visotech Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Many say that transitioning from a regular see-your-so-everyday realtionship to a LDR usually does not work out. What do you think about the other way around? I went from a 2 years long distance then 1/2 year close distance. By close I mean more or less living togather...I think this caused our breakup. Any thoughts?
johan Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Not enough detail to say anything intelligent about your relationship. Although I'd caution you about addiction to porn, just in case. I can say that I think long distance relationships as they have been described to me don't have the kind of intimacy required to really know whether you're compatible with the person. It's not a surprise to me to find out things don't work out when the couple has a chance to really be together.
Tangerina Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 I am really really interested to hear about this because that is about to be me soon... we had a together relationship when we first met for 2 months, and then we have been long distance for 8 and it has gone pretty well, sometimes even great, and we see eachother every 1-3 weeks, but this last month things have gotten tense due to the stress of distance because we have both been too busy to see each other regularily so we haven't been able to get that good connecting and bonding time, more just "how was your day" phone calls, which has felt frustrating and led to hurt feelings when one hasn't felt enough attention from the other... it has been the plan all along for me to move back to him for the summer and half of me is really excited that we will be together again for real and can be a real couple,and the other half of me is getting major cold feet due to the tension we have felt these past 3 weeks since we kind of had our first "fight..." We weren't having any major problems or anger at each other but we both started voicing our fears in the relationship and it built on itself really quickly and snowballed into both of us crying and feeling afraid of the other's fear and we almost broke up, but after we had calmed down we both admitted that we really wanted to be together even if there are scary things about getting this close to someone... Things have been a lot better since then, but I think the fact that it happened really stressed him out and added to the tension of not being able to be together for both of us.... Again, half of me feels that the tension will go away when we are together for real because we can just be natural and the pressure to have a good time and make everything magical will be less, but half of me is afraid it will just get worse because it won't get better so we will be disappointed... I feel so twisted up!!!
Tangerina Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 OH man, and by 5 pm tomorrow I have to commit to a job that I was offered in his city (where I used to live) which is great but also scary because that means I am tied to that city for the whole summer for real and I know we have something good going between us but I just am too logical about this stuff so I think about how bad it would be if I got there and he just lost interest and how that is entirely possible and how it would make me feel.... when instead I wish I was just focusing how it will be an adventure and learning experience no matter what happens.... and honestly I would really regret it if I didn't go and I don't like having regrets, it is just that the prospect of really committing to it tomorrow makes me think about all the nasty what ifs.... I'm a mess.... I'm obsessing, PMS doesn't help, but I wish I hadn't worked myself into a tizzy over this! Now I am hyper sensitive to everything he says and does looking for signs as to whether or not he is really happy about the move....
Alexandra Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Not enough detail to say anything intelligent about your relationship. Although I'd caution you about addiction to porn, just in case. I never -yet- cease to be amazed how brilliantly funny you can be at times. I can say that I think long distance relationships as they have been described to me don't have the kind of intimacy required to really know whether you're compatible with the person. It's not a surprise to me to find out things don't work out when the couple has a chance to really be together. And then you say something like that which is a sweeping generalisation from hear-say... Neah just partly joking despite how I disagree. Many say that transitioning from a regular see-your-so-everyday realtionship to a LDR usually does not work out. What do you think about the other way around? As with everything other it depends on the two involved. Without statistics -it seems the scientific world is slow to respond to how common online-to-LDR-to-regular or even LDR-regular have become and document it rightly- I'd say that from the many couples I've met it's true that regular-to-LDR has less chances to survive than LDR-regular. The explanation would be quite simple, couples who are first together and then need to be apart will be having a far more acute sense of loss about their relationship than the ones that never experienced what it is like to be together. In other words they know what they're missing. To be fair Johan has a point too, at times they discover they're not missing on anything when they're finally together. And the amount of idealization going into a LDR or started-online relationship can indeed pose a danger when those ideals have to face toothbrushes and taking out the trash. I personally know hundreds of happily married -or partnered- couples that have met online went on to have LDR relationship and then got together and it has brilliantly worked for them. Granted I know some in the reverse position as well. The ones it has functioned for, seem to be idealists to a fault but at the same time realists enough to have found out as much as humanly possible about compatibility while they were online or LDR hence the things that could errode them in person later were no surprises.
justagirliegirl Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 I don't see that ldr are any more or less likely to last than any type of relationship. Just look at all the break ups talked about here on LS and most of them aren't ldr.
johan Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 I don't see that ldr are any more or less likely to last than any type of relationship. Just look at all the break ups talked about here on LS and most of them aren't ldr. I agree that the probability of success is the same. But I also think that you can't know for sure until you are able to be together full time in normal life. The long distance relationship confirm certain types of compatibility, but others are not tested very much at all.
justagirliegirl Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 I agree that the probability of success is the same. But I also think that you can't know for sure until you are able to be together full time in normal life. The long distance relationship confirm certain types of compatibility, but others are not tested very much at all. True, that is why I made sure to spend lots of time in person with him; together 247 for months.
guest Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 SO Ive been in a relationship with an ocean between us for the past 8 months. We lived together for about 4, and had to go our separate ways just for a year. It is heart breaking when you love sopmeone so much and have to be away from them. You always have to look on the bright side thou and look forward to the times that you will get to spend with each other. My relationship is brilliant, based on love, trust, and honesty. I talk to my guy every day, and see him every 3 months or so. Everytime we do see each other it gets stronger, the sex gets better, and the space between dosent seem as long. I think people who are in LDR's are actually stronger people after have had to go thru it, and have a more intense relationship when the distance ceases because we know what its like not being able to hold that person, and we tend not to take advantage of the fact that we are together now. Life is short, and when you find that person that you cant live without, you dont. LDRs are easy these days with internet, emails, phones, cameras, etc. Anyone who says they cant do it, obviosly havnt found love.
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