Guest Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 Ok, as an OW who never intended to be that, and after 8 yrs of waiting and wondering, I know I was stupid. But how can I make my heart and mind believe what is true, that he will never leave marraige, and thus never be available for a real relationship?
RealityCheck Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 For me, it was a matter of getting out of the heart and into the head! Getting Real! Putting everything into perpective and remaining in that space. Of course, I have my days where my heart aches, however it is a process and we do not have control over how long it takes to move through the experience from beginning to end and I'm not talking about initially meeting my exMM and ending it! I'm speaking about the aftermath. It is definately a mourning process. It hurts like hell! I'm feeling your pain. I feel for you.
Sami_D Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Hello. You might get some insight into your question by reading some of the threads here by us other OW and exOW who have had to move on. It's not always (ever?) possible to stop loving them. And it's incredibly hard to walk away. People say you have to grieve a dead relationship, but grieving a death is (to my mind) easier... because the dead really are gone, but with an affair, you know that, if you picked up the phone, they'd almost certainly be there... offering you well... what? Very little, at the end of the day. Certainly not enough to make you happy. Accepting that it's all going to be painful and difficult, but that you CAN walk away, IF you want it enough. You have to want to live again... without him. Even if you'll never forget him OR stop loving him. Try reading some of the other threads here, they may help.
zarathustra Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Ok, as an OW who never intended to be that, and after 8 yrs of waiting and wondering, I know I was stupid. But how can I make my heart and mind believe what is true, that he will never leave marraige, and thus never be available for a real relationship? Sami is right... its not about being able to stop loving them. For me its not about how to stop loving him but the ability to stop hoping that he will come back for me. I mean, I knew he wasn't from the day we split up, but is letting go of any hope in my heart that really helped me. NC is also a must.
RealityCheck Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Zara.... I do believe this is a HUGE part of the struggle.... "giving up the hope in your heart" Now if that isn't a "Self" revelation I don't know what is!!! Who really ever wants to give up "HOPE" no matter what the cause! Whew! Girl that was a heavy one! and; I gotta tell you, that is something I have felt through this entire process! Perhaps we must look at "Hope" in all its form! *Adore you Girl*
zarathustra Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Zara.... I do believe this is a HUGE part of the struggle.... "giving up the hope in your heart" Now if that isn't a "Self" revelation I don't know what is!!! Who really ever wants to give up "HOPE" no matter what the cause! Whew! Girl that was a heavy one! and; I gotta tell you, that is something I have felt through this entire process! Perhaps we must look at "Hope" in all its form! *Adore you Girl* Hey RC, I just saw this post... thanks!! I adore you too. A very wise woman who I love dearly told me recently that you never get over a true love. Your heart may learn ways to get around it (you know, the hurt, the pain, etc), but you never get over it. I really think its true. We adapt, but we never really forget the love. We yearn for it, but we learn to live without it. It doesn't make me sad to think this. Its acceptance of what must be in life.
OzGirl Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 How do you stop loving them? You go through months of agonising pain wanting them back, and hoping the pain will go away. Then, you accept they're maybe not coming back, so you start to accept your pain. Then he rings you and says he misses you just to f#ck up the first two points. Then, you realise this is delaying the inevitable - that YOU have to take control of this relationship, not him. Then, you feel pain and it burns through your veins, day after day, night after night. You cry yourself a river, and then some. Depression can set in along the way. Then, you make a choice to stop this situation controlling you like it has been. Often you get to THIS point after you've hit rock-bottom. You then starting trying to DO things to change your life's habits and make your life different. You realise nothing changes whilst it remains the same. You make baby steps, and more often than not, it's two forward, forty-nine backward, six forward, 127 backward, and then you start actually getting somewhere... 8 steps forward, 1 step backward, 3 steps forward and OMG no steps backward... And, I estimate 6months minimum after the last contact before you can say you're feeling better. Twelve before you've re-established your life to some neutral point. And, a lifetime of vowing to never see a married man again. And, a lifetime of happiness you no longer place your sense of self-worth in the hands of another person who's weaknesses balance out yours. You no longer have those weaknesses within you. And, a lifetime of freedom to find someone. And, a lifetime to be happy with someone. And, the confidence to know, the worst has been suffered, there's nothing left to fear. AND, the entire time you do all of these things from start to finish, you don't realise it, but you are a creature of survival. And, when you survive the torrid, volatile mess of the affair, you realise you won. You won. You won. You won.
PeanutHead88 Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I to am having probelms with hope. You really can't tell your self to ever stop hoping, because its honestly the thing that makes you feel better by thinking oh if they come back and talk to me I will be so happy. I think I realized how hopeful I really was when thinking he was calling me from private numbers and hanging up, and if I found out It wasnt him I'd probaly cry, Things like that are set backs, and made me have a " wonderful dream" but a horrible awakening to realize it wasn't true, man that made me feel like How I felt 8 months ago..freaking painful So hope for time, hope for healing It hurts like A bitch even for an almost 18 year old.....ahh:-(
lovernotafighter Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 hope is a tremendous power.. any person who is capable of love will always have a hopeful heart. I do have hope..not that my MM will be with me one day ( I can't ever believe he will do that now) but I do hope I can love him and forgive him. I don't want to hate him ever..I want to hope I'll endure the pain and come out on top of it with renewed pride and wisdom...and deep understanding for him and our relationship and have respect for what we did share not what we could have shared.
zarathustra Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 How do you stop loving them? You go through months of agonising pain wanting them back, and hoping the pain will go away. Then, you accept they're maybe not coming back, so you start to accept your pain. Then he rings you and says he misses you just to f#ck up the first two points. Then, you realise this is delaying the inevitable - that YOU have to take control of this relationship, not him. Then, you feel pain and it burns through your veins, day after day, night after night. You cry yourself a river, and then some. Depression can set in along the way. Then, you make a choice to stop this situation controlling you like it has been. Often you get to THIS point after you've hit rock-bottom. You then starting trying to DO things to change your life's habits and make your life different. You realise nothing changes whilst it remains the same. You make baby steps, and more often than not, it's two forward, forty-nine backward, six forward, 127 backward, and then you start actually getting somewhere... 8 steps forward, 1 step backward, 3 steps forward and OMG no steps backward... And, I estimate 6months minimum after the last contact before you can say you're feeling better. Twelve before you've re-established your life to some neutral point. And, a lifetime of vowing to never see a married man again. And, a lifetime of happiness you no longer place your sense of self-worth in the hands of another person who's weaknesses balance out yours. You no longer have those weaknesses within you. And, a lifetime of freedom to find someone. And, a lifetime to be happy with someone. And, the confidence to know, the worst has been suffered, there's nothing left to fear. AND, the entire time you do all of these things from start to finish, you don't realise it, but you are a creature of survival. And, when you survive the torrid, volatile mess of the affair, you realise you won. You won. You won. You won. Again, OzGirl, you are indeed very insightful. I think I'm at the 8 steps forward 1 step back stage. It feels really good to be moving forward. I'm waiting to be at the stage you are at. You are a true inspiration... along with so many others here!
StoneyHeart Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Just love that reply by OzGirl! That is exactly the cycle. And hope.....don't think that'll ever go away....hell, I still hope that the one who died is just playing some cruel joke....but one day I will be healthy and I'll try to quit hurting everyone else in the meantime (that's my new motivation for NC).
Jessie61 Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Ok, as an OW who never intended to be that, and after 8 yrs of waiting and wondering, I know I was stupid. But how can I make my heart and mind believe what is true, that he will never leave marraige, and thus never be available for a real relationship? Guest, But how do you stop loving your MM you ask. I agree with people before me. I am not sure if you can ever get over those feelings, but the key is probably to kill off the hope? The hope that you will ever get that phone call to say that he's available and that he wants a future with you? What I have practised on myself is a very harsh "staring the truth in the face" routine. It is absolutely brutal and heart breaking but quite effective. The trick is to keep telling yourself (like a mantra) that there is NO hope, that he WON'T be back, and DON'T be so stupid for even thinking that. Then a harsh stare at the facts; the time spent waiting (be it 1 year, 5 years or 10 years), concentrate on statements such as "I am never leaving my W" and/or broken promises to leave, think of all the stress, humiliation and heartache it takes to be an OW. Get rid of everything and anything that reminds you of him. And keep telling yourself that there is NO hope. There IS NO hope... No hope... THEN when you actually believe that in your heart, you have to start telling yourself that YOU DESERVE BETTER. Let that be your mantra! Then concentrate on doing other things to distract you and force yourself to do those things!!! I have mentioned this on another thread, but I think it is odd that I would never be able to be friends with MM post-A despite the fact that I am great friends with my three exBF's from the last 15 years, and I do spend time with all of them as genuine friends (absolutely NO agendas anywhere!). One of my best friends/exBF is now married and I spend time with him and his wife and we get on great! Could I do that with MM? No, I would be gutted... Anyway, OzGirl, that was a great post about the cycle of how to stop loving them.... I do recognise myself even though I haven't got to the end of it yet!!! I was nodding along in agreement with every word you said.....
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