whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 Scratch that last part of advice...I see you're in California, not in the Eastern time zone...(Though remember that for future 'talks')
luvtoto Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 He has an ugly past with alcohol = red flag Until last week, he decided to drink with his sister and then got beligerent with me = red flag He had promised me that he wouldn't drink...EVER. So, when he broke his promise... = red flag he knows he "f*cked up," (his words) and hates his life without me = red flag He said he can live without me if he has to, but said he doesn't want to = red flag when he drank that night, the trust I fought to gain for him crumbled = red flag ------ Torn, you are not damaged goods. If you continue to date guys that are abusive, or married...you will continue to be hurt. How can you say that you will never fully trust again when you put your trust in guys that don't deserve you? You will learn to trust again, if you can be with someone who is trustworthy. Learn how to spot the red flags and steer clear. Learn to love yourself.
Curmudgeon Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 My wife knows I cherish her and after two bad marriages and a couple of relationships, appreciates that and loves me for it. After all, no one ever promised us a rose garden. The good times far outweigh the bad and she was, for me, a respected and much admired coworker for many years before we ever went out for the first time (Disclaimer: only after we no longer worked for the same agency).
luvtoto Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 He asked me to come over to his house (for privacy, my son lives with me), of which I initially declined. But he kept asking me to come over, saying over and over again that he misses me and he can't "take it" anymore. This is another red flag. He did not respect your right to say no. Sorry...I am not trying to be a pain in your post. After nine years with an abusive man, I've learned to spot the flags pretty well. I can spot an abusive man a mile away. Take care, Torn.
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 He did not respect your right to say no. Yes, and then he guilted/manipulated her into going over by pushing her buttons. IF he was thinking clearly and listening - He would have said, when YOU are ready we will talk, instead of pulling the heart strings on you so you couldn't say no...
luvtoto Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 IF he was thinking clearly and listening - He would have said, when YOU are ready we will talk, instead of pulling the heart strings on you so you couldn't say no... I agree, WWIU. That would have been a much more respectful approach with her.
beachrosie Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 I think that relapses can happen, and it really is up to you in how you deal with it. It is sad he went out after 3 years, but it's not the end of the road. He has the tools, but only he can make them work. I'd give it a little time...6 months to see how it's working out. He might need a doctor more than AA though. I don't know...it's really up to you if you can accept that he will always have this problem whether or not he drinks or uses again.
Author Torn Up Posted May 1, 2006 Author Posted May 1, 2006 Well...I just got home after spending the night and all day today with him. I'm tired, emotionally drained, and in bad need of some sleep, so I have to keep this short. I'll write in more detail tomorrow and respond to those who have offered me good advice. We spent a great deal of talking about his issues and my concern. He continues to claim his love for me, doesn't want to "let me go," but understands that I have some serious reservations about this relationship. He says he has nobody else but himself to blame for "letting me down and hurting me." He also said that if he "slips" again, I won't have to walk away because he will take himself out of the picture. We did reach a clear understanding about the expectations of this relationship (for each), and even managed to have some fun together as well...danced in his living room to some "oldies" music. As I mentioned in my ealier posts, this man is good to me, and because of that, I'm torn about this whole situation. Do I throw the baby out with the bath water? I don't know....the jury is still out on this. I guess at this point, we'll see. Sign me as.... ~Torn Up~
NoIDidn't Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 He has an ugly past with alcohol = red flag Until last week, he decided to drink with his sister and then got beligerent with me = red flag He had promised me that he wouldn't drink...EVER. So, when he broke his promise... = red flag he knows he "f*cked up," (his words) and hates his life without me = red flag He said he can live without me if he has to, but said he doesn't want to = red flag when he drank that night, the trust I fought to gain for him crumbled = red flag ------ Torn, you are not damaged goods. If you continue to date guys that are abusive, or married...you will continue to be hurt. How can you say that you will never fully trust again when you put your trust in guys that don't deserve you? You will learn to trust again, if you can be with someone who is trustworthy. Learn how to spot the red flags and steer clear. Learn to love yourself. Yea or Nay? Nay. Being a psych nurse is not a panacea against psych problems or ppl. Not saying you have probs. You don't need a man in your life that uses you since he hates his life without you.
Author Torn Up Posted May 4, 2006 Author Posted May 4, 2006 Northern California! No kidding? Where in Northern Cali do you live, if you don't mind my asking? ~Torn~
Author Torn Up Posted May 4, 2006 Author Posted May 4, 2006 Being a psych nurse is not a panacea against psych problems or ppl.You don't need a man in your life that uses you since he hates his life without you. Hmmm....a point I raised in an earlier point, that possessing psych credentials does not umbrella one from psychiatric issues nor situations. I am fully aware of this. One can never be subjected when one is involved. As for using me, not sure that I agree with this. I mean, if this is the situation, then we could say that all people in love are using each other to fullfill that particular need in their life. And people DO need people. Everybody aspires to love and be loved...it's human nature, it's the way we're wired. However, I do understand your point here. To love and be loved is good, so long as you're not manipulated into loving another. Agree... ~Torn~
Author Torn Up Posted May 4, 2006 Author Posted May 4, 2006 I personally think that most everyone deserves a second chance, after that....if it happened again, that will tell you if it is going to be a pattern. I agree, Scarlet, and this is basically the decision I reached. I have made it quite clear to him that should he have another "slip," he can count me GONE. He understands this and has agreed. I don't think I would have reached this decision if it weren't that he went 3 years without drinking which proves he CAN refrain from alcholol if he chooses. Problem with this arrangement is that I'm so busy bracing myself for the "let down" I'm having a hard time enjoying the good times. ~Torn~
Author Torn Up Posted May 4, 2006 Author Posted May 4, 2006 Torn, you are not damaged goods. If you continue to date guys that are abusive, or married...you will continue to be hurt. How can you say that you will never fully trust again when you put your trust in guys that don't deserve you? Learn to love yourself. Luv, thank you so much for your input. I want you to know that I enjoy reading your posts, I find them caring and sound. And you're spot on...I do tend to get involved with men who lean on the abusive side, something I am aware of but sometimes it's tough to recognize the wolf under the sheep's skin. Outside of this one episode, this man is very good to me. Basically, he's very responsible, dependable and generous. And it is because of those qualities that I've reached the decision to give "us" another chance - WITH the clear understanding that if he so much as picks up a beer, it's over. And this time I won't look back! ~Torn~
Author Torn Up Posted May 4, 2006 Author Posted May 4, 2006 Yes, and then he guilted/manipulated her into going over by pushing her buttons. IF he was thinking clearly and listening - He would have said, when YOU are ready we will talk, instead of pulling the heart strings on you so you couldn't say no... My exact thought, and something I brought to his attention, which he denied, of course. He does tend to have difficulty being told "no." We talked in great length about that, about respecting the rights of others to steer their own ships, to go the direction THEY see fit without being made to feel "wrong" or "guilty" about it. He said he understand this, "BUT".......and there's ALWAYS a "but" in his argument. Hmmmm....what do you think the chances of him being trained are??? ~Torn~
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