jessssss Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 I have been trying to find help...seems like no one can give me any sound advice...maybe i'm just screwed up. ugh. okay, my bf loves his computer game, i love it in the respect i always know where he is but it's starting to interfere in our relationship. he doesn't have a job at the moment so sleeps in teh afternoon and plays all night with his buddys online. it's making me feel like the game gets more priority than me. it sucks. an example: last night he slept from 7-10 (while i was trying to watch my shows over his snoring!) and got up and i had to g oto bed at 1030! so we talked for a few and then off to bed i went and off to the game he went. he's trying not to play it while i'im home or not sleeping but he's ending up falling asleep instead!! grrr he snores reallybad...really really bad. the night before last we got in a fight at 330am about how he needs to be quiet cause i have to get up at 6....he said we are going to have to start sleeping in seperate rooms. WTF?! he says it's cause i need my sleep. i don't like that. makes me feel weird. and i told him that. well last night he comes in at 4am from playing and wakes me up...brings all of our dogs in tehre to go to bed and i get really woken up...then he falls asleep within 5 mins and starts the snoring...it's 2hrs before i have to get up and it looks like i'm not going to get any sleep so i grab my alarm clock and blanket and go to sleep on teh couch. pissed off, mind you. he ended up just staying in the bedroom after he yelled for me to come back and he'd go to the couch. so i slept there for maybe 1 hr, the other time i was worried about me and him. my exh and i had this problem and maybe i'm scared i';m having flashbacks...i don't know. so i left a note this morning that explained that i think we need to compromise...instead of not coming to bed with me every night...maybe twice a week...and instead of all 3 dogs coming to bed with him, maybe just one sleep in the bed instead of 2...is that compromising or is he going to take it as i'm attacking and it's all about me....????? somebody help....i'm so scared of what he's goign to say to my note, it's not all about me but damnit going to bed together means a lot to me...this day sucks....
blind_otter Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 This is a bad situation. But the issue, I think, is that he is not being very considerate of your needs. He needs to get a job. He needs to not stay up all night and have a normal routine. You need to be able to sleep for work! Have you talked about this issue when you were both calm?
Author jessssss Posted May 2, 2006 Author Posted May 2, 2006 blind otter, yes we have...he has about 2 weeks before he has his other job start...so i guess he's on vacation right and loves staying up all night--i prob would too if i didn't ahve to be up at 6am every morn. he understands that i need to sleep for work and is tryign to tell me that he'll sacrifice sleeping in the spare room...i'm just scared that's pushing us further apart...maybe it's me. maybe i need to just get earplugs.... i shoudl just have to put up with his snoring and know he's coming to bed late...i can't expect him to go to bed at 1030 when he doesn't have to get up until like 9 the next morn...ugh
blind_otter Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 If this is a temporary arrangement, until he gets his new job, it shouldn't premanently push you apart. But voice your concerns to him when he isn't distracted with his game. Tell him exactly why it's important for you (and phrase it as such) that he give you a little slack and be more considerate. If he continues to ignore your needs I would be worried, but not now.
Author jessssss Posted May 2, 2006 Author Posted May 2, 2006 so you are saying i should agree to the sleeping arrangements, atleast until he starts his job?? don't you think it'll set a pattern and then when he does start his job be so used to having a bed all to himself??? i just don't want him to NOT miss me, make sense?? i want to be missed and if he ssees he can sleep better and stay up and do whatever he wants...will that mean he will see that maybe he doesn't need me...i'm being overanalyzing right now, i know...i just love him dearly. he assures me and has even brought up marriage...ugh...what a day. thanks for your help otter
blind_otter Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 so you are saying i should agree to the sleeping arrangements, atleast until he starts his job?? don't you think it'll set a pattern and then when he does start his job be so used to having a bed all to himself??? i just don't want him to NOT miss me, make sense?? i want to be missed and if he ssees he can sleep better and stay up and do whatever he wants...will that mean he will see that maybe he doesn't need me...i'm being overanalyzing right now, i know...i just love him dearly. he assures me and has even brought up marriage...ugh...what a day. thanks for your help otter nah, 2 weeks isn't long enough to change a habit. I've heard it takes 28 days. God knows it's taking longer than 2 week for me to quit smoking! maybe he will miss you if he sleeps ina different bed for a few nights, and sees that you're not freaking out about it either!!
Author jessssss Posted May 2, 2006 Author Posted May 2, 2006 maybe he will miss you if he sleeps ina different bed for a few nights, and sees that you're not freaking out about it either!! i like your thinking....gotta be strong...i guess if soemthing like this tears us apart then maybe we weren't really meant to be together (i hated saying that but i need to be strong) thanks so much!!
AriaIncognito Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 I really wouldn't advise sleeping in separate beds. If a relationship comes to that (say, when you're young, not after 25 years of marriage or something) then something needs to be done about it. That happened with me and my ex. He snored louder than anything i'd ever heard in my entire life. I have a difficult time sleeping to begin with, so adding that in, I never got any sleep, and he ended up sleeping in the spare bed, which basically led to a lot less of a feeling of intimacy with him. I didn't even realize this until i started seeing my current, but i love waking up and seeing him there. Thankfully, he's the quietest sleeper I've ever known LOL. Trying to hold on to this one. Good luck to you. I hope you can find some sort of compromise or solution. My mother wore earplugs for years with her husband. Not sure if she still wears them with him or not. Personally, I find them to be uncomfortable, but I suppose if it's between that and separate beds, I'd try the plugs. Jennifer
blind_otter Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 I really wouldn't advise sleeping in separate beds. If a relationship comes to that (say, when you're young, not after 25 years of marriage or something) then something needs to be done about it. That happened with me and my ex. He snored louder than anything i'd ever heard in my entire life. I have a difficult time sleeping to begin with, so adding that in, I never got any sleep, and he ended up sleeping in the spare bed, which basically led to a lot less of a feeling of intimacy with him. I didn't even realize this until i started seeing my current, but i love waking up and seeing him there. Thankfully, he's the quietest sleeper I've ever known LOL. Trying to hold on to this one. Good luck to you. I hope you can find some sort of compromise or solution. My mother wore earplugs for years with her husband. Not sure if she still wears them with him or not. Personally, I find them to be uncomfortable, but I suppose if it's between that and separate beds, I'd try the plugs. Jennifer I don't really think this is a comparable situation, because she has issue with him staying AWAKE all hours of the night, because he has no job to get up to attend to. But he is going to start his new job in 2 weeks, which would hopefully normalize his schedule, and thus allow them to sleep in the same bed again.
Walk Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 B_O has some excellent advice. It's temporary and things should normalize after he starts his new job. I can understand where you're coming from though. My bf works all kinds of weird hours and I hardly ever get to actually "sleep" with him. I feel like a level of intimacy that we could share together is taken away. And sometimes his snoring will wake me up in the middle of the night. Luckily it's not too often. It can be really frustrating. I feel for you. I wouldn't suggest the seperate beds, but I really liked your note you left him. Your basic concerns were the racket he was making coming to bed, and the snoring. And if he could come into bed without it sounding like a three alarm fire, then you might not notice his snoring as much. I think the note was a great idea. But make sure you follow up with him. Bring up the subject yourself, and reassure him that it's just a comprimise and not a "you inconsiderate bastard" note.
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