kitten chick Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 Once you've been touched by a narcissist there's no going back. I hope this doesn't sound condescending, I'm not quite sure how else to say it. Maybe instead of trying to fix her you could try to accept that she has trust and abandonment issues and she can't view things the way you do. Accept that these are her limitations. She cares for you enough to have been married to you for 10 years, maybe that can be enough.
Author Curmudgeon Posted April 29, 2006 Author Posted April 29, 2006 Oh, it is enough. But remember, most of us men want to "fix it." It's hard to get fully beyond that, especially for her sake. Some day I'll finish growing up!
Pink_Tulip Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 I can relate to a lot of KHLF said. I have agandonment and trust issues stemming from childhood as well, and although they are better, I know they will never fully go away. I am sure you already know that her not trusing you isn't about YOU, its about her not being confident in herself enough to deal with being abandoned or hurt. Try not to take it personally, there is nothing you can do to 'fix' her. If she is anything like me, this particular aspect of her personality is like a bottomless pit, you will never be able to fill it enough make her secure. Just keep doing what you are doing. And just as an aside, I totally get what people are saying about showing her the things you write about her here... BUT... I would not show her this board. During my most insecure moments, I can take just about anything and make it negative. Even in this thread, the jokes about marrying another poster, etc. I know it is completely innocent, but show that to someone with trust issues on a PMS day, and you have just set yourself back 10 years, you know what I mean? Women read into EVERYTHING.
Author Curmudgeon Posted April 29, 2006 Author Posted April 29, 2006 Well, the one saving grace is that PMS is NOT an issue. One of my hard, fast requirements in a future spouse was someone who was already post-menopausal! That's one advantage of a "mature" relationship.
Pink_Tulip Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 ROFL! If I were a single man, I am sure finding a POST menopausal woman would be on my list as well.
Alexandra Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 ROFL! If I were a single man, I am sure finding a POST menopausal woman would be on my list as well. JuSt WhAT iS WRONG WITH PMS &^$%^#$##?!?!!?!??!?
Author Curmudgeon Posted April 29, 2006 Author Posted April 29, 2006 Trying to live with it! "If a man speaks in the woods and there's no one there to hear him is he still wrong?"
Alexandra Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 Trying to live with it! "If a man speaks in the woods and there's no one there to hear him is he still wrong?" Tee hee I apologise for OTing... just showing off an avatar I don't think I would have anywhere else to use. As for your man.... the 29th today? DAMN RIGHT HE'S WRONG!!!!! Oh and what's he doing in the forest alone, hmmm?!?
Mz. Pixie Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 My first clue should have been, early-on, when I told her I absolutely adored her. My use of that term made her very uncomfortable. To her it smacked of her mother who's narcissistic and demands to be put and kept on a pedestal. To me it meant that I cherish her. It took awhile to convince her of the difference. Ah, C- Lion, as a woman who was raised by a narcissist I can totally relate to your wife! I think for me, I could never trust words- because my mother would say lots of nice loving things but her actions never showed those things so I began to not trust what people said. I also learned never to put my own needs first because it was always all about her. I do have to admit that after ten years however she should get the thought that you're sticking around. I think when you suffer abuse in your past (for me it was childhood mental, sexual, emotional, physical) you are always in essence waiting for the other shoe to drop. She tells herself that you may end up leaving her one day in preparation for it- because she thinks deep down if she does this it won't hurt as bad because she's thought about it already. Wierd, I know, but I do this as well. Imagine the worst and then you're prepared, but you never are.
Marquis-de-Carabas Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 I am a woman with a real problem with abandonment issues. My husband is very much like you, patient and understanding. We've been married for over 6 years. He reassures me all the time that he loves me and that he's not going anywhere. The triggers for these feeling of abandonment can come from anywhere. This time the trigger for me was getting fired. I had trusted my boss and it was shattered. That conflict with my boss got me fired, and I am left with a feeling that I cannot trust anyone. I'm learning to recognize the thought process and to change them. It's taking a lot of work on my part to recognize when I get irritated with something he says, that it's not him. A criticism about something I've done is not a prelude to him leaving. I'm thinking that this is the first step in a long process of getting over this issue of abandonment. Learning to trust someone completely requires having a person that you can trust. Thankfully I have my husband for that, and your wife has you. That is good!
Author Curmudgeon Posted May 4, 2006 Author Posted May 4, 2006 I'm glad your husband is there for you. Even after the ex left me after 25 years I didn't feel abandoned. That word was never in my emotional vocabulary so I can't relate, but I think I can understand. I can also see how past experiences can influence you and make you feel insecure in certain situations. My job, and your husband's os to not add to those insecurities in any way.
Marquis-de-Carabas Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 After lots of deep thinking, soul searching, and all that kind of stuff, I did realize that some of these abandonment issues stemmed from my Father. My Mother and Father divorced when I was 9, only after a separation when I was 5 and an attempt at reconciliation. As I grew older, I became more and more aware of my Father's distant way of treating me. I realized what it was...he never did accept me as his child. In his whatever-warped way of thinking, I was a huge disappointment in his life. He wanted a strapping son to carry on the name. I ended up being a daughter, who looked like his hated ex-wife, and left handed to boot (He's got some Catholic beliefs that I don't even figure out!) So he was the first to abandon me, and not because of anything I actually did. SO that's the problem with any future relationships, no matter what I did, I got left....so you get to the point where you do the leaving first. It's easier that way...you say. Now that I'm married, I have a way of thinking that I'll do something to drive my hubby away. But being as I never did get a good reason for being abandoned before, I never would know what would make him leave. I know, I know illogical thinking. That's where I am these days, stopping myself from thinking the illogical.
Author Curmudgeon Posted May 5, 2006 Author Posted May 5, 2006 Well, at least you're stopping yourself. What worked for me regarding the ex's leaving was that I never imputed the ex's behavior to my wife or any other woman. It was and said everything about the ex and nothing about anyone else. Therefore, while I was careful to choose more wisely, I never feared I'd experience anything like what I experienced with the ex at the hands of another.
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