DrumMajor13 Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 My guy and I have been together for a year and a half or so... we had gone thru that whole "fighting stage" and almost broke up... but we worked it out and for the past month have been sooo happy together... until last week. Before i tell you what happened, you need to know this: Being a liberal, i'm not really against many social freedoms America... one thing i hate tho is underage drinking... i hate alcohol in general, but underage ESPECIALLY. From the beginning, my guy knew this... i even told him that if he started drinking i might break up with him (this was at the beginning). He PROMISED me... AT LEAST three different times that he would NEVER drink until he was 21... (we're almost there, but not quite) but last week, he sat me down and told me that he had gotten drunk with two of his friends over the weekend. But one of them (who drove) didn't drink... And he now wants to experiement more with different kinds of alcohol... he said he wouldn't relaly get drunk, but he'd drink OCCASIONALLY and i'd never know when and he'd never put me in a situation that i'd have to see him or hear him drinking... or ever be around alcohol. He said he'd always be in a controlled environment when he drinks and he'd never drive, and he'd always stay the night where he drinks. He made it a little better by being completely honest with me... but i lost trust and respect for him overall. We talked about it, twice... but i'm obviously not over how he broke the promise... and just thinking about him drunk breaks my heart. And i'm scared he'll get hurt... by doing something stupid, or just from the alcohol damaging his body. And the fact that he knew how i felt... it really hurts. He did it with some other friends of mine... one of them is a really good friend and i talked to her about it... she told me that she made sure they didn't do anything stupid... but geeze... she can't be there everytime. I love him tho and i know he loves me. I just odn't know what to do. ANY advice at all is welcome... just please don't criticize.
allina Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 He sounds honest and like he wants you to know that he is being careful to lessen your worries. The reality is that most people do experiment with alcohol, often before they are 21, so he isn't doing anything horrible or unusual. The only tough thing is that he knows how strong your feelings about alcohol are, and still drank. It's difficult for me to totally put myself in your shows because I drink and don't have a problem w/ my SO drinking (as long as it isnt a problem or driving isn't involved) but I think you should work this out and understand that though you dislike alcohol it is a part of young peoples lives and you can't totally keep your bf away from it.
Author DrumMajor13 Posted May 1, 2006 Author Posted May 1, 2006 yeah. I mean a few of my friends drink, and i had come to terms with it... I just never thought he'd break such an important promise to me. I mean... every once in awhile i'll start to feel better about this, but then i picture him just plastered and my heart breaks all over. this is so hard.
allina Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 It is more that if was a promise he broke than the drinking itself. But drinking does not mean he is getting plastered. Does he know how upset this got you? He seems to be willing to really work with you on this and set some major boundries.
Author DrumMajor13 Posted May 1, 2006 Author Posted May 1, 2006 yeah he knows how upset i was... he doesn't know that i'm STILL upset tho. When he told me, i was sitting there just bawling... he said he felt really bad and guilty... but he wanted to continue to do it and he wanted me to be ok with it. And yeah, he got plastered. He drank more than twice the amount it would take a normal person to be plastered.
Walk Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 I don't agree with making your bf promise not to drink. And I don't think you have a right to be mad. However... if you believe in it this strongly then you should decide right now whether you can live with someone who is going to drink. If you are this opposed to it, then you should find someone else who shares this belief too. The reason I don't feel it was fair of you to insist your bf make this promise was because you are imposing a belief you have onto him. It isn't his belief. At that point you're drawing a line in the sand that seems as arbitrary as if I decided my bf couldn't drink soda anymore. The majority of people will fight against a rule (even if for their benefit) simply because they were not given the freedom of choice in the matter. If you had stated your reasons for not wanting to drink, expressed your wish that he not drink, but then left the choice up to him... then it would've been a different matter. But laying down the law like that was gestapo-ish. Forcing him to adhere to your wishes without any trust or confidence in his abilities to think for himself. You didn't trust him enough with the decision in the first place, so you made him promise to follow your wishes, and not just once, but several times. Plus, you don't trust that he'll be responsible when he drinks either. Now he has come to you and stated that he still honors your wishes that YOU don't drink, but that these views are not something he also shares. Yet now you are hurt by this. Why? You demanded instead of asking. You attempted to force your views instead of trusting him enough to make his own life decisions. A relationship isn't about control. It's about helping the other person grow. And if that means they grow in a different direction, then we should love them enough to allow them the freedom to find their own path. I think you have a problem trusting people. And probably those closest to you are the ones that scare you the most. This is probably why it hurts you more that your bf chose to drink then your friends. And I think you fear alcohol because of the implied lack of control. I think you can't stand feeling like you don't have absolute control over everything. I'm not saying you're a bad person, or that you were evil for any of this... I think you went about asking for someting you wanted in the wrong way. But the intent was mostly good. However, I think you may want to dig a little deeper into "why" you detest alcohol, and why it was so important your bf promise never to touch it. You can hold whatever belief's you feel are best... but when that belief is imposed upon someone else, then I think the line between right and wrong is crossed and it becomes an issue of control and power. I personal believe you owe your bf an apology for making him promise in the first place. And then a deep discussion on what you can accept in a relationship (or can't), and where concessions can be made. If the two of you can't find common ground on this, then it's probably time you let go so he can find someone he would be more compatible with.
Walk Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Also... If it's his safety and well-being that is the underlying reason for your not wanting him to drink, then why not find ways to ensure his safety if he chooses to drink. Offer to be his ride home if he finds he's had too much to drink. Offer to pay for cabfare. Let him know that you are always available if he finds himself in a bind while out drinking. As it is now, if he's had too much to drink, you'll be the last person he'll call. And he'll probably think it's a better idea to drive drunk and risk it, then let you know he's had too much.
tikigods Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 I agree with Walk, you are dating a person that doesn't share the same views on certain things that you do and its very unfair for you to say that you are right he is wrong and he needs to go with those views. If you can't stand the fact that he drinks then I think you need to find someone that has the same views on dirnking as you do, just like you wouldn't want to date someone that wanted kids and you didn't.
Author DrumMajor13 Posted May 1, 2006 Author Posted May 1, 2006 I don't agree with making your bf promise not to drink. And I don't think you have a right to be mad. However... if you believe in it this strongly then you should decide right now whether you can live with someone who is going to drink. If you are this opposed to it, then you should find someone else who shares this belief too. . that's what makes it worse... i never asked him to promise me. He knew how i felt about it and said "well, i promise you that i'll never drink until i'm at least 21... so you don't have to worry about me".
Author DrumMajor13 Posted May 1, 2006 Author Posted May 1, 2006 Also... If it's his safety and well-being that is the underlying reason for your not wanting him to drink, then why not find ways to ensure his safety if he chooses to drink. Offer to be his ride home if he finds he's had too much to drink. Offer to pay for cabfare. Let him know that you are always available if he finds himself in a bind while out drinking. As it is now, if he's had too much to drink, you'll be the last person he'll call. And he'll probably think it's a better idea to drive drunk and risk it, then let you know he's had too much. and after the initial blow out of my being really upset... i told him that if he ever needed a ride... i'd come get him in a heartbeat. Also, i don't know where you people are getting all of this "i don't trust him" crap and that i demanded he promise me this... maybe i need to go check my post or something to see if it's something i said... but i'm pretty sure i never said that. (read the above post). The reason i was so hurt is BECAUSE i trusted him so much to keep his promise that he CHOSE to make to me.
Walk Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 This is where I got the impression that you pushed him to promise you. i even told him that if he started drinking i might break up with him Its an implied threat. If you do this, then this bad thing will happen. I realize you weren't stating it like that, and you were just giving the reality of how you felt. But in my experience, this works really well to strong arm someone into doing what you want. So it's in essence, a threat. Which to me is a control issue and stems from lack of trust. You ensure they do something or otherwise they will suffer. But if you trusted them to make the right decision, then you wouldnt' need to threaten them with leaving. Trust...
Walk Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 and after the initial blow out of my being really upset... i told him that if he ever needed a ride... i'd come get him in a heartbeat. I'm really impressed you offered this to him. I know you're going to take pretty much anything I say negatively, but its really great that you set aside your views on this in order to make sure he is safe. Most people wouldnt' do that. I'm not trying to jump you on any of this... Its just that I think the way in which your feelings were expressed helped to create the situation you are in now. I know you didn't do this to trap him, or make him to do anything he didn't want to. I am attempting to nudge a few aspects of your communication into view so that you can decide if there may be a better method to express your feelings and views. Attempt to see this from his side if you can. It was a double edged sword when you stated you'd break up with him if he drank. And making black and white statements like that usually only leads to problems.... I'm really not trying to be hurtful, or accuse you of wrong doing in any of this.. Just consider the power you held in your original statement and how that may have affected his decision.. mull it over, and if you feel it doesn't fit then toss it out.
Lishy Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 I havnt read any replies I just have to say it sounds like you have a great man who is honest and upfront! You cannot blame himk for not sharing your views honey, he could have been sly and just drunk when you was not around! He didnt do that even though he knows how strongly you feel about it! I think you need to rething things and let him get the alcohol thing out of his system, most young people experiment with it and the more of an issue you make it the more he will resent you babe
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