Spirality Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 this is probably a very common problem, and I DID see a couple of posts about it, but I just wanted to share my story and seek some opinions... so I'm coming 20 this year, and he's coming 34. that's a 14 year difference. he's a nice guy, VERY nice, not all looks (and surprisingly I don't seem to mind sometimes), but it always hits me at random moments when I think of me being 26 and he'll be 40. then other times like, I'm a really hyperactive person, and I need to get out and move around, but for him, he's at the age where he should be settling down and stuff. not that it scares me, but as much as I'm interested I don't want to give in my freedom and I don't want to grow up so soon, I still have so many things to do and I don't want to be tied down so early! by the way, he's divorced with a 3 year old kid. we get along great, he has told me he doesn't see me as a 20 year old but more of like a 25, 26 year old because I have a very mature way of thinking and looking at things. it's like we've known each other for years but the age limit always scares me a lil because it's really so far! if we do stick together I'll be like 36 and he'll be 50! I don't want to ruin my freedom as much as I like him. I think the answer is pretty obvious after typing all these out, but I just need some advice on what I should do to preserve this relationship as it is without killing my whole youth life away. I don't want to kill this friendship we have between us. do advice!
Down60lbs Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 34 is still young to me. You say that you don't want to ruin your freedom like someone is trying to take your freedom away. A controlling, abusive boyfriend/husband takes away his wife/girlfriend's freedom. Women who allow their freedom to be taken away gets it taken away. I am sure he still wants to be able to do the things even if he is in a relationship. I don't think you guys are talking about moving in together or marrying each other are you? You just have to make it clear as to what you want and don't want. He knows you are young and he is older than you, so he needs to understand that you are still going to continue living your life the way you want just as your would normally.
tikigods Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 I think the only way an age difference really works out is if both people are generally on the same page when it comes to life. My hubby and I are 9 years apart, but the age thing never comes up cause we are both active and whatnot in our lives and enjoy doing the same things and so on . The kid thing would have me scared since you are young and he doesn't have the free time to romp around with you if he has to watch the child as well. But all in all if you see him as someone you can hang out with and enjoy then by all means date him, but if you guys aren't on the same page about life then I say just stay friends
blind_otter Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 I think the only way an age difference really works out is if both people are generally on the same page when it comes to life. My hubby and I are 9 years apart, but the age thing never comes up cause we are both active and whatnot in our lives and enjoy doing the same things and so on . The kid thing would have me scared since you are young and he doesn't have the free time to romp around with you if he has to watch the child as well. But all in all if you see him as someone you can hang out with and enjoy then by all means date him, but if you guys aren't on the same page about life then I say just stay friends yeah. I agree.
ehead Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 I couldn't help but pipe up on this one, just to highlight the inadequacies of stereotypes and assumptions. I am 35 and my girlfriend just recently turned 21. Fortunately I look like I could be in my late twenties, which makes us stand out a little less. Anyway, I try and get her to go out all the time to hip young places, but usually she would rather just stay at home and watch movies, or hang out at at her families house even (not making this up). I'm also a lot more energetic (I run 20 miles a week), and even more compulsive and irresponsible to a large degree. I have never been married and don't have any kids, so that makes me less tied down than many guys my age. I'm certainly not ready to get married now, either. Oddly enough, her previous boyfriend, who was her same age, wanted to marry her. That is partly why she left him. One cannot draw a direct connection between someone's age and their willingness/reluctance to commit long term. I'd stop thinking about everything in terms of the age-difference, and just start thinking about him as a person. Does he want a serious relationship right now ? If so, it would be wrong of you to tell him that is what you want too, if that is not the case. You may find he is perfectly content to just wait and see what happens. Don't let him push you though, or be more serious than you wish to be. If he is smart he will recognize the futility of that anyway. I think in general people spend way to much energy thinking about the future of their relationship, instead of simply living in the present and enjoying their relationship. I mean, honestly, can anyone ever really have any gaurantees about the future ? Who knows what is going to happen. Just be honest with him and tell him how you feel. The rest is up to him. BTW, taking that extra step and making a long term committment to someone is scary, it doesn't matter how old you are. I tend to think it SHOULD be a little bit scary. It's a serious step.
SuperMonk Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 That's too big of a age difference + he has a kid! Let him know how you feel, ignore, and move on! I'm in my mid to late twenties and I'm dating a 21 year old. I think that's the max limit a young person should go. You start getting the gross tag on you if you date 10 years younger. There's too much of a generational gap between the two, you may think that's not important but it is to me. A lot of old dudes who game young women younger than 10 years try to rationalize and think it's not much of a difference that it's all about LOVE. What about commonalities/interests/similar thinking patterns - Those require age and factor in total compatibility. They're the same line of women who are aged 35 who think think it's totally cool to kick it with a young guy in his 20s or they make claims that sex is much better at their age than when they're in their 20s. I lol at them trying to kid themselves. 40 year old with a 30 year old. Not a big deal. Example = Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie 55 year old with a 30 year old. Big deal. Example: Michael Douglas/Catherina Zeta Jones 27-29 year old with a 20-23 year old. Not a big deal. Example = Me 35-38 year old with a 20-23 year old. Big deal = Example = Gross
Skeered Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 My BF is going to be 40 this month and I am 33 this month..not a huge difference however he's never been married and no children, I have been married and have one.. I think all those things are matters to be thought through before entering into a relationship with anyone. You sound like you are already afraid that he's going to keep you from doing things you might want to do or do want to do. If this is the case talk with him...if his views are simply not the same as you one of you will have to make a change or you will have to find someone with those same interests as you because more than likely you would be the one slowing down if that's what he wants.
magda Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 When I was 19 I dated a 34 year old.. he was kind of immature. I guess that's to be expected since he was dating me and was somehow in my friendship circle. My biggest issue other than the personality thing was that it was hard to experience new stuff together. I was always being like, "no i've never tried that, done that, been there" and being the litle protege or something, which was annoying. I didn't like feeling like the youngin - not that he made me feel that way. There was also a pretty big disparity in our finances. Plus I felt weird meeting his parents, and when he told people I was 19 I felt this odd pride in his voice that made me feel like a piece of ass. I think it is best to be closer in age so you are more evened out, but it can work out I suppose. It wouldn't have for me... I had a lot of changes to go through in my early 20s and he was looking for marriage... he was just a phase for me. He ended up jumping into a marriage within a year or so. I wonder how that went.
SuperMonk Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 When I was 19 I dated a 34 year old.. he was kind of immature. I guess that's to be expected since he was dating me and was somehow in my friendship circle. My biggest issue other than the personality thing was that it was hard to experience new stuff together. I was always being like, "no i've never tried that, done that, been there" and being the litle protege or something, which was annoying. I didn't like feeling like the youngin - not that he made me feel that way. There was also a pretty big disparity in our finances. Plus I felt weird meeting his parents, and when he told people I was 19 I felt this odd pride in his voice that made me feel like a piece of ass. I think it is best to be closer in age so you are more evened out, but it can work out I suppose. It wouldn't have for me... I had a lot of changes to go through in my early 20s and he was looking for marriage... he was just a phase for me. He ended up jumping into a marriage within a year or so. I wonder how that went. That sucks. I treat my bit..girl as a partner in crime. Now you see, my CREEP/GROSS Formula works. ie any dude that wants to date someone 7 years younger when he's in his 30s automatically is a gross dude. If he's in his 40s, it's 10 years, and 50s (if for whatever reason he's still single..maybe too ugly) then late 30s woman. There are two or three gross people in this thread, remember their names...
Author Spirality Posted May 3, 2006 Author Posted May 3, 2006 thanks alot for everyone's replies and concerns and opinions! The kid thing would have me scared since you are young and he doesn't have the free time to romp around with you if he has to watch the child as well. The kid thing is something that bugs me as well, it's like, sometimes I'm thinking to myself, what the hell am I doing? he has a 3 year old kid, even though he shares the responsibility with his ex wife every once in a while to take him out and stuff (I even went to the zoo with him and his kid the other day). But if I were to get involved with him, I'm assuming that I'd have to do that full time, and I'm not really ready to become a 'mother' to a kid yet. like I said, I don't want to be tied down by responsibilities, he might be ok with it, but it'll still bug me. I couldn't help but pipe up on this one, just to highlight the inadequacies of stereotypes and assumptions. I am 35 and my girlfriend just recently turned 21. Fortunately I look like I could be in my late twenties, which makes us stand out a little less. Anyway, I try and get her to go out all the time to hip young places, but usually she would rather just stay at home and watch movies, or hang out at at her families house even (not making this up). I'm also a lot more energetic (I run 20 miles a week), and even more compulsive and irresponsible to a large degree. I have never been married and don't have any kids, so that makes me less tied down than many guys my age. I'm certainly not ready to get married now, either. Oddly enough, her previous boyfriend, who was her same age, wanted to marry her. That is partly why she left him. One cannot draw a direct connection between someone's age and their willingness/reluctance to commit long term. I'd stop thinking about everything in terms of the age-difference, and just start thinking about him as a person. Does he want a serious relationship right now ? If so, it would be wrong of you to tell him that is what you want too, if that is not the case. You may find he is perfectly content to just wait and see what happens. Don't let him push you though, or be more serious than you wish to be. If he is smart he will recognize the futility of that anyway. BTW, taking that extra step and making a long term committment to someone is scary, it doesn't matter how old you are. I tend to think it SHOULD be a little bit scary. It's a serious step. hey! we have the same age differences! but we're just like the opposite, I'm superly hyperactive and I like to go places and jump around and be wild (briefly make the most of my age), be happy and crazy and you know, act my age BUT, for him, I can tell from various little chats that he does want to like settle down and stuff, to just chill. he's not the kind who would mind me doing my own things, yes, but then if I do go to partying places with him I'd wanna go dance, and mingle around while he'd just sit at the bar and chill. I don't want to feel bad doing what I usually do. and yes, I think long term commitmentship is very scary too. and I've always had a fear with commitments... a jump into this kind of relationship will scare the hell out of me. I don't want to grow up and take up too adult ways of thinking - yet... I know I am able to but I just don't want to, considering I have so many things I haven't done... I think all those things are matters to be thought through before entering into a relationship with anyone. You sound like you are already afraid that he's going to keep you from doing things you might want to do or do want to do. If this is the case talk with him...if his views are simply not the same as you one of you will have to make a change or you will have to find someone with those same interests as you because more than likely you would be the one slowing down if that's what he wants. I do want to talk to him, but I don't want to sound silly and too paranoid about the situation, which probably might give him a laugh. He won't want me to change, but I would feel like the need to change to adapt... it's just me. When I was 19 I dated a 34 year old.. he was kind of immature. I guess that's to be expected since he was dating me and was somehow in my friendship circle. My biggest issue other than the personality thing was that it was hard to experience new stuff together. I was always being like, "no i've never tried that, done that, been there" and being the litle protege or something, which was annoying. I didn't like feeling like the youngin - not that he made me feel that way. There was also a pretty big disparity in our finances. Plus I felt weird meeting his parents, and when he told people I was 19 I felt this odd pride in his voice that made me feel like a piece of ass. I think it is best to be closer in age so you are more evened out, but it can work out I suppose. It wouldn't have for me... I had a lot of changes to go through in my early 20s and he was looking for marriage... he was just a phase for me. He ended up jumping into a marriage within a year or so. I wonder how that went. in my case, H here is very mature, he's like a perfect gentlemen, but the thing in me tells me 'for all you know men his age tend to act like that just to get chicks nowadays'. that 'been there, done that thing' has happened to me a number of times too. there're moments where he'd mention an event, gig, band, or even movie, and I'd not know anything about it, and he'd go, 'oh yeah, I don't assume you even knew about it back then, you were in elementary school while I was out partying at 20'. it hits me like a wham. and I don't want to sound or look like a little young prick who's going out with this more mature, more settled man. once again, I appreciate all opinions and comments, be it bad or good. I'm halfway done making my desicion and knowing what to do, thanks to you guys!
justagirliegirl Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 I would never date anyone with small kids. Just not interested in any parenting duties and problems that come along with it. I say just go out and see what happens. You don't have to make any life and death decisions over a few dates. There is a 20 year difference between me and my bf. I'm the older one. If we didn't have anything in common we wouldn't be together. Probably a benefit of meeting online first before we met in person as it gave us plenty of time to discuss interests and values. I wouldn't think he would have known much about the 80s but for whatever reason he embraced that era and many of our favorite movies are from that time period. Plus all the games that came out then we have in common. So that is kinda nice he is able to talk about that time period. There are plenty of things I haven't done so no it isn't like I am always been there and done that to him. Maybe it is odd but it seems like I have a new life with him that the things we do together are all brand new.
littlekitty Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Taking on someone with children is a big commitment to make, more so (if as it sounds) he has main custody. At just 20 I think I would take a step back and out of the situation. It sounds like you realise you'd loose a large amount of your freedom, and you would. I think you know you aren't ready for what this would take. And, just for the record, he wouldn't want to hear you refer to his son as 'his kid' or 'your kid'. It's not the nicest term. His child or son is a preferred term! My partner has a two year old son whom we have every weekend (and more so), and it takes a lot of work and a lot of selflessness on my part. That's not hard if you're ready for it. But at 30 I was....
ehead Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Well SuperMonk, I don't consider myself a gross guy. I know it may be hard for anyone to believe, but after 8 months of dating, my girlfriend and I seriously don't even think about the age difference anymore. Nor do our parents or friends. I mean, if they have any issues with it that still are not resolved after 8 months they really have problems. Interestingly, when we meet new people they tend to underestimate my age and overestimate hers ... it's like an optical illusion. People place me in my late twenties and her in her mid twenties. Living near DC we meet a lot of foreigners, and we've discovered that in general Europeans seem to be less judgemental and concerned about age. Americans seem to be very particular about what age people should or should not be doing this or that, and at what age you should have a family, settle down, etc ... It seems plenty of Americans just have strong ideas in general about what others are doing, and what they should be doing. I would think him having a kid is a much bigger issue than the age difference. When I was in my mid twenties I dated a 22 yo with a 3 yo kid and he nearly drove me nuts. That experience led me to believe I'll never want kids, hehe.
avidtraveler Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 Age doesn't matter as long as you love each other! When I first started dating my ex-fiance at 15 I was several years older than him. My current fiance is 9 years younger than me but it doesn't make a difference because we love each other. Of course, it depends on looks. I look very young (around 16) for my age and the men I have dated all have looked older - in fact many times people think HE'S the one robbing the cradle!
Author Spirality Posted May 5, 2006 Author Posted May 5, 2006 Taking on someone with children is a big commitment to make, more so (if as it sounds) he has main custody. At just 20 I think I would take a step back and out of the situation. It sounds like you realise you'd loose a large amount of your freedom, and you would. I think you know you aren't ready for what this would take. And, just for the record, he wouldn't want to hear you refer to his son as 'his kid' or 'your kid'. It's not the nicest term. His child or son is a preferred term! My partner has a two year old son whom we have every weekend (and more so), and it takes a lot of work and a lot of selflessness on my part. That's not hard if you're ready for it. But at 30 I was.... thank you for the advice, thanks everyone again! I think I know what to do now.
PuppyDogEyes Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Now you see, my CREEP/GROSS Formula works. ie any dude that wants to date someone 7 years younger when he's in his 30s automatically is a gross dude. (rest of ridiculousness snipped) What I think is "gross" is making stereotypical judgements about people without taking the time to get to know them and their individual situations. I wonder what level of "grossness" I am, being a 34 year old female dating a 21 year old male... and having been together since we were 32/19, I guess I must have passed beyond "gross" into the realm of "horrifyingly disgusting". Living near DC we meet a lot of foreigners, and we've discovered that in general Europeans seem to be less judgemental and concerned about age. Americans seem to be very particular about what age people should or should not be doing this or that, and at what age you should have a family, settle down, etc ... ehead, I think that you and I are in a similar situation. My boyfriend is European and extremely mature for his age (people have reversed our chronological ages as well - one person was asked to guess, and they pegged him as 25 and me as 27). He's just not concerned about the difference. I was at first, and very strongly too. I wanted him to go out, have fun, do college-type things with his buddies or whatever - but he's just not a partying type. He's been allowed to drink alcohol (mainly wine) since he was 12 years old, so the "drinking to get drunk" thing is, as he puts it, "simply stupid". Then again, he's also called most American chicks "bubble-headed" and "moronic", but.... Yes, I think the child would be a big concern here, actually. If I'd had children, it would definitely place my current relationship in a different light, and I most definitely would have thought more than twice about entering into the situation. I hope you come to a conclusion that you can be satisfied with, Spirality. This "gross" chick is off to spend a nice, long, romantic weekend with her 21-year-old. - pde.
SmoochieFace Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 That sucks. I treat my bit..girl as a partner in crime. Now you see, my CREEP/GROSS Formula works. ie any dude that wants to date someone 7 years younger when he's in his 30s automatically is a gross dude. If he's in his 40s, it's 10 years, and 50s (if for whatever reason he's still single..maybe too ugly) then late 30s woman. There are two or three gross people in this thread, remember their names... This has got to be one of the most ridiculously judgmental posts I have read here... so if I wish to date a woman who is 30 that means I am *gross*? Laughable. Question: Do you dream up this bulls*** or do you just make it up as you go along? BTW, my GF is almost nine years older than me. I can't wait for your insight on that.
bykenore Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 That's too big of a age difference + he has a kid! Let him know how you feel, ignore, and move on! I'm in my mid to late twenties and I'm dating a 21 year old. I think that's the max limit a young person should go. You start getting the gross tag on you if you date 10 years younger. There's too much of a generational gap between the two, you may think that's not important but it is to me. A lot of old dudes who game young women younger than 10 years try to rationalize and think it's not much of a difference that it's all about LOVE. What about commonalities/interests/similar thinking patterns - Those require age and factor in total compatibility. They're the same line of women who are aged 35 who think think it's totally cool to kick it with a young guy in his 20s or they make claims that sex is much better at their age than when they're in their 20s. I lol at them trying to kid themselves. 40 year old with a 30 year old. Not a big deal. Example = Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie 55 year old with a 30 year old. Big deal. Example: Michael Douglas/Catherina Zeta Jones 27-29 year old with a 20-23 year old. Not a big deal. Example = Me 35-38 year old with a 20-23 year old. Big deal = Example = Gross My dad is 17 years older than my mom - they're still married after 38 years. Different strokes for different folks. If you don't want to date someone X years older or younger than you, then don't do it. The fact that you personally don't like it doesn't make it a "big deal" for everyone else though.
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