amerikajin Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 A bit worried at the moment. First, some background. My girl and I have been seeing each other for the better part of four months now, though more so within the last six weeks. She's a virgin in her mid-twenties (didn't find this out until just recentl). I respect her decision to stay chaste and have told her as much on previous occasions, and I mean that sincerely. The complicated part is that we have 'fooled around' quite a bit. I've gone down on her about a good five or six times now and have gotten her progressively comfortable with me in that way. I haven't brought up the issue of sexual intercourse except for three occasions, all of which have been when I've been going down on her. I'll add that she has yet to offer to get me off, and I haven't been pressing, though I've been increasingly wondering about the fairness of it all. So anyway, last night, we were busy getting into a good session. I'd already finished her off and then we started playing around a bit more. I got on top of her and got into a love-making position and started dry humping her. Unfortunately, I momentarily lost my erection, something she also noticed, and at that point I commented that 'he's taking a break'. She then started asking why. I said well, I don't know, it just happens sometimes, it's not always automatic. I then asked if she was ready (for sex), to which she replied that she wasn't. I then told her that, speaking honestly, sometimes it can be hard for me to get into the groove if I know that I'm not going to finish (or something to that effect). At which point she reacted angrily 'Oh, so you're just putting this all on me!' I said "No, that's not what I meant" (her) 'But that's what you said.' "No, I just meant that that's the reality - I'm not pressuring you' (her) 'But you just did' (me) No, I didn't mean it the way it came out. It can be a lot of factors...maybe I'm just not in the mood or whatever, but you asked me, and that's honestly one of the factors. If I don't think anything's going to happen, I eventually lose it. I can't keep it forever.' So then she turned over away from me and I just lay staring up at the ceiling. Eventually, she came back and we started kissing and making up again. We even talked for an additional hour after that. I thought things were cool. But she's been very distant today. Texts are short and didn't even respond to my last text or phone call.
blind_otter Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 AJ, that conversation was wack. I think. I mean, why is she asking why your weenis went soft? Who cares? You guys aren't having sex anyways, so why does it matter? And IME men are kind of sensitive about the topic of their virility and maniliness, so it's really freaking childish to have a bitch fit about a guy losing his erection when you weren't even planning on having sex in the first place? And of course it's all on her! She doesn't want to have sex, and if I don't want to f*** someone: (a) I have the courtesy of not amping them up to the point of them being uncomfortably arouse, (b) I understand that you can't keep it up forever, for God's sake, and © I will give you a BJ if you get me off constantly, that seems awfully selfish. I mean turn it around. If this were a guy, who was getting head all the time from his GF and he never offers to get her off? How would you advise a woman who present that situation. Does she have issues with sex? A bad experience? Something that would explain the ability to get off without wanting to reciprocate with your partner?
Walk Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 I don't think you could've said anything that she wouldn't have taken "wrong". Although, I loved the "he's taking a rest" I'm not sure I have any great advice that'll solve this.. but it might help if you explained that because you don't want to pressure her that sometimes the drive shuts off, which causes you to lose the erection. If you already talked for an hour about it, I'm not seeing anything we could say that would magically make her understand. Probably a lot of this stems from her inexperience with sex. I was the same in my early 20's. clueless. Figured if a guy lost his erection it was because he was grossed out by me. So anything else he could've said was just a lie. I was also under the impression that the only reason a guy wanted me was for sex, so to make him prove it wasn't only for sex then I'd make sure we didn't have it. And I wouldn't get him off. And also I was still 'scared' of sex. It was this huge monolithic act that totally baffled me. Men baffled me. Even after I'd had sex a couple times... I was so naive and ignorant. Anyway, This is probably something she needs to sort out. Be supportive, let her know you're there if she wants to talk. Maybe open a discussion for her to ask questions when you're not "in bed". Let her know you won't think she's foolish for asking anything. You want to help her understand, but you aren't sure what pieces of information are missing and want her to ask whatever she wants to. Also let her know you want to hear her view of the situation, and what she felt, thought, saw... I don't envy your situaiton. It's hard wanting to share that aspect of your life with someone, and yet they aren't to that level yet.
Walk Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 I mean, why is she asking why your weenis went soft? Who cares? You guys aren't having sex anyways, so why does it matter? Someone who doesn't know how the male body works would probably think it stays up as long as there's desire. No erection=no desire. She probably took offense to it and that's why she became so defensive and turned it back onto him... about the pushing sex. Instead of realizing she was hurt he wasn't a raging hard on for her 24/7, she flipped it around and made it his fault. And IME men are kind of sensitive about the topic of their virility and maniliness, so it's really freaking childish to have a bitch fit about a guy losing his erection when you weren't even planning on having sex in the first place? I thought this was rather ironic too. I mean turn it around. If this were a guy, who was getting head all the time from his GF and he never offers to get her off? How would you advise a woman who present that situation. To give the benefit of the doubt to her.... Does she even know how to give a BJ? How much experience has she had? Have you ever talked to her about this? Even suggested it? Personally I think it's bunk if you're getting her off and not getting the same in return. It's unfair, its cruel to you, it's unbalanced measures.. Why don't you stop getting her off and see what happens. Basically you're scratching her ich, and then she's accusing you of being a horn dog because she won't scratch yours. So stop scratching hers. (Talk to her first about why if you haven't already.)
Author amerikajin Posted May 2, 2006 Author Posted May 2, 2006 Walk raises a fair point, I guess. Aside from asking if she's done the deed, I haven't asked exactly how far she has been before. I'd just assumed until recently that she'd had sex, although I started to get suspicious the first time she started playing with my penis, as she didn't really do it the right way. I think she's very inexperienced. I think she's used to being chased by loads of men, but she's never given up the goods and I'm starting to think I've probably gone where no man's gone before. I think she enjoys the role of being the 'unattainable princess'. I think that my comments wounded her ego a bit, albeit unintentionally. That's not to say I was wrong; it's just that it probably made her feel a tad less sexy, and at a time when she was trying to express her sexuality more than she ever has.
blind_otter Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 .... Does she even know how to give a BJ? How much experience has she had? Have you ever talked to her about this? Even suggested it? It doesn't really bode well if someone behaves like that in response to their own personal inexperience or whatever. Above all, in ignorance, BE HUMBLE! When I was younger, 19/20, I was all inexperienced and clumsy but I said that! When I became involved with my exH, I had never given a BJ in my life. I told him that, and that I was eager to learn and practice on him in order to please him. I thought that, if you didn't have sexual experience, it's like important to talk about it and bring up the subject -- especially if you rach your mid-20s! It's not like it's not on TV, or the movies, and it's not like all vrigins have friends who are virgins as well. It smacks of selfishness to me, still. But I am a nameless, faceless voice on the internet. Who knows, she may have an explanation for being so selfish, and responding so arrogantly to her own ignorance, but for me, it would take a lot. Because hell, I was raped. I had to get into sex by forcing myself to get over my phobias, so I was all clumsy and nervous and shakey. But I was humble, humble about learning. And into pleasing my partner, not focused on my own issues to the point of making him suffer!
Walk Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 It doesn't really bode well if someone behaves like that in response to their own personal inexperience or whatever. Above all, in ignorance, BE HUMBLE! When I was younger, 19/20, I was all inexperienced and clumsy but I said that! When I became involved with my exH, I had never given a BJ in my life. I told him that, and that I was eager to learn and practice on him in order to please him. I really can't say what this girl is thinking or feeling.. but I know I had a huge hang up with sex. I tried my hardest to let the guy know what was going on inside my head, but it embarressed the hell out of me. I still dont' know why... but I didn't offer a whole lot of info other then I hadn't done it or didn't know how to. If he asked questions, I'd tell him to the best of my abilities, but mostly I'd just answer I didn't know, because honetly, I didn't. *shrug* I must've infuriated many men when I was younger. I think she enjoys the role of being the 'unattainable princess'. I think that my comments wounded her ego a bit, albeit unintentionally. That's not to say I was wrong; it's just that it probably made her feel a tad less sexy, and at a time when she was trying to express her sexuality more than she ever has. This might be on the right track. I'd really suggest having a heart to heart with her in a non-threatening environment (not in the bedroom). Start asking more questions and try to understand her thoughts and views a little more. It's far enough into the relationship that you should know what she's comfortable with, what her experiences are, what she feels about sex.. like scared, or it's sacred, or she's worried about being hurt emotionally... I don't think you were wrong with what you said at all. And I doubt anything you could've said would've made her happy with the situation. This might be a good catalyst for better understanding between you two. Depends on how willing she is to open up and be honest with you though.
MadDog Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 I don't know man. I'll be completely blunt with you. The prognosis isn't good. Based on the description of your interactions, I can't say you two have a good connection. A good connection is when you're on the same level in regards to communication, sex, level of commitment, etc. Maybe you're on the same level as far as commitment but there seems to be an obvious divide when it comes to communication and sex. I think a good connection comes off as effortlessness meaning you two would get along with minimal effort. It seems like you spend a great deal of time trying to figure her out and there's still a lot of friction between you two. I don't know how emotionally committed you are to this girl but now might be a good time to step back and reassess things. You always have the option of stepping back and moving on to someone else.
tanbark813 Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 From here on out just stop getting her off. Don't even progress past making out. Don't be cold or withdrawn or anything, but keep things at kissing. If she says anything, just say that you don't want to pressure her and blah, blah, blah. Act as if you could care less if you guys have sex or not. Even better would be to make out until you get to the point where the clothes would normally start coming off, then turn away from her and put on a movie.
Art_Critic Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 From here on out just stop getting her off. Don't even progress past making out. Don't be cold or withdrawn or anything, but keep things at kissing. If she says anything, just say that you don't want to pressure her and blah, blah, blah. Act as if you could care less if you guys have sex or not. Even better would be to make out until you get to the point where the clothes would normally start coming off, then turn away from her and put on a movie. couldn't have worded it better myself.. perfect advice..
kitten chick Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 I thought all of the other advice before this ^ was great. I wasn't going to post because I thought there was nothing else I could add. This little tidbid sounds very passive aggressive to me. I reinstate Walk's sentiments that I don't envy your situation. You two need to work on communicating since you don't seem to really have a good grasp of why she's behaving this way. It doesn't sound like she's given you much to go on.
Noos Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 I knew what you meant amerikajin. You can't get fully into it if you're not sure if you going all the way. Why does she care if you lost it if she wasn't planning to go further anyway? I think it comes down to her vanity - she thinks if she's hot eough, you'll be hard the whole time and it jsut doesn't work like that. Take tan's advice for a while I guess. You did nothing wrong - she took it the wrong way.
Cecelius Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 I think Otter said it above -- her inexperience is making her insecure in this whole thing. Not only do you have to give up sex, but you have to do it in a way that is pleasing to her and doesn't make her feel bad? Chastity is not so worthy a goal that it justifies a mid-20s girl in being this immature. I'd go with tan's advice.
whichwayisup Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 I think you two should talk and explain to her that this is a mind over matter is something that you have to do because she isn't ready for sex. That all the focus seems to be on 'her' feeling good, sex or no sex, it's all about her. Say it nicely, but also explain that you DO enjoy making her get off, but it seems that she has no interest in exploring your body and making YOU feel good. Stress the point that this isn't about progressing to sex or manipulating her into something more, it's just not fair for it to be so one sided. Her inexperience also has a huge play in this, though she does seem quite comfy around you sexually...Just needs to work on the "giving" part and not just take. Good luck and slow it down until she makes more moves on you. I mean, has she even touched your penis? Looked at it upclose or attempted to give you a handjob?
StayClose Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 Unfortunately, I momentarily lost my erection, something she also noticed, and at that point I commented that 'he's taking a break'. She then started asking why. I said well, I don't know, it just happens sometimes, it's not always automatic. I then asked if she was ready (for sex), to which she replied that she wasn't. I then told her that, speaking honestly, sometimes it can be hard for me to get into the groove if I know that I'm not going to finish (or something to that effect). At which point she reacted angrily 'Oh, so you're just putting this all on me!' I said "No, that's not what I meant" (her) 'But that's what you said.' "No, I just meant that that's the reality - I'm not pressuring you' (her) 'But you just did' (me) No, I didn't mean it the way it came out. It can be a lot of factors...maybe I'm just not in the mood or whatever, but you asked me, and that's honestly one of the factors. If I don't think anything's going to happen, I eventually lose it. I can't keep it forever.' So then she turned over away from me and I just lay staring up at the ceiling. It's not just men who are sensitive about erections, it's women too. Even when she doesn't want to have sex, when a man gets an erection the woman feels desireable. So you said "sometimes it can be hard for me to get into the groove if I know that I'm not going to finish" she interpreted that as "I'm not going to have an erection unless you let me put it in you" so she felt pressured to put out so that you would have the woodie and she would have the validation that she was sexy and desireable.
alphamale Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 Even when she doesn't want to have sex, when a man gets an erection the woman feels desireable. so what's he to do with the erection STAYCLOSE??? wank off to porn? she'll get mad at that also. she interpreted that as "I'm not going to have an erection unless you let me put it in you" so she felt pressured to put out so that you would have the woodie and she would have the validation that she was sexy and desireable. she should feel pressured.
gfto Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 By any chance, is this the girl from work that you were posting about a while back? The one from the karoake date?
justagirliegirl Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 I agree with what the others have posted. Just wanted to say she sounds very selfish not to consider that maybe you would like to get off too. That is the problem with many of these ice princesses. They think they are entitile to everything, just take and never give.
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