Guest(barbara) Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 Hey Everyone, I just bumped into this page a couple of days ago, when my misery started and I really find it great that all of You guys are so helpful when someone is in the need...well,now I am. Now,I know it is very long and seems complicated but You need to know every detail to be able to understand the current situation and most importantly: please-please I really need Your help,I am desperate...!!! We met with my bf just about a year ago as we started to work together, and within a month and a half first it just became friendship and then we both started to have stronger feelings for each other...we were very into each other, and we only needed the occasion to get closer,which happened soon.I was over the moonl,very happy,but the next day he just dumped me in a text without any explanation!Of course iI felt very bad,and in the end,after just two days it turned out that he only was very scared because I was/am his very first partner and he thought that I will expect ridiculous nonsense from him like I won't let him have a private life and won't let him do his hobby...when we talked I just laughed so he saw it was nothing and we ended up together again,being over these useless tiny things.This was in June... Now,You might need to know, we are both jung, he is now 20 (and half) and I am 21.,and also,that we are both very-very difficult cases. Unfortunately I had quite a bad childhood and still bear the consequences(shortly: alcoholic,abusive father;my Mum being unable to get out of her very-very destructive relationships and also financial instability...).When I got together with my bf,I was in a very bad state,constatntly worrying about all these things and I totally understand that it was /is very bad for him to see that... So,time went on,we fell in love sooo much that I started to think it was very serious...as I was his firts partner,we went though beautiful things together,somethimes not easily,but things were just great,we helped each other a lot,growing up next to each other,I always encouraged to go on with his hobby and keep meeting his friends... After a couple of months(around in October) though he started to feel very frustrated about the fact that he saw me suffering and not being able to help me,so that made things bad...once we had an argument (on MSN) about me not being able to get rid of all my things and it seems that it's no use in trying,because I don't want to...so we broke up...but in a couple of days we were together again because we both loved the other so much... Unfortunately,things didn't go well for long,because some very bad things happened in my family life again around December,so everything was out of control,I suffered a lot,and that dragged down our relationship...he was trying to help me,but he never knew how t,which is normal of course,after all he is very young and I didn't expect him solve my problems anyway...but he coudn't take it any more,and as it turned out later he thought he liked my collague(who is also kind of my friend) just because he saw that she was always smiley and didn't have any problems...I had a hell of a time...I didn't understand,we talked a lot, and that girl helped me a lot...thank to her, he finally realised that actually he wasn'e even attracted to her,it was only the image she embodied,because he was just so scared of be being so miserable... It was very hard, but I made the hardest decision of my life and decided not to let such problems I have nothing to do with ruin the love we feel for each other,I started to see things differently,and asked him to believe in me and in the strenght of my love for him.... So...he said he'll try and things seemed to go well, I really did change about how I feel about the problems I cannot solve,although I know that I still need to move on,because I have a very low self-confidence which is also always an issue... I thought things were going okay,when once out of nothing he said again that I hadn't changed at all and broke my heart by leaving me and saying that we should just be friends beause he is so confused that he doesn't know what to do and he can only see me know as a miserable thing as I was during my problems... I really did change,but he broke my heart so bad that I was just crying for 4 days...afer that I just stopped and started to think that what I need is to be able to show him and convince him about all these changes...I grew so much stronger those days,I told him that I am very sorry that he cannot see how I am,he is the one who loses with it and I am not going to be influenced and think that he is right because I am different now...so we met every day, in fact most of the times he initiated and we hung out a lot,flirting a lot.I didn't force anything,I just told him,tha if he feels that he might have done a mistake,there's always a chance to correct it,thus I left a chance to start over... It was obvious that we cannot be friends,we wer so attracted to each other,and as the days went on he realised that he actually made a mistake by leaving me,so one day he said that now he as sure about his feelings and I might will hate him but he loves me and he'll prove it to me... So we started over once again,I was over the moon... This was in March,everything seemed fine since then,in fact I started to talk to him that I actually need his help to build some self-confidence and tackle my hate for myself,which is a big thing to admit... Just about a week and a half ago,though, I just said something that made him remember how things were before and I was and we had an argument which took us once again to the edge,but this time we sat down and I told him that I need his trust and help and that I am getting through all these things,it's just not so easy...we ahd a very good talk,we sorted out everything and he said that he is totally supporting me and together we'll sort out everything,he loves me so much,he said. One of my friends/collagues told him something that helped him as well,which made him to tell me that it is true that he doesn't know how much I actually love him and it is scarey for him...he said this a couple of times these days... Last week started great,I had a couple of day offs ,just the two of us,I felt really great,improving about the feelings for myself...I was trying to spoil him with everything,dressing up pretty,cooking for him...he said he enjoys it so much,he loves me... As it got closer to the end of the week,though,he started to behave funnily,as if only I wanted to have all these things and he seemed so not interested in me...so I told him that because I feel like this,I am not going to humiliate myself with trying to force myself on him,I'll wait for him to initiate...I asked him if he doesn't love me any more because if it is so,then I would accept it and would leave him,but he told me it is not that but something else and I wouldn't understand it anyway... I asked why I wouldn't and he said because he doesn't,either.He said it just comes and goes...I tried to explain that it's normal not alway feel to be in love the same amount,it's normal to have doubts sometimes,if that's his problem... Then he said maybe we should have a break,but I tolh him I don't believe in that...he said I know him,he had enough of the problems and doesn't want any more of them...I reallt thought that was unfair and I told him so,asking if I only was a problem for him... He said that in the future I might be,that hurt so much that at that point I said that maybe we shouldn't talk to each other any more then... And I also told him I will bring his staff in to work as we won't be communicating anyway... Again,I am heartbroken...this happened Saturday night (at work,by the way,in a busy bar,can You imagine?...) On Sunday I was trying to get my thought together,trying to fugure it out what's wrong,I was reding a lot here about NC,I decided to do that and I read a great book...unfortunately I coudn't resist,I just slipped this very good book which says very wise things about love into his locker at work,without seeing or talking to him,just with a sign saying that he might like it... Yesterday night he sent me a text,thanking me for the book...I Just replied shortly to him. And today he called me but I didn't hear it,so I asked him in a text if he was okay,and he said he really needs his phone charger so he would just come up to get that and his other stuff...I wasn't home ,but he came later on tonight... I managed to stay strong,not to break down or show any weakness,also I was just polite and friendly,but didn't try to talk about what happened or our relationship... When he left I broke down horribly again because I don't know why he behaved the way he did...I mean he was talking to me and he chose to come up to me instead of just taking his stuff but he hardly ever looked at me,seemed to ignore me,just talking like two people on the street,which hurt me badly.... Here I am now,not to know what to think or do...I know I shouldn't contact him,I should wait for him... Do You think maybe he needs time to sort things out in his head...?I know it was a hard time for him,I never blame him for not liking those things,but if he loves me and I love him(which I do,terribly),do You think he'll realise that there's no relationship without any problems and there's no need to run away,we can solve everything...? Do You think he is confused because he is so young ang these things were a lot to take?He is very mature,though,everyone says he thinks like a 24-year-old...Also,everyone says it shows that he is crazy about me,just as I am about him. Please help me what to do...! Do You think waiting will help? I am just so afraid (and that is again because of my lack of confidence)that he doesn't miss me at all and feels relieved not to be with me...if it is so,it would be easier to know than being in this doubt that is consuming me... Please give me some advice,I would be so grateful... I'll also let You know if anything happens... THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH IN ADVANCE,You know it is not easy to share all these thoughts... barbara
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