Author RealityCheck Posted May 3, 2006 Author Posted May 3, 2006 OZGirl…..Firstly, I want to acknowledge and applaude you on your ability to remain focused on a question and how you communicated so effectively in response to the question. You clearly provided some excellent thought provoking insights for what I was seeking! Thank you! Your response deserves my reason for asking the question. Up until the latter part of last year, NEVER could I have imagined having an A with a MM. I will admit, once being married to a man who was extremely emotionally detached I can see how an A can take place. The thought crossed my mind many, many times, however I did not act on it because I did not want to complicate the problem and have to deal with more things to think about other than leaving the marriage. After leaving the marriage, I was fully aware that I was carrying a lot of emotional baggage from my H. I knew I had to fix myself before I could consider entering another relationship because I would only be bringing part of my marriage into something new and ultimately be setting the relationship up for a crash Having said this, I was strictly dating at the time I met my exMM. From day one he was completely honest about his marital status and carried on to say that both, he and his wife were extremely unhappy in the marriage and neither of them loved each other, and neither of them had no intentions of leaving the marriage at this point in their lives for “practicle reasons”! Living this reality in my marriage, I had no reason to think otherwise! The difference for me, eventually I was able to see it for what is was and leave!! Carrying baggage from my previous marriage, I really thought this would be a safe place for me for many reasons! In terms of feeding my intimate needs, heck! I didn’t have the worries of thinking how many woman my exMM was sleeping with as opposed to the men I was dating, I THOUGHT I COULD REMAIN UNATTACHED, I could still date because I didn’t owe him “sweet tweet” and I didn’t have the day-to-day committed responsibilities that goes into a relationship I ended the A after 5 months. With every encounter I realized that I was becoming more and more emotionally attached but in a way that seemed so unnatural to me. I was falling HARD AND FAST! This was more than a “red flag”! For me, it was a “danger zone"!. I have never fallen that hard and fast for anyone! For me, it took more time! Sure I felt love in the process of my previous relationships, but NOT like I was feeling in the A This was why I asked the question. I really wanted to know if anyone out there had experienced some form of detachment. Truth is some of us know what it is like to have experienced detachment in an unfulfilled marriage. Perhaps different reasons but detachment all the same.
Blind Illusion Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 I, myself thought that was a very insightful post, Art I mostly agree (with a little hesitation about the victim part-I suppose that is because I never thought of myself as the victim. Maybe the victim of a bad marriage, if anything) I also was a product of a marriage filled with infidelity on my father's part, Art, and as the oldest, I knew what was going on the most. You are right in what you say about the children. People can blame the OW , the cheating spouse or the marital partners involved but the children NEVER have any part in causing this sort of thing.
Blind Illusion Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 I can't imagine why a woman would want to have sex with a guy she didn't have any romantic emotional connection to anyway. I can't identify with that at all, and I doubt I'm the only one who feels like that. . No, Its not about having no emotional connection at all. I would tend to agree with you then, Ladyjane with your above quote. I am thinking, though, that this particular thread was speaking about about the degree of attachment. If you look back to the original post, RealityCheck even says how there has to be some emotional attachment. Perhaps I am misspeaking for her but when I read the post initially, I thought she was questioning if an affair could ever exist without the extreme highs and lows that sometimes characterize some of them.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 No, Its not about having no emotional connection at all. I would tend to agree with you then, Ladyjane with your above quote. I am thinking, though, that this particular thread was speaking about about the degree of attachment. If you look back to the original post, RealityCheck even says how there has to be some emotional attachment. Perhaps I am misspeaking for her but when I read the post initially, I thought she was questioning if an affair could ever exist without the extreme highs and lows that sometimes characterize some of them. Weird how two people can look at the same initial post and read it differently. Is it possible to have an A without getting too attached to the MM? I mean sure, there will be some form of attachment, but what I'm talking about are the "ultimate highs and verrrry lows"? Cause, when I went into my A, I really thought I could be there for just the great sex. NOT! Has anyone experienced not getting really emotionally twisted in the A?? To me, it looked like a question of how to have indiscriminate, random sex with a MM and not get emotionally involved. She mentioned some "form of attachment", but I'm not sure what she means by that. Is it just attraction or is it something more? She has since clarified herself, but I don't think it was worth busting anybody's chops over since the intitial post itself was somewhat murky.
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 But, I don't know of many woman who "look" for a MM. Remember Mandy and the dentist?? Were you here around the time she was posting?
zarathustra Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Weird how two people can look at the same initial post and read it differently. To me, it looked like a question of how to have indiscriminate, random sex with a MM and not get emotionally involved. She mentioned some "form of attachment", but I'm not sure what she means by that. Is it just attraction or is it something more? She has since clarified herself, but I don't think it was worth busting anybody's chops over since the intitial post itself was somewhat murky. I guess through reading some of RC's other posts, I got the vibe that she's looking to see if there are people out there that was able to have affairs without getting too attached - as she thought she could and ended up hurt like the rest of us OWs on this forum. I thought that from the orig. post and I think it now from my interaction with her. Hey, if I got it wrong, then blame it on the flaws in communication/interpretation. I think that the consensus here is that it is highly improbably that one can have an affair without getting too attached. IMHO, if we could have As without attachment, then there wouldn't be the lot of us in pain and hurt. Those who can have As, but not attach themselves to the MM would likely not post it on here or be visiting LS (I suppose) because I don't think that they have need for this site.
Author RealityCheck Posted May 3, 2006 Author Posted May 3, 2006 Hi LadyJane.... I did respond after some reading other posts on page 2. Have a read, and if you need further clarity to my question, I will be happy to respond.
Author RealityCheck Posted May 3, 2006 Author Posted May 3, 2006 Zara..... You were bang on with your interpretation of my question. And; you are so correct in saying that I never imagined myself hurt in this dreadful experience. Honestly, NEVER again! I do believe, I will lay this to rest. Thank you Zara, you have been an incredible source of light to a very dark place. *BIG HUG*
zarathustra Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Zara..... You were bang on with your interpretation of my question. And; you are so correct in saying that I never imagined myself hurt in this dreadful experience. Honestly, NEVER again! I do believe, I will lay this to rest. Thank you Zara, you have been an incredible source of light to a very dark place. *BIG HUG* Thanks... I make my living as an analyst, can you tell?!? I'll NOT quit my day job, then. RC, anytime you need me, I'll be there. I'm just glad to be of service. PM me if you have access:cool:
zarathustra Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Remember Mandy and the dentist?? Were you here around the time she was posting? FWIW, WWIU, I don't think that RC went looking for her MM. If I remember correctly from her original thread, her MM made himself available to her at the time for a physical relationship and one thing lead to another and she fell in love with him. I never read that she went about looking for an men who are specifically MM to just be a f buddy with. But I guess we're all talking hypothetically here, right? In that case, heck, anything is possible. While most people don't go looking for MMs to have As with, I'm sure there are a few who do. Like most people wouldn't choose to commit a crime, but how are there criminals then if not for a few who choose that kind of a life?
Sami_D Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Mandy and the dentist... omg... now why d'ya have to bring that up..?? I'm still sure she was either nuts or a troll.
Owl Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 I dont' know...I thought she just had a Tooth Fairy Fetish myself.
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 I dont' know...I thought she just had a Tooth Fairy Fetish myself. Now that is funny...
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