InLimbo2 Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 I've seen your posts - and you are smart, aware, and straight shooter...so directed this to you (tho anyone is welcome to chime in) I posted about this once before - but got no responses. Background: I dated a guy for 2 years. Basically met him 4 months after his wife left him (was a very harsh end from her), was a huge committmentphobe. The two years was pretty rocky and every so often got the "not ready for this, need to be single". Sometimes I fought it, sometimes I just let him go - and he came right back. During most of this time he'd go bang someone else - and I would sit at home pining for him. The two times I went out with someone else, he totally freaked out - totally. And we'd end up back together. I put up with a lot in those 2 years I shouldn't have - I know that now - and well, I know better now I often tried no contact - but never worked - I usually gave in and contacted him. So last September we split - but we were kinda on and off for a few months - both trying to figure out what was goin on - both dating others on and off. He had a major major bad time in November and I was the only one there for him - his best friend even after all he did wrong - he needed it badly. Right up until into December we were talking about reconcilliation. At Christmas he was still with this chick he was doggin in September, by New Years he was with someone else. In February he was on a boat in the middle of nowhere for work for 3 weeks. So he had about 5 weeks in with this new chick. There was a whole lotta contact between he and I while he was on the boat - his friends said he wasn't real serious bout this new girl - #2. Yes, I was hoping there would be a reconcilliation in our future. Well, while he's on this boat he tells me he's very serious about this girl and she'll probably be moving in in a few months if all still goes as well. I was like WTF? Less than 2 months? Are you nuts? BTW, all this communication with me while he was on the boat was kept secret from her - and certainly the nature of it was. No man wildly in love with a new woman acts like that with an ex IMHO. So, he tells me he's serious bout this girl - I tell him fine - an go to strict no contact - big time. Get a huge email from him the next day all about our relationship and how he's on the boat crying because I won't have anything to dowith him and he's going to have to give me up as a friend and we'll never ride motorcycles together etc etc Fast forward - we three belong to the same motorcycle riding club. I'd been going to poker games with some chapter members for months - he'd never indicated any interest - soon as he's off the boat he insists he wants to come to games and how I should just grow up and learn to be nice to him and her in person at these things. I give up the poker games. He posts to me on the bike boards about things or emails me about ones I put up - I guess he 'tests the waters' every few weeks - I'd actually managed no contact. Every time he contacts I tell him to leave me alone - he doesn't get the hint when I'm nice or polite - so I have to get mean. I can't just block him (he is blocked on IM programs tho) as we are both officers in same bike club. I was helping another chapter out and did break NC to tell him we were going to publically announce a ride - and asked him to please not come. I'm new on a bike - any distraction is a safety issue for me. There was a long email exhange that did not end well. I let it lay. Then I was named an officer of the chapter I was helping, and I transferred. We're on the same level in the club now. I emailed him again and said I gave him the time he asked for to think about it - would he please give me an answer if he was going to stay away from my ride - 4 days - no answer. As the ride is soon - a friend and officer from another chapter emailed him and asked him to stay away from the ride. He was kinda crappy to him - but said he would stay away. A few weeks later I posted about a ride I was going on - he posted in response about he'd be riding in this area and about the weather and take rain gear - I ignored it. Later that day I laid my bike down - minor accident - and I posted on the boards - why it happened - that I and the bike were fine. So he knew I was fine - not hurt - not in need of anything. So he emails me - about the accident - and about my driveway (played a part in the accident). I responded back - was not real nice - about just leave me alone - don't post to me, don't email me, there was no emergency to justify breaking no contact as I wasn't hurt etc - and just leave me alone - go play in other chapters and other counties and leave this lil corner to me - it was one of the reasons they gave me this chapter - so I could have a place to operate free of him rather than risk me leaving the club entirely. I do have to see him in person in 2 weeks at an officers only meeting - and I've told him I will not speak to him or acknowlege him in any way as a matter of principle - I will not condone his public bad behavior of me those 2 years by being nicey nicey to him - and that teaches him, as I did in our 2 years, that you can crap all over me and all will still be right in your world and you get me as a friend. So - I've cut off all ties except the bike club, I've blocked him on IM, every contact he gets the same from me - leave me alone, he keeps tryin every few weeks to be friendly, he's still got the same gf...tho she hasn't moved in far as I can tell. What is with this guy? If he's let go, if he's over me, if he's moved on with another woman, and serious enough about her to tell me he wants her to move in after 2 months - why can't he just leave me alone??? When a woman tells a man to leave her alone - that many times - in that many ways - they usually listen! If a man told me that - I'd listen. Give me some insight into what's up with this man and why he won't give up on the idea of being 'friends' and why he just won't let me lead my life without him.
Touche Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 You just haven't been consitent enough. He doesn't believe you this time because you've broken NC before. There was really NO reason for you to call him to tell him not to come. Shows you care. If you didn't, you wouldn't have called him and you wouldn't care if he came and he knows it. Your actions don't back up your words. You just have to REALLY mean it. Must you answer the phone when he calls? Do you HAVE to respond when he emails. You need to ignore him at this point. No contact in your case should really mean NO contact. He's wishy, washy and a wuss...not a real man. A REAL man would not act like this fool. Move on with conviction. I sense that you too, are little wishy-washy. Prove to him that you're not and that you mean business by ignoring him completely. If you don't he will continue to not believe you when you tell him that you want to move on. Good luck! I think you know what you really have to do here.
Author InLimbo2 Posted April 30, 2006 Author Posted April 30, 2006 Hi - thanks for the input. I didn't call him - I emailed him and asked him to not come to the ride before I posted it - once it was posted it became an official ride and he'd have jumped and said he'd be there - and he wouldn't have backed out once he did that - and I really need him to NOT be there. It's not so much that I care - any mention of him or hearing his name can still evoke emotion in me - tho it's rarely love or even like -- I'm not totally indifferent - and with this situation - it's a safety issue - I can't be distracted or have any emotional upheaval while I'm riding my motorcycle. One split second of inattention or wandering mind can kill me - and others. To know this guy - if he emails and I don't respond - he takes that as 'agreement, coming around, seeing it his way' etc. I can't block his email because of riding club biz - we're both officers - and he knows it. The only thing I'm 'wishy washy' on is I do not want to have to give up the riding club entirely to get away from him - I *need* this club. The only time I ever have contact with him on my initiation is all biz and only about club biz. He knows it's the only tie left between us - that's why he uses it to get to me/contact me.
riobikini Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 Thank you, InLimbo, I'm honored to post in response to you. I only hope my advice is good enough for your situation. First..(smile)...it's good to hear from a lady biker. I also ride, on occasion, though, not connected as a member in a bike club. I ride with a few 'deviant' (smile) professionals who purposely 'forget' what they do during weekdays, and become rather salty, laid-back, and pretty cool creatures in leather on weekends. They are quite good, and I think the bikes are all about revisiting, for a brief day or two, their last shreds of memories from their young adulthood, before all the problems of their present (and very different) lives suddenly appeared. They are great guys and ladies, -and take their club , and everyone's safety, and fun, seriously. So I am familiar with the problem that having this annoying, hard-headed ex interfere with your concentration in regards to the safety rules on the road, can cause. Being new to the solo ride, too, is a real concern with his interference. And he knows that. Yet, he's being quite the irresponsible ass for ignoring it. This is what I find to be most appalling with your account of his dragging his feet in giving you the answer you needed, knowing you required X amount of time to mentally gear up to the upcoming ride, in the first place. This was manipulative behavior. It was designed to get -and keep- your attention knowing you could not avoid the issue, leaving it loose-ended, for your concentration's and safety's sake. He knew it would be a real concern for you, -and thus, he 'had' you. Look, I do not believe he wants you for anything involving a 'forever' kind of love and relationship, I think you know that, too -but I strongly suspect, though, that the real attraction for him with you, is the fact you seem to be such a strong woman. Which may mean he has an underlying problem or issues with his own male confidence. I'd almost bet money he has a tendency, too, to display acts of 'proving' himself often. Only you can answer that, as it is you who knows his history of behavior. If I am wrong, then, so be it, -I still believe he is attracted to your strength and is trying to find the 'weak' places in you that will give him opportunity to bring you down to his level of immaturity. There you can be his "little woman", his "bedwarmer" whenever he wants, -someone for his own personal usage. You could also wind up being the one he consults about new girlfriends, if you aren't careful, -he may even see that potential in you- but friendship with him is not a healthy consideration. I think it would be far too painful for you, and turn out to be much more than you could ever take. If he gets you back, in whatever capacity he wants you, -he gains a feather in his cap. If you let him win that feather, -he'll admire it, relish it for awhile, -then become bored with it, again, just as he's done before, and revert back to his former behavior, seeking other women. But, for now, you have his undivided attention only when he's bored with whomever he's with now, ***because*** you're the one he can't quite get. You're much too resistant, in his selfish way of thinking, to be left alone. You are a challenge. Now to the gritty part where you are concerned. You seem to actually still have a 'thing' for this guy, despite some half-hearted attempts at letting him go. His dogged pursuit of you has gotten your attention. And you are well-aware of it. It's his persistence that has you locked in and laser-marked. That's part of the reason you can't quite turn your back on him. It's intriguing that someone can be this persistent in the face of the near-abuse that you have dished out. It's amazing. But the truth is, that, as much as you are intrigued by his behavior, and as much as you try to show your contempt and 'disgust' with his creative and cleverly thought-out attempts to stay in contact, -you actually know that -in your heart of hearts- this isn't true love, at all, and is only a game. And it is a game. It's played by two people who are attracted to behavior in each other that they can't quite explain, and are not being truly honest with themselves about just how immature the relationship would really be (and was once before), if they actually gave it a go, again. After all, it didn't exactly work out the last time, -and the issues within the relationship were pretty serious, i.e. commitment phobia is real -and it doesn't just "go away" all by itself. So you know he hasn't changed. You also know he shows no signs of changing. What you don't know is -or can't figure out- is why you are still attracted to such an immature jerk. Answer: It's simple, -he's exciting. And in many ways, he's also a challenge to you, too. But it's not worth pursuing, -he's loaded with all the earmarks of offering nothing more than a ridiculous, time-wasting -possibly very painful- "go nowhere" relationship. The solution: It's much harder, but I'll tell you what I think it is. Declare to yourself that he is, indeed, the irresponsible child that he truly is, re-establish 'No Contact' for real, this time, by cutting him completely off and begin using others in the club to relay to him messages when necessary, (then you can finally block all his email) and use another officer to receive his emails, -not you. The other officers in the club will understand completely that there's a safety concern here, and that it's necessary to do this. Then stick to 'NC'. Give it everything you've got. And, in time, -if you're really committed to breaking all contact- it won't matter to you one bit who he's got polishing the rear seat of his ride, -you'll be the one in charge of giving the signals, anyway. Take care. (Smile) -Rio
Author InLimbo2 Posted September 23, 2006 Author Posted September 23, 2006 Hey there - thought I'd come back and give a short update. Your post DID help me see with clearer eyes - so THANK YOU! You said things I wanted to ignore I did the ride - he didn't show - woo hoo! We have crossed paths many times since this post and he did have the girl move in with him. He and I tried being friendly and be friends for awhile - then - again - he did something stupid (was club related) and pushed all my buttons and I decided I'd had enough finally. Only contact after that was club related, time sensitive - basically an emergency. There were a few emails - all business - and when he moved to something even remotely personal (not inappropriate tho) I just ignored it and never answered it. I LIKE the girl - she's a great person and she and I get along well. I feel sorry for her because he IS still doing some of the things he did before to me - he's got major character flaws. Him - now I'm truly indifferent to him and his antics. Honestly - I feel lucky to have escaped him finally! And then - well - met a guy - a GREAT guy! There are some issues - always are when it's two people. We've been seeing each other since Memorial Day weekend - and we are very very happy together. We've hit some bumps in the road - like all new itense relationships. The difference is - he handles them appropriately and in a healthy manner! And because he's mature and emotionally healthy - I find I'm not the crazed person I was. When he asks for time to process - I am patient - because I KNOW he's not avoiding - he actually comes back in a day or two and brings the topic up and we discuss it. When he says something - I can count on him and take him at his word. There is mutual respect and honesty. He's a great communicator - and he knows who he is and what he's about. We have both separate and shared interests - last weekend we 2 and a mutual friend spent a 3 day weekend touring - about 900 miles worth and had a great time. This relationship is like night and day with my last one - and has truly raised the bar for my standards for a relationship. So just wanted to thank you for your post and advice and take on things. And if anyone else is reading - there IS life after the end of a bad relationship that you post on LS about
riobikini Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 re: InLimbo: " When he says something - I can count on him and take him at his word. There is mutual respect and honesty. He's a great communicator - and he knows who he is and what he's about. " "This relationship is like night and day with my last one - and has truly raised the bar for my standards for a relationship." "So just wanted to thank you for your post and advice and take on things. And if anyone else is reading - there IS life after the end of a bad relationship that you post on LS about..." (Smile) Glad I could help. And to comment, never underestimate the value and influence of good communication in any relationship -it's a glue you can't do without. As for there being life after a lousy relationship -of course, there is! -it just takes time. And like the Rolling Stones tune, you just have to keep in mind that, "Ti-i-i-me is on my (your) side..." Roll on, gal. Take care -and the best of luck in love and life. (Smile) -Rio
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