EphemeraEddie Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 Dear CaliGuy, Good evening from Rhode Island. "Desperate" for some advice. Having read, and trying to practice your [COLOR=#660000]Guide To Second Chances I need some guidance. For the last week/week and a half I have been in NC mode. Please understand, I wish no malcontent or deceipt by proceeding down this avenue. However, I sincerely agree with yourself and those around you NC is the best route. I will do my best to make this short. Some 8 months ago, my wife and I lost her 20 YO daughter to suicide. It has taken a terrible, terrible toll on us all. Due to my insufficient attention, and my wife's only way of coping on numerous occassions Susie has blamed me for our loss. Rest assured, Susie understands and knows the blame NOT in any way lies with me. Anyways, some 8 weeks ago she moved out. In the first 6 weeks I did all the things I shouldn't have: Called her, cried to her, made my presence known at her place of employment, etc. ALL to no avail! Finally, after reading numerous postings on this site (and many, many, many of YOUR postings) I decided to go into NC. I have ALWAYS been the one to initiate contact. Within 5 days of my NC, Susie called me, asking me to pick her up at work. I, in turn, happily obliged. Kind of funny, her initial concerns were "Are you seeing someone?" "I know you are.", "You look awfully good", for the first time reaching over to me for a kiss, etc etc. Over the last 8 weeks we have spent 2 entire Saturdays together. One being very positive, and the other a pretty frustrating time. Only moments ago, did she again call. She wants to spend the day together tommorrow. We both positively love one another, and neither of us wants a divorce. I do believe, and maybe naievely so, but having been together 15 years I don't think so, we will work things out. I just thought of something, I am a grown man, 46 years old asking (what I think is probably a far younger gentleman) for some guidance, and actually knowing you can indeed shed some light on my situation. Ya' gutta love life...... Lol. Anyways, Prior to our day tommorrow, I will get a good night's sleep go buy some new "Duds" and pick up my wife. Knowing I have to come across positively, unhurt, etc. ANY pointers? I really, really like your outlook on things. Even just a few words would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Eddie. Wish me luck..... I would love to chat more in detail if you ever have the chance. Our problems over the years have been extremely involved. The majority of which not something I really wish to discuss in such a public forum.[/COLOR]
Alexandra Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 First of all I realize this was to CaliGuy only but since it's still for now, in the open forum I thought I'd say some things. Due to my insufficient attention, and my wife's only way of coping on numerous occassions Susie has blamed me for our loss. Rest assured, Susie understands and knows the blame NOT in any way lies with me. I'm confused on what you mean here, there is some contradiction, do you mean she first blamed you and then afterwards understood and is now knowing you should not be blamed? Do you believe she still does? One other point of importance is whether or not your wife is seeing a therapist, it seems to me after an event of such magnitude some guidance in dealing with the grief and the guild could help. Last but not least I wish you good luck with the technique maybe this time alone will give her even more perspective.
Author EphemeraEddie Posted April 29, 2006 Author Posted April 29, 2006 Alexandra, awfully sorry I haven't made things clear... Susie, in anger and frustration, has stated that a portion of B's suicide was due to the fact that after 8-10 months of my discontent I told B she must move out. Over that 8-10 month period B sat in her bedroom with all her buddies drinking, drugging, and never making any attempt to find employment. Susie does indeed realize B's suicide was not due to anything I had put forth. Like I mention (Toward the end of my initial post) these boards are probably not the place I wish to divulge a great deal of particulars. I hope you understand. As for Susie's therapy, she has indeed been in and out of therapy for the past couple years. Susie had suffered an extremely, extremely horrific childhood. Thanks for the support.
Alexandra Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 Well for starters I'm really glad to know I didn't go against some form of board protocol in answering a post that started with addressing someone else. I understand better the blame assignment part. Without knowing more essential details I'd say you got off the hook easily so to speak, in the sense that people who deal with the suicide of a child place far more blame on a partner. And blame is never rational, it's why I was asking what she maintains about your part at this point, your saying "she of course knows" may be mean either that she said so -which would be a good sign- or that you presume she does since she's a rational person normally -which doesn't exactly clear her present state on the issue-. Her being in and out of therapy... she just recently moved out, she has had to deal with a suicide and you say she had a bad childhood, in my opinion she isn't done and maybe you could find a way to encourage her to go back to it and let it take its course. For the record, in case you brought up her childhood because you thought it was why I suggested therapy, it wasn't in the least. I was referring solely to the issue of her dealing with the suicide event. There are many forms of counseling one can get these days, it's not all about laying on a couch and talking about one's early childhood anymore, thankfully;) As for not wanting to disclose more details that's perfectly normal, I would have invited you to PM if you needed to, but that's not possible for us new members. If anything you may decide to edit your wife's name out of your posts for more privacy.
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