confusednugget Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Well …… ‘X’ and have been in a healthy loving, peaceful relationship for the past year. And at a meeting out of the blue I meet ‘Y’ ‘Y’ and I instantly connect, spend the day hanging around eachother. We have intelligent conversations about art, politics and music. We wander through the city and sing stupid songs, make up stupid songs from rooftops. We continue to talk in a range of silly characters and we start to talk in word association, and gibberish and noises and we finish eachothers sentences. When we talk it becomes poetry. This all happens within the first 5 hours of meeting eachother. I have a really juvenile sense of humour and most people laugh at me but not with me. However 'Y' and I share the same stupid sense of humour and feed off of eachother. So I give ‘Y’ a two week trial period. I say to myself, this connection was probably just a one off perfect day fluke and if I spend time with ‘Y’, things might simmer down and we could become friends and if they don’t simmer down then…. I’ll have to goodbye to‘Y’ cause I’m in a happy relationship and I don’t want to jeopardise it. Well after a week it does the opposite of simmering down and I can't get 'Y' out of my head and it's not a crush, I know what a crush is and it's not that, I've completely fallen in love with 'Y' and I feel like I want to spend every inch of time with him and give him everything etc and I can see he feels the exact same way. I tell ‘X’ about the whole thing at each point. There are no surprises. 'X' breaks up with me before the trial period with ‘Y’ is up. I have never cheated on 'X' and have been honest about how I fell for ‘Y.’ After the break up, ‘X’ begs for me back, tries to smash my windows, sends me his hair in the mail, sends me torturous emails, sends me a cd with the words murder repeated 6 times, breaks into my house at 5 in the morning and tells me ‘I’ve just begun to torture you.’ Leaves a dead rat in my room, reads everything personal on my computer and my phone. Writes nasty emails to ‘Y’ and there’s so much more it goes on and on. This happens over a month period after the break up. During which I've seen ’X’ a few times and I’ve seen ‘Y’ a few times. It has been traumatic for us all. And there haven’t been lies and secrets we all know what is going on. I have cut off all communication with 'X' over the last month seeing as the way he’s been acting but more importantly due to the break up. But I still love him so much but I know he’s been acting so crazy, I shouldn’t get involved with him again. The real dilemma is I love ’X’ and I love ‘Y.’ I have been alone for a while now trying to sort out my feelings. People say that I should be alone for a few weeks and the answer will come to me but the more time alone the more confused and weak I feel and it's been a month of being completely alone now. I am 23 and have been in a couple of situations before where I have left a long term relationship and gone straight into another one but nothing as screwed as this. So I presume that perhaps I have picked up a bad habit and I really don't want live like that. What do I do? Should I be with ‘Y’ when he comes back in two weeks from overseas or should I be alone? We love eachother very much. I am pretty afraid to get back into a relationship again after all of this but I really love ‘Y’ and think he’s one in a million and we connect on so many levels and levels I never knew existed and we're heading in exactly the same direction in life and he is extremely understanding of the situation. What if I lose my chance and never find that connection again? But the real problem is I still love X. I think things have gone too far to repair things with ‘X.’ and I’m not ready to get into another relationship again. But I feel it's wrong to leave ‘Y’ dangling waiting for me to get over ‘X’ and ready to leap into a new relationship. He’s been waiting 3 months, since the break up. I’m still so upset by it all. I cry everyday over it and don’t know what to do. What should I do? Do I deserve to be with 'Y' or should I be alone? I feel like I don’t deserve to be with anyone for the rest of my life and time makes that feeling stronger, not weaker. 'X' says because I have love for 2 people at the same time it's not love and for me to ask myself what does my version of love really mean? I'm not polyamorous, I don't want to be with more than one person but I love two very much so.... I don't know. If you could please shed some light, any at all.
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