Is It Possible.......

[RealityCheck]

Is it possible to have an A without getting too attached to the MM?

 

I mean sure, there will be some form of attachment, but what I'm talking about are the "ultimate highs and verrrry lows"?

 

Cause, when I went into my A, I really thought I could be there for just the great sex. NOT!

 

Has anyone experienced not getting really emotionally twisted in the A??

[lovernotafighter]

well it's not me.

 

I thought the same thing you did..we can be friends have a great time together..let our hair down...but it spun out of our control..

 

I feel like my MM and I went backwards...we didn't the in love feelings till after the sex..I'm clueless as to how to deal with this.

[RealityCheck]

For me, being single I figured I could have the best of both worlds! Have One casual partner and still play the field until that special someone came along! I loved the thought of my MM not having any control over this situation!!

 

Well, he knew he didn't have control over my two worlds, but he certainly had control of my emotions! Blaaaaaa!

[Jessie61]

Is it possible to have an A without getting too attached to the MM?

 

Has anyone experienced not getting really emotionally twisted in the A??

 

I am sure it is possible, but not me.... unfortunately! Totally besotted from day one....

[Owl]

It's possible...there are people that do it. But I don't believe that this is something that you truly have control over. Most people can't seperate the physical act from the emotional need...that's not a 'blame' thing...it's simple reality that for most of us, the act also ties to our emotions.

 

So most people who get involved in a physical affair almost inevitably find themselves emotionally involved as well...regardless of what they planned at the beginning.

[whichwayisup]

I don't understand why you would bother involving yourself with a MM if you don't "feel" anything for him in the first place. Why not go and be with a single guy? Or is the fact he IS married and not looking for anything serious?

 

Also, you are hurting his WIFE and possibly children if he has any, just so you two can have some "fun on the side." That's not cool.

 

I'm sure there are TONS of single men who are looking for a fling, nothing serious and no-strings attached situation.

[RealityCheck]

whichwayisup.....

 

CHILL!!!

 

Excuse me, who said I was LOOKING!!!! for a MM!!!!

 

I simply asked a question!!!

[scarletletter]

I don't believe that any human can just have sex with no emotional ties. It is very hard to separate the two. So many emotions and tenderness go into a sexual relationship. I think you would have to have ice water running through your veins if you didn't feel that.

[travellingman]

whichwayisup.....

 

CHILL!!!

 

Excuse me, who said I was LOOKING!!!! for a MM!!!!

 

I simply asked a question!!!

 

Don't worry about wwiu, she's repeated that same tired, preachy line thousands of times.

[Art_Critic]

Don't worry about wwiu, she's repeated that same tired, preachy line thousands of times.

 

It bears repeating..

[travellingman]

It bears repeating..

 

no it doesn't, if you can't come up with sound advice, save the sermons for Sunday

[Art_Critic]

no it doesn't, if you can't come up with sound advice, save the sermons for Sunday

 

I think it was sound advice.. Judging by your reaction it must've hit a sweet spot

[whichwayisup]

I am allowed to post my thoughts, like or not, take it or leave it. I try my best to discourage women from making a horrible mistake. If that comes off as harsh, I am sorry, but I won't sit here and support the OW and give them pointers on how to keep the MM around. Just won't do it.

 

Yes, I seem to piss off some OW in this section, but I have had MANY PM's and thoughts even out here on the boards of thanks for the advice and help. So, like it not folks, I will continue to share my advice.

 

Thanks A_C, you seem to see my point once again.

[whichwayisup]

whichwayisup.....

 

CHILL!!!

 

Excuse me, who said I was LOOKING!!!! for a MM!!!!

 

I simply asked a question!!!

 

Is it possible to have an A without getting too attached to the MM?

 

Why would you post this in the OM/OW section if you were just asking. Most people who pose questions in this section ARE either OW or close to BEING an OW.

 

My mistake, I just assumed that either you were or ARE with a MM. I do feel I touched a sore spot judging by the reaction - OR you are very against OW dating MM, which also could mean I offended you by assuming my original thought.

[OzGirl]

IMHO, no, I don't think it's possible - but maybe it depends on the duration. The longer it goes for, the more attached you are going to become to each other, judging by my own experience and what I've read of others.

 

My theory is that with a MM, you can start off almost fulfilling some sort of sexual fantasy or curiosity, of having no consequence for just going wild, so to speak. There's no sense of feeling 'slutty', because those feelings can only be felt if you care about what someone thinks of you, or if you fear there being some consequence for appearing that way. It's almost given that it's just sex, so therefore, nothing's held back in that department.

 

But then, it's because of that, you get feelings for them. You feel like because you can be free, they give you a sense of comfort and trust beyond that of someone who you may be a little more restrained with, or where you want to be seen as "good" for other reasons, too. In an affair, nothing negates the desire for sex, and nothing tempers the type of sex you might have.

 

With those feelings of it being so great physically, your emotions start to hone in on that and you start to feel completely free and at ease around that person, sex or no sex. I think the feelings reciprocated from the MM (or person). It's warped because marriage isn't like that.... there's many things to do, and they're not all good and enjoyable, and they don't always make you feel good about yourself or about your partner, but underneath all of that, I think married partners know this, and accept it as a part of life, and that you can't do it any other way. Ie, if you could have it hot and steamy and wonderful and without conflict or hard work, then there would be no need to have affairs in the first place.

 

I also think this is why a lot of MM (or W) don't leave when caught. They wanted those feelings and enjoyed them with the affair partner, but reality is, marriage is what marriage is, and why would they leave it for it to be the same thing with someone else and have to start all over again. Especially if the affair merely reminds them of how their marriage started.

 

That phrase "when the honeymoon is over" exists because it's metaphorical for what happens, in most cases. I'm not saying this is the only answer to your question, but to broadly generalise, this is what I think. I think most MM like having BACK that ol' feeling when they have an affair. For the affair partner, I think they like having that NEW feeling... and that's the reason why, ultimately, I think affairs end, because it's a realisation at some point that one wants to move forward, the other is merely revisiting a past feeling within themself. Either way, at the time it happens, I believe it's only a matter of time after you start an affair feelings will develop.

[Blind Illusion]

I am allowed to post my thoughts, like or not, take it or leave it. I try my best to discourage women from making a horrible mistake. If that comes off as harsh, I am sorry, but I won't sit here and support the OW and give them pointers on how to keep the MM around. Just won't do it.

 

Yes, I seem to piss off some OW in this section, but I have had MANY PM's and thoughts even out here on the boards of thanks for the advice and help. So, like it not folks, I will continue to share my advice.

 

Thanks A_C, you seem to see my point once again.

With all due respect, I don't think this was a thread asking for support or pointers-it was merely discussing a hypothetical situation and if one, as she mentioned , could exist. We don't always have to be in a state of asking advice and we certainly don't always have to be in a state of giving it either.

 

Sometimes, we can just discuss without recriminations.

Just because you might discuss the possibility of something happening is hardly the same as you expressing your approval of that very same something.

 

The thread poster could have a different married man for each month of the year (God help her, though ) or she could be saving her virginity for some knight in shining armor that will take her away on a white horse. (and hopefully, me too). Is that really that relevant to the query she posed?

[Art_Critic]

Sometimes, we can just discuss without recriminations.

It seems we can't ... WWIU 's advice seems to be getting some recriminations

[OzGirl]

I don't understand why you would bother involving yourself with a MM if you don't "feel" anything for him in the first place. Why not go and be with a single guy? Or is the fact he IS married and not looking for anything serious?

 

Also, you are hurting his WIFE and possibly children if he has any, just so you two can have some "fun on the side." That's not cool.

 

I'm sure there are TONS of single men who are looking for a fling, nothing serious and no-strings attached situation.

 

I don't know if this answers the original question as much as it was asked "is this possible" in relation to how a relationship with a MM can end up. The answer is, therefore, yes, it's possible. Not likely, but possible.

 

As for your questions. Why... Well, a single man threatens the fact that it's only sex - at the beginning, there is potential to have feelings for a single person, or vice versa. If neither party are wanting that, then it's a safe bet with a MM it can only stay as sex. I think your assumption that he is married, answers the question of why not look for a single man.

 

You're also assuming the OW is "looking". More often than not, she's poached. Fair enough, she could say no. But, I don't know of many woman who "look" for a MM. They are approached, and AFTER that they consider the option.

 

As for hurting his wife, I think you're right on that point. But, the OW isn't aware of this. We can all, in these forums of both infidelity and OW/OM, look back at mistakes we made and question why we made them. Everything seems obvious in hindsight, or, if you seek to educate yourself on the bredth of the subject. But, when a man says his marriage is basically over, and there's an opportunity for a no-strings-attached physical or emotional relationship, then the wife's feelings are not considered because the person who DOES know the wife has informed you it's not something that would affect anything. With the trust that goes to an OW from a MM that they can do something discreetly, the trust is often automatically reciprocated, and that's how faith in what the MM says prevails.

 

Single men who are looking for a fling, are often looking for a one night stand, or for several "flingees" simultaneously. Sex might just be sex, but it is, at the very least, often better to know it's not something social, as much as it is private. With a MM, you can safely bet you are exclusively the only OW.

 

Now, I'm not saying any of this is okay. I'm not suggesting it makes sense to a BS, and it certainly only makes sense to me because I've been there, to some extent, and blindly fallen into the trap of being an OW. You might consider that gullible, or naive, or stupid, or senseless, or whatever. That's okay, I don't mind if you do.

 

I also agree, though, that it was all of these things - but only because my world got opened up to the truth for what it was, not the truth for how I perceived it for being told to me by the MM.

 

So, I think this thread was started to find out if it's possible. Sure, it's a question that's asked by many OW still in relationships with MM, and sure, the statistics indicate it rarely happens, and therefore, all those times it doesn't, many people can get hurt in the process, including the OW, the W and the wayward spouse.

 

Life's full of mistakes. Some of them are small, some of them are huge. But, to come in here and question why someone does something is not exactly helping anyone. It's neither answering the question asked, or making anyone reading these posts really any wiser to the point where they will change their actions for it. My guess, is the only people who are assisted are those who get to vent some anger, or preach some righteousness to those who they identify with as being contributors to their own life's problems.

 

Again, I personally, welcome the comments of BS's, and I say that because in my case, the W of the MM was the ONLY person who I never found out, in the end, how this really affected her. In fact, it's only in the LS forums that I can guess based on the consistancy of what's said by BS's.

 

If someone asks "is what I'm doing going to hurt anyone", then sure, fire away, and make yourself crystal clear for the sake of everyone involved in these situations, and I suspect, if your motivations REALLY are to help save anyone in these relationships from being hurt, then why not make sure you're not completely overlooked and skipped past when what you have to say is relevent and answering the question.

 

So far, I'm not sure if it's helped anyone to post what you have. For me, it's annoying that the original post hasn't had fair chance to get attention from those who can answer the question, rather than offer commentry on what, though obvious, is not relevent to the objectives of the original poster.

 

And yes, I'm ready for you to flame me, too. Just remember - the "bitches" the MM say they're married to - you might come across justifying their claims, and supporting the idea to continue relationships with MM if you're not being constructive.

[erika2610]

With all due respect, I don't think this was a thread asking for support or pointers-it was merely discussing a hypothetical situation and if one, as she mentioned , could exist. We don't always have to be in a state of asking advice and we certainly don't always have to be in a state of giving it either.

 

Sometimes, we can just discuss without recriminations.

Just because you might discuss the possibility of something happening is hardly the same as you expressing your approval of that very same something.

 

I don't really see the problem though. I don't see why people a few people had to jump all over WWIU. (not you). She does have points. Maybe the OP didn't ASK for advice.. just a question, but WWIU simply gave her opinion on it. The OP asked 'Would it be possible to have an affair with a MM with no emotions'.. or something to that effect. WWIU basically said you'd be better off finding a single man if that's what you wanted. It seems she just hit a sore spot with some people (MT). Can people not voice their opinions anymore in this forum without getting jumped on? I suspect it's because it's not always what people want to hear.

[OzGirl]

 

--A naughty woman can be nice.. But can a nice woman be naughty ?--

 

 

 

You're anti-affairs..... yet you acknowledge a naughty woman can be nice. MM are merely fulfilling that claim aren't they? As to whether a nice woman can be naughty, well, that's what they all hope for by returning to the W when they get caught, I suppose.

 

I notice you comment a LOT on a lot of things, but am not sure - have you been involved in an extra-marrital affair?

 

If BS's want to yell and scream, or calmly and constructively advise OW/OM what they feel the repercussions are of what goes on in reality, why not start a thread ASKING if OW/OM want to know?

 

Then, go to town and let your hair down. I would avidly read it with utmost curiousity as to what would ensue if you did, and I'm not being sarcastic - I think it would be interesting to see the two angles go head to head on that one issue - the BS and what REALLY happens to THEM before an affair starts, whilst it's happening (probably unbeknownst to them) and what it's like for them when they find out, etc.

 

It's not always answered by us merely reading the infidelity forums, because we can't always post with sympathy. In here, you can post, and OW can feel free to ask questions and debate issues.

 

It's merely my humble opinion.... I claim it be nothing more.

[Art_Critic]

You're anti-affairs..... yet you acknowledge a naughty woman can be nice. MM are merely fulfilling that claim aren't they?

 

:lmao: :lmao: It's my signature not a post :lmao: :lmao:

[Art_Critic]

I notice you comment a LOT on a lot of things, but am not sure - have you been involved in an extra-marrital affair?

 

Being involved in an EMA is not a requirement to have an opinion on it.. is it ??? for you to mearly even suggest that is baseless and has no weight in the discussion

 

I am the product of the family setting of multiple or serial affairs that my father had on both my mother and my step mother thru out my ENTIRE life.

Nobody thinks of how it affects the children.. I am sometimes the voice of those children.

 

Growing up in a household with 4 sisters and an older brother and having 2 mothers I got to see the damage that a MM can cause to other people in his life..

 

So many posts show up here on LS and the OP has never decided to consider the ramifications to others that the affair affects.

 

One of the things you will notice about my postings is that I feel the OW is a victim and the MM is the controller until the OW has seen that the MM will not marry her and he is just trying to have his cake and eat it too will she remain a victim.. it is at that point she becomes a major part of the problem and stops being the victim.

[erika2610]

Being involved in an EMA is not a requirement to have an opinion on it.. is it ??? for you to mearly even suggest that is baseless and has no weight in the discussion

 

I am the product of the family setting of multiple or serial affairs that my father had on both my mother and my step mother thru out my ENTIRE life.

Nobody thinks of how it affects the children.. I am sometimes the voice of those children.

 

Growing up in a household with 4 sisters and an older brother and having 2 mothers I got to see the damage that a MM can cause to other people in his life..

 

So many posts show up here on LS and the OP has never decided to consider the ramifications to others that the affair affects.

 

One of the things you will notice about my postings is that I feel the OW is a victim and the MM is the controller until the OW has seen that the MM will not marry her and he is just trying to have his cake and eat it too will she remain a victim.. it is at that point she becomes a major part of the problem and stops being the victim.

 

I, myself thought that was a very insightful post, Art

[Ladyjane14]

I don't see why people a few people had to jump all over WWIU. (not you). She does have points. Maybe the OP didn't ASK for advice.. just a question, but WWIU simply gave her opinion on it. The OP asked 'Would it be possible to have an affair with a MM with no emotions'.. or something to that effect. WWIU basically said you'd be better off finding a single man if that's what you wanted. It seems she just hit a sore spot with some people (MT). Can people not voice their opinions anymore in this forum without getting jumped on? I suspect it's because it's not always what people want to hear.

 

I'm with Erika. I don't see anything terribly antogonisic in WWIU's post.

 

Originally Posted by whichwayisup.....

I don't understand why you would bother involving yourself with a MM if you don't "feel" anything for him in the first place. Why not go and be with a single guy? Or is the fact he IS married and not looking for anything serious?

 

Also, you are hurting his WIFE and possibly children if he has any, just so you two can have some "fun on the side." That's not cool.

 

I'm sure there are TONS of single men who are looking for a fling, nothing serious and no-strings attached situation.

 

WWIU's not the only one having trouble with the parameters of the original question. I don't 'get it' either.

 

I can't imagine why a woman would want to have sex with a guy she didn't have any romantic emotional connection to anyway. I can't identify with that at all, and I doubt I'm the only one who feels like that.

 

Sure, you hear about people who are indescrimate with their sexual partners....but I don't think I've ever actually met anyone in person who is all that casual regarding their sexuality.

 

And even if somebody truly does feel that completely casual sex works for them..... Why would anybody f*ck up another woman's home-deal if they've got no particular feeling for the MM? It's not like he's some sort of 'Bobby Blow-Up Doll'. There are REAL people involved. It seems callous to me not to take those people into consideration.

 

All in all, I think I can understand the old tired "can't help who you love" gambit. It's foggy, but at least you can kind of identify with where the other person is coming from.

[whichwayisup]

The only reason (I think I said this earlier, too) I assumed that the original poster was (or is) seeing or about to see a MM is because it's posted in the OW/OM forum.

 

Quoted by OZGIRL

As for hurting his wife, I think you're right on that point. But, the OW isn't aware of this.

 

Which is why I reply to posts here, so the OW sees that the wife IS a real human being, alive and has feelings...She isn't some woman hidden away in the closet and only comes to life once in a blue moon.

 

I'm not going to flame anybody and start fights here, all I am trying to do is help the OW see the FULL picture and maybe open her eyes abit more, that's all. Harsh sometimes, yes - But I do care, otherwise I wouldn't bother even posting replies in this section.

It seems some of you have problems with what I say, and some don't.

 

Thanks A_C, Erika, and LJ. I questioned myself thinking maybe I DID come off the wrong way, but after reading all your posts and re-reading mine, I think some people are overreacting and thinking "I'm after them" and that is not true. I don't feel I have to defend myself or justify myself after giving advice.