Love_or_Bust Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Hi! I will try to make a long story short. Have been married to an emotionally and physically distant man for 8 years. We have 2 children together who are 10 and 7. We met young, and yes, I should have seen that he was a loner then, and did, but, thought it was because he was never loved . He has told me that he loves the children more than me, but, does love me. He shows them all kinds of affection, then tells me he's not Mr. affectionate. He's stated, even recently, that it's not as bad as I think it is. It isn't for HIM because his needs are filled; I cook, clean, pay the bills, take care of the kids, bring in a second income....and he can go to work, come home, eat, watch tv, mow if need be, then go to bed. Perfect for him. We have no social life together. Sex maybe once a month. No hugging or kissing, other than a peck before work. No sitting together to watch tv, movies (which he is always doing ). Basically no physical contact. So, here's the kicker. Last year I left him because I was spent. I felt like a maid and cook, not a wife. I felt very alone and told him so. I told him that I was leaving and would come back if he would get his priorities straight and involve me in his life and decisions. A few months later I found out from a mutual friend that he had cheated on me, twice, when our daughter was about 1 (lasted 2 months) and again after I left. When confronted, he tried to deny it, but, after I knew the details, he admitted it all to me. I was FURIOUS. During our separation, I had not asked for money from him, and I had the kids. I continued to contribute towards our mortgage because I did not want to lose the house (I was not living there). I learned that he had brought her to my house and slept with her in our bed. I learned that she had spent many nights there with him. Now, I tried endlessly to get him to talk to me about working things out, but, he was so mad, he would be mean, and believe it or not, worse than when I left. I later found out this was also during the time he was with her. Now, I cannot condemn him for seeing someone then, because I did as well. But, he brought her to my home that I was foolishly paying for. So, he begged me to come back after I learned of this affair (the earlier one is the one that killed me because we were together and had 2 children). HE promised everything, of course. That lasted about 2 months, then slowly went downhill. He's again detached, with the same short spurts of care. He says he loves me every day, but, how do you love someone if you never show it? Now, the person I met when separated was very different from my h. He was able to show emotion, laugh, cry, have fun, be real. We spent a few weeks together, spread out over a couple of months because of the distance. I was and am much more physically attracted to my husband, but, on the emotional side, my h is empty. I have not seen this other man since I agreed to take my h back, but, have talked with him. This man loves me, and would do anything for me. My feelings are in limbo. This is not a grass is not always greener on the other side situation. I have seen and lived that it is, but, cannot leave my h? Why? I am not sure. Maybe I love someone who is wrong for me, in every way except for sexually? What a mess! Please do not bash me. I don't know what to do here, and don't know where to begin to sort it out .
RealityCheck Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Wow! Your H sounds exactly like my ex H, except for the affair part. (well, even that I am not certain about), but never had cause for suspision. Anyway, my ex H was extremely emotionally detached. Understandably so, because of how he was raised! Lacked alot of emotional growth because his Mother and Father were so verbally abusive to each other and their children. For me, I couldn't live in a relationship that had no emotional or physical contact. It is such an unnatural feeling for me! YUCKY! I did not pursue an A to compensate for the lack of my needs, I just left. My H still wants me back, but hell will have to freeze over before I ever go back to something so empty. I'd rather be on my own! Maybe your in love with the "Hope" or the "idea" that things will get better and not actually your H. Truth is, I stayed as long as I did with the "hope" that things would change, when in fact, I should have left sooner! I do feel for you in your position, because for me, being in that position was such a lonely place to dwell. I should mention, we tried counselling but his "Ego" was not open to change.
movinon05 Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 AFter reading this post and then RC's, it reminded me of my exH. Something I don't like to think about. However, I will share because its very similar. My M lacked quite a lot. My H was not affectionate. We NEVER held hands. He didn't kiss me in public, he didn't kiss me at all unless we were having sex. And that deteriorated to his quickies in the morning before he left for work, because he drank and would fall asleep on the couch at night. If we did do it at night, it was late, I was tired, and he could never finish. It became hundrum and then just his little quickies in the m orning which did absolutely nothing for me after time because he never knew how or even tried to please me. It wasn't about me or us. It was about him getting his quickie needs met. I became very resentful. We were M 13 years before I left. In all that time, I got 1 birthday present and 1 christmas present. I felt very unvalued. Like I wasn't worth the time or the effort. And believe me, I am not a selfish person. We never went out to dinner alone unless it was with other people. He also didn't show affection to the kids. He was happy just going to work, coming home, keeping things on an even keel. But when we were around other people, he had to act like the main event. He ALWAYS had to be around people, drinking, laughing. He acted like dad of the year, but only in front of other people. He always put himself and other people before me and the kids. When I talked to him about any of this stuff, he would make an attempt to change things, but it never lasted long at all. In situations like yours, you gave it another chance. But y ou see, he went right back to his old ways. I think you need to realize that people do not change. And some people just do not get it. Leaving people is obviously out of anyone's comfort zone. But you have also seen there is life out there. Do you really want to stay in this M for the rest of your life? I did leave, mainly because of the A. But I was slowly dying inside before MM came along. And did not have enough self esteem or even the knowledge that I could be treated better. Although I knew my siblings spouses were treating them much better. I just gave up hope. And focused on my kids. When I look back, I realize that it would have taken me a long time to leave but I don't know what kind of a miserable person I would be at this point if I didn't. The one good thing that came out of the A is that I got divorced. That is something I do not regret. How I did it, I do regret. But not that I did it. I'm 1,000 times better without him. How is your self esteem? How much is your happiness worth?
Blind Illusion Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 In cases like yours, this other relationship is a symptom of a marriage gone wrong (or never right to begin with) and not the cause of any marital strife taht exists today. It's only going to happen again or you'll be miserable UNLESS hubby changes his act somehow. He probably needs professional help. I'd even make that a condition of reconciliation. And please..please...don't you move out if things fail again. He can.
Blind Illusion Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 When I talked to him about any of this stuff, he would make an attempt to change things, but it never lasted long at all. I really come to the conclusion that people aren't going to change unless it is in them to do it. That's why I told myself a few years back that from here on in, any man I embrace into my life, I must be completely satisfied as it because I can not count on anyone to change. Nor will I waste anymore of my lifetime trying to change other people. That doesn't mean that there will not be faults at all. That wouldn't be fair as I certainly have my own. But if there is some flaw that would grate on my every being (say like the complete negativity in my husband), then that person is simply not for me. The strangest, most ironic part of this all is that I really do believe that MM is that person that I accept as is. (even in spite of his marital status) While deep down I do wish he had been all mine, I really do like the whole package of traits that comprise him, more or less.
Author Love_or_Bust Posted May 1, 2006 Author Posted May 1, 2006 Reality, Thank you . I think I am in love with the man I see 3 days out of a month. It used to be a week or two at a time. He has times when he is genuinely interested in me, wants to be around me, but, like I said, this is 3/30 days, if that. Don't get me wrong, he does talk to me, but, any kind of normal physical affection is zero here. It's kind of like living on a rollercoatser ride, and I am getting . Movin, Thank you too . I think I am scared to leave. I am afraid that what may be on the other side may be the same, because of who I am. I question if alot of this is my fault. Maybe I expect too much? I know what you mean about the quickies . We might have sex once a month. Another time last month, he asked for a quickie, and I was sooo mad. I told him that he didn't deserve a quickie, that he should be kissing MY feet, lol! He knows I am unhappy, but, says 'different strokes for different folks.' Blind, Thank you as well . We tried the counseling, three times, with three different counselors. We had to keep changing because he didn't like them if they told him he had to change something. Even after I allowed him back, he told me he would go to IC. He went 3 times and said there was nothing wrong with him, and he didn't like talking to people. He took anti depressants for 1 1/2 months and was acting MUCH happier, better to be around, but, decided they didn't do him any good, and he wasn't taking any medicine. Says he's above that. He's so mean about things, even items we own. Like the car we bought, says it's his. Just like the house we have, says it's his because he pays more of the mortgage. I told him no buddy, it's 50/50 in a marriage. Ugh .
scarletletter Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Love or Bust- Your husband also sounds like mine. Unfortunately, we are still married...not sure why. He never, ever shows affection and neither do I and it has been this way for a few years. I think he married me out of obligation because he thought that he loved me...my family had done alot for him before we got married. I never loved him and I am sure he feels the same. That is what drove me to meeting someone else. I don't think my h will ever change. Even if I were to leave, he might beg me to stay only because of security and lack of knowing anything else real. I really think he loves me more like a sibling instead of a wife. We have one daughter together. I understand your confusion, even if my H went to counseling I probably still wouldn't and couldn't get those feelings back that I never really had to start with. It is a miserable marriage and one that needs to end while we are still civil with each other. I understand why you left. I wish I was strong enough to do the same. If I ever do...which I will in time, I don't think wild horses could drag me back no matter how many promises he made. Good luck on your complicated decision.
movinon05 Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Girls!! LOB and Scarlett! You are in a rut!!! Your Hs are never going to change. You are settling. You have your whole lives ahead of you. I keep saying, we only walk this earth one time!! If I could make it after a blah marriage and a heart wrenching affair, so can you. You can both still end it civilly I am assuming for the better good of your kids. I'm enjoying all kinds of things I never got to do. Going places, meeting people when I can, getting joy over having my own free time. As long as you accept the rut, you have nowhere to go but down. And 5, 10, 15, years from now you're going to say, why didn't I do it then. Have more faith in yourself and your strengths. Believe in yourself.
RealityCheck Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Yes! I AGAIN agree with Movinon!! You don't have to look for greener pastures on the otherside, their rooted right within yourself!! Get to know you before exploring another relationship! Rebound never works because we tend to carry baggage from the previous relationship. Until that is all healed and mended you will only set yourself up for another crash!
movinon05 Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 I want to approach this from another angle. I know you have children, but let's assume you have a daughter. Okay, this daughter gets married and somewhere down the line comes to you and says "Mom, I'm not happy." She tells you all the things that you are actually going through in your marriages now. Think about it. What would you say to her?
scarletletter Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 Lord only knows what I would say to her. Hopefully, I would tell her to do whatever makes her happy. That is all I ever want for her. I know I am a pathetic sole and I am trying to take care of the situation but at a snails pace. My H is extremely violent when he is angry and I have to decide the best way to handle it so that no one gets hurt or thrown in jail during the process. My daughter has cried to me when I talk to her about some day mom and dad might not live together. She gets very upset and so that is why I am still here. She has been witness to many fights between us, sad to say and I cannot hurt her anymore. This MM I am having a relationship with is probably not going to go anywhere. I don't feel like I am waisting my life but that I am supplementing it right now with what I need...not just for sex but for all of the peripheral aspects of love...touching, talking, kissing, respect, etc. Those things I do not get at home nor do I want.
movinon05 Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 Lord only knows what I would say to her. Hopefully, I would tell her to do whatever makes her happy. That is all I ever want for her. I know I am a pathetic sole and I am trying to take care of the situation but at a snails pace. My H is extremely violent when he is angry and I have to decide the best way to handle it so that no one gets hurt or thrown in jail during the process. My daughter has cried to me when I talk to her about some day mom and dad might not live together. She gets very upset and so that is why I am still here. She has been witness to many fights between us, sad to say and I cannot hurt her anymore. This MM I am having a relationship with is probably not going to go anywhere. I don't feel like I am waisting my life but that I am supplementing it right now with what I need...not just for sex but for all of the peripheral aspects of love...touching, talking, kissing, respect, etc. Those things I do not get at home nor do I want. she gets upset because she's scared of the unknown. do you think she is really happy living amongst the fights and violence? I venture to say, no. but she is helpless in this situation. and she doesn't understand. would she be happier when the time she spends with mom or dad separately is filled with calm, stressless times? after my spouse and i split, i found out that my kids told someone that they were glad to not have to hear and deal with all the fighting. i don't want to tell you what to do. its not my place. but i am on the other side, and its not as bad as you or she might think it is. it doesn't have to be. my situation was far worse. but if there are two loving parents putting the children first, they will really be ok. because you would show them by example.
scarletletter Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 she gets upset because she's scared of the unknown. do you think she is really happy living amongst the fights and violence? I venture to say, no. but she is helpless in this situation. and she doesn't understand. would she be happier when the time she spends with mom or dad separately is filled with calm, stressless times? after my spouse and i split, i found out that my kids told someone that they were glad to not have to hear and deal with all the fighting. i don't want to tell you what to do. its not my place. but i am on the other side, and its not as bad as you or she might think it is. it doesn't have to be. my situation was far worse. but if there are two loving parents putting the children first, they will really be ok. because you would show them by example. No doubt in my mind that what you are saying is true. I really want to do this but there is many things to consider first. My H loves our daughter more than anything, but when he loses his temper he forgets about that and says hurtful things to me and her. I'm ashamed to say that I am afraid of him in many ways and am trying to protect her. It is so sad when I see her patronizing her dad to try and keep him in a good mood so that he won't go off. She is a very smart and perceptive girl. She knows that I am not happy and she knows why. She is also afraid of what will happen when the inevitable does come around. She is only 9 but has seen enough to have the smarts of a 16 year old. She is really all that I have in this world and I have to think of her. In doing this, I have to take it slow, explain the reasons why in a manner that she will understand. I have to find the best time to do this so I am planning to wait until the school year is finished so that it will not affect her school performance. I could be the worst mother in the world but I am only doing what I think is right and trying to protect her is top priority.
movinon05 Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 No doubt in my mind that what you are saying is true. I really want to do this but there is many things to consider first. My H loves our daughter more than anything, but when he loses his temper he forgets about that and says hurtful things to me and her. I'm ashamed to say that I am afraid of him in many ways and am trying to protect her. It is so sad when I see her patronizing her dad to try and keep him in a good mood so that he won't go off. She is a very smart and perceptive girl. She knows that I am not happy and she knows why. She is also afraid of what will happen when the inevitable does come around. She is only 9 but has seen enough to have the smarts of a 16 year old. She is really all that I have in this world and I have to think of her. In doing this, I have to take it slow, explain the reasons why in a manner that she will understand. I have to find the best time to do this so I am planning to wait until the school year is finished so that it will not affect her school performance. I could be the worst mother in the world but I am only doing what I think is right and trying to protect her is top priority. perhaps you should see a counselor to help you prepare. this situation is very like the situation of an alcoholic family. there's an elephant in the room and everyone steps around it pretending like its not there. but everyone is being hurt. there are other symptoms as well. i understand the position you're in. you have to do what's best. but i definitely think you could use the guidance of someone like a counselor. i got a lot of help from a good therapist in dealing with all of my stuff. it helped me stay focused and gave me the tools I needed.
scarletletter Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 That really is a good idea and I must say I have never even considered a counselor. I have spoken to a lawyer and that's about it. But you are right, I have to be emotionally prepared for this big step. It will not easy. Thanks for the great advice.
movinon05 Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 That really is a good idea and I must say I have never even considered a counselor. I have spoken to a lawyer and that's about it. But you are right, I have to be emotionally prepared for this big step. It will not easy. Thanks for the great advice. As I said, she gave me great tools on how to speak to the kids and the right way to put it, and will give you all kinds of strength. Lawyers don't give you the other kind of support you need. They are not there for that. They are there only to protect you and your rights. In that way, they are black and white. But you need a lawyer to do that. That is what they are for. Everyone goes running to a lawyer at first, understandably. But you need to prepare yourself emotionally for the sake of you and your daughter. No one ever thinks about that. They bring clarity to your situation. I hope you do see a counselor. It did wonders for me.
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