...which will show that you are weak. Be strong and do what you know in your heart is the right decision.
Art_Critic Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 I was just wondering if there was anyone here whose MM had actually left his wife. ..... they are out there but they are the extreme exception and not the rule.. even though the MM would rather you believe the opposite
beachrosie Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Can a success story be that the other woman or victim actually decides to get out and be free of the insanity? I think that is a great story, not the other. I'm over all of this, and for whatever reason...a bright lightbulb has appeared. Thank you God.
erika2610 Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Can a success story be that the other woman or victim actually decides to get out and be free of the insanity? I think that is a great story, not the other. I'm over all of this, and for whatever reason...a bright lightbulb has appeared. Thank you God. That's a good way to put it I myself am a success story. I got out and stayed out. It just wasn't worth it. The constant pain and heartache was horrible. I know I deserve better.. and I'll one day get it I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than date another MM.
OzGirl Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 I'd be curious to know if anyone can validate this, but I've been told that the MM who leave the W already "left" her, and had one foot well and clearly out the door. W knew it, he knew it, and meeting another woman merely made his shift gears. If you MM is not actively ending his marriage before he met you, there's almost a guaranteed outcome he won't end it for you. I may be wrong, but that's my understanding.
erika2610 Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 I'd be curious to know if anyone can validate this, but I've been told that the MM who leave the W already "left" her, and had one foot well and clearly out the door. W knew it, he knew it, and meeting another woman merely made his shift gears. If you MM is not actively ending his marriage before he met you, there's almost a guaranteed outcome he won't end it for you. I may be wrong, but that's my understanding. I've heard that.
Jessie61 Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 I was just wondering if there was anyone here whose MM had actually left his wife. If so, are you still together? Was it worth it? How long did it take? Any experiences would be helpful. My apologies if this has been covered before. On another note, I did give my MM an ultimatum....tell me whether he is staying or leaving by the first weekend in June. (You can see my story under the "Looking for insight" post.) If he still doesn't have an answer for me by then, I'm done. This A has only been going on for 2 months, but it is 2 months too long for me. As of now he says he really doesn't know what he is going to do, or even which way he is leaning more strongly towards. I told him I'm preparing to have my heart broken....he says that's not going to happen, but won't tell me that he is positively leaving either. So we'll see. I doubt that he leaves though. So please send positive thoughts my way that I will have the strength to go NC after this. I know it will be hard as my birthday falls shortly thereafter, and I do not want to spend it alone. Beautiful Life, I think that Scarletletter is right, the success stories are probably off enjoying their lives and they don't need to post here anymore!!! OK, seriously, I have read a handful of "success stories" here, and I know from my circle of friends of one where the MM was seriously unhappy for years, then he met this OW which was the catalyst to leaving the M; in other words the M was dead before OW entered the scene and the M was just waiting to be buried officially. 10 years later he and the OW are still together and very happy with a young child together. Now, I am not so stupid to think that most MM's are geniuine and that most of them leave. Quite the opposite; I think that most of them probably have no intention whatsoever of doing anything except staying the eternal cake eater, BUT they are not all the same. After 2 years, MM and I have agreed a deadline. He has to leave his W before a certain date. If he doesn't, then I am gone forever even if he does end up leaving his wife in the end. He is currently making arrangements; he has organised accomodation, told his parents and a few friends and he has now told the wife that he is leaving. Yes, he could still get cold feet in the last second, but if he does, then I will bid him farewell. Why? I cannot accept this situation to go on indefinitively. He can decide for himself what he wants to do (and I do understand his agony about the kids) but at the end of the day I have to look after myself once I have given him more than enough time and space to decide for himself what to do, and he will have to accept the consequences of his choices. Am I petrified about how things will end? Yes, of course I am, but I am equally determined to walk away if he lets me down. I think a TRUE success story is where the A ends; either by it turning it into a relationship out in the open OR where the OW/OM walks away and never looks back... There is nothing more degrading than an A, and that includes the W, OW/OM, H and the kids (if any).
Sami_D Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 ... I did give my MM an ultimatum....tell me whether he is staying or leaving by the first weekend in June... If he still doesn't have an answer for me by then, I'm done. This A has only been going on for 2 months, but it is 2 months too long for me. As of now he says he really doesn't know what he is going to do, or even which way he is leaning more strongly towards. I've just (5-6 days ago) gone NC with my MM. We had been together 2 years (first year was online only). It has been painful. Extremely. We had got to the point where he was saying he was going to tell her, and then not telling her, day-in day-out. I couldn't stand it any longer, and he said that my being supportive was making it easy for him not to do it. So we went NC last Thursday. He can call me if he tells her he's leaving. Otherwise, he's out of my life and the A is over either way. My MM said, the last time we spoke, that he was nearer to leaving 2 years ago, before we got involved than he has felt recently. He said that is because I make him feel good, I'm patient, understanding about his children... and (between the lines) I have made it easy for him to be in his M. And this is a man who loves me as much as one person can love another. I think yours was the thread I wrote in that you should stop all intimacy and private conversation with your MM immediately. Tell him you'll date him when he's separated. THEN see what he will do. I'm telling you this because of my experience. If you continue an A with him, and "wait and see" what he'll do... he will DO NOTHING. JMHO.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 I was just wondering if there was anyone here whose MM had actually left his wife. If so, are you still together? Was it worth it? How long did it take? Any experiences would be helpful. My apologies if this has been covered before. The only poster here at LS that I can think of who's seems successful in a post-affair marriage is Old Europe. You might try using the search tool to find her posts. The odds on these relationships are against you, only about 3% from what I've read....but she seems to have worked it out okay.
erika2610 Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 The only poster here at LS that I can think of who's seems successful in a post-affair marriage is Old Europe. You might try using the search tool to find her posts. The odds on these relationships are against you, only about 3% from what I've read....but she seems to have worked it out okay. She was different than most I've read though. From what I remember, he had one foot out the door already. I believe they both went through quite abit of counseling too..
grateful Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 She was different than most I've read though. From what I remember, he had one foot out the door already. I believe they both went through quite abit of counseling too.. For a success reported recently there was the poster called Karis. But in her initial posts everyone commented that it sounded like MM had one foot out the door.
erika2610 Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 For a success reported recently there was the poster called Karis. But in her initial posts everyone commented that it sounded like MM had one foot out the door. That's right.. I forgot about her. I didn't really follow her story too much though.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 She was different than most I've read though. From what I remember, he had one foot out the door already. I believe they both went through quite abit of counseling too.. I think what made Old Europe memorable and "different" for me was her attitude. There seemed a strength of personality in the way she handled her situation. The attitude was, 'This is MY life, and I'm not going to stand idly by while other people f*ck it up.' She took control of it and stayed in the driver's seat, IMO. And I think it might truly bear out that if a MM doesn't have "one foot out the door", he's not leaving. If memory serves, her take on it was that if he can't get it done in six months or less...he's not likely to get it done at all.
erika2610 Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 I think what made Old Europe memorable and "different" for me was her attitude. There seemed a strength of personality in the way she handled her situation. The attitude was, 'This is MY life, and I'm not going to stand idly by while other people f*ck it up.' She took control of it and stayed in the driver's seat, IMO. And I think it might truly bear out that if a MM doesn't have "one foot out the door", he's not leaving. If memory serves, her take on it was that if he can't get it done in six months or less...he's not likely to get it done at all. It's so true though. Think about it. If you're dating a MM for years.. why would he leave? He's got the best of both worlds. He's got you to run too when things at home get tough. When he wants to 'escape'.
movinon05 Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 My MM said, the last time we spoke, that he was nearer to leaving 2 years ago, before we got involved than he has felt recently. He said that is because I make him feel good, I'm patient, understanding about his children... and (between the lines) I have made it easy for him to be in his M. And this is a man who loves me as much as one person can love another. I think yours was the thread I wrote in that you should stop all intimacy and private conversation with your MM immediately. Tell him you'll date him when he's separated. THEN see what he will do. I'm telling you this because of my experience. If you continue an A with him, and "wait and see" what he'll do... he will DO NOTHING. JMHO. Sami, I think this is very common that they are closer to leaving in the beginning. It was the same with me. When the A starts, you wear rose colored glasses. We discussed all the ways we would do it, how we would handle the spouses and the children. He even said, and I'll never forget it, that his W would never involve the children. Well he was dead wrong, wasn't he? She was ruthless when it came to the children and dragged them through everything, including mine, which is why I had to take a stand on that issue. You want to involve your children like that fine, but don't you dare involve mine. She wasn't thinking about the children when she pulled all her stunts or their ages or what THEY were going through. She was just using them as a tool to bring US down. She promised me my kids would hate me. She had no problem pulling crap in public around all the children, embarrassing them in front of their friends, etc. Personally, I was never afraid my kids would hate me because once you mess with a mother's kids, be prepared for the claws to come out, which they did. But I digress. Anyway, he had his RC glasses on. Many of us thought it would be easier in the beginning. But then, with time, our minds start working. "Boy, I will miss kissing the kids on the forehead in the morning before I go to work", and so on and so on. (My MM did that as well). As time goes by, you start to realize its not as easy as you thought. And yes, when the OW is there patiently waiting, it makes it all that much easier. So you ARE doing the right thing. ((((((Sami))))))
lovernotafighter Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Sami, I think this is very common that they are closer to leaving in the beginning. It was the same with me. When the A starts, you wear rose colored glasses. We discussed all the ways we would do it, how we would handle the spouses and the children. He even said, and I'll never forget it, that his W would never involve the children. Well he was dead wrong, wasn't he? She was ruthless when it came to the children and dragged them through everything, including mine, which is why I had to take a stand on that issue. You want to involve your children like that fine, but don't you dare involve mine. She wasn't thinking about the children when she pulled all her stunts or their ages or what THEY were going through. She was just using them as a tool to bring US down. She promised me my kids would hate me. She had no problem pulling crap in public around all the children, embarrassing them in front of their friends, etc. Personally, I was never afraid my kids would hate me because once you mess with a mother's kids, be prepared for the claws to come out, which they did. But I digress. Anyway, he had his RC glasses on. Many of us thought it would be easier in the beginning. But then, with time, our minds start working. "Boy, I will miss kissing the kids on the forehead in the morning before I go to work", and so on and so on. (My MM did that as well). As time goes by, you start to realize its not as easy as you thought. And yes, when the OW is there patiently waiting, it makes it all that much easier. So you ARE doing the right thing. ((((((Sami)))))) this is where my MM has taking his glasses off...and I'm the one like 'huh??" see he has told me his W would use there son as a weapon to hurt him as much as possible...he believes (even if she never ever finds out about the A) that if he's the one to walk out she will do everything she can to turn his son against him. he says he knows her and how she is...but my thoughts are if she really is this kind of vindictive person how the hell is he still married to her anyway. his W has attacked him in front of friends and family with out a divorce what kinda of stunts will she pull when they get a divorce? I don't believe he will be joining me..but it is in future he won't stay married to this woman. I think you can only kick a dog for so long before it runs away..or worse bites you. what she does to him then will be any ones guess.
OldEurope Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Hello Ladies... Just concerning my own case, it took about a year actually, not six months for him to proceed with a divorce... I was in full fledged NC...and off on a Scottish shore sailing.... As for a "foot out the door"....Well, mentally yes. But he had resigned himself to staying in the marriage before we met...It had been over 20 years of marriage, and his Catholicism ( I am Episcopalian) was a very large factor for him, as well the matter of his (then) 16 year old son. He went to a therapist for about nine months. I did not, but did constant self reflection on everything... In a strange way, had he left too soon, I would not have liked that at all--too soon is as well a bad sign. I will say I am inordinately happy with him, though after tying the knot I was "low-key"...no arrogance, no "demands", respectful of his family, his friends, lots of humor, love. I have tried to maintain this dynamic. Not walking on eggshells, mind you, but keeping in mind that such a change (for the man) is psychologically, emotionally disorienting. One has to proceed a bit with care, white gloves... I will just say this as it is so hard to generalize in these matters: I just do not see the possibility of success for an OW where there is no Ultimatum, where she has not once and for all walked away (and I mean, no phone calls, no texts, no "bumping into", no nothing away). You just close the door gently---no anger, no reprisals (after all, you went into this knowing the risks)--and you keep it shut. Please then do go out and live! Your Auntie Mame, OW
movinon05 Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 I will just say this as it is so hard to generalize in these matters: I just do not see the possibility of success for an OW where there is no Ultimatum, no walking away (and I mean, no phone calls, no texts, no nothing "away"). You just close the door gently---no anger, no reprisals (after all, you went into this knowing the risks)--and you keep it shut. Please then do go out and live! I agree! 100,000,000%. You know the old saying. Give em an inch and they take a mile.
Sami_D Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Hello Ladies... Just concerning my own case, it took about a year actually, not six months for him to proceed with a divorce... I was in full fledged NC...and off on a Scottish shore sailing.... As for a "foot out the door"....Well, mentally yes. But he had resigned himself to staying in the marriage before we met...It had been over 20 years of marriage, and his Catholicism ( I am Episcopalian) was a very large factor for him, as well the matter of his (then) 16 year old son. He went to a therapist for about nine months. I did not, but did constant self reflection on everything... In a strange way, had he left too soon, I would not have liked that at all--too soon is as well a bad sign. I will say I am inordinately happy with him, though after tying the knot I was "low-key"...no arrogance, no "demands", respectful of his family, his friends, lots of humor, love. I have tried to maintain this dynamic. Not walking on eggshells, mind you, but keeping in mind that such a change (for the man) is psychologically, emotionally disorienting. One has to proceed a bit with care, white gloves... I will just say this as it is so hard to generalize in these matters: I just do not see the possibility of success for an OW where there is no Ultimatum, where she has not once and for all walked away (and I mean, no phone calls, no texts, no "bumping into", no nothing away). You just close the door gently---no anger, no reprisals (after all, you went into this knowing the risks)--and you keep it shut. Please then do go out and live! Your Auntie Mame, OW OE, thanks for passing by again. Well I've finally taken your advice and done the walking away bit. There was no anger, just a lot (more) tears and 'I love you's'. Now I've just got to stay away, and just maybe he'll follow through on leaving. I only managed 2 weeks of NC last time (neither of us were ready, as you might remember... it was only 5 months after we'd met irl and he was nowhere near OK about leaving the kids, or about what his friends and family would say ~ and I know what you mean about thinking that 'too soon' would put you off... I felt the same way... a man OK about leaving his wife and children without a LOT of thought... isn't a man I would like to be with). So, bearing in mind that I've tried NC before, I am sure that in his hidden, secret self he's hoping I'll cave again this time and text him. Coincidentally read this line in George Eliot's Middlemarch yesterday: "We all know the difficulty of carrying out a resolve when we secretly long that it may turn out to be unnecessary." How appropriate, I thought. But NO WAY am I caving.. Not this time. Even if it goes on for months... though I dread to think about it. Even if it's forever... I can't go back. Not to all that. I'm only about a week into NC, so I'm still feeling a bit raw. Not sure I'll be sailing any time soon, but I'll get there.
zarathustra Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 OE, thanks for passing by again. Well I've finally taken your advice and done the walking away bit. There was no anger, just a lot (more) tears and 'I love you's'. Now I've just got to stay away, and just maybe he'll follow through on leaving. I only managed 2 weeks of NC last time (neither of us were ready, as you might remember... it was only 5 months after we'd met irl and he was nowhere near OK about leaving the kids, or about what his friends and family would say ~ and I know what you mean about thinking that 'too soon' would put you off... I felt the same way... a man OK about leaving his wife and children without a LOT of thought... isn't a man I would like to be with). So, bearing in mind that I've tried NC before, I am sure that in his hidden, secret self he's hoping I'll cave again this time and text him. Coincidentally read this line in George Eliot's Middlemarch yesterday: "We all know the difficulty of carrying out a resolve when we secretly long that it may turn out to be unnecessary." How appropriate, I thought. But NO WAY am I caving.. Not this time. Even if it goes on for months... though I dread to think about it. Even if it's forever... I can't go back. Not to all that. I'm only about a week into NC, so I'm still feeling a bit raw. Not sure I'll be sailing any time soon, but I'll get there. You are truly amazing Sami... keep on moving, things will get better, you can be sure of that. It may not feel that way at times, but you'll get there. 2 1/2 weeks NC for me... can't say 'never felt better' but I feel good. I am resolved to not secretly long for my resolve to be unneccessary... If I do, then I'll never heal.
Sami_D Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 You are truly amazing Sami... keep on moving, things will get better, you can be sure of that. It may not feel that way at times, but you'll get there. 2 1/2 weeks NC for me... can't say 'never felt better' but I feel good. I am resolved to not secretly long for my resolve to be unneccessary... If I do, then I'll never heal. I feel OK today, this hour. Taking it hour by hour at the moment. I don't think there's any doubt about the aim of this NC for me. It's just so I don't have to be in an affair any longer. I had had enough, no going back. I am completely resolved never to talk to him again unless he leaves. But what you say about hoping your resolve won't be necessary.. I meant him. But I can see how it can apply to me. ONly.... I don't think there's any secret that we parted on the basis that he was trying to leave but wasn't quite getting there. So... until I'm over the stage of wondering... you're right, I won't begin healing in one respect. Certainly feels good to be out of the affair tho. However it ultimately ends up, I NEVER ever need to think of him going home to her... ever again
zarathustra Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 I feel OK today, this hour. Taking it hour by hour at the moment. I don't think there's any doubt about the aim of this NC for me. It's just so I don't have to be in an affair any longer. I had had enough, no going back. I am completely resolved never to talk to him again unless he leaves. But what you say about hoping your resolve won't be necessary.. I meant him. But I can see how it can apply to me. ONly.... I don't think there's any secret that we parted on the basis that he was trying to leave but wasn't quite getting there. So... until I'm over the stage of wondering... you're right, I won't begin healing in one respect. Certainly feels good to be out of the affair tho. However it ultimately ends up. Sorry about the TJ, kids... Sami, I'm so happy to hear you are doing well. I think that as the days go by and the knowledge that if he isn't strong enough to leave now = he likely never be strong enough to leave and you start losing hope, that's when you will really feel like yourself again. You are doing the best thing for yourself... I know you know it. Its all over your post. I hope you don't mind me saying, but, I'm proud of you. I'm proud of your progress and your resolve. I hope that you can be proud too of that.
RealityCheck Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 BeachRosie!! I do believe your story is full of success, as is mine! Ce La Vie!! I ended it because it was hell living the emotions! I will admit, I have my days where my thoughts are not free of my ex MM, however today, I am not carrying the dead weight of emotions.
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