Tell Me, am I wrong? Be honest....

[redeyes]

Here the situation....Been married for a long time. Husband has always done things to risk our marriage. Lately, another woman. Oh no, they never had sex, just friends. Close friends at that, so close and secretive I never even knew about her! See, my husband didnt sleep with her because he is so honest and special and unlike all those other horrible cheating MM, he was at least faithful to me. (Getting my sarcasm?)

As you can tell, I dont believe anything he says. Lies to me about EVERYTHING! We are in counseling because of his actions and his lies.

Because of this I have a hard time trusting him, and he is getting angry at me about it! He says he cant be in a relationship where he is not trusted. Ah, excuse me, but I have NEVER done ANYTHING to betray or lie to him.

If I question where he was (I saw you here, but you said you were going there) automatically he gets defensive, "I cant take this. I am tired of this. I am not doing anything wrong. Forget it, why bother. I am done". He has his trantrum. Now, I am left feeling like maybe I should have NOT of asked him why I saw him here, when he said he was going to be there. Am I worng? I mean, I dont want to be accusive of, but I also dont want to ignore, what I would consider red flags. I am just trying to protect myself from getting hurt. Can anyone understand or am I the one with the problem? Why does he get mad when I question him if he ISNT doing anything wrong? Why cant he understand that I have a hard time with trust? I think he expects me to trust him 100% and not question anything he says or does.

[Guest]

Here's the situation....Been married for a long time. Husband has always done things to risk our marriage. Lately, another woman. Oh no, they never had sex, just friends. Close friends at that, so close and secretive I never even knew about her! See, my husband didnt sleep with her because he is so honest and special and unlike all those other horrible cheating MM, he was at least faithful to me. (Getting my sarcasm?)

 

Redeyes, I feel your pain. Hear is my story..My husband has is charming, handsome, and flirtatious. He always has been, why I fell for him I suppose.

We have been married for 15 yrs and 3 children. While in the middle of marital problems he confessed to have a drunken encounter with a women I never trusted and he knew it, said she was harmless. She worked in his buliding and was known for her shall we say, "ways". I had just had a baby and gained alot of weight. I felt like something was there, but he told me about her, I felt why would he tell me all these crazy things she does if he were involved with her. I SO trusted him (being young and in love). We moved away and put it out of my mind. So years later I find out they only kissed and had oral sex (yeah right) in the parking lot of this bar. So we moved to another city. He started talking about his friend at work, I had no idea how much they talked, not until recently. So they have been friends for 6 years now. I have never trusted this woman. I like most people and he has other friends at work(female) and they call him and no problem when i am around as well. I know these people. He used to go to lunch together alot with the friend ( i did not know this) . They had offices close to each other. .. Fast forward to now (lol sorry so long), I found a reciept to a bar on a night when he was "playing basketball". This was hidden, I happened to find it. He said he went for drinks with this person to catch up, she no longer works with him, not a big deal he says.. I started looking at phone bills, I never did before. Stupid I know. I NEVER looked and he knew it. He keeps everything ..and files them away. I started looking. He calls he often. I confronted him..He says we are just friends. Sound familiar? I tell him no more ..this stops or we stop. I have lost alot of weight and look better now than when I was 25..now 39. Not to brag but to say I have confidence and don't NEED to stay and he knows it.

 

I had to just trust him, I had nothing else but a gut feeling. I then went back a few years when I felt his distance and he denied it. The phone bills were shocking. He called her all the time..only during business hours, never when I was around. I counted in one month 80 calls to her and this is just from his cell...remember they worked together at the time. To this day he says nothing happened. He admits there has been attraction in the past and they shared details of our problems but nothing else...BS!!! I cannot get him to admit.

 

I don't trust him or the "changes" in his behavior at work...I think they are a temporary thing and the next time things are less than perfect at home we are in for the same thing. I need as much help as you ..but I do understand.

[PrettyMama247]

Ok here is what I think. You are right in what you are doing. I am not trying to say leave him, but if gets defensive when you ask him a simple question like where were you? then he is obviously doing something he isn't supposed to be doing. I would keep a close eye on this one. There are RED FLAGS everywhere.

[glittergurl]

And I just wonder, where's the love in all that?

He sounds like a jerk, and you sound like you're already over him. I think you two need a break. The only time me and my husband were caught up in issues, he booked two plane tickets, and took me on vacation. We left everything that could cause stress and problems, and focussed on our relationship. We talked a lot. It really helped.

 

This is obviously a crisis situation. Now you two either work on it together to make a good change, or you just leave each other alone for a while until things calm down. Because the way it's going now, sounds like nothing but negativity.

 

You also sound extremely bitter (which from what you said, I guess I understand), but bitterness has never helped.

[whichwayisup]

Until HE is ready to fix the marriage and get over this other woman, it's hopeless. Right now he isn't thinking clearly! He got busted and is defensive. He KNOWS he screwed up big time, he's just not ready to admit it. I hope for his sake he comes clean and realizes that it's HIS doing that you can't trust him anymore.

 

Is he even willing to go to marriage counselling? Does he still talk to the OW?

 

If you love him enough and want to try to get the marriage back on track, give him time to work through his issues...Maybe suggest that he go and see a therapist so he can cope with his feelings before working on the marriage. He needs to fix himself first. And he also needs to go into 'no contact' mode with the OW. Meaning no phone calls/emails or seeing her ever again.

 

Do you know if she is married? If so, threaten to get her spouse involved so that their affair won't start up again.

[Ladyjane14]

You're not wrong. If a "friendship" needs to be kept secret from your spouse or S/O....than it's an inappropriate relationship. It leeches energy and emotional support from the primary relationship or marriage.

 

Having had a similar experience, there are a couple of things you can do. First and foremost, you want to educate yourself. Read, read, read. You might start with Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, The Five Love Languages by Chapman, and His Needs / Her Needs by Harley.

 

Your husband, and Guest's husband too....are getting something out of these inappropriate friendships. So, the question you have to ask yourself is essentially the old Dr. Philism...."What's the payoff?". What's missing within the marital relationship that allows him to justify lying to YOU, to rationalize it within his own mind?

 

Usually, after the wheat is separated from the chaff, it boils down to self-esteem issues. For a midlife guy, that's par for the course. There's a bit of a dopamine reaction to living on the edge, and fantasizing about a new relationship, and for a guy who's adjusting to his body's changing hormonal makeup...that dopamine is GOOD STUFF. A quick boost for a bottom-feeding self-esteem.

 

In other cases, the WH is feeling controlled in the marriage. Now, it's important to note that almost ALL of them will accuse their partner of controlling them. A few guys actually do have a legitimate beef though. You'll want to make sure your guy isn't one of them.

 

In a few rare cases, the WH is simply a guy with narcissitic tendancies, who feels entitled to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. Overall, this is NOT a nice guy suffering from some temporary confusion, and without successful therapy will continue down the same ruinous path.

 

Once you've figured out why your husband is doing what he's doing, you're in a better position to address it. You can't take responsibility for HIS choices, but you can make your own. So, if you've brought a deficit to the relationship...OWN it, and fix it.

 

Meantime, you can't CONTROL other people in the making of their choices either. Best not to try. When you 'open the cage door' the onus is on the other guy to straighten up and fly right. He can't accuse YOU of running his life for him, because clearly you are NOT telling him what to do.

 

But he doesn't get to make YOUR choices either.

I for one choose NOT to live with a man who doesn't prioritize my needs as he would prioritize his own.

 

What I need is emotional closeness and partnership. And when he uses his energy developing an intimate relationship with some other woman, he's taking that energy off of MY plate and feeding it into someone else. So, to my mind it doesn't matter if he actually put his d*ck on her or not. He's still taking something he promised to ME and giving it to another. Here I am, starving for attention and affection...and he's lavishing it on his "friend" instead.

 

Nope...that's not gonna cut it.

I'd rather be divorced than to play second fiddle. And that's MY choice to make, not his.

 

In my own situation, my husband's choice was to repair the marriage. He didn't want a divorce. What he REALLY wanted was the same emotional closeness that I wanted. Once he realized that he could have it with me, and that I wasn't the kind of woman who was willing to share....he became fairly enthusiastic about reconciling the marriage. There were bumps in the road of course...but we're BOTH alot happier with it today than we were before.

 

When you outline your boundaries, you are in essence offering an ultimatum. It's important that you recognize the possibility of either outcome, and that you're willing to accept the consequences of putting up the boundary. In my case....I've got ZERO problem with that.

 

But if you offer solutions to your mate as well, in terms of meeting his ENs (emotional needs), you offer incentive along with your boundaries. It sweetens up the deal, and gives you a better chance at the outcome you most desire.

 

As a byproduct, what's really cool about developing an understanding of ENs is that you can't unlearn it. Once you start meeting your partners needs and he starts meeting yours, you develop a level of awareness which will improve the overall quality of your relationship.