Will i always be the OW

[stillhere]

Hi everyone! I'm new here and new to this whole MM situation. I thought it might be helpful to me to get input from others who are or have been in the same situation.

I guess i'm feeling special because i was the "chosen one". My MM has never been in our current situation, so i was the first, and i can honestly say that if me and him were ever through, i would be the last.

I've been with my MM for almost a year now. We started out as acquaintances, but we both wanted to add some excitement to our dull marriages. Mine was dull, he said his was perfect, but he wouldn't have come to me if his was perfect. Anyways......we were supposed to just hook up every once in a while and be on our ways. Well, we fell in love. Bad. We are madly in love. I feel his pain, and he feels mine. But of course my problem boils down to the fact that he still has his W. At first he had 3 reasons for not leaving........1 his kids 2 his money 3 he couldn't hurt her. Now, a year later, #1 is the only reason he is still there. Do you think i will ever have a chance, or am i wasting my time on a lost cause.

[otherlover]

hi there- I just wanted to let you in on some current things in my mm situation. In the begining we made "rules" that we wouldnt get emotionally involved, he wouldnt leave his wife for me and the rules went on. We broke every rule we set up. As time went on not only did we fall madly in love, he told me that he could walk out on her and his daughter and would understand if i didnt want to wait around for that. I stayed with him because i loved him to much to seperate myself from him. If it started to get too hard and i was waiting for nothing i would leave knowing i still had a wonderful man as a friend. To make a long story short he is in the process of leaving her. The only reason he is there still is one thats where his king size bed is haha and his wonderful little daughter. He says he knows what he has to do its just actually doing it but he is in the process of it. But get this...hes not doing it for me. Hes doing it for his own happiness and the well being of his daughter. Us other women show these unhappy men that there is more to life than pretending to be happy. Thats what he said i have shown him, that you can be happy and be with someone you love. Yes sometimes, it is worth waiting around for, especially if the only reason is the kids because eventually, he will know that his kids will be happier with a happy dad.

Good luck we all need it!

[suegail]

Do you know, dear one...are you aware of how many women have been told they have been the first and only? It's a much used line, but for some reason has proven to be quite effective.

 

I hope what you'll decide is that this is not the life you want to have. I just think you've got so little chance of finding what you're hoping for. Think about it....

[Jessie61]

 

But of course my problem boils down to the fact that he still has his W. At first he had 3 reasons for not leaving........1 his kids 2 his money 3 he couldn't hurt her. Now, a year later, #1 is the only reason he is still there. Do you think i will ever have a chance, or am i wasting my time on a lost cause.

 

 

Stillhere,

 

He still has his wife, but do you still have your husband? Anyway, have you asked him what his plans are? Has he said that he is leaving? When? Have you decided that YOU want this? Is he worth taking on stepkids and a potentially bitter exW? How would everything effect YOUR own life?

[Sami_D]

Hello stillhere and welcome to the forum!

 

As jessie said... are you still married? Also... what is he saying about his marriage now? I know he says he loves you, and that the only reason he's giving now for staying is his children, but... does he now feel he could 'hurt her'? Does he still love her? These are hard questions to ask, but you need to.

 

Because if he still loves his W, and they still have some kind of functioning relationship and loving support (however passionless), I think the chances of him leaving are slim. Not impossible, but slim.

 

Almost certainly, a R like this IS beating a lost cause. I should know ~ 2 years in, he loves me but doesn't love his wife, no sex, terrified of losing me, thinks of me every moment of the day and I've STILL had to go NC... and still don't know if I'll ever hear from him again.

 

Anyway, I'll leave it there until you post again with more information. Keep talking!

[stillhere]

I left my husband 3 months ago. Not for my MM, I've been trying to do it for 3 years. My added strength came from my MM, but he wasn't the reason.

Will he leave his W, I'm not sure, but that hope is still there. Like you, he thinks of me everyday, it's like we're lost without each other. He's my best friend. Both of us tried to end it in the past, but we can't imagine seeing our futures without the other in them.

The other day he was upset because he thought his brother (who knows nothing of our situation) was going to set me up with another guy. He took it out on his W and when she asked what his problem was, he told her it was her. That made me happy, because that is unlike him. Very unlike him. And he told me that for a reason.

I know i was the first one for him, and i can actually guarantee i would be the last. I know him that well. It's crazy, i know, but i still can't believe we are in this situation. He is the last person i would ever expect it from. and i think that's why it's so easy for him to get away, because nobody else would ever expect this from him either.

[movinon05]

I don't mean to be cruel here. But one thing you may have to learn is that there are no "guarantees" when its comes to affairs. Most of us thought we would be with the MM too. I just said last week on another post that I used to look at this forum a few years ago but I wasn't a member. I decided not to bother posting because I KNEW I was going to be with MM and there was nothing anyone could tell me otherwise.

 

I repeat. NO GUARANTEES. But I wish you well.

 

I might also add that there must be some sort of doubt because of the title of your post: Will I Always Be The OW Now that's up to you isn't it.

[stillhere]

I can't guarantee i'll be with him forever, but i can guarantee he won't do this again if we were ever over.

There is something that we have together, that still amazes me. The love, the emotion, the passion, i've never even had these feelings when i was first with my husband, when we were actually in "love".

My MM and I are soul mates, he even says he regrets getting married, and that he wishes that he would have waited for me or met me earlier. I laughed and told him that if he would have met me before his W, i would have been very illegal! (He is 13 years older than me).

I know i can be very naive at times, but i know he loves me, it is very unlike him to say something that he didn't mean.

[movinon05]

Again, I don't mean to be cruel, but everything you just posted was exactly the same thing with me. I was told the same things, I felt the same things, right down to every last word.

 

It would be nice to see that it really is that way for some people. and sometimes it does really work out. But be prepared for a reality check on this forum by the other posters.

 

We all hope it works out for each other. But we are always here when it doesn't. So just remember that.

 

My best to you again.

[stillhere]

Thank you movinon. It's nice to hear what others have to say, and i don't take it with a grain of salt.

I am prepared for a reality check. I've had these discussions with him. I tell him that i want him to stay, knowing he can't. I told him that it's easy for him because he has someone to go home to and i go to bed by myself and cry. He sleeps on the couch, but yet, she is still there. His plans are changing with her a little, not as drastic as i am hoping for, but i've waited this long. I keep telling myself, that if i stick around long enough, he will leave her.

I think he is afraid more than anything with what others will say. He doesn't get along with most of his siblings (for good reasons) and he's been with her for so long, that all her family and friends are his friends, very close friends.

I really can't blame him, he would lose everything to be with me, and what if we didn't work out? He would have thrown everything away for nothing. I think of his reasons too, maybe because it helps me understand more what he's going through. He's a workaholic, and everything he owns is paid for. I'd hate to see him lose everything he worked his a$$ off for.

[RealityCheck]

Still Here....

 

Your words ring familiar bells! I was told the same things by the MM. Felt the same feelings!

 

For me, I was falling hard and fast! It is the all the passion and tenderness without the baggage that makes the A so damn exciting and alive! That's the drug! Needing that fix every now and again! It is an emotional drug feeding body chemistry!

 

I agree with MovinOn...

There are no guarantees! and KNOW; that if he doesn't leave his wife, be prepared for an emotional ride of your life!

[Sami_D]

I think he is afraid more than anything with what others will say. He doesn't get along with most of his siblings (for good reasons) and he's been with her for so long, that all her family and friends are his friends, very close friends.

I really can't blame him, he would lose everything to be with me, and what if we didn't work out?

 

That is why I asked you the questions I did in my first response to you.

 

You need to know how he feels about HER, and about how he feels about leaving.

 

How he feels about YOU is an entirely different matter which is (for the purposes of the 'will he leave'? debate, absolutely irrelevant). He can love you, care about you, want to be with you, etc. But it means absolutely nothing if he can't see his way clear to leave her.

 

At the moment I see from your posts that you're offering him every tender reason not to leave... because you're being understanding of his financial situation, his family, etc. etc.

 

I'm not blaming you... I was exactly the same.

[stillhere]

I also forgot to add the fact that i work with my MM! To me, that is a comfort because i see him all the time, but it's hard because we have to watch what we do or say. He has been getting more brave at work, talking to me every chance he gets. Our boss is multi talented when it comes to doing 2 things at once, and my MM will make plans with me right in front of our boss when he is on the phone. I'm not sure if he realizes the fact that our boss can talk to the person on the phone and listen to what others around him are saying. Word is going to get out. My hope is that it will, and i know his W will leave him. I'm afraid of what will happen after that. Will he pick me, or will he try to make it work with her?

[pricillia]

still here,

 

He is making you feel guilty about him loosing everything that he has worked for but what about your investment in this? like your self esteem.

 

you say that you lay in bed and cry for him. Does he do the same for you? I am not judgeing you as I was with a MM as well and fell hard for him, I still think about him(very annoying) anyway...

 

Think of your role in this whole thing and what you are to him, the other woman, no matter what he tells you...

 

My MM recently asked me to be with him again my answer was no...

and I think about his wife and kids as well...

 

if that was my sister or my best friend I would not want thier husbands cheating on them and I would be allowing him to do that If I said yes to him, so as hard as it is cut him off, you will respect yourself and slowly move on...

[stillhere]

Sami D, he loves her, i know this. She is his comfort zone. They've been together for like 17 years and he went looking for sex initially. When he got that from me, he also ended up getting a lot more than he expected. More than we both expected. This wasn't supposed to go this far and now we are both confused. I know he's thought of leaving her. I know he has. But i don't know if he could do it on his own. I think that is why he is subconciously sabotaging himself. He wants us to be found out because he knows she will leave him. She trusts him so completely that this would devastate her and i don't think she could ever forgive him. I just can't read him well enough to know what he'll do if or when that time does come.

 

He does lay awake many nights thinking about me. The crying part i'm not sure of, but he does think of me often.

[Sami_D]

FWIW.

 

I never have, for one single moment, had the comfort/delusion of 'knowing' in my heart that we would work out. I've always seen a huge question mark over it, even from before I read anything online about affairs.

 

Once I did start reading online... that's when I started to worry even more, and to start putting more pressure on him, went NC, and eventually worried myself into depression.

 

He, on the other hand, says that he can't imagine a future without me. He says he never thinks about that possibility. But then, it's different for him... HE can make that happen. So why would he believe it to be 'almost impossible' (which is how I've always seen it).

[pricillia]

Sami D, he loves her, i know this. She is his comfort zone. They've been together for like 17 years and he went looking for sex initially. When he got that from me, he also ended up getting a lot more than he expected. More than we both expected. This wasn't supposed to go this far and now we are both confused. I know he's thought of leaving her. I know he has. But i don't know if he could do it on his own. I think that is why he is subconciously sabotaging himself. He wants us to be found out because he knows she will leave him. She trusts him so completely that this would devastate her and i don't think she could ever forgive him. I just can't read him well enough to know what he'll do if or when that time does come.

 

 

if he is trying to subconciously sabotage himself then if you really care for him then you will bring this to his attention and take a step back. I still work with my ex MM as well and I know the comfort that it brings to see him everyday, try to cut him loose and let him work out what he needs to work out, you are allowing him to have the best of both worlds, he will never leave her...

[Sami_D]

Sami D, he loves her, i know this.

 

He wants us to be found out because he knows she will leave him.

 

If he loves her, what can his reason be to leave?

 

For your second statement... do you know he wants to be found out? Do you know that she would leave him or throw him out if the A was discovered? Do you know what he's 'thinking' is on this?

 

People do odd things for deep reasons. IF he wanted to be found out (unconsciously) it could be because he wants to give her a shock and has no better way of doing things. If he loves her, then he could very well want to make her see how desperate he is... rather than hoping she'll kick him out.

 

After all, it doesn't make sense not to want to hurt her by leaving, but that he's OK with her being hurt that he's had an affair.

[stillhere]

I'm thinking he needs an excuse to leave, i'm not quite sure really. I don't think he is strong enough to do it on his own. If it does happen, both our worlds will be turned upside down for a while. I know he's worth it, but i don't feel i'm worth it for him.

[Sami_D]

I'm thinking he needs an excuse to leave, i'm not quite sure really. I don't think he is strong enough to do it on his own. If it does happen, both our worlds will be turned upside down for a while. I know he's worth it, but i don't feel i'm worth it for him.

 

Have you heard the term 'exit affair'?

 

It's where someone gets up the courage to leave a M, or uses the affair as an excuse to leave the M, but they had no real intention of being with the affair partner.

 

Not sure if it exactly fits in your case, because of his declared love and affection for you. But... it's something worth considering.

[Jessie61]

FWIW.

 

I never have, for one single moment, had the comfort/delusion of 'knowing' in my heart that we would work out. I've always seen a huge question mark over it, even from before I read anything online about affairs.

 

Once I did start reading online... that's when I started to worry even more, and to start putting more pressure on him, went NC, and eventually worried myself into depression.

 

He, on the other hand, says that he can't imagine a future without me. He says he never thinks about that possibility. But then, it's different for him... HE can make that happen. So why would he believe it to be 'almost impossible' (which is how I've always seen it).

 

 

Still there,

 

Like Sami, I have NEVER had the pleasure of "knowing" that we would end up together. I mean all the cold facts speak against it; the long M, the kids, all the friends and social set up, the assets, the scandal, you name it. The only thing arguing against these cold facts is perhaps a feeling/ instinct/call it what you want. I am (usually!) a very smart girl and I have always questioned what I am doing. This is why being an OW is so soul destroying and undermining.

 

I, too, have worried myself sick. I have NO control over the situation. I can't make things happen. All I can do is decide how much time and effort I am willing to invest - and I would say that I have invested FAR too much!

[RealityCheck]

Still There!

 

You know, I was with my MM for only 5 months when I ended it! Pretty short lived some would agree, however though I ended it, I STILL have not gotten over it! This is the craziness! I just received two emails the other day from him! It still excites me, and at the same time scares the hell out of me because of the emotional inbalance.

 

Like Jessie, I am one who is a logical, deep thinker and know all the reasons why I ended it. It does not take away what has been rooted! Its like a wild vine out of control! Now I am left tearing up the dirt to pull that sucker out of my mind, body and soul! I hope one day to be rid of it completely!