lenam Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 I have been separated from my husband for 7 month. A week before my 40th birthday, he told me he was leaving. Just found out that he was having an affair with someone from work for over a year... and that was the reason he left. She is much younger, and still lives with her parents ! We have two children 9, 7. Life has been hell for me. He just introduced the OW to the kids about two weeks ago. It re-opened a lot of hurt for me. I thought I was doing OK, and then BAM... back to crying. feeling sad. I don't want him back, but I have been spending the last 7 months taking care of my children's emotional, physical and financial needs while he has been out being Mr. Single. Now all of a sudden, they are playing family with my kids... out to the movies, bowling..ice cream.. All stuff he would never do with me when we were married. Makes me mad..makes me cry.... makes me feel disposable. 15 years together meant nothing ? So easy for him to move on... while I can't even think about being with someone else right now. Are my feelings normal, because sometimes I feel like I am going crazy ? I am paying a fortune for my kids to go to therapy, so I really can't afford to go. I have joined a woman's group that has been very supportive. Some advice please ?
Mistaken Identity Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Of course you have every right to feel mad and sad and disposable. I bet your kids don't think so highly of their father. How could they? They may seem like the happy family now, but it probably won't last. Your kids are bound to have questions about the new woman. And how does she feel about having an "instant family"? It doesn't sound like the ideal situation for any of you. I don't have any advice. I just wanted you to know someone cares.
Chinook Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Just found out that he was having an affair with someone from work for over a year... and that was the reason he left. I would advise you to keep this in mind. I would advise you that no one twisted his arm up his back and made him have an affair. What you have to realise is that it probably had very little to do with you. What I mean is - he could come out with all the lame excuses he wants... 'my wife doesn't understand me' 'we weren't the same' 'things had changed' 'we weren't intimate anymore' You see those things there "we". That means HIM as well as YOU. He was able to walk away and move on because HE didn't want to put the effort in which was required to get things back on track. There is 100% responsibility in a relationship. The two people 15 years later are no different from the two people who started out. But what IS different is the way they FEEL. The sad fact is that HE had changed how he felt about you - to the point where he was cowardly enough to conduct an affair before ending your relationship. So, not only did he betray you... but he disrespected you and dishonoured you. For what...? Because he changed how HE felt. He was the one who is inadequate here. HE is the one who should be reproaching himself for what has happened. But you're sitting there letting it eat you up. I know it isn't easy. I know that it's difficult for you to watch the kids be with their father when he's playing at happy families. You know what the other sucker is..? Sooner or later you're going to become the 'bad' parent too... because you will provide the kids with the discipline and direction that they need to get through life. Meanwhile Dad will be the 'good' parent providing all the nice outings and all the nice presents etc. I'm afraid this is what happens. Sooner or later though, the kids will understand what their Dad did. Who do you think is going to be viewed as their most significant and stable anchor. Personally, I would let your husband go - he isn't worth it. But your kids are. Hang in there. You can't stop him seeing or being with them unless there is a damn good reason - and they shouldn't have to pay the price of losing their Dad because of HIS inadequacy..?! Lady, there is NOTHING wrong with you. At all. You're a decent human being. Being dumped hurts like nothing else. But re-evaluate. You didn't do anything. You would have put things right if you could. There was no other way this was going to end and someone out there will love you and honour and respect you. Your husband didn't deserve what was in front of him.
dgiirl Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal! Trust me, I've felt it all. It hurts like hell, you cry so much for some jerk who cheats on you. It doesnt make sense until you realize it has NOTHING to do with him and everything to do with you mourning your dreams of what you WISHED life would have been like. It's ok to mourn. On average, it takes 2 years for someone to get over a divorce. Speaking with friends, it's more like 4 years. Although 7 months seems like a really long time to you, if you heal like the average person, you still have a year or so to go. So be patient. That doesnt mean every day is going to hurt like day one, but it also doesnt mean you'll be 100% every day. You're going to have your ups and downs. And I think it's a reflection on you, on how caring you really are. If he left and you didnt cry at all and didnt care at all, then there would be something wrong with you! But you are mourning and you are caring. This is not to say you need to be a martyr either to show how much you loved him. You can mourn for as long as you FEEL like it, but at the same time, you have to start taking back control over your life. The way I reason it to myself is my ex broke my heart and said some really awful things one night a year ago. But that was one night a year ago. He's no longer here hurting me. The only one hurting me is my own thoughts. I need to take back control over my life and figure out how to make myself happy again. My happiness is MY job. This is scary, but it's also empowering. I'm in control of my own actions and my own happiness.
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