sweeter25 Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 My fiance confessed to me yesterday that he has been talking to a girl online and on the telephone for the past three weeks. He met her through his online game and "they just hit it off." He says that she was the one to start flirting with him and that he never expected it would get to the point that it did. Now, to be fair, my part of this is that for the past 2-3 months, I have not been myself. I was on medication that made me depressed, withdrawn, and tired all the time. I only recently got back to being me, and our relationship is only now...well, it was...getting back to normal. So now the dilemma. Am I an idiot to stay with him? I am so confused about how to feel about this whole situation. We both really love each other, but I don't want to enter into marriage if this is going to happen again.
JadeStar Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 I hope he doesn't blame you for him chatting this other girl up just becasue you were on meds. Sounds like a good excuse for him to use. Which is actaully a really poor one. No one can tell you for sure what you need to do. Weigh your options and go with whatever your gut tells you. Jade
Mistaken Identity Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 It sounds like he wasn't there for you when you needed him. Isn't that what relationships are supposed to be about--being there for your partner?
Jessie61 Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 My fiance confessed to me yesterday that he has been talking to a girl online and on the telephone for the past three weeks. He met her through his online game and "they just hit it off." He says that she was the one to start flirting with him and that he never expected it would get to the point that it did. Now, to be fair, my part of this is that for the past 2-3 months, I have not been myself. I was on medication that made me depressed, withdrawn, and tired all the time. I only recently got back to being me, and our relationship is only now...well, it was...getting back to normal. So now the dilemma. Am I an idiot to stay with him? I am so confused about how to feel about this whole situation. We both really love each other, but I don't want to enter into marriage if this is going to happen again. Sweeter, Let me get this straight; your fiancé has been online and chatting on the phone with this other girl for 3 weeks but he has not actually met her? (No unexplainable trips away or other absences recently etc? Check the phone bill to find unknown numbers frequently used to confirm it is only three weeks etc...) He TOLD YOU - you didn't catch him? He's never done this before? It sounds to me that he just wants to be honest with you. Yes, your relationship was probably going through a rough patch if you were not well (nobody's fault!) and perhaps he feels that things are improving and that you are getting closer again, so he wants no secrets between you? Talk to him, you are entitled to feel a bit insecure but he will support you if he is genuine about his remorse by telling you about it and reassuring you etc. Talk about how this happened and what can be done to stop it from reoccuring etc. If it is really only 3 weeks online (no kissing, no holding hands, no sex etc), why would you dump him? Come on.... It is not the end of the world, is it?
Owl Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Jessie- Don't be so quick to discount this. Take a look at my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/ The reality in my situation is that they had gamed together for about 3 months...and things had only gotten 'serious' in the last month or so. Look how far things went in my wife's case. Don't discount this since it was 'only' online and on the phone, and for a short time. In truth, the online aspect makes it more dangerous emotionally. The 'fantasy' is much stronger...and they're able to limit what they show each other to what they WANT the other person to see. My wife and her online OM had only been in the 'I love you' stage for less than a month...and she was set to leave me and our kids for someone she'd never met face to face. The poster has every reason to feel this is a HUGE HUGE issue, and a big red-flag about the possible risks to a potential marriage. I suggest that you sit down and talk HARD with your BF. Make it clear to him that you'll no longer 'accept' him being online, and not being accountable to you. Your trust in him is damaged...he's got to rebuild that trust by SHOWING you over a period of time that he's trustworthy. You both need to come up with ways that he can do this...and ways that he can be held accountable to you for his online behavior (dont' know what game this is, but there are likely 'log files' that you can set up to track what he does there...and keyloggers you can install if you can't). Don't feel bad that there hasn't been any physical contact...this is still an emotional affair, and every bit as devestating to the betrayed partner. Keep posting here friend.
fisher-man Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Both Jessie and Owl have important points here. First, it wasn't physical and apparently he stopped and told you himself. Those are two very important items. But what Owl said is also very very true. Online relationships are exceedingly dangerous due to the nature of them. They are totally imaginary, and the online partner can become anything. There is no reality in the situation so the imagination takes over. I hope you give him another chance.
Jessie61 Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Jessie- Don't be so quick to discount this. The reality in my situation is that they had gamed together for about 3 months...and things had only gotten 'serious' in the last month or so. Look how far things went in my wife's case. Don't discount this since it was 'only' online and on the phone, and for a short time. In truth, the online aspect makes it more dangerous emotionally. The 'fantasy' is much stronger...and they're able to limit what they show each other to what they WANT the other person to see. My wife and her online OM had only been in the 'I love you' stage for less than a month...and she was set to leave me and our kids for someone she'd never met face to face. The poster has every reason to feel this is a HUGE HUGE issue, and a big red-flag about the possible risks to a potential marriage. I suggest that you sit down and talk HARD with your BF. Make it clear to him that you'll no longer 'accept' him being online, and not being accountable to you. Your trust in him is damaged...he's got to rebuild that trust by SHOWING you over a period of time that he's trustworthy. You both need to come up with ways that he can do this...and ways that he can be held accountable to you for his online behavior (dont' know what game this is, but there are likely 'log files' that you can set up to track what he does there...and keyloggers you can install if you can't). Don't feel bad that there hasn't been any physical contact...this is still an emotional affair, and every bit as devestating to the betrayed partner. Keep posting here friend. Yes, I agree to a very large extent with you, Owl. I just didn't want to jump on the traditional bandwagon and advice her to dump him on the spot. There are some redeeming features about the guy, so why not give him a chance before he's thrown to the lions? I am not discounting anything here, but I don't feel that there is a need to blow everything out of proportion either. You will also note that I did suggest that Sweeter talks to him; if he is geniune about his remorse etc he will show in action that he is to be trusted and that it will not happen again. You have elaborated more on what is needed, and I agree with what you say. I thought that just dumping him, especially on the facts presented to me, seemed a bit harsh in the circumstances.... Please correct me if I am wrong, but you did give your W a second chance and things have worked out for you....? I thought that things m-i-g-h-t just work out for Sweeter and her fiancé too.... Anyway, I'm talking about you as if you weren't there, Sweeter!! I am sorry. How are you?
Owl Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 Jessie- I think you and I are actually in complete agreement. I'm not a 'dump him now' fan ever unless the circumstances clearly indicate that there's no hope...and there's nothing in Sweeter's post that indicates that. I DO caution her to be very careful about the trust issues with him for a LONG time tho...this early in the relationship, this is a frightening thing to find, because you don't know if this is a one time thing, or a behavior pattern. But I totally agree with the sit down discussion with him...CLEAR, HARD boundaries need to be drawn, and clear expectations of what will happen if those boundaries are violated.
Jessie61 Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 Jessie- I think you and I are actually in complete agreement. I'm not a 'dump him now' fan ever unless the circumstances clearly indicate that there's no hope...and there's nothing in Sweeter's post that indicates that. Yes, I am quietly hopeful that this will turn into a "success story" in due course..! It can be with a bit of effort and consideration.
jonesgirly Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Sweeter : I 'totally' understand your feelings of "am I stupid" to stay with him, as well as your confusion. I'm sure all you can think about is "am I overreacting?", and "what ta hell did he do here?" My post : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t71417/ (there are others within my profile) Although we are married, it was only for a short time, so I can identify with your concerns. I will give your fiance one MAJOR 'kudo' here - He TOLD you about it! I envy you in that regard. How I wish my husband hadn't lied, covered up, and denied every point that later turned out to be true! How much easier it would've been to 'move on' if HE had been as honest as he 'proclaimed' to be. Although I know NOTHING else about your man, I will give him credit for being a person with enough integrity to bring the situation TO you, and hope that you see this as a positive step. What he did was wrong, and he knows it. An EA (like the one your husband was having), is JUST as damaging as a PA. The betrayal is there, the secrecy is there, the 'detachment from you' is there, as well as the serious breach of trust. The lines of communication MUST be kept open between the two of you - he seems worthy to me, and I wish you well.
Author sweeter25 Posted May 5, 2006 Author Posted May 5, 2006 Well, I have decided to give him a second chance. I told him that I don't want to be a sucker, though-There are no other chances. We are going to counseling on Monday. I want our marriage to succeed. I really love him, and I know that we're stronger than this. Nothing in life is a guarantee, but I can make the most of what my heart believes to be a sure thing.
Author sweeter25 Posted May 12, 2006 Author Posted May 12, 2006 Last night the fiance and I had a major argument. I went on his computer and saw that he was on a forum in the same group as the OW. Now, I realize that he wasn't talking to her, but i had asked him to not be "around" her anymore (this was an online EA...he met her through gaming, they never met face to face, they never will, as she lives all the way across the country). I confronted him and he said to me, "what do you want me to do? give up my computer altogether and just sit here and be with you? you know it's my hobby, but if that;s what you want me to do, i'll do it. then you'll see how miserable i'll be." and if that wasn't hurtful enough, and believe me, i let him know how much that hurt, he says, "i didn't cheat on you! i ended it before I cheated on you. i'm over it now! she's over it. all that's left is for you to get over it" to which i answered, "the only one who has to get over ANYTHING is me...and you DID cheat on me...how much further could you have gone without leaving me altogether?" and that just shut him up. he has changed so much in the past couple days...I am so confused. Please, someone, help.
Author sweeter25 Posted May 15, 2006 Author Posted May 15, 2006 Well, it happened. He told me that he can't stop talking to her, so I left. It's over. I am so hurt by this, I don't know where to go next. Where do I turn? I don't want to leave, but it hurts SO MUCH.
whichwayisup Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 I know this means nothing now, but it's his loss. He is choosing a woman who he's never MET in real life over YOU, well, he's a complete FOOL. What he doesn't know is, he's made the biggest mistake and he is going to regret it when he finds out that the online 'friend' isn't what he thought she would be. I'm sorry for your pain. Stay strong and I know as much as this has killed you to do, you had no other choice. It's obvious that he isn't thinking clearly and is caught up in the fantasy of online romance. Try to take it one day at a time and please, go into no contact mode. For your own heart and peace of mind.
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