Shana555 Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 Last night, I was spending the night over my boyfriends of over 4 years. Around 11pm, a car pulls in the driveway. He runs down to see who it is. I go down to say hi figuring it was one of is friends. Well, it was a girl that I had never met before. He tells me that he’ll be back up in min. I go up.. 5 mins later I go into the garage to smoke a cigarette and go out to ask him for a light. He introduces me as just my name, (not this is my girlfriend Shana, like he usually does) Later, we get into a fight over this whole thing because I didn’t understand why some random girl showed up at his house and that he wanted me to go inside. This morning he tells me he thinks we should take a break. We have been arguing a lot. I want to get married or at least engaged since we have been together so long and I think we are ready for that. We both always say how in love we are, but he says he isn’t ready. Also not ready to move in together since I have a year left of school and not working. We attended a few friends’ weddings recently and another coming up soon which hasn’t helped the matter since I so dream of it being us up there. I have said more then once that if he doesn’t know if he wants to get engaged to me anytime soon or married in a couple years, it’s really not fair on me since that is what I want and maybe we should take a break. He always says no he wants to be together that he just needs some time. I’m freaking out that maybe he met somebody now and decided to take a break from me so he can explore this other girl before he makes up his mind about us. BTW, he is almost 30, has his own house, great job, plenty of money and everything is settled in his left except in the relationship dept… Could he want to play the field more before settling down? Or maybe he wants to wait for me to graduate college next year and is sick of me pushing for an engagement… He called a couple times since I left this morning to say hi and seeing what I’m up to for the day. Huh, says he wants a break but calls only a couple hours later acting like nothing is different.. Confusing the heck out of me! I wish I had an idea of what could be going on in his head and what I should do.
Forever Searching Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 I would be very suspicious. Did you ask him who she was and what she was doing there and why he didn't introduce you??
AriaIncognito Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 Four years is an awfully long time to not have a ring on your finger. I don't mean to generalize, but since I've been there myself, I feel like I should be honest. I spent 4 years wishing it would work out with a guy I was with. We even lived together. I never got the ring from him. He was never "ready" to marry me. But you know what? He met someone 2 months after we broke up, and gave her a ring 5 months after that. So, it wasn't that he didn't want to get married, he apparently just didn't want to marry me, but didn't know why or how to tell me. I would be really cautious if I were you, as it sounds like there is a possibility that he's just not set on the idea of you two being forever. Maybe go on a break, see how he feels. It could be what pushes him towards the commitment you want, or it could be the thing that makes you both realize you aren't marriage material for eachother. Either way, be careful. Whichever road you choose, it's not going to be easy. Jennifer
AriaIncognito Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 "Breaks" are absolute bulls***. For the most part, vertex, I agree. However there are a handful of people that have broken up/gotten back in this world, so I never say never... Jennifer
Vertex Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 It's too rare. Most people don't understand what a "break" really means if you plan on getting back together later. Most of the time people say they want a break because they do not want to be in the relationship but don't wish to exterminate their options for the time being.
Walk Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 Frankly, at 30 he's played the field. He's had at least a good 10 years between 16 and 26 to date anyone and everyone he wanted to. It's not like he's 19-20 and hasn't experienced a few different girls in his life... Give him the benefit of the doubt before you jump to conclusions. Ask him who the girl was, and if she has anything to do with wanting the break. Might want to do that in person and judge his reaction both verbally and non-verbally. If he squirms, then he's probably taking a break to see where it goes with this girl. This is tough. It could be that he really doesn't like this girl like that... and just feels pressured by you, and everything coincided at the same time. But at the same time, you have to be wary of the situation. It seems a little too coincidental. And if he really is interested in her, then chances are he's gotten to know her enough already to know there's a possiblility it could work out. Which would lead me to believe he's been at least emotionally invested in her for a little while to some degree. You don't just talk to someone for one hour the day before and decide to risk a 4 year relationship over a person you don't know at all. Talk to him first. If his reaction is saying its this girl, then don't take the break. Just end it. It'll be easier on you in the long run. After 4 years together, he should have a good idea of whether or not he wishes to marry you. And I wouldn't want to be his second choice if the other girl didn't work out. That and I'd never get over the hurt of feeling betrayed, rejected, and as though at any second some other girl could catch his eye and he'd be off again. I could never forgive that if it were me. I'd rather keep my dignity and walk away then wait for someone who can't decide if I'm good enough for them.
Walk Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 It's too rare. Most people don't understand what a "break" really means if you plan on getting back together later. Most of the time people say they want a break because they do not want to be in the relationship but don't wish to exterminate their options for the time being. I don't believe in breaks. I think it leads to a false sense of security. Like "we can get back together later, so it's okay"... I think people get lazy if they know they can skate through a relationship. That safety nets in place. They can just take a break if it gets too much... But if you take that away, then you either bust ass to make the relationship work, or it fails. There's no dragging it out, no half-assed attempts at understanding the other person. It's all or nothing, and both parties have to be aware of that. And for me, it allows me to judge right then and there whether the fight is worth it. Because I have to weigh weather or not I'm willing to end it right then, or fight harder to keep it. None of this... I'll just wait and see if it all sorts itself out later.... Or, maybe my feelings will change... Or, maybe he'll change. 'Cause it won't. I have to live in the now. Today. Not sometime later that may never come. Did that shyt too long with my ex and I won't ever do it again.
Vertex Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 I don't believe in breaks. I think it leads to a false sense of security. Like "we can get back together later, so it's okay"... I think people get lazy if they know they can skate through a relationship. That safety nets in place. They can just take a break if it gets too much... But if you take that away, then you either bust ass to make the relationship work, or it fails. There's no dragging it out, no half-assed attempts at understanding the other person. It's all or nothing, and both parties have to be aware of that. And for me, it allows me to judge right then and there whether the fight is worth it. Because I have to weigh weather or not I'm willing to end it right then, or fight harder to keep it. None of this... I'll just wait and see if it all sorts itself out later.... Or, maybe my feelings will change... Or, maybe he'll change. 'Cause it won't. I have to live in the now. Today. Not sometime later that may never come. Did that shyt too long with my ex and I won't ever do it again. Right, I agree. It's like a way of avoiding the issues. Putting everything on the backburner -- you can't just run away from problems. A break, in my opinion, is kind of cowardly when it comes to relationships. It's like an inability to decide what to do so everything is put on hold -- but that doesn't solve anything just prolongs the inevitable when you're going to need to fix those problems later in some form. Waiting for change is oftentimes a losing battle. Change has to be an active process when there are issues in a relationship and both people have to understand this and be willing. Figure out how to deal with things in the present or you will just have to deal with them later amplified.
jerbear Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 Breaks are short for breakups with a leash. My break I walked away and she called the next day wondering what happened. Talk about weird, now I understand more about her. Breaks to me, IMO, are just another way to say I'm breaking up with you; but want you as backburner waiting for me after 1 month or so.
Shandy Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 If I were you, I would ignore him from now on. Even if he's not interested in the girl, he still asked for a break, AND not willing to marry you, AND not ready to live with you. Without letting him miss you, he won't realize what he had.
Author Shana555 Posted April 30, 2006 Author Posted April 30, 2006 Well, I ended up going out with friends for the day to get my mind off of things. Unfortunately before anyone replied to my original post. I kept thinking all day how it isn’t fair that he wants to ‘take a break’. I feel like that would be just keeping me on the backburner until when and if he decides he wants to be together. Well, I showed up at his house to either figure things out or just end it, because I hate wondering. We are way past grade school; I’m not going to play that game. Especially after a 4 year relationship. To me at our age and after our length of time being together, this is the point we should be able to decide if we want to take the next step or know we aren't right for each other and break it off and move on. Well, he was very cold at first. We ended up having sex... It was me that initiated it. I figured it would open him up to talk and I really wanted to, but yah bad move! After, he tried to go to sleep. I poked him to wake him up so we could talk. He said again, he wants a break. I asked what a break means. He replied that he wants to be alone right now. That he thinks us taking a break from each other right now will be best for both of us, but that he doesn’t want to loose me. I asked for a reason why he wants this break and he said he just wants to be alone. I said that he can’t have both, it’s either we are together or not. That I’m not going to wait around. He responded, ok we’re not together... Then asked me to leave. I packed up all of my stuff and left. Neither of us said a word while I was packing and leaving. I cried the whole drive home.
allina Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 I'm so sorry, it must be hard. But, you did the right thing by standing up for yourself and not letting him put you on hold like that. *hugs*
Vertex Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 Don't look back either. It will just let him have power over you -- let true feelings work magic here.
Shandy Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 You did the right thing. The guy sounds like a jerk, having sex with you and then telling you to leave like that. Do no contact from now on. You can always come to LS when it gets too hard.
Vertex Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 Sounds like what happened to me. She didn't mind having sex but sure as hell didn't mind separating.
Mary3 Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 Sounds like if I reversed the situation and told someone I was seeing for 4 years that I wanted a break , then I am saying I dont want to be around you anymore and would like you out of my life. Perhaps to persue something or someone else. If you WANT to be with someone NOTHING stops you from saying " Gosh I need to spend alot less time with you " Wouldn't you think he would be wanting to spend lots of time with you ? Not less time..
Walk Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 What an ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not that this helps now, but you did the right thing it sounds like. Otherwise this would've dragged out for weeks or months and it still would've ended. Except instead of just breaking your heart once and moving on, it would've been again and again..... Good job for standing up for yourself and what you believe in!!! That was incredibly strong of you.
Author Shana555 Posted May 1, 2006 Author Posted May 1, 2006 He keeps calling. Like 3 or 4 times a day! I have not answered. I was thinking maybe he's just calling to get his key back, but he could just say that plain and simple in a voicemail and I would drop it off. But he just said over my 2-way, 'would you please just talk to me'. I don’t get it!!! I have no urge to call him. But seeing him name popping up on my phone a few times a day is driving me nuts wondering what he wants. Should I answer at sometime, or just keep ingnoring the calls?
Walk Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Guess it would depend on how you're feeling. I'd probably answer just to tell him to GD stop calling or I was calling the cops for harrasment. But if you're worried he might sweet talk his way out of your resolve, then just shut your phone off for a day or so. Maybe shoot your family a message to let 'em know your shutting it off and an alternative way to reach you, or just a heads up so they don't freak out. He's being immature and an ass. He was the one that wanted you out of his bed as soon as he was done with you. As long as he got his cookies, he was happy to string you along. Its a respect issue. He didn't respect you enough to treat you with honesty and kindness when you asked for a reason. He gave you a bs line and thought you'd buy it hook line and sinker. And he thought you'd always be at his beck and call if he got rejected in the real world. So now he's realized you aren't a push over and you've taken away his toys. But who's to say he wants the toys because he understands the value, or if he only wants them because he thinks their his? Just stand firm in your desire not to be jerked around. You set the rules that you want to live by. You already gave him the option of talking to you about this, and he chose not to. You'll have to decide if he deserves another chance, but this time you'll have to wade through his words to see if they are true or not. But I really think you heard the truth the first time. He wanted it over. And if he doesn't get that opportunity to see what else is out there, then even if you two got back together now, he'd always wonder, and you'd always wonder if he wanted something else......
Walk Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Also, I know with Nextel you can block certain callers... It's under the call filter feature. Not sure about Sprint, or other services.. but you could probably google it. If you're not sure how, then go to your Profile settings (Mine is Standard), click view, then edit and at the bottom of the list it'll give "Call Filter". You can set it to "Contacts" (all listed in address book will ring through, rest go to voicemail), or "Some contacts". That way it'll shoot him straight to voicemail instead of bugging you. You can do that with the two way feature also. Sorry you're going through this right now. I know it can't be easy for you.
Author Shana555 Posted May 2, 2006 Author Posted May 2, 2006 Wow, I’ve had Nextel for years and never knew about that feature. Thanks! I have him filtered out and turned off the DC. I couldn’t find how to just block his DC so I filtered the whole thing off. It’s a relief to be able to relax. Him calling was starting to stress and confuse me way too much
Author Shana555 Posted May 2, 2006 Author Posted May 2, 2006 He left me a long voicemail late last night. He said that he wants to apologize for his behavior. That he feel awful for the way he talked to and treated me. He said that he was angry that night because he thought I showed up at his house late Saturday night because I was trying to catch him, since I didn’t call first and because I was questioning so much. Then said to please call him, he doesn’t want to throw this away, please call… He has already called twice this morning. What to do
Walk Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 My thoughts on this... At this point you have a choice, and some control over the situation. Make a list of what you want from a relationship, both now and in the future. Just to clarify what you want and don't want. (not for anyone else to see, just for you.) ie. Marriage, kids, emotional support, someone supportive of you in X things, etc. His side of things was selfish. My reasons for saying this are: He asked for the break, didn't answer your questions, and got mad that you questioned him. Not once did he take into consideration how his actions were affecting you, or the pain it was causing you. If he had, he wouldn't have gotten upset with you for asking questions, and would've wanted what was best for you too. I think he was hurt that night because he took for granted that you wouldn't walk away. He felt betrayed that you would end it and not wait in limbo. He felt hurt you wouldn't just go along with what he wanted, and was upset you had your own thoughts and feelings which weren't in line with his. It's all hypothetical on my part though, so take it with a grain of salt. I'd have a hard time wanting to work it out. His plea of not wanting to throw it all away is too little, too late. You'll always be left with wondering when the next time will come. You don't understand why it happened in the first place, and I'm not sure he understands. He may just be reacting this strongly because he's realized he's going to lose his comfort zone. How would you know he wants you for you, and not just you for the safety net? Does he fit in with what you want out of a SO? Are his goals in life in line with yours? What can be done to ensure this wouldnt' happen again? (other than marriage) Are you willing to make changes in order to make him happy? And is he willing to make the sacrificies necessary to make you happy? If you feel you can talk to him without making a snap decision on going back, then I would say talk to him. If he won't answer all your questions so that you are satisfied you completely understand the situation, then walk away. If he is able to explain himself in a way that you can understand, you understand what caused this to happen, and there's a workable solution, then maybe give it another shot. IF that's what you want. But lay down some rules on communication, and bringing problems up before they get out of hand. Don't just go back without changing the problems that created this. If you can't identify the problems, then you can't fix them, and this will happen again. That's the biggest thing I've learned in my life... if the source of the problem isn't resolved, then it will always be a problem. If you can't find the source, then it's better to walk away then continually damage yourself and others by staying. What do you want? And what are your reasons for it?
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